Not in those words

Back in the saddle again

2006-07-27T22:28:00.000-04:00

Well, since we last spoke, I left my job at the "Queer Eye" and took a new one at the "Straight Guy." Bear in mind, its still technically temp work, but at least I'm getting paid a decent wage this time. Makes a man feel good. Like feeling up a passed out chick in the back of a taxi on the way home from a bar.

I'm not feeling too creative right now, given my crazy hours, but I'm sure I'll have some good stories to tell when I get around to it.

C-Man's ode to technology

2006-07-13T19:52:00.000-04:00

You'd think by 2006 we would be at a point in history where every article on the internets that contained an ampersand didn't end up looking like (for example): Baskin *22%##&AMpp4782-34??><+)= Robbins.

Here we go again

2006-06-28T23:29:00.000-04:00

Well, the Wizards have done it again. Here's what they needed in order to advance past the first round of the playoffs next year: a power forward or center who plays d and rebounds and (if possible) is not a complete offensive liability, a true point guard, and some scoring off the bench. What did they get? A couple of Russian shooters. If either one of these guys can make the team and play a little next year, I'm not sure that they can bring anything to the table that Jared Jeffries doesn't already have (and lack).

Skinny 6'11" shooters will not help this team in the short run. While its possible that one or both will magically morph into Nowitzki, Kirilenko, or Stojakavic, it probably won't happen (it ever) for a number of years. When Marcus Williams slid in the first round, we should have snatched him up right there. I don't care if he's got character issues. Show me one team without several flawed players. The guy can play.

Instead, we got a friend for Alexander Ovechkin. I'm not saying Pecherov is bad. Honestly, I've never seen the guy play, but if every other European player can be a measuring stick for this pick, he can probably shoot but he doesn't play defense or rebound all that well for his height. I'm guessing he ain't gonna block too many shots either. In terms of what we needed, that's batting 1 for 4. That doesn't cut it on a first rounder.

In the second round, I really wanted Paul Millsap. He's a guy who could have come in and competed for major playing time right away on this team with our horrible power forwards. But, alas, he was taken one spot ahead of us by the Jazz, who get an A+ in the second round by getting Millsap and Dee Brown back to back. The next logical choice for us would have been Gansey, a solid point guard from WV or his teammate, Kevin Pittsnogle. Either one of those guys could have come in with the second unit and logged some decent minutes while not killing us by not scoring. Instead, we got another friend for Alexander Ovechkin. Essentially the same player as we got in the first round, but not as good.

With Chicago, New Jersey, Orlando, and Cleveland all getting better through the draft, we may need to make a splash in the free agent market in order to even make the playoffs. Hell, if the Bobcats have an amazing year, they could even pass us up. Luckily, we'll still be able to beat up on the Hawks and Knicks for another year.

When you sum up what we needed, what was available, and who we got, I have to give the Wizards a solid D- for this draft. I'm hoping that we'll stow away these guys in Europe for a year or two, bring in JC Navarro from Spain, and maybe get a second-tier free agent who plays some friggin' defense. I have to trust that Ernie Grunfeld knows what he's doing because he did, after all, draft Michael Redd in the second round a few years ago [Please stop mentioning that in every article Washington Post. Please.] But you'll have to forgive me, as someone who has suffered for so many years at the hands of Les Boulez.

2006 NBA Draft Day Spectacular

2006-06-28T19:38:00.000-04:00

Welcome to the 2006 NBA Draft. I just realized that I watched about 4 solid games of NBA action (it's FAAAAAAAANtastic!) last season, so I'm not really feeling the draft this year. Plus, it is a pretty crappy draft. So I'll just post a few comments as I think of them. Hopefully they'll be entertaining.

--How has David Stern not had a heart attack yet? As Felch would say, "It blows my mind."

--When the top pick is an Italian named Andrea, you know its a weak draft.

--Do you think the Italians paid off the Raptors to take Andrea, much like they have clearly paid off the refs in the World Cup?

--Where do black people come up with these fake French names? LaMarcus? Come on.

--Adam Morrison is clearly the front runner for Moustache of the Year next season.

--I would much rather have a white guy with diabetes than a white guy with a back problem. Because that back problem is NEVER going away.

--This draft is flying along. Kudos to the brass at the NBA. Now if we could get the first round of the playoffs to be less than a month, we'd be getting somewhere.

--Where are the crazy suits? I'm thoroughly disappointed in these guys. We need someone to break the ice and just go big with a purple pinstripe double breasted number next year.

--I spoke too soon. Tyrus Thomas went with the purple sweater under the pinstripe suit. Pretty close.

--Stu Scott just mentioned the WNBA. Why does that still exist? I'm conviced David Stern is laundering money through that league or something.

-- Shelden Williams is a lock for NBA Smush Face of the Year next season.

--Jay Bilas just projected the 5th pick in the draft as a Dale Davis type. Not a good sign for the talent this year.

-- I'm already bored. I'm just waiting for the Wizards pick. Now that we have Ernie Grunfeld, we might not screw it up. I'll see you next year, when there's some talent available.

Waterworld

2006-06-27T21:36:00.000-04:00

Sorry about the lack of posting lately. For those who may care about such things, I am not currently under water. Suprisingly, DC freaked out about the weather for good reason this time, although it wasn't that bad. For me at least. And that's all that matters, isn't it?

Tomorrow, I'll have my NBA Draft Spectacular. I promise.

Vegas, baby.

2006-06-01T21:02:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow I'm off to fabulous Las Vegas for one of the most heterosexual rites of passage known to modern man: the Vegas bachelor party. Sure, I'm as broke as JJ Evans, but its well worth cashing in some Bar Mitzvah bonds to take this much needed break from DC.

Today reminded me of just how much I need to see some silicone-filled mammaries while throwing back warm shots of Cuervo. As I escaped from my overly-gay temping gig for lunch, I walked towards overly-gay Dupont Circle. Normally, this would have been an uneventful journey. But I apparently looked especially good in my khakis in the sweltering heat. I have no explanation for what followed.

Some dude rode by me on his bike. The guy looked like an effeminate, well-groomed latino who is possibly gay. In other words: Alex Rodriguez. He sort of stared at me and I tried to diffuse the situation by giving him the old head nod. Official male speak for: I acknowledge your presence, now move on. As I continued walking, I stared straight ahead as if my life depended on it. No dice. The guy was still riding next to me. This was not good.

A few seconds into this uncomfortable situation, it got worse. He started talking to me and I couldn't play it off like I either didn't hear him or know he was talking to me. The conversation went something like this:

A-Rod: "Do ju go to school aroun here?"

Me: "No."

A-Rod: "Ju look yoost like dees guy who I do sculpture with." [Leering at my body. Literally looking me up and down.]

Me: "Sorry, not me."

A-Rod: "Ju look yoost like him. Ju have to be theen, but not too theen. Ju do sculpture." [Still looking me up and down.]

Me: [Uncomfortably horrified silence]

A-Rod: "So what do ju say? Would ju like to do something like thees?"

Me: "No thanks." [Practically running away at this point]

With that, he luckily dropped the subject or possibly realized I'm not gay, and rode off. Even though all I wanted to do was take a shower, I persevered and got my Julia's Empanadas like a real man.

Tomorrow night I will be making up for all the heterosexuality I've been deprived of over the last 6 months. I'm not sure what that means, but there will definitely be a lot of high fives involved. By the time I get back, I need to have extra heterosexuality in reserves because this job is starting to drive me crazy.

For the love of Pete, someone help me get out of there!

Memorial Day

2006-05-29T21:33:00.000-04:00

For those who haven't taken the time to remember why we celebrate today's holiday, remember why W created 2400+ more reasons.

Dag!

2006-05-25T21:50:00.000-04:00

I'm conducting an experiment. I want to bring back "Dag!" Use it as a substitute for "damn" or "shit." Here's an example: say someone is late. "Dag! What took you so long?" Feel free to use it as much or as little as you would like. I just want to see it come back.

Onto the real post.

McDonald's has new desserts! Well, they're not really new, as much as they are just various combinations of their old desserts. The four new faces on the menu are: the Oreo sundae, the chocolate chip (cookie) sundae, the apple pie sundae, and the brownie sundae. Each consists of ice cream, the eponymous "solid" dessert item, hot fudge, whipped cream, and a cherry on top. Upon seeing this turn of events, I had to try one.

Girlfriend and I went to the notorious Adams Morgan Mickey D's and took our chances. For those who are in the know, Sipowicz was not working tonight. But that did not change my extremely low expectations about the quality of "service" there. I went in and ordered an Oreo McFlurry (for Girlfriend) and a Chocolate Chip Sundae without whipped cream for myself. I knew it was a bad omen when I had to point at the picture menu to explain my choice.

The girl who took my order told the manager about the choices and he showed her how to make the new dessert first. It started out fine with the cup, ice cream, and hot fudge, but then things took a turn for the expected. He went over to the crushed Oreos and put that on the sundae, then covered the top with whipped cream and a cherry. Of course, I knew this was "my" order and he was fucking it up, but I let him go all the way with it.

He proudly presented me with this bastardization of my order and I broke the bad news: "I wanted the CHOCOLATE CHIP sundae with NO WHIPPED CREAM." He gave me the stupid grin to show that he didn't understand and I resorted to broken english and picture pointing again. "The cookies (pointing to the picture). No whipped cream. That sundae (pointing again)... and an Oreo MCFLURRY" He finally got the idea.

He put the first sundae in the salad refrigerator. I'm not sure why and I don't want to know. Then he went to the back, got some cookies, put them in a cup, and added the ice cream and the hot fudge. Just when I thought things were going well, HE MADE THE MOVE FOR THE WHIPPED CREAM AGAIN! In my firmest tone, I said, "NO WHIPPED CREAM!" This time he finally took heed.

The truth is, I didn't want the cherry either, but I knew that would really throw him off and it would be easy enough to remove, so once he dropped it on the top, I happily accepted the sundae because it was as close to what I wanted as it was going to get. I then had to remind him about the McFlurry again and he actually made it correctly. After waaaaaaaaay too long in there, I had gotten what I came for.

The verdict: the Chocolate Chip Sundae is pretty damn good. The cookies were warm and gooey and you can't screw up the rest of the ingredients because they are all pre-made. I give it a solid 7 out of 10 Catheters. But it was not worth all of the aggravation of getting it. Either way, the same thing would probably cost $10 at Baskin Robbins, so you're going in up $7.50. If you have the patience of a saint, I recommend it.

The Road to Rhode Island

2006-05-22T20:07:00.000-04:00

This past weekend, I went to a wedding in the glorious state of Rhode Island. For those of you scoring at home, that's state #29 for Catheter Man. I could try and write a full post about the weekend, but I'm feeling too lazy to do it justice, so I'll just give you some highlights. Here are some of the best and worst things about the trip.

1) The flight to Providence: surprisingly only one hour long. That was the cool part. The bad part was eating breakfast at National Airport (I refuse to call it Reagan) and experiencing a bacon, egg, and cheese on a soggy plain bagel at... wait for it...Jerry's. Still, it was a better choice than Girlfriend's breakfast burrito from Ranch 1.

One other part of the flight that ruled was Row 4. Don't ever discount how awesome the bulkhead seats are. I even snuck my finger into first class for a little while. What didn't rule was the turbulence. I don't care about the bumpiness. I cared that the flight attendant decided it was too bumpy to use the drink cart and only offered water, coffee, or orange juice during drink service. Seeing as I was denied my right to a Diet Coke, I went with OJ. I knew it was a bad choice when it had ice in it.

2) Newport: Newport is a very cool, New Englandy town. I should mention that as a Family Guy fan, I made sure that the first words out of my mouth when we landed in Rhode Island were: "Side Boob." There is nothing as cool (in a funny way) as the Rhode Island accent. We overheard one woman talking about how her "Cawkapoo runs acrawss the yahd."

Newport is like any typical seaside port town, if you were surrounded by 300 year old buildings and everyone vacationing there looked like Judge Smails. There were tons of what I have dubbed: Sailboat People. Now add places like the New England Quahog Company, Griswold's, and my college buddy and I saying "Side Boob" every five minutes and you have some idea of what the weekend was like.

3) The Rehearsal Dinner. The rehearsal dinner was great. It was at a mansion (I think) right next to the water. It had a very cool tiki bar inside and the banquet room had an amazing water view. Being that this was a wedding weekend, I took the opportunity to stuff myself silly. At the rehearsal dinner, I had a cookie, a brownie, and a slice of apple pie. And that was just dessert.

Another thing I love about rehearsal dinners are the slide shows (with musical accompaniment) featuring embarrassing photos of the bride and grooms awkward teenage years. Those alone are usually worth the price of admission. Most of the speeches were great, too. I'm reasonably sure that the 18 speeches (I'm not exaggerating) from this wedding will never be topped. That being said, if you are the type of couple that has 18 speeches about you at your wedding, you must be doing something right.

4) The Wedding: The best part about Jewish wedding ceremonies is that they are usually pretty short. Not that I (or anyone else) wouldn't love to share the couple's big moment, but I think everyone (including the couple) appreciates the brevity. After a great ceremony, highlighted by beautifully self-written vows by the bride and groom, it was time to get our party on.

I stuffed my gullet again (including two desserts) and drank enough to kill a small child. But I didn't really get drunk. Maybe it was all the dancing or perhaps the 950,000 calories I consumed that day, but I didn't even get buzzed. Not that it mattered. It was a fun party and I got to hang out with a lot of people from college who I may never see again.

After the party, it was the afterparty. Unfortunately by this time, I was exhausted. I made my way over to the Presidential Suite, where the bride and bridegroom were staying and I could not believe how big the joint was. It was at least the size of a full length basketball court, and that didn't even include the bedroom or the roof deck that you could access through a rickety spiral staircase.

As much as I wanted to continue the festivities, the two days of gluttony and drinking had taken their toll and I had to go to bed about 10 minutes after getting to the room. Apparently I missed 10 pizzas being ordered and consumed, singing and subsequently being kicked off the roofdeck by security, and general rabblerousing until 4 am.

All in all, it was a great weekend and nothing feels better than getting out of DC for a while. I wish the couple nothing but happiness in the future and thank them for a wonderful time.

And of course...

Side boob.

Separated at Birth?

2006-05-16T19:26:00.000-04:00

Zach Roloff from Little People Big World and

Butthead

Catheter Man's 5 Point Plan for Summer Blockbusters

2006-05-12T23:17:00.000-04:00

I love the movies. Let me just get that out of the way. I wish there was something I wanted to see every week so I could slip into a padded seat, immerse myself in darkness, and fart away. I will not, however, go to the movies for the sake of going to the movies. That is to say that I have standards. Rules, if you will (and I know that you will). Never has there been a more apropos time to bequeath these rules to the masses. The old studio system has resigned to sit back on its laurels and churn out big budget drivel that idiot America laps up with a spoon. Well not this blogger. You'll have to do more than that to earn my ten bucks. So without further ado, I give you Catheter Man's 5 Point Plan for Summer Blockbusters.

1) I will not see any movie based on a comic book

This rule comes to us courtesy of every movie released after Batman 1. That movie was cool. Of course, I (along with America) was also in my Michael Keaton phase at the time, so my judgment could have been a little off. But somehow in the course of the Batman series, we went from Jack Nicholson to Danny DeVito to Jim Carrey and from Michael Keaton to Val Kilmer to George Clooney. As you can tell, they are barely even trying anymore.

I'm also sure that there have probably been good movies based on comic books that have come out since then (Men in Black), but they are few and far between. Men in Black is the perfect segue to our next rule...

2) I will not see any sequels, prequels, threequels, or any other kind of 'quel

If anyone else saw Men in Black 2, you know just how horrible an idea a sequel can be. That movie felt like an hour and a half long abortion performed through my eye socket (I bet you won't find Roger Ebert giving that review). All of the Star Wars prequels were excrement. The only movie that could be considered a sequel that I actually enjoyed was Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and that was not really a sequel. It was more loosely based on some of Kevin Smith's earlier works. Of course, as we speak, Clerks 2 is coming out. Blech. In this day and age, sequels rarely, if ever, live up to the original and I will not see them.

3) I will not see any remake

This one should go without saying. I didn't want to see King Kong when it was black and white and had a claymation ape. I didn't want to see it the first time they remade it and the special effects were a little better. And I still don't want to see it when everything is done with computers.

Am I the only one who thinks that CGI ruins movies? Part of the reason why the original Star Wars was so cool is that they had real (albeit model-sized) spaceships blowing up. When I can tell everything has been done on a computer, the special effect doesn't seem so special to me. I might as well be watching cartoons. But I digress.

Remakes are lame. Most of the time the original is a classic and there is no point in trying to make it better. And if the movie wasn't that great to begin with, why would anyone want to see it now that it stars Vince Vaughn? I don't get it.

4) Explosions, car chases, and shootouts are stupid

Seriously. We've all seen these things a million times before. Its called every James Bond movie ever. Unless you bring something original to the table, like a pregnant dwarf driving a '39 Buick with a Yeti and all of the characters from Herman's Head in the back seat, shooting a laser guided hamster bazooka at the Guinness Book of World Records fat twins on scooters, then spare me.

5) I will not see any movie starring anyone who is currently on the cover of Us Weekly

Again, this should go without saying. The people that are on the cover of those magazines are not good actors. They are the "beautiful people." And if Revenge of the Nerds taught us anything, its that the beautiful people can be defeated. The first step is boycotting their crappy movies. I'm reasonably confident that anyone with half a nutsack can't name one Jennifer Aniston movie besides Office Space.

So there you have it. Sure, this plan can't hold a candle to Mike Damone's 5 point plan, but it is guaranteed to get you through the summer without wishing you had used your 10 dollars for a toothy hummer from a crackhead rather than mindlessly forking it over to the movie studios or the "Church" of Scientology. I'm not sure if that last statement even made any sense grammatically, but you get the idea. Until next time, America.

Praise you like I should

2006-05-05T22:20:00.000-04:00

As my loyal readers know, I have been "at odds" with god for the majority of my life. I'm not sure why this is. It just is. One recent example is my inability to find suitable employment. Although I consider myself a pretty good person in general, things just haven't been going my way of late. It is high time for a mediator.

This past weekend, I found the perfect chance to do just that. I attended a Catholic wedding and seeing that I was in the house of god, I decided to ask his son for a little help. Some of you might find this odd, since I'm jewish. But as Larry David found out, wonderful things start to happen when you find Jesus.

I didn't really expect much after I had my little chat with JC, but this past week I have gotten five legitimate job bites (and one super shady offer to possibly join the Russian mob). Two or three of them sound pretty good. I'm not going to jinx any of them by speaking publicly about the specifics, but I'm pretty confident with my skills and Jesus' help, I could be employed full time within a month. So wish me luck on my quest.

Yours in Christ,

Catheter Man

Park's closed. Moose out front shoulda told ya.

2006-04-27T21:18:00.000-04:00

It is with deep regret that I must inform my loyal readers that there will be no Catheter Man NFL Draft Day Spectacular this year. I will be attending a wedding in the upstate region this weekend and will be unable to devote any time to a quality post. Hopefully I will be able to return to my duties next year. Here's to hoping the Colts get Maroney (for my keeper league team's sake) and the Skins don't screw up their pick in the 2nd round. Until next time, folks.

Who's your goalie?

2006-04-19T21:48:00.000-04:00

I randomly thought about this a few days ago and I thought it was interesting. Maybe you will too.

I have been a casual NHL fan for the majority of my life. There was a time when the Caps made the playoffs every year. Some of my earliest memories of the Capitals were losing to the Penguins in the playoffs year after year. Don't even talk to me about the time we were ahead 3-0 in a best of 7 and lost the series. Heartbreaking.

Of course, there was also the time when the Caps were the 6 seed and somehow made the Stanley Cup finals. I was actually able to go to game 3. Although we lost, I did get to see one of the best fan fights of all time. Let's just put it this way: a woman was thrown two rows toward the ice. I guess that's what happens when you mix old school mulleted Caps fans with proud Detroiters.

Anyway, the point of this post is that the Goalie position has been remarkably stable for the Caps over the last 25 or so years. I guess they have been unbelievably lucky or skilled at picking goalies because it has been one long tenure after the other. Here is a list of the major goalies that I remember on the Caps.

Bob Mason -- This was the first goalie I remember seeing live. I don't remember much else from those early Caps games, other than Keith Sweat always seemingly being the next big concert at the Cap Centre.

Pete Peeters -- One of the greats, not only because of his double name, weird spelling of "Peeters", and stellar goal play, but also for wearing number 1 as a goalie. Not something you see too often.

Clint Malarchuk -- Who can forget the severed jugular? One of the most disturbing moments ever seen on a hockey rink.

Mike Liut -- He had about one good year in DC. I think he's actually a successful hockey agent now.

Don Beaupre -- This was the beginning of the new era caps. Beaupre was damn good (but not great) for about 5 years.

Jim Carey -- Fortunately (or unfortunately) his rise to stardom coincided with the heyday of Jim Carrey (Ace Ventura) and the introduction of live video into hockey games. We were cursed with a million clips from The Mask. Sssssssssssssssssssssssssmmmmmmmmmmmmokinnnnnnnnnnn'!

Olaf Kolzig -- If feel kind of bad for Olie. He's been here for about 10 years and given everything to this team. He was the guy that caught fire in 98 and got us to the Cup. Now, he's surrounded by inferior talent, Ovechkin and Halpern. The guy deserves to be traded somewhere good next year.

So that's really it. My whole life = 7 goalies. I'm not sure if you find that strange or a little unbelievable, but I just thought I'd mention it.

The Italian BMT

2006-04-18T17:07:00.000-04:00

One of the worst things about working where I do is that there are very few affordable lunch options. The U street area is famous for Ben's Chili Bowl, which is great, but if I want to maintain my girlish figure, I can't eat there more than once a month. There are also a bunch of semi-nice places that I can't really go to because they are semi-expensive and will take a long time to serve me. Ah, the joys of being an hourly "employee." So that limits my options to McDonald's, Quizno's, and Subway.

McDonald's is rarely an option because 1) it could be the dirtiest McDonald's in America, 2) I don't really want to eat that crap more than I have to (Monopoly time), and 3) my idea of ambiance doesn't include a homeless person sitting next to me. Quizno's is ok, but its kind of expensive for what you get, although I do enjoy the pepper bar and horseradish sauce. This limits my choice to Subway.

Now, I don't really like Subway. Everything went downhill ever since they stopped the "U" style cutting of their bread and went to the straight across method. The only things I actually enjoy are the free refills and the fresh baked cookies. Since Subway is really the only option, I have to make the best of it.

The least offensive sandwich to me is the Italian BMT. This includes pepperoni, salami, and ham. Once I add cheese, it passes my test of being the most unkosher meal I can order. But I always had one question about the BMT. What the fuck does BMT stand for? Due to the fact that 99% of the people working for Subway are foreign, I could never ask. But today that all changed.

I ordered my usual 6 inch Italian BMT combo with chocolate chip cookies in lieu of chips and I was stunned to see a white face looking back at me from behind the counter. I took this opportunity to ask the only sandwich artist who could speak fluent English my question for the ages. What does BMT stand for? The guy, who must have just returned from management training answered me immediately: "Brooklyn Manhattan Transfer." What this has to do with a pork sandwich, I'll never know, but one of life's mysteries is hereby solved.

"Tis the Season

2006-04-13T19:04:00.000-04:00

This week is probably the second biggest dual-religion holiday week to December's Hannukmas season. And since Chanuka (how the fuck do you spell that shit?) is about as easy to schedule as Chinese New Year, this week in April offers a glimpse of both religions. Here is the big difference between Judaism and Christianity (A Catheter Man comparitive religion special):

Christians are able to take the death of Jesus and create a fun holiday, filled with candy, chocolate, painted eggs, and cartoon bunnies.

Jews take a presumably happy moment of escaping from slavery in Egypt and turn it into a week of not being able to eat bread. Who are the ad wizards that came up with that one?

Is it me?

2006-04-09T21:45:00.000-04:00

Last night after a old-fashioned early pregame, J-man, Ike, and I went out to one of our favorite drinking establishments. It turned out to be quite an interesting night. First, when we entered the bar, there were a few cops inside. This was pretty unusual. Then we saw the reason they were there: to arrest a guy for being black on a Saturday night. Uncomfortable for everyone involved.

After drinking for a little while, things devolved into our new favorite pastime: Who is your black celebrity equivalent? Its a simple game, really. All you have to do is come up with each person's black celebrity equivalent. See, its not just a clever name. Anyway, it was decided that mine is Shawn Wayans. I'm not really sure what that means, but it could be much worse. We agreed that our friend Schewey is Rog from What's Happening.

Once we left the bar, things got a little weirder. First, we saw a guy get thrown out of a different bar. That's not so strange, as our friend G man has been known to get "escorted" out of a bar in a full nelson from time to time. What was weird was that this guy had so much momentum coming out of the bar that he literally flew across the sidewalk and landed on his ass in the street. Okaaaaaaay.

Then we went to get some empanadas. Because nothing puts a cap on a night of drinking like hot meat. The guy serving the empanadas had a tattoo of a cross on his freaking forehead. Thats gotta hurt. Plus, it probably limits your job prospects to either professional boxer, gang member, or empanada server. Its good to see this guy took the right route.

All in all, an odd night.

This one goes out to my boys from Iowa City

2006-04-08T19:45:00.000-04:00

You must come back home.

Bored at Work

2006-04-07T19:37:00.000-04:00

My department has been unusually empty the last few days and it has given me a chance to think about some things. The one that stnds out in my mind is this: If my company were to field a softball team, it could be the only one in history where the women re better than the men (except me, of course). Just something to think about.

The gods must be crazy

2006-03-28T21:33:00.000-05:00

I've moved sideways/down in the world. Now I am pretty much a glorified receptionist at my (temp) job. Although I also process TPS reports and other data-entry related tasks, I also have to answer the phone and sit in the gimpy half-cubicle, where anyone can see my computer screen and/or anything else I'm doing or not doing. To put it plainly, it sucks. But I really don't have much of a choice right now, so I have to take my little moments of enjoyment when I can get them.

One such moment happened today. As I have said before, I work in what could be described as the charitable fringe of society (if I were being paid by the company and not the temp agency, I would truly be a charity case). As such, I am treated to ridiculous conversations, creepy Xerox technicians, and every once in a while, absolutely surreal sights.

As I was minding my own business at my crapicle, some woman/man, standing about 6'4", with blonde highlights at the tips of her/his shoulder length hair walked in and asked if someone's office was in our department. It was only then that I realized that he/she was missing at least one of his/her front teeth. Imagine Leon Spinks crossed with Wanda from In Living Color.It might have been the ugliest woman of all time or the most delusional pre or post-op transsexual ever. Either way, I could barely believe my eyes. What sucked was that I don't even have anyone to share my giddiness about Wanda Spinks with because I am the only "normal" person in my department. However, just as he/she was safely out of range, the hilarious guy who sits across from me leans back in his chair and says, "That's a big girl."

Don't Fuck with de Catheter

2006-03-27T19:25:00.000-05:00

I am coming up to New York this week and Mulgrew is scared shitless. Or, to be more precise, he's so scared of the wrath of the Catheter that he's shitting blood. If you don't believe me, check out his latest post. You can find his blog in my links section, under the title: "No Talent Ass Clown."

Mulgrew, I'm in your head (and intestines).

I am a con sarn genius

2006-03-21T20:59:00.000-05:00

I watched the first half of Sunday's Sopranos last night and was nearly blown away by my own brilliance. I really had no clue that the first part of the episode dealt with Tony's dream/altered consciousness/heaven where he is basically thinking about his new identity as Kevin Finnerty, an Arizona businessman with Altzheimer's. I am so close to being Employee of the Month.

An Uninformed Theory

2006-03-20T19:35:00.000-05:00

I gave up the Sopranos about 5 years ago. You know, last season. The reason I did this was not because of any particular hatred for the show or the characters or even the extra money that I had to pay RCN for the privilege of getting HBO. Simply put, the show bored me. Nothing ever happened. It was like taking a girl out for a nice dinner and drinks every week and you didn't even get a half-hearted hand job at the end of the night. I had no choice but to cut the Sopranos off.

Why do I mention this? Well, since this is the last season, I have been giving the show a final chance in the hopes that it gets really good. Unfortunately, since my allegiance is to Family Guy, I end up missing the first half of the show every week. And forget about trying to catch a repeat of the show or even Tivoing it. That's just too much effort. All of this is just a round about preface to the point of this post.

I have a theory!

Now, as you probably know, I am not qualified to do anything, much less offer conjecture on a show I haven't watched for years and which I've only seen half of each episode this season, but bear with me. My theory is about how the Sopranos is going to end. And if I get this right, you all must crown me "Employee of the Month" and send me $12.50.

Ok, so Tony will wake up from his coma (assuming he's in a coma -- remember I've only seen half of each one) and he will have amnesia. There might be some sort of big trial against either Uncle Junior or Tony in which it will become clear that neither of them are playing with a full deck. Junior gets off and/or eventually dies and Tony goes back home while the rest of the gang try and figure out who the new boss is. The crew decides that Tony really is out of his gourd and he seems to genuinely have amnesia. The mob, of course, goes on without him. Without a job or any recognition of his current surroundings, Tony and Carmela decide to move somewhere (I'm guessing Arizona or somewhere else warm)the final shot is Tony driving down the Jersey Turnpike, like in the opening credits with a little smile on his face. If its done correctly, nobody will know if he really had amnesia or just used the accident as a chance to get out of the game.

Sounds like a pretty good theory, right?

In a semi-related note, girlfriend always makes me watch Grey's Anatomy on Sunday nights as well. As I was watching the obviously "diverse" cast, it dawned upon me: How do all of these doctor shows manage to find the .000001% of hospitals with no Jewish doctors? Its uncanny.

Sportin' Waves

2006-03-19T17:22:00.000-05:00

Girlfriend and I went to Target for our near-monthly supply run and I wanted to restock my supply of hair jelly. I am a big fan of Citre-Shine pomade because, as you know, I am drawn to citrusy things like Pam Anderson is drawn to disease-ridden men. Of course, Target does not carry Citre Shine for some unknown reason. In fact, they really were lacking in almost all suitably-strong pomades (save for the Crew kind and I'm not buying that out of principle because its $15).

So I was presented with a dilemma. I have no hair jelly and I need to get something so I don't look like I'm homeless at work tomorrow. I went into the realm of which we do not dare venture. The black hair products aisle. Amid the sea of relaxers and hair mayonnaises (I'm serious), I found my salvation: Sportin' Waves. It is exactly the strength of pomade I need for my stubborn widow's peak. Plus, as an added bonus, its like $2 and comes in a cool-looking tin.

In the grand tradition of white people stealing black people's ideas, I would like to announce that I have safely landed on black hair planet. Its one small step for white man. One giant leap for white man kind.

Washington Redskins: Offseason Champs Again

2006-03-14T17:53:00.000-05:00

If Dan Snyder is good at one thing, its hype. Nothing creates loftier expectations than going out and buying up all the high profile free agents on the market. Usually, this type of move completely backfires and the team ends up watching the playoffs from the comfort of their own recliners. But without getting into that too much, the moves made by the Skins in the last few days have tipped me off to a few different things. I'll explain.

1) Letting Arrington leave: I believe Arrington is a great talent. He is as athletically gifted as they come and I will always hold a special place in my heart for the guy who ended Troy Aikman's career. I think the reason why the Skins let him go is two fold.
First, he doesn't know how to play his position. He's probably the type of guy who because of his athletic superiority at every level, could rely on his speed and instincts to compensate for being out of position a lot of the time. Due to this, he probably never bothered to learn where he needs to be on every play. And linebacker is a position where you need to know your on-field positioning so well, it should almost be second nature. After five different defensive coordinators in five years, Lavar probably stopped trying to learn.
Secondly, I think that his injury two years ago significantly effected his speed and/or lateral movement. He is no longer able to compensate for being out of position. Once the Redskins saw this, they decided that they would rather have someone else on the field. While they might not be as talented as Lavar, at least they would be in the right position. Arrington became a liability in the defense most of the time and that is the reason for the lack of playing time last season. When it became clear that he was either unwilling or unable to learn the system this year, he punched his own ticket out of town. That being said, I have no doubt that he could be a Pro Bowler again in the right system.

2) Randle el and Lloyd: The addition of two more small WRs tips the Skins hand in that they will not be taking a WR with their first (second round) pick in the draft. This is fine with me because I doubt they would be able to get a quality immediate starter at that position in the second round.
I also believe this means that the Skins will continue to use the TEs and H-backs more often in the passing game. Cooley should continue his path to becoming one of the most productive TEs in the league and Fauria will finally give the Skins another viable receiver from that position.
Admittedly, the Skins probably spent too much on Randle el, but in addition to being a decent #2 WR, he gives them the kick and punt return threat they have been missing since Brian Mitchell left and he allows them to run those gadget plays that Pittsburgh was so fond of.

3) Archuleta: I like Archuleta, but this could be a move that means Sean Taylor could be spending more time tossing salads than catching interceptions next season. That kind of scares me. On the other hand, if the Skins' safties are Archuleta and Taylor, they will be nasty against the run and no WR is going to want to go over the middle with those two tanks lurking there.

4) Carter: The Skins getting Andre Carter is like asking a starving man if he wants a McDonalds Filet-o-Fish. When compared with the rest of the menu, it might not be the best choice, but when you're starving, it probably tastes like the best thing you've ever eaten.
Anyone who knows me knows that my biggest problem with the Skins is their stubborn refusal to upgrade the defensive end position for the better part of a decade. Athough Carter didn't play all that well for SF over the past couple of years, he was also on the league's worst defense over those years.
I'm hoping the Skins got Andre Carter: the former first rounder with a new lease on life and a burning desire to prove to everyone why he was chosen in the first round of the draft. Whatever he brings to the table, it will be better than anything the Skins have had in the recent past.
This move probably also signifies that the Skins will not be taking a DE with their first pick in the draft, which pisses me off to no end. But, they also need a cornerback pretty badly, and some depth at offensive line (they had Ray Brown, a freaking senior citizen, playing last year). So there are some more pressing needs at the moment. Regardless, I'm just thankful that the Skins finally addressed their worst position of the last 15 years (even if he is a little light in the ass).

5) The Sum Total of the moves: Despite what some people may think, as well as plenty of evidence to the contrary, I believe that Dan Snyder does actually learn from his mistakes. The off season spending sprees of 2003 and 2000 netted absolutey nothing. So why would he do it again? I believe that this is Joe Gibbs' last season. Although he signed for longer, I don't think anyone expects the old man to stay on much longer. That is why the Skins were able to keep Greg Williams for another season when he could have been a head coach in any number of other places. It is also the reason the Skins now have an Assistant Head Coach -- Offense. Snyder is pulling out all the stops in one last-ditch attempt to win one for the Gibber.

The first job offer I've had in months

2006-03-13T17:36:00.000-05:00

There was something in the air today in DC. Maybe the fact that it was about 80 degrees brought a little pep to everyone's morning. I have no idea. Regardless, as I was walking from the Metro to work this morning, I passed two workers who were presumably installing a Sub Zero refrigerator in someone's newly-remodeled kitchen. The guys looked like your typical contractor types and since one of them had some sort of tape stuck to his hand, which he was waving about, I naturally looked their way as I was walking. That lead to this exchange:

scraggly-looking contractor guy: "Hey, you want to help us?"
Me: "How much do you pay?"
Contractor: "The minimum."
Me: "No thanks."
Contractor: "You should ditch college and come work with us."(I guess I still look young enough to go to college)
Me: "That's ok." (by this point, I am a good 25 feet past them)
Contractor: "Hey!"
Me: Walking, looking ahead
Contractor: "Hey!"
Me: Turning around
Contractor: "This is what the ladies want!" (He then proceeded to pull up his dusty flannel shirt to reveal his redneck/middle-aged guy "six pack" along with various faded blue-green tattoos).
Me: Chuckling, yet briskly walking further away before he shows me anything else.

All I can say about this incident is, that contractor knows talent when he sees it. I would have hauled the shit out of that refrigerator.

Mulgrew fires back

2006-03-10T22:04:00.000-05:00

Well, I haven't heard from Jason Mulgrew since I declared 90's style rap feud on that bama, but today I saw what I can only assume is his lame-ass attempt at retaliation. If you check here, you will see that Mr. Mulgrew is jocking my steez. His Sherman Klump ass even copied me by posting about Jury Duty. Who knows if he even went to jury duty, but sure as shit, two days after I had a post about jury duty, here comes Poppin' Fresh claiming my city, but bitch, you ain't from Compton!

Tugboat even had the audacity to call himself "Larry Awesome." If I'm not mistaken, I believe I came up with your new nickname Hollywood Montrose. Doesn't it just sing? I have another question for you. Did what's his name get at you? Who? Deeeeeeez nuuuuuuuuts!

But seriously, did you actually think you could bite my jury duty post and nobody would notice? Your Morning Zoo ass doesn't even have the skills to throw down with the shit about the priest or the Escalade, so you shouldn't have even tried. And as for that shit about coming from a family of criminals. Shit. Didn't you go to prep school, motherfucker?

Listen up, bitch. I'm coming up to New York this month and if you know what's good for you, you'll stay the fuck out of my way. And if you ever copy my shit again, you best be popping those Xanax like Krispy Kremes. Word is bond.

Jury Duty

2006-03-07T19:31:00.000-05:00

No, this post is not about the Pauly Shore movie. It is about the great civic duty I performed today: sitting in a room downtown bored out of my skull. In other words, jury duty.

Some of you may be suprised to learn that I have managed to avoid this task for the past 10 years by constantly living in different states than where my driver's license was issued. On a side note, I also didn't vote until the last election and my vote actually wound up meaning less than if I had voted any other state in the country (not that I live in a state). For whatever reason, my luck ran out this year, when I finally was physically able to go to jury duty for the first time.

I arrived at the court house promptly at 8 am. We had to sign in and get our little Juror badges with our Juror number on it. Once that happened, I went in the appropriate waiting room and waited. At about 9 am, they showed an informational video hosted by local news anchor Renee Poussant and the Chief Judge of the Court. I couldn't help but think that if I were actually on trial (or suing someone) I would not want the jury of my peers to be people who, like me, were half asleep and not really paying attention to this video, which possibly could have been their only real instructions on how to be a juror. The highlight of the video was when they told us that the guy in the robe is the judge. What? No Randy, Paula, and Simon?

After the video, a woman told us that there were two juries that needed to be selected soon and that she'd be back to do that. She also asked if we wanted the tvs in the room on or off. Someone said on. After informing everyone that the tvs only could show the channel they had on, "not HBO or Showtime." She went into the back room and turned them on to PBS. Luckily, I had brought a book. I knew I'd be in for the long haul. What I didn't expect was that the PBS show that they had (I think it was a DVD) was Ken Burns' Baseball. So I had that going for me, which was nice.

I watched Baseball for about an hour when I wanted to go get a drink. We were allowed to go to the snack machines to get food or take a 10 minute break (which, we were informed, was not enough time to go home and come back) to go to the cafeteria. I went with the first option. The sodas were a rip off at $1.50 for a 20 ouncer, but I didn't really feel like going without, so I got a Diet Dr. Pepper because they didn't have Diet Coke (apparently the DC Court system is a Pepsi company).

While I was in the snack machine area, I witnessed something that makes me believe that god (if there is one) has just as sick a sense of humor as I do. A priest got ripped off by the Pepsi machine. Yes, there was a priest reporting for jury duty and we happened to want sodas at the same time. He put his money in the Pepsi machine and pressed whatever soda he wanted. Only then did the machine say that it was out of that product. The priest turns to me and says, "I guess they take your money and then tell you what they don't have." I muttered something and got out of there before he could spot how amused I was at his predicament.

I went back into the waiting room and watched a little more Baseball and read my book. Soon, the woman came back to read off the first list of potential jurors. For those of you not familiar with the voire dire process, they take a bigger pool of people than they actually need and the lawyers choose 12 jurors (and 4 alternates) from that list based on their answers to questions. We were also told that if we are not picked, we should not take it personally. Hilarious. Anyway, she read the first list of names and I was not on it. More waiting.

A little while later, a man came in and repeated the process. The only difference is that this guy was a classic loud-talker. He didn't even need the microphone. I was not on his list either. He actually said that he called 55 people. Was I not even going to get called today? It is the Year of the Man. I couldn't be sure, but I was feeling good about things.

At 10 am, a second group of potential jurors reported to sign-in. Why couldn't I be in the late shift? By about 11, they were all ready and they replayed the informational video. By this time the room was packed and they announced that anyone who had been there since 8 could go out and take a 10 minute break. I decided that I didn't need to see the video again, so I went outside for 10 minutes.

When I came back, my seat had been taken (just when the phlegmy guy next to me whose nose whistled when he breathed had been called for a jury). I sat down in one of the few seats in the snack machine room and did a Sudoku and crossword puzzle. I was really bored. After counting down the minutes until lunch, they let us break at 12:15. Sweet. Freedom! If only for 1 hour.

Since I needed to get away from that building for lunch, I decided against the cafeteria (even if there was a possibility of getting one of those crappy cafeteria style hamburgers. The Verizon (nee MCI) Center is really close to the courthouse, so I walked the few blocks over there and settled on California Tortilla. I don't really like California Tortilla, but it was the only place that wasn't packed to the gills.

When I was walking back to the courthouse, I witnessed the second funniest thing I saw all day. There was a fire truck pulled up to the side of the street and two other official-looking trucks with it. There were also about 10 cops standing around on the sidewalk next to the area. As far as I could tell, there was no fire in the area, so I walked right by the crowd. What I saw was classic. The fire truck had tried to pull over and misjudged the amount of space between it and a parked car. There was a brand new (with the window sticker still in it) white Escalade with its front bumper ripped halfway off, connected to the business end of the fire truck. I can only imagine what the owner of this truck must have thought when he arrived on the scene. As much as I would have love to stay for those fireworks, I had to get back.

Back in the waiting room, I got a different seat. More waiting. More Baseball (they restarted it) and more book. When the woman came back in to announce another list of people, I almost wanted to be picked out of sheer boredom. While she was reading the list, two people's cell phones went off. The woman made some crack about it and went on with her recitation. Then, after she was finished (not picked again!), a woman behind me got a cell phone call and from what I could understand from her half of the conversation was that her kid had hit his teacher. Only in DC, folks. Only in DC.

Finally, at about 2:15, they announced over the loudspeaker that all potential jurors needed to come to the waiting room for an announcement. They told us we could finally leave. So I went to the Jury ATM machine and collected my $4 transportation pay and eventually got out of there. Having accomplished my civic duty of wating in a room all day, I cannot get called for another two years.

So what did I learn today?
1) god hates priests
2) bring your own soda/video ipod/book/PSP to jury duty
3) Satchel Paige won approximately 3000 games. Josh Gibson hit approximately 900 home runs
4) Fire Truck beats Escalade
5) America should probably think twice about this whole "jury of your peers" thing.

Overheard at Work

2006-03-06T17:44:00.000-05:00

As fritter away the hours that make up the dull day at work, I get pretty bored. This might be due. in part, to the fact that they don't really have enough work to keep my occupied for 8 full hours and the work that they do give me, I would probably be able to finish in 1/5 of the time if the database was not online and the computers weren't slower than Apple IIe's. In any event, if someone is having a conversation, I like to listen to them because everyone else who works there lives in such a different world from me. Here are some things I've heard.

"Oh my god. U Street was just flooded with lesbians on Saturday."

"I had dried lotion on my face. It looked like something else."

"I think these protein drinks I've been taking are making me weird."

"I only had to wake up to go pee pee once (last night)."

"I'm turning into a bitter, suspicious old queen."

"Its so hard to be a fag sometimes (describing decorating problems)."

"Have you been peeing on each other?"

"Maybe thats why you don't have a Valentine. You should start going commando."

"He's not gay. He's just Canadian."

"Michael Jordan and Phil Collins messed that boy up (talking about Kwame Brown)."

"I was dating a chick that left me for [redacted sports star]. From one fag to another."

"I'm a 40 year-old gay man. How do I know about girly tweens?"

"Palm Springs is like the Rehoboth of LA. All the homos go there on the weekends."

"I met someone, but my heart is with someone else.
Your heart is with Jesus?
No!
Oh well, I tried."

So, as you can see. I am slowly losing my mind at work. But at least I'm laughing all the way to the crazy house.

American Idol Recap: Not this week

2006-02-28T20:01:00.000-05:00

Sorry gang. I don't really feel like doing this tonight and tomorrow I will be out to dinner with girlfriend, celebrating her birthday. So tough cookies.

The Don

2006-02-26T16:45:00.000-05:00

Gone but not forgotten.

It's on (Jason Mulgrew) 187um Killa

2006-02-23T18:32:00.000-05:00

When I started this blog, I wanted a way to get noticed by some of the people who share my sick, twisted sense of humor. It was about that time that I discovered Jason Mulgrew's blog and nearly cried as I tried to contain my laughter during my Tax Law class. As I read some of his previous posts, I knew that his sense of humor mirrored mine and so did his writing (admittedly, his is slightly funnier because I have long given up the fat guy lifestyle for one more anorexia-based).

Everything is Wrong with me was one of the first blogs I had in my links section. In fact, I think it was the only one written by someone I did not know. Then, Mr. Mulgrew decided that he wanted some free publicity for his site. He offered a deal in which my blog could be linked on his "Friends of" section if I linked to him and told 10 people about it. Well, I knew a great deal when I saw it. I did exactly that (I didn't even use any fake email addresses either). Within a couple of weeks, my little corner of the internet was listed right there amongst such heavy hitters as Opinionistas and My Blog is Poop.

Everything went swimmingly for quite some time. But then it all changed. It seems as though young Jason is gone from face to heel. Jasamania has flipped into Hollywood Mulgrew. Today, Hollywood Mulgrew unveiled a new site design. A new site design that classifies the other blogs linked therein into "Awesome," "Famous," and "Other."

Now, normally I would not care about being thrown into the "other" category like so much dirty socks, but, unlike the Awesome and Famous categories, the Other category is not even on the front page. In fact, it is on a page that you can't even get to (yet?). I'm not even sure I'm on it. And for that, I am doing something that should have been done a long time ago. I'm starting a 90's rap style feud with Jason Mulgrew. That's right fat boy, its on.

For the purposes of this feud, I will be representing the East Coast, while "Hollywood" Mulgrew has just joined the Westside crew. Since you fired the first shot in this war, I will be taking your link off my front page when my lazy ass gets around to it. You will never be one of People's 50 hottest bachelors again without my link, bitch. My 4-4 makes sure none of your readership grow!

American Idol Recap: Just 12 of the Guys

2006-02-22T20:15:00.000-05:00

I missed yesterday's show and wanted to get right into the guys competition. I told you I'd probably not follow through every time and what better way to prove it than not showing up for the first show? On the serious tip, I was at the Wizards game watching KG basically not caring at all and still throwing up a double-double (although not as impressive as Colediggy, Solomon, and that girl from Kentucky's double-double in Mexico). I'm not even going to get into the depressing, time-wasting career fair that preceded the game. Anyway, on with the recap.

Gay Aiken -- He actually claimed that he was going to distance himself from Clay Aiken with his song choice, but started out the night extra gay, wearing a pink shirt and singing gay anthem "Come to my Window" by Melissa Etheridge(sp?)... badly. Randy mumbled a few things about pitch and dog, but seemed to kind of like it. Paula basically said he shouldn't have sung it. Simon came with the real and called him out for being average at best.

Shawn Brumder -- Let the gayness continue. Mr. Crooner sings "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Queen. He looked like one of those chorus or drama douchebags from high school that thinks he's the shit at singing and tries to really emote during every word of every song, even if it sounds like hot garbage. Randy called him a boo-dagged-ass bitch. Paula was probably hopped up on goofballs because she didn't hate it. Once again, Simon says whats on everyone's mind. Shawn Brumder is a joke, but the jackasses of America probably like him.

Redneck -- admits that he has trouble remembering the lyrics at times. Hmm, I wonder if he has trouble remembering to bathe? He chose "Simple Man" by Lynard Skynard because he is "a simple man." He sounded like he gargled with used football cleats and smoked 3 cigars before singing tonight. Randy basically told him it sounded like he was giving birth, but he liked it. Paula said he is "growing." Simon called him raw, yet said he is no better than me (Catheter Man) singing Thunderstruck at a bar. Every time Redneck speaks, I check to see if I'm watching COPS instead of American Idol.

Sam Weir -- He went with "I Want You Back" by the Jackson 5. In all seriousness (and Colediggy can back me up on this) I can sing this song better than he did. Randy said he liked Sam Weir for "trying to do his thing." Paula was reminded of Bobby Brady. EXACTLY. Why didn't I think of that? Simon brings it again. Kudos to him for calling Sam average. Paula then called on the Pantydroppers to scream for him and they did. Paula and Randy seem impressed that it was in tune. Simon is right. It was average. I could have done better.

Fat Joe -- He chose "Reasons" by Earth, Wind, and Fire. It sounded like Guy Hollerin singing "Sexual Healing" at a karaoke place, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Its just not his real singing voice. So, what are we supposed to jugde him on? Randy predictibly loved the Earth, Wind, and Fire song. Paula called him "amazing." Come on Simon. YES! Simon calls it a pimpy, third-rate version of the song. Thank you Simon. Why are the other judges even there?

Evil Jared -- He already wins the craziest sideburns of the year award. He chose yet another of my karaoke favorites: "Dead or Alive" by Bon Jovi. I will admit that he sang it better than me. But just barely. If I were him, I would have left in the part about the loaded six string. Thats clearly where you can really kick it vocally. Randy called him very, very current even though he just did a song from about 10 years ago. Paula is basically fingering herself. Simon liked the song and called him the first one with potential of the night. I agree totally.

Nervous Tic -- He is singing "One Last Cry" by Brian McKnight. He's actually not half bad compared with the others who have gone so far. Plus he has a lisp. Wouldn't it be great to have an American Idol with a lisp? He kind of reminds me of Radar O'Reilly. Randy liked him. Paula wishes her was her nerdy kid that was showing all the others up. Simon said he liked him, but he had the J Katz demographic (60 and above and 16 and below).

New Lenny Kravitz -- He actually looks like the black Chubbs. About 3 of my readers will get that, but I don't care. Its uncanny. he sang "Shout" by Otis Day and the Knights. Otis, my man! He's got the moves, but the vocals are average. Randy liked the song choice and the moves. Paula loved him. Simon called him the "warm up for the Chippendales." Classic. Simon must go to a lot of male strip shows.

Chinstrap Toothface -- "If You Really Love Me" by Stevie Wonder. First impression: he'll be lucky to make it past this week. He was totally drowned out by the backup singers and the band. The Pantydroppers loved him. So did Randy and Paula (big surprise). I don't get it. Maybe its his grotesquely swollen jaw that irks me. Simon calls him potentially the best male vocalist ever on the show. WHAT? It must sound really different in the audience.

I'M CAROL! -- If you haven't noticed, this guy just reminds me of that character that Horatio Sans does every few weeks on SNL. He's singing "Copacabana" by Barry Manilow. I kind of wish I had called him Dirty Sanchez because thats what his moustache looks like. His singing was forgettable. But pretty much anyone who sings Copacabana sounds alike. But he is Carol. Annoying. Randy didn't like him. Paula all but called him a joke. Simon called it a nightmare, which it was. By the end, all the judges were arguing over how "not that bad" it was. Ominous.

Constantine II -- Wow, this means Blue is closing tonight. C-II is singing "Father Figure" by George Michael to keep with the gay theme we have going tonight. He rocked it, but should have gone with the mirrored sunglasses and black leather jacket to really pull off the George Michael experience. This guy touches his hair almost as much as Mitch in Dazed and Confused. Randy called him a star. Paula's seat is wet. Simon brought it again. Not the best vocals, but C-II's got "it."

Blue -- You're my boy! He's closes out gay night with "Leave on" by Elton John. Or is it "Livan", an ode to Livan Hernandez? It was original, but weird. Not the greatest performance, but I'll take it. Randy echoed my comments. Paula can't even speak, she wants him to advance so much. Simon now thinks he should make the finals.

Thats it for tonight. Soul Patrol!

The Year of the...Man

2006-02-20T17:21:00.000-05:00

Avid readers of this blog will no doubt remember the culmination of the Year of the Catheter a week or two ago. Since I did not win any of the quarters of the Superbowl box pool (I had a 1 in 10 chance), I believed that my luck had dried up and the year of good fortune was over. That was until Saturday night.

Yes, folks. I joined the millions of idiots who donate to the stupid tax. I gave my six dollars for three chances to win 365 million dollars (a perfect amount for "fuck you" money, as Sir Charles Barkley would say). This was not the first time I have attempted to defy the odds. A few months ago, the jackpot was over 200 million and I actually made a chart of the most likely numbers, based on the last 100 drawings. Needless to say, it didn't work.

But this time, I just randomly chose numbers while trying to avoid touching the crackheads who were in line with me. I got my ticket Friday and basically forgot about the whole thing until sometime Sunday morning. When I woke up, I checked my numbers and lo and behold...I got the powerball. Luckily (or unluckily) I got (only) one more of the other numbers, so I ended up winning $4 and netting $-2. Either way, I am proclaiming it a win for Catheter Man.

Furthermore, I am also proclaiming that since the Year of the Catheter is over, it is now the Year of the Man. I will be having even better luck this year, beginning with my big Powerball win and continuing as I get a job tomorrow at a career fair where I don't even know what companies will attend. I'm going to rock their faces off.

My Inexplicable and Unfounded Aversion

2006-02-17T22:12:00.000-05:00

I just realized something today. Its not something I usually spend much time thinking about. Its probably not something anyone usually thinks about. But I realized as I was canceling my Discover (Platinum!) Card that I have an inexplicable and unfounded aversion to Master Card. I have no idea why.

Credit card preferences, I imagine, are much like political affiliation in the south. You just do what your parents did. No questions asked. Growing up, my parents always used Visa. I don't know why. Those were the halcyon years of wine and roses when the card actually looked like the little logo in the corner of your current card. Those were the golden days, when my father sent back his hot and sour soup at the chinese place because it was too cold. When the waiter asked what he wanted, he said it should be hotter. The waiter returned with a spicier, still luke warm soup. My father tried to explain that he wanted the temperature hotter, not the spice. The waiter took back the soup and returned with yet a spicier concoction. This happened once more before my father was left with a room temperature bowl of liquid fire, good enough to scald the Alpha Beta's nether regions. But I digress.

Those were the years even before the hologram. But the credit card went through more changes. Next came the era of the "new" cards. My mother got a Discover card because of the cash back system (I'm convinced after having one for about 6 years that you get less than 1% of your money back). Then came the time of the specialty cards, an era which allowed countless parents to get hundreds of thousands of airline miles by paying for their children's tuition bills via airline credit cards. Yet, for those of us without a steady (or any) income, the credit card was not in our arsenal.

In college, I always had the "emergency" credit card. A card that I was supposed to use only when the situation was so dire, that I could not pay in cash. Although my name was on it, it drew from my parents' account. I think the only times I actually used that card were to get more money on my meal card freshman year (remember the M-Card tard?) and when I broke Colediggy, the Gimp, and my collective double bubble, ice-holder bong sophomore year. Before they even noticed, I went out and bought a new, admittedly less cool version (they didn't have the same one we had) for our enjoyment. When my mother questioned the $60 charge from Stairway to Heaven, I said it was a music store where I bought a couple of cds and some posters for my room. I'm not sure if she believed me.

When I got out of college, I was officially off the payroll, which is why instead of living in a nice, doorman building in Manhattan, I lived in an old Italian couple's basement in Lyndhurst, New Jersey (if they weren't so old, it would have been like living in the Soprano's basement). It was at that time that I decided that I needed a credit card. Once I saw that Visa allowed me to get a card with the Redskins logo on it, I was smitten. I became a loyal Visa customer. I even got their scam insurance in case I was ever unemployed (because my first job fucked with my head so much).

But the thing I always feel when choosing or even seeing credit cards is that I would never, ever, EVER have a Master Card. I have no idea why. I even think Master Card and Visa are the same company, but I would still never own one. In fact, I don't think I've ever even seen one used before. I've had Visa, the aforementioned Discover, and the newly-acquired Delta Skymiles AmEx, but I would never choose a Master Card.

So these are my questions to my readers (if I actually have any). Do you have a Master Card? Do you have an inexplicable and unfounded aversion to Master Card? Have you ever seen someone use one? Does the company even exist? Can you find me a full-time, lucrative job?

Wednesgay

2006-02-15T21:23:00.000-05:00

Something at work must be rubbing off on me. Its probably either in the hand soap, the sodas from the machine, or the boxes of Man 2 Man lube in the basement. Whatever the reason, I have become at least 32% gay on Wednesdays. Why? I not only watch American Idol, but also Project Runway.

I have decided that I will be posting my takes on the American Idol shows for the rest of the season. Bear in mind, if I actually get around to doing this every week, I'll be shocked. On the other hand, I did look at the strawberry flavored dental dams at work, so anything is possible.

Here is my list of nicknames for the 24 contestants who made it to the audience participation portion of the show. I'll probably forget who's who by next week, so I reserve the right to change people's nicknames whenever I want.

The Guys:
Constantine II
I'm Carol!
Shawn Brumder
Fat Joe
Chinstrap Toothface
New Lenny Kravitz
Evil Jared
Redneck
Gay Aiken
Nervous Tic
(You're my boy) Blue
Sam Weir

The Girls:
Rachel Ray
Mandingo
Mel M.
Aisha
Black Sweder Optional
Clown Face
Girl Next Door
O'Dreamy
8 Mile Barbie
Theory of Relativity
Red State Randi
The girl too boring for a nickname

Granted, some of the names aren't that great, but they are the best I could do on short notice. Thats why I will probably be changing some of them in the coming weeks. So I hope you like them and if you actually get most of them, then god help you. Because you're almost as fucked up as me.

Olympics? More like O-Stink-ics.

2006-02-12T21:04:00.000-05:00

You know what really grinds my gears? The non-sport sports at the Olypmics. Specifically: figure skating, gymnastics, and diving. Repeat after me: THESE ARE NOT SPORTS. They might be competitions, but they are not sports. These are not sports because the winner is not determined by the one with the most points or goals or lowest time. They final standings are determined by judges. Any time a "fragile" french judge can influence the outcome of the game, it is not a sport. I realize that boxing also falls into the same category, but it has the possibility of becoming a sport if one of the boxers knocks the other out. I also realize that the above named competitions require skill and training and hard work, but I'm just saying if I want to see a bunch of asians in spandex, I'll go to Cirque du Soleil.

The Year of the Catheter is over

2006-02-06T18:11:00.000-05:00

Yes, gang, its true. Its true. Last year at this time, I was coming off a nice second quarter win in my Superbowl boxes pool, which officially began a self-appointed year of good luck for Catheter Man. This year, I went into the Superbowl hoping that the lucky streak would continue, but fearing its swift demise. What happened makes me believe that I might be back to my heretofore unlucky ways this year.

This year, I got 10 boxes because they were only one dollar and I wanted to have a healthy slew of numbers to hope for. I designated one of my boxes the "lucky" one and named it Popozao in honor of Kevin Federline's instant classic. When we pulled the numbers, that one wasn't very lucky, but I did end up with some good ones. One of the best was 7-0 Seahawks.

Well, if you watched the game, you know what happened. As the first quarter wound down, Matt Hasselbeck threw a perfect touchdown pass to Darrell Jackson, only to have it called back by a questionable offensive pass interference call. Away went the seven point score, and with it, the potential two year run for Catheter Man.

The rest of the game didn't really yield any chances for me. The second quarter ended up being pretty crappy for both the Mike Holmgren school of clock management and my numbers. However, girlfriend did win this quarter. So it could be the Year of the Girlfriend. The third and fourth quarters were won by the people who (seemingly, at least) win every year: The J Man and Kid Ike. They are like the Vijay Singh and Tiger Woods of box pools.

The rest of the Superbowl was pretty forgettable. The teams played worse than our rec league team after one of our "all night drinking parties." The commercials were weak (thanks FCC). And the halftime "entertainment" was adequate at best. The funniest thing was that supposedly the Rolling Stones caused a minor controversy (I didn't really watch them) with two lyrics that the censors bleeped out. Next year I think the network might dig up Richie Valens, Buddy Holly, and the Big Bopper so they can have a halftime show that is both 30 years past relevance and guaranteed not to have anything controversial happen.

So until proven otherwise, I will assume that The Year of the Catheter has not been renewed for a second season. This is pretty troubling because I not only still have to find a permanent job, I also have at least one (possibly two) trips to Vegas coming up. I'm going to need all the luck I can get for both of those scenarios. Maybe I should start eating Lucky Charms.

Whatever happened to predictability?

2006-02-01T18:25:00.000-05:00

What a way to begin the day! My girlfriend turned on Good Goyim America this morning and as I returned from the shower, I was greeted with none other than Jodie "Stephanie Tanner" Sweetin doing an interview with Robin Roberts. It turns out that our favorite middle child has been battling a Crystal Meth addiction for some time. That puts her #1 in the rankings for Most Fucked Up Child Star from Full House. In case you were wondering, here is the official tote board:

1) Jodie Sweetin -- Crystal Meth Addiction
2) Candace Cameron -- Jesus Freak/Married to a Russian Hockey Player
3) Mary Kate Olsen -- Anorexia (suspected Coke head)
4) Ashley Olsen -- Will not return my phone calls
Tie 5,6) Those little freaks that played Alex and Nicky -- Possibly dead.
7) Kimmie Gibler -- Well adjusted member of society
8) Dwayne -- Whatever

Not in those words...Official Blog of The Super Bowl

2006-01-29T18:56:00.000-05:00

You know what really grinds my gears? All these ads having to use "the big game" instead of the Super Bowl. It is so dumb that Best Buy has to say "It will be delivered in time for the big game" rather than say what we all know they mean -- Superbowl Sunday. NFL people listen to me. Nobody thinks there is any endorsement, implied or otherwise, if a company uses the words "Super Bowl" in their ads. Stop being so stupid, assfaces.

Back to you, Tom.

Back on the Chain Gang (temporarily)

2006-01-24T18:29:00.000-05:00

Editor's Note:
The following was taken from my daily thoughts while filing "TPS reports" for the office where I am currently day laboring (temping).

I can already feel it. After less than a week on the job, the loathing and politics characteristic of so many a workplace have already revealed themselves, as if by osmosis. Do all the same stock characters come with every office? Is there some catalog where misery can be carefully selected by invoice number? Isn't office dysfunction the real reason I fled my last job like corporate greedsanity is a communicable disease? When you're in the shit, you're in full battle mode. 100 yard stare. Fight or flight. All that. Since I'm not really financially or emotionally vested in this place, I can see the score.

There is dissention in the ranks here. Corporate politics have reared their ugly head, even in a company set up to do so much good for the world. Evil is a powerful motherfucker. I can sense that there are major problems with the divisions between the classes that interfere with and perhaps completely handicap this organization's ability to function cohesively and accomplish all it can.

Looking up from the bottom of the lower class (the workers), I can see that my department is pretty efficient at what it does. After three days here, I feel as though I could handle any job in the place. Most of my platoon is content with what they are doing and handle their responsibilities quite well.

Enter management. A woman whom I've never dared to look directly at, for fear that the beast will somehow emit from her soul like tentacles and crush my will to live. In what has become my expectation of all managers, she, rather than running the department using common sense, logic, business acumen, and courteousness, lives in the typical Manager's Bubble, and has created a situation in which the staff not only dislikes her, but does not respect her either.

The manager's signature moves are standard. Calling a meeting for 1:00 and then sending someone down to say she needs another 15 minutes, before finally gracing the department with her presence at 1:45. This move, whether intentional or not (although the more often it occurs, the more intentional it seems), shows a complete lack of common courtesy and professionalism at the very least. At most, it is a passive-aggressive power play to somehow show that "my time is important and yours is not."

Another, more advanced move is undermining not only a subordinate's confidence and ability to perform their duties, but also any chance of them gaining valuable skills that could one day prove useful and allow them to get promoted. Rather than trusting the staff currently in place to handle an assignment they have already been spearheading and would like to continue with, the Manager has decided that "no, no, that would be giving you some power and I want it all to myself." The Manager is trying to bring in a consultant to perform the duties that are in the job description of a current staff member.

But I can't blame the Manager, as she is only a cog in the system. "I was only following orders" has become the American corporate mantra. The system is broken and if Manager wasn't there to fill that role someone else would be.

The company's culture didn't seem all that suspect until I (along with everyone else in the office) received an email that proved all jobs are the same. Since the internet connection is excruciatingly slow sometimes, rather than pony up the money to get a faster connection (however that can be done), the company decided that people were spending too much time doing personal things on the internet, such as shopping, looking for housing, and (gasp!) checking their personal email accounts.

I understand that people are there to work, not play on the internet, but there is a point at which the normal person can use his discretion. Everyone knows if he or she is spending too much time not working. Most people choose not to cross that line. But sometimes, management finds it necessary to end those little conveniences that make office life more pleasant. At my old job, they went so far as to start blocking websites that they deemed "inappropriate" without even informing anyone of the criteria. Luckily, I don't think the IT department at this company is that proficient.

But you know me. I can't complain.

In all actuality, I am almost living the dream right now. I have my own desk, computer, phone, and even a cubicle...with a window! I work normal hours. I don't have a long commute. I'm not treated like crap. I like the people I work with. I'm making ok money. And I'm doing something for the betterment of society. Aside from Neil Weisman moving in two days early, the only problem is that its all going to end quite soon.

When it does end, I'll tell you about some of the more funny things about the place.

The final anniversary of Roe v. Wade

2006-01-22T13:01:00.000-05:00

Today marks the 33rd anniversary of the Supreme Court's landmark decision in Roe v. Wade. In my estimation it will be the last time (or at least close to the last time) that the decision will stand. Unfortunately for any women in the "red" states, you will probably no longer be able to decide what happens in your own body. Even if having the baby is a threat to your own life.

The course of events that will lead up to the impending overruling of this decision were set into motion when George W. was re-elected. Ironically, Bin Laden just came out with a new mix tape to prove what a terrible President this jackass has been [remember Wanted: Dead or Alive? that was about 4.5 years ago]. Anyway, aside from his corruption, cronyism, awful foreign and domestic policies, the most dangerous thing this president has done is stock the Supreme Court with two more ultra conservative justices.

The thing about the presidency is that it will end. In 2008, there will be someone else at the helm of our ship (god help us if its Cunnilingus Rice or Hillary Clinton) and while W's terms have pretty much been a train wreck, most of what he's done can be fixed by the next president. Furthermore, since a president can't make or interpret the laws of the country, he can't really force all Americans to become born again Christians (for example [as I'm sure he'd like to do {if he actually is a born again and that wasn't just made up for political gain}]). The most potentially lasting and dangerous thing a president can do is appoint a Supreme Court Justice and unfortunately for those of use who believe in things like evolution and the separation of church and state, W has gotten to appoint two.

When the founding fathers of this country envisioned the Supreme Court, they believed that the Justices should not be encumbered by having to run for the office. The idea is that judges should not make decisions based on what is popular or politically advantageous to themselves. They should make their decisions based on the law and the evidence before them. What the founding fathers did not foresee is that due to the lifetime tenure of the Supreme Court Justice, a party in power can appoint idealogues or party shills to the post, rather than the best or most qualified judge in the land.

But, as a Constitutional scholar, I know that the president is under no obligation to appoint the best or most qualified judge in the land. A Supreme Court Justice does not have to be a judge at all. They don't even need to be lawyers. Bush could have appointed Brownie from the Hurricane Katrina disaster and America probably would have had to sit by and watch him get confirmed. This is why the nominations and subsequent confirmations of Roberts and Alito are so troubling.

Just last week, we got a taste of what the foreseeable future will hold under the Roberts Court. The Court blocked the Bush administration's attempt to punish Doctors in Oregon who help terminally ill patients die (Jesus said you have to suffer, silly!). The holding of the Court is not surprising, but what is telling are the justices who dissented in this ruling. I bet you could have guessed that they were Scalia, Thomas, and Roberts. When Alito gets confirmed, the religious right will have an automatic 4 Justice block of votes ready to rule for them. This is the tragedy of the George W. Bush presidency. And that, my friends, is saying a lot.

So this brings me back to Roe v. Wade. Ladies, get your abortions now, because all the Court will need to overturn that decision is one more vote (since you already know how Scalia, Roberts, Thomas, and Alito are voting) out of the remaining 5 Justices. And abortion is just the decision we know they want to overturn. Who knows what other decisions this voting block will make? But as the confirmation of Alito draws nearer and nearer, America takes one step further away from its democratic roots and one step closer to becoming a corporate theocracy.

You heard it here first

2006-01-21T16:19:00.000-05:00

Being a straight male, I really don't get the obsession with Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. I mean, who cares? Really.

But I think I have stumbled onto something. Something big. Seeing as Jolie is pregnant with Pitt's demonic seed, and she is probably about 3 months pregnant (according to some hastily done internet research), I have a theory.

The baby is the Antichrist. Think about it. Look for the birth of the devil child on June 6th of this year. In other words... 6/6/06.

Oh Lord Lucifer Pitt-Jolie, I am your humble servant.

A note to Mayor Nagin

2006-01-17T18:19:00.000-05:00

I'd keep your desire to establish new New Orleans as a "Chocolate" city on the d.l. Take it from a DC resident, if your city becomes any more chocolatey, you're likely to lose your congressional representation.

Top 10 Family Guy Characters

2006-01-17T12:38:00.000-05:00

I haven't done a Top 10 list in a while and I thought this one would be apropos. Family Guy is the funniest show on TV and since a show is only as good as its characters, I will now give you my top 10 favorites.

10) Jasper

Jasper is Brian's gay cousin who lives in LA and works at Club Med.

9) Death

First voiced by Norm McDonald and then Adam Carolla, death is usually a pretty funny guest star on the show.

8) Brian

Brian is a martini-drinking, Prius-driving dog who is often the only voice of sanity in the Griffin household.

7) Mort Goldman

Voiced by the famous Johnny Brennan of the Jerky Boys, Mort has a distinct similarity to Sol Goldberg. Mort is also pretty much afraid of everything.

6) Tom Tucker's upside down head son

He's usually not that funny, but the whole concept of being born with an upside down head is just hilarious to me.

5) Peter Griffin

If Homer Simpson was always at his dumbest, most offensive, and without conscience, you would get Peter Griffin.

4) Stewie Griffin

Stewie is best described as an evil, crotchety old man trapped in a baby's body. We're not really sure if anyone can understand him when he speaks (except Brian usually) or if he's gay.

3) Glenn Quagmire

Quahog's resident pervert, Quagmire is always good for innuendo and general sexual hilarity.

2) Herbert, the pedophile

Perhaps the creepiest character in TV history, Herbert has an unhealthy obsession with Chris Griffin. In one of Family Guy's funniest moments, Herbert sings "Somewhere that's green" from Little Shop of Horrors and imagines his perfect life with Chris.

1) Greased up naked deaf guy

A casualty of the demise of Happy Go Lucky Toy Company, we learn that he was a former lawyer, whose life has been ruined by cocaine.

Done and done

2006-01-14T19:28:00.000-05:00

Gregg Williams deserves every penny of the $8 million dollar deal he got a couple of weeks ago. Not until this week did a team totally expose the Redskins defense for what it is: a very good defense with a well below average front four. Williams was able to hide the collection of castoffs and second stringers with blitzes and stunts for the last two months, but Seattle showed the world why a team can't neglect a glaring need such as a pass rushing defensive end for 10 years. Matt Hasselback couldn't have had more time to throw the ball today. All the Redskins could muster was a pass rush about as effective as a typical game of "500."

The Skins simply must use their first draft pick on a defensive end. Of course, the Redskins were forced to waste their first round draft pick this year in order to move up and draft a quarterback who may never start in DC. So we're looking at the end of the second round, a territory where most of the stars like Kiwianuka (or however you spell it) will be long gone. Unfortunately, the Redskins also desperately need a second wide receiver. Preferably one who is taller than I am. So we could go that way with our first pick. And if history is any indication, we'll look at every other position than the one we need most: defensive end.

Even though I don't think the Redskins are good, I can't help but be disappointed in the effort shown in Seattle. When Shaun Alexander left the game, the score was 0-0. It might have been the best thing that could have happened for the Seahawks because Hasselback decided to throw the ball about 80% of the time from then on. With absolutely zero pass rush, he was able to connect with his receivers at will. Even with three turnovers by Seattle, the Skins could not take the lead because Seattle had no problem moving the ball. Without the NFL MVP.

This simply cannot continue to happen every year. Gibbs' teams in the 80's had Mann and Manley. These Redskins don't even have a guy who could hold Dexter Manley's coke vial. Either draft or sign a LEGITIMATE defensive end this season or we will not be a good team. And if we can make it to the second round of the playoffs with as flawed a team as we fielded this year, imagine what would happen if we had a pass rush.

Marion Barry is back on the white horse

2006-01-12T09:45:00.000-05:00

DC's former crackhead Mayor is at it again.

Sure, we gambled and had poutine, but...

2006-01-12T09:14:00.000-05:00

Why the F didn't I know about this when I was in college?

I wish I was Samoan

2006-01-11T21:41:00.000-05:00

I bet if I was Samoan, I'd have a job by now (or at least some kick-ass tattoos).

The Vomit Comet

2006-01-10T17:31:00.000-05:00

If there is one thing that's always funny, its farting. But if there is one other thing that is always funny, its vomit. You may not believe me, but I really don't watch that much tv during the day when I'm "looking for jobs." However, I do watch a lot of tv at night. What does this have to do with vomit? Well, in the past couple of days, I saw perhaps two of the most disturbing/disgusting/hilarious vomit television moments in history.

Moment #1

The show is called Intervention. Every week, they have two separate stories about addicts and then their families stage an intervention at the end of the show. Usually it is some crackhead or alcoholic, but this week one of the stories was about a bulemic. I can't really do it justice, but imagine this scenario. Bulemic and her fat husband go to an all you can eat pizza place, where they proceed to stuff their faces. Bulemic races home in order to get there before her husband so she can "call the dinosaurs." What she does next is genuinely unbelievable.

Bulemic goes into her walk in closet and pukes her entire meal into a one gallon zip lock bag. But wait, there's more. She then hides the bag behind her clothes. Why does she do this? She explains that she is afraid that the toilet will get backed up and she'll be found out. But wait, there's more. She waits a week before cleaning out the closet. The next time we see her, she's filling up a cardboard box with a week's worth of puke-filled, one gallon bags. She then takes this box to an open dumpster, where she disposes of the evidence.

I know what you're thinking. Now that's good tv!

Moment #2

I watched an old Viva La Bam, in which Dunn bets Bam that he can beat Bam in a car race. Dunn then calls in the reinforcements. The Bloodhound Gang shows up and steals Bam's Lamborghini. Dunn soups up a limo for the race, complete with nitrous. Bam eventually finds the Lambo and wins the race. Dunn claims that the engine blew, but I think it had to do with the fact that Don Vito was in the back of the limo, eating a 3 foot hoagie.

Anyway, as punishment for losing, Dunn was supposed to kiss Raab Himself at the bar they were hanging out at. Dunn said he wouldn't so that, so Bam told him he had to make him either laugh or puke in order to pay up on the bet. Dunn then gets some nasty ass woman to come over and suck on Don Vito's disgusting yellow toenail. Well, this was too much for Bam, who pukes right on Don Vito's foot. Jimmy Pop from the Bloodhound Gang follows suit. The show ends with a close up of Vito's nasty foot covered in puke.

Now, who wants dinner?

It Begins (again)

2006-01-09T14:55:00.000-05:00

Well, as I predicted, I didn't get that job with the company where the interviewer pulled the classic wait-a-long-time-to-get-back-to-me-so-I-have-the-chance-to-get-another-job-or-forget-about-this-one technique. Little did she know that I have so few options that I would not get another job or forget about that one in 3 weeks. I called there the day after she was supposed to get back to me, only to get the temp on the phone, who said she was away and she would call me back the next day. When that didn't happen, I called again during regular business hours and this time nobody picked up. Good times. Predictably, she emailed me later and said that she had gone with another person. No shit. She did say that I was her second choice, but I'm not sure I believe her. So its back to the drawing board. Except that I don't have a drawing board.

I needed to come up with a new plan. And fast. I randomly found some company on the internets that was having a career fair on Saturday and seeing as I had no plans other than watching the Redskins game at 4, I decided that I could take a shot at this job.

The fair was held at a hotel and much to my disappointment, unlike any other fair I've been to, did not have any carneys, funnel cake, or even a freak show. I had to go pretty early because I needed to stop at Kinko's to print out the application because my printer decided it doesn't want to acknowledge that it has paper in the tray. PC Load Letter? What the fuck does that mean?!?! So I'm there extra early and they tell me to go in this conference room to watch a presentation.

The conference room had about 80 chairs set up in front of a drop down screen that was connected to a laptop. There were probably about 5 people in the audience and much like school, nobody was sitting in the front. The woman at the front of the room was talking about the company while displaying a power point presentation. she kept talking about how much you could make and how the company promotes from within, and all the benefits of working there. I was quite taken aback, as I've only worked at places that tried to screw the empoyees. It was all very J.T. Marlinesque, except she never showed us the keys to her Ferrari. After she finished the presentation, some of the people were taken for their interviews. Due to the fact that I was so early, I got to sit there and see the presentation again later.

After about 45 minutes, someone finally came in to tell me it was time for my interview. I went upstairs and had an interview with 3 people from 2 different parts of the company. Finally, some respect for my overqualifications! It seemed like the company is looking to rapidly expand and judging from the looks of most of the people who I saw downstairs, I have to at least have a better than average shot at this one. I think the interview went decently, but who knows. I left and went to watch the Skins kick some Tampan ass.

Since they actually gave me business cards at the interview, I was going to email a thank you note to the interviewers the next day because thats what all the cool kids are doing these days. But my bloody fight to the death with god continues. In a fitting turn of events, my internets connection mysteriously stopped working for about a day and a half when I wanted to do this. I had to call the cable people and after about 30 minutes of tinkering with all the connections, it still wouldn't work. I had to schedule for a service guy to come here and see what was wrong. You may think I would have been so pissed that I would have a mild stroke over the matter, but I have come to expect such things. I laughed it off and tried to log on every once in a while. Luckily, it started working again late last night and I was able to conduct my business.

So wish me luck.

I Hate Static

2006-01-06T01:05:00.000-05:00

Of my arch enemies (i.e. luck, god, Boris, the Swiss, etc.) perhaps the one I hate the most is static cling. There is nothing worse than taking off your jacket and having your shirt or your shorts stick to your body like you were dressed as Freddie Mercury for Halloween. Back when I was younger, I would use this:

Static Guard is pretty damn good at what it does, namely, get rid of static. But these days, I have not been able to use what little money I have on such luxuries. For the same price as Static Guard, I could get approximately 73 packs of Ramen noodles, so I think you know which one I am going for, given the choice.

Luckily, girlfriend still has some disposable income. But I would not think of asking her to buy Static Guard. I resigned myself to just not wearing any of my clothes that were prone to getting staticy. That is, until I ran out of boxers and had to go with some mesh shorts, a prime target for static. So what was I to do? I had to think of something fast. I was either going to get rid of this damn static or go commando. What I found out might put the Static Guard company out of business (assuming it is not part of some huge conglomerate [which it most likely is]). The information I am about to give you should be guarded with your life, unless you feel like telling someone else. All in the name of ending the worldwide pandemic of static.

Febreze does the exact same thing as Static Guard (and smells lovely, to boot!).

If you can fill the unforgiving shorts
With Febreze and make static run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Put me in, Coach

2006-01-03T17:16:00.000-05:00

The Redskins extended defensive coordinator Gregg Williams' contract for another 3 years today. Great move. Without him, our defense would probably be pretty bad. The reason I mentioned this is because it seems like all of the crappy coaches in the league are getting fired this year. Norv Turner got the axe today. Hilarious. The other awful coaches who are now unemployed (just like me!) are Mike Martz of St. Louis, Jim Haslett of New Orleans, Mike Tice of Minnesota, Mike Sherman of Green Bay and Dom Capers of Houston.

Here's my question: now that Dennis Green is coahing in Arizona, who will be the token black coach that every team is required to interview? Art Shell?

Happy New Year's, bitches!

2006-01-02T13:59:00.000-05:00

Here we are, drwaing to the end of the Year of the Catheter (it ends at the Superbowl) and I have done a lot in these past months. I haven't really accomplished much, but I sure have done a lot. Here is a quick recap of 2005, a year in which I:

1) Won one quarter of the Superbowl "boxes" pool
2) Graduated Law School
3) Started a Blog
4) Drove a Hummer
5) Went backstage at a rock concert
6) Got 2nd place in my NCAA pool
7) Got 2nd place in my Fantasy Football League
8) Was an extra in 2 Major motion pictures
9) Went to the first baseball game in DC in decades
10) Caught 2 touchdowns in my touch football league
11) Auditioned to be on a Discovery Channel show
12) Went to Rafi Palmiero's first game back from his steroid suspension
13) Became Uneployed (officially)
14) Worked as a pool man
15) Became unemployed again
16) Ate at Ben's Chili Bowl for the first time
17) Was rejected from approximately 170 jobs
18) Got a dog

That is about all I can think of right now, but I'm sure I'll remember some more later.

**********************************************************

So the Redskins are in the playoffs for the first time since 1999. I don't count that because I was in college at the time and they weren't really any good (not that I think they are good now), so we're actually talking about the first time since 1992. Now, even though I don't think they are any good this year, they could beat anyone in the NFC playoffs (if they are reasonably healthy). This is a watershed moment in my life.

My question is this: what do people do when their team is in the playoffs? The Redskins haven't really been remotely good since I became an adult so I don't know what to do with myself next week. I think that people might go and watch the game at a bar or have little playoff watching parties at their houses, but I really couldn't tell you. I guess my tenative plan of attack is to go to our usual game-watching spot to view the game because its pretty fun there and there should be a good crowd. I can't even imagine what a win would feel like.

The real question is: Which Clinton Portis alter-ego will show up this week?

1. Jerome From Southeast

2. Dollah Bill

3. Sheriff Gonna Getcha

4. Reverend Gonna Change

5. Dr. "I Don't Know"

I'm hoping for Southeast Jerome.

I am one sexy bitch

2005-12-29T13:26:00.000-05:00

According to My Heritage.com, I am pretty damn good looking. They have this thing where you can upload your picture and the computer scans it and compares your face with its database of celebrities. So who did I get? My top matches were: for males -- Elvis Presley (61% match). For females -- Maria Sharapova (53% match). I guess that means that if Elvis and Maria Sharapova ever had a kid, it would look like me. So I got that going for me, which is nice.

Stay Tuned

2005-12-27T17:50:00.000-05:00

I'm sick of looking at that Christmas Post, but I have no real news to report on the job front. If I don't get something by the 1st, I have a plan in the works: Hungry for Work 2006. Lets hope it doesn't come to that.

Merry Fucking Christmas

2005-12-23T17:29:00.000-05:00

Well, as usual, when I put my life in the hands of others, they disappoint me. After going on a few interviews in the last couple of weeks, I actually had a call back of sorts with one company. The director told me that they would let me know by the end of the (this) week. Here I am a week later and down to a pittance in my bank account and still no word from them. I don't want to call because then I would likely lose the mirage of a possibility of a job and then I would likely spend Christmas playing Edward Jaeger Hands (instead of 40s, using Jaeger bottles), cutting myself, and watching vomit porn until I pass out. This, of course, would be pretty awkward because my girlfriend's 13 year old brother and their mom will be here.

So have yourself a merry fucking Christmas and remember: if you see those Salvation Army Bell Ringers do not, under ANY circumstances, make eye contact.

Cheers.

Golden Globe Preview

2005-12-20T15:08:00.000-05:00

Since I have nothing better to do today and I haven't posted in a while, I decided to make a Golden Globe Awards Preview post. Admittedly, I have never watched the Golden Globes, I probably haven't seen 95% of the movies nominated, and I absolutely hate awards shows. So this should be pretty accurate. So sit back, get your industrial sized popcorn, and enjoy the post.

1. BEST MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

a. BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
b. THE CONSTANT GARDENER
c. GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK
d. A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE
e. MATCH POINT

Ok, I haven't seen any of these and I have never even heard of 2 of them. Clearly not a good year for movies. I am suprised that Walk The Line didn't get nominated. Ray for rednecks got screwed. And for the record, I'm not ever going to see Brokeback Mountain. It isn't because I'm homophobic (who is scared of gay people). Its because I am so secure in my sexuality that I don't have to go see some crappy love story that I never would have seen if it was a straight couple just to prove that I am down with the butt pirates. All that being said, Brokeback Mountain still wins because I just have no idea about the others.

2. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

a. MARIA BELLO
A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE
b. FELICITY HUFFMAN
TRANSAMERICA
c. GWYNETH PALTROW
PROOF
d. CHARLIZE THERON
NORTH COUNTRY
e. ZIYI ZHANG
MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA

Easiest pick on the board. Charlize Theron made herself ugly to play this role, so she automatically wins. Its the male equivalent of playing a tard in a movie. And no, I didn't see any of these flicks.

3. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA

a. RUSSELL CROWE
CINDERELLA MAN
b. PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN
CAPOTE
c. TERRENCE HOWARD
HUSTLE & FLOW
d. HEATH LEDGER
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
e. DAVID STRATHAIRN
GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK

I really want to go with Philip Seymour Hoffman in this one, but the field is too strong. Since I didn't actually see any of these performances, I'm going to go with Heath Ledger to win because much like Chicago winning a ton of Oscars, Brokeback Mountain could ensure that the movie industry becomes even gayer in the next few years.

4. BEST MOTION PICTURE - MUSICAL OR COMEDY

a. MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS
Heyman Hoskins Prods.; The Weinstein Company
b. PRIDE & PREJUDICE
Working Title Prods.; Focus Features/StudioCanal
c. THE PRODUCERS
Brooksfilms; Universal Pictures/Columbia Pictures
d. THE SQUID AND THE WHALE
American Empirical/Peter Newman – Internal; Samuel Goldwyn Films/Sony Pictures Releasing International
e. WALK THE LINE
Twentieth Century Fox; Twentieth Century Fox

This category really pisses me off. First of all, there are no comedies represented. I know the producers is probably funny, but its a musical. And why does comedy have to share a category with musical? Making something that is truly funny is so much harder than, say, remaking King Kong for the third time, or making a musical into a movie. Anyway, enough of my rant. This is a tough call with The Producers and Walk The Line. I'm going with The Producers because it is a musical and a comedy. The funniest thing in Walk the Line was when I farted pretty loudly halfway through it.

5. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE - MUSICAL OR COMEDY

a. JUDI DENCH
MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS
b. KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
PRIDE & PREJUDICE
c. LAURA LINNEY
THE SQUID AND THE WHALE
d. SARAH JESSICA PARKER
THE FAMILY STONE
e. REESE WITHERSPOON
WALK THE LINE

This is an easy one also. We have the classic token British actress. We have a horseface. And then we have baboon face. Reese Witherspoon in a walk.

6. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE -MUSICAL OR COMEDY

a. PIERCE BROSNAN
THE MATADOR
b. JEFF DANIELS
THE SQUID AND THE WHALE
c. JOHNNY DEPP
CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY
d. NATHAN LANE
THE PRODUCERS
e. CILLIAN MURPHY
BREAKFAST ON PLUTO
f. JOAQUIN PHOENIX
WALK THE LINE

This is a tough one. So many names. I think that if The Producers is going to win best musical or comedy, then the voters will give this one to Joaquin Phoenix.

7. BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

a. KUNG FU HUSTLE (CHINA)
b. MASTER OF THE CRIMSON ARMOR aka THE PROMISE (CHINA)
c. JOYEUX NOEL (MERRY CHRISTMAS) (FRANCE)
d. PARADISE NOW (PALESTINE)
e. TSOTSI (SOUTH AFRICA)

I'm tempted to go with Kung Fu Hustle, but I don't think a kung fu movie would ever win an award, so I'm going with Tsotsi, in the hope that I hear that name as often as I heard Thoth. Thoth!

8. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

a. SCARLETT JOHANSSON
MATCH POINT
b. SHIRLEY MacLAINE
IN HER SHOES
c. FRANCES McDORMAND
NORTH COUNTRY
d. RACHEL WEISZ
THE CONSTANT GARDENER
e. MICHELLE WILLIAMS
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

Again, since I didn't actually see any of these films, I'm going to go with my instinct that voters like to shake it up with the supporting actress category. That is why I'm picking Rachel Weisz even though I don't even know who she is.

9. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

a. GEORGE CLOONEY
SYRIANA
b. MATT DILLON
CRASH
c. WILL FERRELL
THE PRODUCERS
d. PAUL GIAMATTI
CINDERELLA MAN
e. BOB HOSKINS
MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS

As much as I'd love to see Will Ferrell win this award and as much as I think Paul Giamatti might get it because he didn't get anything for Sideways, I'm going with Clooney. I actually did see Crash, but I didn't even remember that Matt Dillon was in it until just now.

10. BEST DIRECTOR - MOTION PICTURE

a. WOODY ALLEN
MATCH POINT
b. GEORGE CLOONEY
GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK
c. PETER JACKSON
KING KONG
d. ANG LEE
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
e. FERNANDO MEIRELLES
THE CONSTANT GARDENER
f. STEVEN SPIELBERG
MUNICH

There's no way Clooney wins for directing, right? That puts Ang Lee, Peter Jackson, and Spielberg in a tight race for this one. Voters usually like to give one film a ton of awards and I think that is going to be Brokeback Mountain this year. So Ang Lee, practice your acceptance speech.

Those are about all the awards that people care about and I don't feel like writing any more, so thats all folks.

Yahoo Fantasy Profile

2005-12-17T13:08:00.000-05:00

The J-Man told me about this last night and I had to check it out. You can see every fantasy team you ever had on Yahoo in your Fantasy Profile page. There is even a trophy case! Here is a list of some of the names of my teams.

Thug Life
The Olsen Twins
Fish on Head
Mr. Furley
The Wobbley A's
Wet Like a Peach
Juwanna Mann
Frankencoby
Get off the shed!
Wet Burritos
Jesse and the Rippers
Shamgod Wells
The UNlucky Pierres
Dirty Sams
The Crips
I had sex with your wife
Napolean in Rags
Kitichai Kongtong
Blanket Jackson
Project X
Special Ed -- Yaaaaaaaay!
Your mom goes to college

I am clearly disturbed.

Getting a Job

2005-12-15T23:49:00.000-05:00

After recently applying for my 183rd job, I decided to get a little help from the source of all things good and true: the internet(s). When I typed "how to find a job" into the Yahoo search engine, the first page that came up was "THE 50 cent HOW TO GET A JOB LECTURE OR EMPLOYERS HIRE PEOPLE THEY LIKE WHO THEY BELIEVE WILL FIT INTO THEIR ORGANIZATION." First of all, dude, stop screaming at me. Secondly, what does 50 Cent know about getting a job? Reading on, I learned that unfortunately, this site has nothing to do with Curtis Jackson (if that is Fiddy's real name). What follows are some highlights from this site and my reactions to them. Enjoy.

Suggestion #1:
KEEP A LOG

* Dates
* Places You Go
* Names of the People You Meet
* Impressions-What Happened?

Done and done. And I mean done. We're 183 jobs into the log. It ain't helping.

Suggestion #2:
Humans are afraid of people they do not know and humans take care of their buddies. It has been suggested that as many as 7 out 10 positions are filled through personal contacts. The better the job and the better the pay, the greater the chance it will be offered through a personal contact. If this is true, job seekers would be wise to make a list of every person they know and contact them for assistance finding a job.

With the exception of the J-man, why haven't you assholes found me a job yet??!?! This is clearly your fault. And after all I've done for you (probably nothing). For shame. For shame.

Suggestion #3:
Be aware of your appearance. Extremely beautiful people, with charming personalities who smell good, are well groomed and neatly dressed, have little trouble getting job offers. The rest of us should look in the mirror or ask someone we trust for an honest opinion of the image we are projecting. We can determine what outfit to wear by looking at what other employees wear to work. Would not jeans be more appropriate than a blue suit if applying for work on a farm?

Are you calling me ugly? Fuck you, asshole. I may not "smell attractive" or "wash my underwear" or "wear socks" or "fully chew my food" or "refrain from masturbating during an interview" or "make eye contact" or "show up sober" when I go to a potential employer, but that doesn't mean that I'm not qualified.

Suggestion #5:
How we fill out an application is as important as the information we put down. We must follow directions, be neat, complete and avoid spelling errors. The complete application is a reflection of how we deal with paper.

If you are too dumb to fucking fill out an application properly, you are too dumb to figure out the internet(s), so this one is pretty superfluous.

And finally...

Suggestion #6:
A short thank you note reminds the employer that we have applied for a job. We can express appreciation for the courtesy of an interview and confirm that we are interested in the position. If we do not hear from the employer within a reasonable period of time, we can always stop by and remind the employer we are still interested. You can say something like, "Just stopped by to say hello. I know you are busy. I do not want to be a pest, but I do not want you to forget me." If you really want the job, you can continue to make follow-up contacts until the employer hires you or tells you clearly that you are not being considered.

Or until they get security to escort you out of the building using "any means necessary" and leaving you in a crumpled, sobbing heap on the sidewalk with a rope belt, urine-soaked pants, and a half-finished bottle of Wild Irish Rose in your angry fist (not that that's ever happened to me).

So, as you can tell, I am getting pretty frustrated with this whole "working" situation. If not for selling textbooks on the internet, being an assistant swimming pool technician, winning money playing internet poker, and being an extra in movies, I'd be in deep dung right now. As it is, I am pretty fucked. If I don't get a job by New Year's, I'm seriously going to start hanging out at those day laborer stands.

I know a secret...

2005-12-13T12:53:00.000-05:00

If you act now, you can own a home in North Bethesda with its very own slave quarters. Yes, the cabin pictured above was the former home of Josiah Henson -- the slave whose 1849 autobiography was the model for Harriet Beecher Stowe's classic novel (and hair band Warrant's early 90's hit), "Uncle Tom's Cabin."

So what would you expect to pay for a house like this? Granted, a personal slave quarters is priceless, but this house is just an example of the rediculous real estate prices around here. Any guesses?

It is listed at $990,000.

Random Sports News

2005-12-08T12:36:00.000-05:00

I can already hear the collective groan coming from my female readers (if I have any). Yes, two sports posts in a row. Don't worry, once I get this one out of my system, I'll dispense with the dick and fart jokes post haste. But there are a few things I want to say. So, as the great Tyrone Biggums said, "If there is hate in your heart, let it out!"

The first item is actually not a sarcastic, hate filled rant about anything. I am actually psyched about a trade that one of my teams made. That's right. The Nationals traded for Alphonso Soriano, only the best second baseman in the game. And I'd like to put my catheter of approval on this move by giving him his nickname (I don't know if anyone has done this yet, so indulge me. Henceforth, Soriano will be known as:
The Fonz!
I realize that this is the same nickname I may or may not have given LaPhonso Ellis, but he's clearly not using it right now. So blow me.

Speaking of the trends I started and the NBA, David Stern is trying to legislate long shorts out of the game by fining players who don't comply with the official league shorts length requirements. Yes, there is such a thing. I actually had a poster that detailed the NBA dress code until my dog made mince meat out of it. By the way, what the hell is mince meat? Stern is out of control. He's becoming an old racist Jewish grandfather. First it was the suit requirement off the court (which I understand, but don't like), then its this. Mr. Stern, I hope you are not trying to go back to the early 80's style (when nobody watched the NBA, I might add), because nobody wants to see this.

In other NBA news, I did a random Yahoo fantasy league and my team is off to a slow start. However, Boris Diaw could be the best player in the league. Look at this stat line from his past 5 games:

Pts. Reb. Asst. Blocks Steals
17 8 6 1 3
15 3 9 0 1
14 4 9 4 1
8 8 13 3 1
10 10 5 0 0

The 15 Commandments

2005-12-07T15:00:00.000-05:00

I have been participating in fantasy football since high school and since I have never actually won a fantasy football league, this has made me kind of an expert on what not to do during the draft. Of course, usually the knowledge I gain during the course of the season is promptly forgotten about a nanosecond after the Superbowl. So this year, in an attempt to remember some of these pieces of information (and give all of my opponents a look into my drafting strategy), I am writing it down. Hopefully, everyone I play against will forget about this post come August. And now, onto Catheter Man's Rules for Drafting a Fantasy Football Team*.

*Rules only apply to non-keeper leagues. Void where prohibited.

1) Know the scoring rules of your league. It sounds simple, but there are often quirks that make certain positions more (or less) valuable than you might think.

1a) You need at least 2 can't miss running backs. If this means drafting both in the first two rounds, so be it.

2) Take proven veteran wide receivers on stable teams with veteran quarterbacks and good offensive lines.

3) Take a quarterback who has been in the same offense for at least 2 years, with good people around him. Especially offensive line.

4) Don't take any players on a team with a terrible offensive line.

5) Wait on a tight end. They are too unpredictable.

6) Wait on a defense. They are the hardest to predict and don't really vary that much from each other.

7) Wait on a kicker. Same thing applies as above.

8) When in doubt, take the player who has proven he can score in the NFL.

9) Know your coaches (i.e. stay away from Mike Tice's or Mike Shanahan's running backs unless you have no choice).

10) Rookie running backs are risky. Typically only one has a good year.

11) Know who your opponents have picked, especially in the first two rounds.

12) Know your bye week issues and plan for them.

14) When it comes to running backs, back up, back up, back up. You will have injuries.

15) When naming your team it is of the utmost importance (and I can't stress this enough) that you choose either a slang term for some deviant sexual act or a reference to a Will Ferrell movie, character, or skit. This is not negotiable.

March of the Jackasses

2005-12-05T18:02:00.000-05:00

The first snowstorm of the year is currently in progress here in DC and as always, the Jackasses are out in force at the supermarkets panicking and buying up all the milk and bread. First of all, we are only going to get a few inches, not a few feet. Anyone who can't live without milk and/or bread for as long as one whole day is a fucking moron.

Ramblings

2005-12-02T16:07:00.000-05:00

Rambling time, rambling time, across the USA. Rambling time, Rambling time. Hey Hey!

-- If I had a secret time machine, along with investing all my money in Microsoft, I'd go back to the 50's and play college basketball. I'd be the original White Chocolate. I had a friend who lived in South Africa in high school and they thought he invented the behind the back pass.

-- I recently called the Sprint customer service line and I was clearly talking to someone in Bombay. That really pissed me off. I said I wanted to know my password, not order Lamb Vindaloo!

-- Have you seen these commercials for this new drug to help people with "Restless Leg Disorder"? Are you fucking kidding me? Now people who bounce their knee when sitting have a disorder? The drug companies must be stopped.

-- Anyone who knows me knows I hate talking on the phone. I think I realized why. Over at least the last three years I think I have gotten only one piece of good news over the phone: I was accepted to one of the law reviews at my school. And that wasn't even great news because it was a pretty terrible experience.

-- I don't know what is more pathetic: the fact that I still play video games or the fact that my PS2 broke, so now I'm playing Madden 2000 on the PS1, where Kimble Anders is gaining waaaaay too many yards on me.

-- Maruchen Ramen have the better noodle quality, while Top Ramen have the better flavors.

-- I just saw the movie Fever Pitch for the first time and it was ok (in the I've kind of had a crush on Drew Barrymore since I was five even though she is a grown woman and still has a lisp way).

-- The new King Kong movie has hit the trifecta of reasons to make me not want to see a movie: 1) Its a remake, 2) It is being completely overhyped, and 3) There is extensive CGI involved.

-- I might jinx it right here, but I've made it through the entire NFL season without actually watching that Tim McGraw Week in Review crap on Monday Night Football. I have had a few close calls where I almost forgot to change the channel, but I think I could go 16-0.

-- Don't you think the Spanish Channel should have English subtitles?

-- Is weird Al Yankovic still doing albums? Because I really want him to do a parody of Jesus Walks about Beavis and Butthead. I know, the tv show reference is a tad dated, but Beavis Walks is too good to pass up. weird Al might even be able to get into a Coolio style feud with Kanye West.

Hubble Bubble

2005-12-01T15:53:00.000-05:00

The Hubble Space Telescope recently took a picture of a Crab Nebula. Apparently, this star exploded some time ago, leading to the invasion of Earth by the....

Crab People!

Crab People... Crab People... Taste like crab, talk like people.

I'm so cool

2005-11-30T18:27:00.000-05:00

As some of you may know, the current rule of the idiotic celebrity worship culture states that the bigger the sunglasses, the cooler you are. Its only a matter of time before some sort of Olsen/Hilton/Simpson starts wearing these:

10 year Reunion: Everybody Chung Wang Tonight

2005-11-27T18:12:00.000-05:00

Has it really been 10 years? It seems like at least twice that long since I graced the halls of my suburban high school. I remember at the time thinking that I couldn't wait to get the hell out of the area, yet here I am 10 years later, much better educated and almost ready to give up on finally getting that dream job. Since I really didn't like most of the people in my high school class (amongst other reasons), I decided it would be best to attend Thanksgiving dinner at my girlfriend's parents' place up in New Jersey, where I could get the added bonus of attending her 10 year reunion.

My girlfriend grew up in a full-fledged New Jersey "town" (I used to hate when college classmates from New Jersey would ask what town I grew up in. I used to say. "I didn't. I grew up in a city"). Anyway, being that this is a town, there are basically only two bars: one where all the teachers hang out (again, I think this is a New Jersey thing) and another that is a combination sports bar and cheesy club. Her reunion was held at the latter.

When we arrived at the bar, we went upstairs where she had to sign in and get her name tag. The class officers from her senior year manned the sign in table and issued her a name tag with her senior picture on it. We then went up to the bar for what was supposed to be 2 hours of "open bar." For an added bonus, the DJ was playing only music from 1994-5. I haven't heard this much Soul Asylum since last year's NBA playoffs.

I decided to start it out slow (with a little Bella Fleck) and get a Captain and Coke because I had not eaten anything for dinner. Soon thereafter, I wanted to see what there was to eat at this little shindig. To my (skyrockets in flight, afternoon) delight, we had an assortment of stuffed mushrooms, chicken fingers, fried shrimp, steamed dumplings, and a few other finger foods. Mmmmmmmmmm. Bar food.

Once I had my fill of fried foods, I decided that I needed to take advantage of the open bar. I went right up and ordered a Ketel One dirty martini. For some reason, the bartender said that they were not allowed to give out martinis. So I asked for Ketel One on the rocks. For some other reason, they were able to fulfill that request. Now, keep in mind I am in a situation where I only know my girlfriend, one or two of her friends, one guy from college that I was never really friends with (but we make small talk anyway), two boners (if you knew them, you'd say they were boners also) from college, and a girl one of my friends "accidentally" tried to fuck in the ass in the attic of Fiji during the first week of our freshman year. Need alcohol. I was going to have to try harder to get saucy.

At this point in the night I went back to the snack table and chowed down again while my girlfriend talked to some people I didn't know. When I met up with her, we went and talked with a girl who we met up with on our Vegas vacation a couple of years ago. We happened to be standing at the bar where the planners of the reunion had stashed the pictures of all the people who did not RSVP to the party in case they showed up. Just then, I had the brilliant idea of "becoming" one of the people in girlfriend's senior class. But who would be the funniest? A black guy. Unfortunately, girlfriend's high school had even fewer black guys than my high school. So I was forced to become Indian. Dots, not feathers. From now on, my name would be Abey Thomas.

After another round of Ketel One on the rocks, I settled into my position of hanging out with girlfriend while she talked to people she had not seen in 10 years. I thought the night could not get any better when up walked Chung Wang. That's right, Chung Wang. This was a guy who was way too excited for the reunion on the evite, so of course, I couldn't wait to see him at the party. He recognized girlfriend and they got to talking. Upon hearing that we live in DC, he said "I love the Metro!" He also said that in high school he was "dorktacular" and that, not suprisingly, he is now a software engineer. The man was clearly happy to be back, showing all those Zabkas who had teased him how successful he is now. But, boy does he need to get laid.

After Chung Wang, I needed another drink. So I went up to the bar and tried to get another Ketel One on the rocks. Unfortunately, I went to a different bartender who told me that she couldn't do that. So I went with the old Ketel One and tonic. A far cry from the martini I originally wanted, but what the hell? When in Rome.

After a few more meetings with girlfriend's high school cohorts (including a lesbian mouse), it became clear that Abey Thomas, while actually looking nothing like me (he had a moustache in high school), looked enough like me for people to have to do double takes after seeing the picture. High comedy. I suggest you try it. One girl came by when I was hanging out with another "plus one" and asked if we were from the class of 95. It really was all I could do to hold back my overwhelming desire to say, "Didn't we fuck?" Her boyfriend looked kind of big and ornery anyway.

After the open bar ended, the class officers said that it would be open until the money ran out. I'm really not sure what that even means, but I was ready to get out of there. After the party, we were planning on ending the night where every self-respecting Jerseyite ends their night: in a diner.

Fortunately for me, a couple of days earlier, I had been to two different diners in the same day, so I knew exactly what to look for on the menu. Unfortunately, one of the people in the part did not know how to properly order at the diner. He ordered the Maryland crab chowder...at a diner...in New Jersey. I think he was expecting a red soup because he was silghtly horrified when a cream of crab soup came out. He asked if it was the crab soup and the waitress said, "I'm sorry hon. It looked a little watery when I came in today. I can take it back if you want." He promptly exchanged it for the French onion soup (or should I say the Freedom Onion Soup)?

I, on the other hand, knew exactly what to order. I have a new late night diner staple: Waffle with vanilla ice cream. It could be the best late night snack ever. You get the waffley goodness with the ice cream dankstinia. Oh god, I want one right now. So we finished our meal while the girls talked about a bunch of people I have never heard of and then it was time to finally go home.

I would have to say that the reunion was a rousing success. A good time was had by all (especially Chung Wang) and I was able to eat my new traditional late night meal of waffle and ice cream. Who knows? In 10 years, maybe I'll even show up for my own reunion. Naaaaaaaahhhh.

Spreading the word

2005-11-21T15:25:00.000-05:00

Interesting stats:
Number of hits on my site from the keyword "Fire Lloyd Carr": 36
Number of hits on my site from the keyword "Joaquin Phoenix's cleft palate": 1
Number of hits on my site from the keyword "Reese Witherspoon's baboon face": 0

Just something to think about.

Fire Lloyd Carr Now!

2005-11-19T16:21:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to increase the number of times this phrase is on the internet. Fire Lloyd Carr. He's a terrible coach.

G(Q)'s up, Ho's down

2005-11-17T15:50:00.000-05:00

GQ magazine, a publication I might have read twice in my life, has named Jennifer Aniston its first ever Woman of the Year. Why? Has someone ever gotten more consistent press for doing so little? Yes, she's actually in a movie this year, but beyond that has she done anything since being on a mildly amusing (yet incomprehensibly popular) sitcom? I dare say not. Oh, she was married to Brad Pitt, who himself hasn't done anything of significance since Fight Club. This, apparently, is enough to be on the cover every stupid supermarket tabloid magazine for the last three years. Which brings me to my theory: Women want to fuck Jennifer Aniston more than men. Can anything else explain their obsession?

And in case you haven't heard it yet, here is a link to the infamous 7th Floor Crew song allegedly done by some University of Miami football players a couple of years ago. Its actually pretty good.

The Best Commercial in years

2005-11-17T11:56:00.000-05:00

Taco Town!

Battle Royale: one crazy ass movie

2005-11-16T14:01:00.000-05:00

As I mentioned in my previous post, one of the other extras told me that he just saw a Japanese movie that he really liked (and that he got on Netflix, to boot). Once he told me the plot of the movie, I knew I had to see it. So, after I forgot the name of the movie, I did a little google researching of the key words in the plot and eventually found out it was called Battle Royale (or, in Japanese, Batoru Rowaiaru).

The movie was made in 2000 by famed Japanese director Kinji Fukasaku and the plot goes something like this: It is the dawn of the new millennium and the Japanese economy has gone to shit. With 15% unemployment, the school age children have grown to distrust the government and adults in general. Approximately 800,000 have boycotted going to school altogether.

So the government passes a law that says one class per month (I think) (i.e. 9th grade in, say, Wheaton High School), chosen by a random lottery, is taken to an island where they will have three days to have a no holds barred fight to the death to see which student "wins" and gets to go back to society. I'm not really sure why this tactic is supposed to make the students want to go back to class, but who cares? Sound awesome? It gets better.

The movie follows some 9th grade class of about 40 students. They are told they are going on a field trip and while they are on the bus, they are gassed and taken to the island. Once they are there, they are greeted by their former teacher, played by the guy who plays Vic Romano on Most Extreme Elimination Challenge.

He shows them a video that outlines the rules of the game. First, only one person can leave. If there is more than one person left after 3 days, they all will be killed. How do they know who is left? All the kids are fitted with collars that monitor their pulse, movement, and will explode if they try and remove them. Every six hours, announcements are made with the names of the dead and the "danger zones" on the map. If the kids are caught lingering too long in a danger zone, their collar will explode. Each kid gets a pack of supplies with food, water, a map of the island, a compass, a flashlight, and a weapon. The weapons are completely random and range from a machine gun to binoculars. And finally, in addition to the normal class, two delinquents who volunteered to go to the island will also be participating. With that, the game begins.

I have to say that I enjoyed this movie, but I kept wondering if it could have been a lot better if it was made in the U.S. Although, if someone ever made a movie like this in the U.S. they would get castrated by the Christian Right. Being that it was a Japanese movie, I allowed for the weird music choices and sometimes cheesy dialogue. All in all, I have to give Battle Royale 4 Catheters Up. I highly recommend it if you like violence and Asians (who doesn't?).

Catheter Man: Major F'ing Star (part deux)

2005-11-13T20:11:00.000-05:00

Today I got to be part of my second major motion picture. The Vanishing, a quasi-remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, starring Nicole Kidman was filming downtown and yours truly got the call to be an extra again.

We were supposed to meet at RFK Stadium at 9:30 am, where we would be transported to the super secret filming location. So girlfriend offered to take me rather than having to take the Metro. We loaded Takoma into the car and headed towards crack-ville. When we got to RFK, I was looking around for a parking lot with people in it. As we drove around the stadium, it became clear that none of the lots directly next to the stadium were the correct one. I really should have read that e-mail more carefully.

We drove all the way around the stadium once and just as we got back to the front entrance, Takoma promptly puked in the back seat. Good times. So now we're driving around looking for a lot that isn't there with the smell of dog puke wofting from behind us. We stopped so that we (girlfriend) could clean up the puke and I could try and figure out what to do next. Luckily, some woman also was kind of lost, but at least she knew that we were supposed to go to Lot 7.

Once Takoma's breakfast was swept off of the seat, we headed out around the stadium again to try and get to Lot 7. What nobody tells you (or erects a sign to tell you) is that Lot 7 is not really visible from the stadium. We missed the exit for it and then had to drive all the way around the stadium again to get back to it. I finally got to Lot 7 at about 9:40, about 10 minutes late. I then signed in and boarded a school bus where I was transported to the L'Enfant Plaza area to the tents.

At the tent area, I went over to wardrobe, where they told me that what I had on was fine. I went back inside to try and find some breakfast. At my old job I learned that whenever you are part of a project that involves entertainment industry union members, it will be catered. I found the last of the hot breakfast and got a small helping of eggs, hash browns (Hardee's style, not my favorite), and sausage (patty, not link). This is a dangerous combination, seeing as I potentially would not be near a bathroom for the rest of the day, but I also might not eat the rest of the day, so I had to take my chances.

I went and ate my food and then waited. It was about 10:30 by then and there was nothing better to do, so I just sat down. I talked with a couple of the other extras and learned of a cool-sounding Japanese movie that I will be renting from Netflix and possibly reviewing on the site. I also learned that the Ivy League "only say the location and not the name of your college when asked" rule also applies to other schools. The guy next to me said he went to school "in Durham." Since I thought this was slightly rediculous, I just said, "So, Duke?" Of course. I think the next time someone asks me where I went to school, I'm going to say: "in Ann Arbor."

Then I noticed another table of food near where we were sitting. Two words: Krispy Kreme. Obviously, I had to get me some of that. So I had a glazed donut and then waited. And then waited. Intermittently, they would call certain groups to go to the set, but the blue group (of which I was a proud member), was not called until a little after noon.

We finally boarded the busses to go to the set, which we learned would not be Georgetown (where we assumed we would be), but in the Federal Triangle area across from the Old Post Office Pavillion. We were the first group of extras there, so I thought we might get a pretty good position. They had us line up in front of some building where they were supposed to be giving out flu shots or something, but in reality the shots turn you into a snatcher. I got a spot right in front of this table where there were nurses, right in front of the building. Sweet! And then we waited.

In about 30 more minutes, they brought a bunch of other extras in and had then fill up the line in between the table where I was and the entrance to the building. They were trying to make the line look really full. Then the bad news came. We had to back up really far because when the camera started rolling, we would have to move forward in line. Now I was standing way far back behind the fake news van, so I'll probably only be seen in a very wide shot (look for the white guy in the red shirt the right of the news van.) Unfortunately, I did not see any stars that I recognized, but I did get to see Nicole Kidman's stand-in. So I got that going for me, which is nice.

We did a bunch of different camera angles of the same scene. Since they were filming, they had the street blocked off. That, however, did not prevent the best part of the day from happening. Two old people, who I can only assume were from Kazakhstan, wandered onto the set and asked me what was going on. I said they were filming a movie. The woman said she didn't understand. I pointed out the camera and told her we were filimg a movie again. She then inquired, "So you are waiting to see someone in-ter-es-ting?" (because we were in a big line). I said, "No, we are extras in the movie." She then said in an accent exactly like Borat's, "In my country, we say they need people to be the bushes." I laughed at her (but she thought it was with her) and with that, the Kazakh couple went on their way and we were back to filming, standing, and waiting.

We finished filming around 3:30 and they took some of the extras and bussed them to another location. The rest of us were told to go across the street and wait for the busses to come back. So we waited. And then we waited. And then we waited some more. About 30 minutes into it, people were starting to get pissed. One crazy lady who looked kind of like a combination of Anne Ramsey and a Peking Duck was definitely about to snap. About 45 minutes into it, people were calling the production company and trying to find out what was going on. About 50 minutes into our wait, a random school bus went by and Peking Ramsey tried to flag it down. A guy on crutches hailed a cab and was about to get in, when the busses finally arrived -- over an hour later. Peking Ramsey was so excited she made some sort of noise that I can't even begin to do justice to if I tried to explain it. But it was kind of like the noise that those arab women make whenever a jew dies.

We got back to the tent area and all I wanted to do is sit down, eat, and leave. Well, take a piss, sit down, eat, and leave. So I took a piss and then tried to find some food. I didn't really want anything heavy, so I just settled on pasta salad, cole slaw, and some of that iced cream the kids have been talking about. I sat down and ate and then got in the line to get signed out (I gotta make them ends). I finally signed out and headed back to the Metro.

Before I got to the Metro, I assumed that I would have to buy a pass with my credit card because I only had $1.35 on me at the time (being poor sucks). In a giant stroke of luck, the fare to my stop was exactly $1.35. The perfect end to a somewhat enjoyable day. Ahhh, getting paid to stand around and do nothing. Now I know what is feels like to work for the government. Sha-ZANG!

So the bottom line is: the movie looks like it could be interesting, but not that great in a Manchurian Candidate remake kind of way. There is probably about a 1% chance of me actually being visible in it. The waiting in this one was much worse than the heat in the last one. And I banged Peking Ramsey in a port-o-potty.

Seacrest out!

Its gotta be the shoes

2005-11-11T23:32:00.000-05:00

I am launching a campaign (not doing anything and hoping something happens) to become the first blogger with an endorsement deal from a major (or minor) shoe company. If you are a sneaker executive and you want to have your product endorsed by a blogger with mad street cred and as many as 12 loyal readers, feel free to contact me at catheterman@hotmail.com.

In fact, I will sell out to any company. Just offer me something and I will do it.

Correction. Pat Robertson: World's Biggest Douche

2005-11-10T18:31:00.000-05:00

This link is for an article that says Pat Robertson is telling residents of Dover, PA not to turn to god if there is a disaster in their town because they voted out ignorant, mouth-breathing, neanderthal school board members who wanted to introduce "intelligent" design into high school science classes. The joke is on you, dickhole. There is no such thing as god. And school science class is neither the time nor the place to promote your idiotic religion.

Bud Selig: World's Biggest Douche

2005-11-09T22:21:00.000-05:00

This link is an article which says that instead of choosing an ownership group for the Washington Nationals, Bud Selig and the rest of the owners will just sit around with their thumbs up their asses while the organization gets stripped of the current front office personnel, piece by piece. You, sir, deserve an abortion courtesy of Edward Scissorhands. Worst "Commissioner" Ever.

Korean Rap

2005-11-06T18:44:00.000-05:00

If by chance I have any closet Korean readers, please let me know how I can get my hands (or ears) on a copy of "Come Back Home" by the Taiji Boys. Thank you.

And we're BACK!

2005-11-04T17:38:00.000-05:00

With the end of the pool season rapidly approaching, my temporary, albeit memorable tenure as a pool technician has come to an end. As a result, I will most likely be back to my bitter, unemployable, daily posting self in a matter of days.

As for now, I just checked Ye Olde Keyword Analysis and there are some doozies. Check these out:

Clayton Biggsby Video Download
Camp Colorwar Themes
LSU & Thunderstruck
Deron Williams Daughter
George Benson Jehovas Witness
Deron Williams Wife
Mr. Peebles
Wife Deron Williams
Catheter Play
Udonis Haslem's Personal Life [my favorite]
How Do You Pronounce Domanick Davis

Who knew there was so much interest about Deron Williams' family? And who the fuck is looking up Mr. Peebles?

You are some sick, twisted freaks. And I love you for it.

Peace out, Napolean.

Ween

2005-11-01T20:00:00.000-05:00

I have often said that Halloween is my most religious holiday. I mean, what other holiday encourages dressing up like an idiot (or, a slut if you are a girl), getting drunk, and taking pictures of and with strangers? People are always happy and will come up and talk to you even though you are the three creepy old guys drinking alone in the corner.

This year, my friends and I went with the group costume. Its much easier if one person thinks of an idea and the others can do something related to it. We decided to go as the Balco Boys. I was Palmeiro, Ike was McGwire, and Jeff was Giambi. We all had hats, jerseys, and most importantly: muscle shirts (that made us look like we had muscles). Unfortunately, we didn't have a black friend to play Barry Bonds, so if you are black and would like to be our friend, we are taking applications.

We started out the night at a house party of one of Ike's coworkers and then made our way to the bars. I was psyched to take as many pictures as possible, but after the second one, my camera said that it was low on battery power (even though I charged it all day). Fucking Sony. Anyway, I was still able to take a bunch of pictures. Here are some of the best.

This guy was part of a large contingent of Cobra Kai members. He was the fat, balding Cobra Kai member who wasn't in the movie. I'm guessing the over/under on the number of times this group heard either: "SWEEP THE LEG!" or "PUT HIM IN A BODY BAG!" was about 138. Hell, I heard it twice.

As you can see, the group costume was all the rage this year. This group of girls went as the Average Joes from the movie Dodgeball. Crappy movie, decent costume.

These two get the award for the creepiest costumes of the night. On the left, we have Robin. Robin. Who the fuck wants to go as Robin? I think it might even be worse if it was part of a Batman and Robin group costume. On the right is some sort of Chiquita Banana woman who is holding up a mysterious red pill. I'm about 75% sure that I didn't take it because I remember the rest of the night.

Fook Mi? Fook Yu!

Here we have my buddy Jeff in his Giambi Roids costume with a guy wearing the best costume ever! My favorite part is how happy Jeff is that he's standing next to Dirty Sanchez.

I'd like to fill her cup up to the line with my slime. Actually, I wouldn't.

And what would Halloween be without a child molester?

Jeff with Asian Elvis.

Dis bloke gets mad respeck fo pimpin like my main man, Ali G.

And of course, the most important late night stop: Julia's Empanadas.

Foosball

2005-10-30T09:20:00.000-05:00

These football picks are not all that much fun, so here's the quick and dirty list again. My record in the NFL this year is (45-53-2). Not too impressive. But the news isn't all bad. I have some great Halloween pics from last night that I will be posting later. So look forward to that. As for now, here are the football pics.

Washington (+2)
Cincy (-8)
Chicago (+3)
Carolina (-8)
Oakland (-1.5) *****lock of the week*******
Arizona (+9)
Cleveland (+2)
New Orleans (-2)
Jacksonville (-3.5)
K.C. (+6)
San Fran (+11)
Denver (-3.5)
New England (-8)
Pittsburgh (-9)

My name is Catheter Man

2005-10-24T19:43:00.000-04:00

Someone told me Friday that Earl, the main character from My Name is Earl, reminds him of me. I'm not sure what to make of that.

Touchdown, Catheter Man

2005-10-23T21:50:00.000-04:00

All my life I have wanted to score a touchdown in something other than a pickup football game. I have always had great hands (I probably catch at least 90% of the balls thrown to me), but my weight problem usually makes people think I can play nothing but line.

In high school I wanted to try out for tight end on our football team. One reason was that I didn't really want to play offensive line (and being around 5'11, 175 lbs, I probably shouldn't have been anywhere near the line). The second reason was that 2 of the other 3 guys trying out for tight end started on defense as well, so it stands to reason that they could be tired from time to time. Furthermore, it was freaking summer practices. What did the coach have to lose by letting me try out? The worst that happens is I make a fool of myself and go back to the line.

So I went over to the coach that was practicing with the other TEs. The other guys seemed kind of psyched to see me. They were like, "[Catheter Man] you're going to play tight end?" I asked the coach if I could try out. He asked me if the other coach sent me over and being stupidly honest, as I usually am, I said no. He said, "You should go back to the line." I had to protest, "But I have really good hands." Without even throwing me a pass, the coach said, "We have enough tight ends." And with that my tight end career was over before it began.

I did learn something from playing on that football team however. Half the battle is looking the part. The coaches were dumb enough to believe that if you had big pads, you were good. It makes no sense, but that is the way it went. Then there is always the theory of relativity: if your brother was good, you must be good. But I digress.

When I started playing on my rec team, I remembered the "look the part" rule and chose the jersey number 6. I don't know why I chose that particular number, but I figured if I had a single digit number, I would look more like a receiver, even though I would be playing line (although lineman are eligible to catch in this league, so I'm really more of a tight end). That season I caught a few passes (all that were thrown to me), but I still wasn't getting the looks I should have.

This season, I'm at my best "look the part" shape of my life. I'm down to about 160 (probably the lightest lineman in the league) and I chose the number 81. I have been averaging about 2.5 catches a game, with only one or two drops that I should have caught.

Today, the defensive lineman across from me was really bad. He was not going to get to our quarterback, so a few times I just took off down the field and tried to find an open spot. One of these times I was wide open and the qb threw it to me. About 2 feet in front of the end zone I caught it and walked right in for my first touchdown ever. It kind of looked like this:

Ahh, sweet redemption.

Quick Picks

2005-10-23T11:28:00.000-04:00

I don't have the time right now to figure out my record, so I'll get back to that next week. For now, here are the quick and dirty picks.

Rams (-3)
Packers (+1)
Colts (-14.5)
Bengals (-1)
Chargers (+4)
Browns (-3)
49ers (+13.5)
Cowboys (+4.5)
Raiders (-3)
Ravens (+1.5)
Titans (+5.5)
Giants (-2.5)
Falcons (-7)

Shop Teacher: The Legend of Mr. Peebles

2005-10-18T20:19:00.000-04:00

In middle school, it was the first time we got to take "elective" subjects, such as Gym, Home Economics, and Wood Shop. Gym every day was great except for the mandatory square dancing unit. I was pretty good at the cooking part of home ec, but I made perhaps the worst crafted pillow in history when I was forced to use the sewing machine for the first time. Wood shop was something I was looking forward to. Our wood shop classes were located in the basement of the school by themselves. The man who presumably spent his entire career in this dungeon was Mr. Peebles. He was nothing short of a legend in the school.

Mr. Peebles was a middle aged black guy who weighed somewhere in the 250-300 pound range. He wore thick army-issue glasses and sort of mumbled to himself all the time. Since we were all pretty young, the main tool we used in class was the coping saw. Mr. Peebles' favorite phrase was undoubtedly: "Ya gotta have da copin' saw." Followed by, "Dees kids [unintelligible] playin' wit da hand tools."

Mr. Peebles was always sort of a mystery to us. There was a rumor swirling around that he had once played professional football for the Cleveland Browns. Massive head trauma would be one explanation for his unique speaking style. One of my friends supposedly asked him about it and he reportedly got really angry and slammed his fists into a locker.

However, the best Mr. Peebles story is this: one day he was not in class. The story we got was that he was working after school the previous day and had sawed his thumb off using the band saw. He would not be returning for the rest of the semester. Due to this fact (and that the school apparently could not find anyone as competent as Mr. Peebles to supervise us and our coping saws), we had a parade of substitute teachers who would show us movies every day during class. It was during this time that I developed my true love for the movie: Airplane! I am actually kind of shocked that we got away with watching this (because of the brief nudity) because just a year or two earlier, the housewife mafia nixed a showing of Ernest Goes to Camp in my elementary school because it was PG and not G rated. I had to suffer through The Apple Blossom Gang instead (look it up, its horrible).

I don't think I ever saw Mr. Peebles again. I had a different shop teacher the next year and then I was off to high school. But this Bud's for you Mr. Peebles, A real man of genius. Not in those words salutes you, Mr. Middle School Wood Shop teacher. You teach kids with no mechanical ability to make the finest in keychains and cutting boards. You gotta have the copin' saw now! We don't know what you used to do, but we won't ask because you might get angry. Don't ask about the Browns! You might preach about safety, but you sawed off your thumb and didn't come back for the rest of the semester. Someone call an ambulance! So for being the perfect embodiment of "Do as I say, not as I do," here's to you Mr. Middle School Wood Shop Teacher. Mr. Middle School Wood Shop Teacher.

Kristen, where art thou?

2005-10-16T17:48:00.000-04:00

There are only about 20 Sundays a year dedicated to the art of football watching. For the past two, we have been going to Union Jack's in Bethesda. Last week, it was pretty much everything you could have wanted in a bar (save for some shoddy service during the 4:00 games due to what one of the staff members admitted was their busiest day ever). At the very least, this bar was a pair of queens to Caddies' 2-7 offsuit.

Today I arrived at my seat literally at the 1:00 kickoff. The J man and Ike already had their fries and drinks, so I did not expect anything to be amiss with our service. Much like last week, the bar was sparsely populated during the early games. Our waitress shows up to ask my drink order and give me a menu. At about 1:15 I ordered a George Burger, medium rare. I had just played a game of touch football on an empty stomach, so I was pretty hungry. Then I waited.

I should have known something was wrong when I overheard the waitress apologizing to the table next to us because she "totally forgot" their chicken tenders. But I wasn't too worried. It was only about 1:30. Even burgers can take a long time at a bar when everyone orders at the same time.

At about 1:45, it became clear that our waitress might actually have Down Syndrome. My burger was nowhere to be found even though just about everyone else in the place was eating. One waitress came over and asked if we were using our Ketchup. I said I'd trade it to her for a burger.

At 2:00, Ike called the waitress out on it. I believe the exact wording was "He ordered a burger 45 minutes ago and its not here yet." I basically wanted to kick her teeth in (which probably would have made her look better).

2:15 rolled around and we had to tell the manager that I ordered a burger an hour ago and it still wasn't there, despite telling our stupid waitress about it about 15 minutes ago.

Finally, around 2:30 I finally got my burger. The manager said it was free because of how rediculous it was that I had to wait that long. Also, our waitress was mysteriously moved to the other side of the restaurant. Now I was finally ready for my sweet, sweet lunch. But here is basically what I got:

Not only was the burger lukewarm, it was fucking RAW in the middle. By this time I was so pissed and hungry that I just ate it anyway. Now I'll probably get mad cow disease. Not only that, but when I looked for the lettuce, tomato, and onion that they give you on the side, I definitely got the worst possible tomato and onion. They both had an approximate diameter of half an inch and were about 1 millimeter thick.

This is the second time this season that we've had a terrible waitress at a sports bar. I don't get it.

NFL Picks

2005-10-16T07:46:00.000-04:00

NFL Picks (9-5) this week, (33-40-1) on the year

The Costanza Theory worked last week. This week, I'm going normal again.

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh (-3)
Miami (+4.5) at Tampa Bay
Cleveland (+5) at Baltimore
Atlanta (-4.5) at New Orleans
Minnesota at Chicago (-3)
NY Giants (+3.5) at Dallas
Carolina (-1) at Detroit
Cincinnati (-3) at Tennessee
Washington (+6) at Kansas City
New England (+3) at Denver
NY Jets at Buffalo (-3)
San Diego (-2) at Oakland
Houston (+9.5) at Seattle
St. Louis (-13.5) at Indianapolis

Pix (ure pages)

2005-10-15T11:49:00.000-04:00

Remember Picture Pages? Bill Cosby and that stupid magic marker. I just thought about that for the first time in I don't know how long. Anyway, even though I didn't go to services this past week, I survived last night despite being pegged in the head by a cell phone (I guess we're even for the concussion I gave you during the after Prom party, Zack). Here are the picks. And just for shits and giggles, a picture of Uncle Rico.

College Picks
(0-2) this week, (5-5) on the year
Terrible week last week as I not only lost both games, but also Wyoming's streak of beating the spread came to an end.

New Mexico at Wyoming (-7) -- I don't care if I jinxed them last week, I'm getting back on the Wyoming train.

UNLV at Air Force (-7.5) -- I know nothing about these teams. My preferred sports book site is acting up so I am just going to post this and finish with the NFL picks at a later time today.

Peace out Napolean.

NFL (9-5) this week, (33-40-1) on the year

The Opiate of the Masses

2005-10-12T20:15:00.000-04:00

Seeing that title in print kind of makes me wish I had used it as my blog title or at least the byline. That is not the point of this post, however. In case you don't live in New York, Miami, California, DC, Chicago, or any of the other 3 places where Jews live in this country, you may not be aware but today is Yom Kippur. Actually, it starts tonight with a fun-filled long ass service and continues tomorrow with another long ass service. Just to make it an extra great holiday, you are supposed to fast from sundown today until sundown tomorrow. If you can't tell, I do not like this "holiday." In fact, I don't like any Jewish holidays.

Ever since I have had a choice in the matter (when I went to college), I have not "celebrated" the Jewish holidays. To be fair, most Jews don't celebrate any of the holidays except for Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. I just choose to keep it real. Hey, if you are not going to really follow this religion, go all the way with it. In a perfect world, every meal I eat would have bacon on it (by the way, we were driving in some ass backwards area of Virginia today and saw a sign for the most unkosher meal ever: a ham and oyster dinner).

Rosh Hashana is the celebration of the Jewish new year. Hell, I'm all for New Year's celebrations, but I prefer getting hammered and kissing someone (preferably female) at midnight, not having to put on a suit and "praying" while intermittantly standing up for uncomfortable periods of time. Furthermore, why the hell is New Year's a religious holiday for the Jews? There is nothing religious about it. Essentially, we're celebrating the great event of "tomorrow." So I have no qualms about skipping this holiday.

That brings us to Yom Kippur. As if all of us didn't have Jewish mothers, now we need to have a holiday devoted to making you feel bad about yourself? No thank you. This holiday is actually supposed to be the day of atonement, where you "atone" for your sins for the past year. So here's your heaping serving of guilt, served with a side dish of boredom, and a bowl of fasting for dessert. Whats more, you are expected to take off of work to go to services, because in America, the Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur are apparently not federal holidays. Screw you, Sandy Koufax. You ruined it for all of us non-observant Jews.

Here's the thing: I don't believe in organized religion. I'm sure it comforts some people, but mostly its used by a few in power to gain more power and/or cause destruction. I'm not saying that religions don't have their good aspects. If people actually followed the behavioral rules, the world would probably be a much better place, but usually those are even corrupted for political gain. I believe in Truth.

What the Jewish religion needs is some good PR and event planning people. The Jews have produced some of the funniest and most talented entertainers in the world, but we don't have one good holiday? Come on, we can do better than that. You don't have to give me Christmas. I realize that its taken 2000 years to bring it up to its current levels (which, by the way, is just one notch above obnoxious). But give me a Halloween. Give me a St. Patrick's Day. Give me a Martin Luther King Day. Something where you don't go to services and instead have fun.

So to all those who may be angry at me for going to work instead of services tomorrow, I would argue that I am just being an orthodox agnostic, rather than a non-religous jew who goes to services twice a year.

Football Picks -- Get Rich or Tie Drying

2005-10-07T14:54:00.000-04:00

I'm starting to see a distinct pattern with my picks: I'm good at college and bad at the NFL. As an experiment this week, I'm going to pick the opposite of who I think will win in the NFL games; Costanza Style. By the way, I have no idea if I used that semicolon correctly. Does anyone know how to use a semicolon? Does anyone know how to use a bartolocolon? Onto the picks...

College Picks
(1-1) last week, (5-3) for the year

Ohio State (-3) at Penn State -- Sure, Penn State is undefeated and the Fuckeyes always seem to lose in Happy Valley, but OSU is one of the best teams in the country and Penn State has two good players. Ohio State might blow them out.

TCU at Wyoming (-6.5) -- I doubted Wyoming last week when they were giving 18 points. They won by 25. I think they are 21-0 against the spread in their last 21 games, so I'm going to ride them for another week. This is definitely the best team I have never seen play.

NFL Picks -- Remember, I'm picking the opposite of what I say in the explanation.
(5-9) last week, (24-35-1) for the year

Tampa Bay at NY Jets (+3.5) -- There should be no way in Hell's Kitchen that the Jets can win this game with Vinny GreenBalls at the helm.

Seattle (+3) at St. Louis -- Seattle took a pounding from the Skins last week and could be without their top 2 WRs. This game also features two of the worst coaches in the NFL trying to figure out ways to lose against eachother. This game is going to be close, so I think its really a pick 'em. That being said, Sean Alexander could always explode for 4 TDs on any given week. The Rams D is just the type he likes to destroy.

New Orleans at Green Bay (-3) -- Stick a fork in the Pack. They are terrible. Ahman Green's yearly injury looks like its setting in and New Orleans is coming off their first "home" victoy. Should be a cakewalk for Brooks and the Saints.

Chicago at Cleveland (-3) -- Chicago can win on the road if their defense can shut down Cleveland. That shouldn't be hard considering the highlight of the Browns' season was Frisman Jackson's week one perfomance. Bears win.

Baltimore (+1.5) at Detroit -- Why exactly is Detroit giving points in this one? Baltimore's QB situation might stink worse than a dirty diaper filled with Indian food, but come on. I can't pick Detroit here, even with the Costanza theory.

New England at Atlanta (-3) -- Vick is hurt and New England is hurting for a win. The Pats should be able to slow down Dunn and Duckett, especially if Vick still plays.

Tennessee at Houston (-3) -- Everyone is saying that this is the week that Houston will finally get on track offensively. That is why I say that this is the week that the Titans get on track offensively and lay the smack down on Carr's candy ass.

Miami at Buffalo (-2.5)-- This game is a real stinker. Normally I would pick Miami because their D should be able to stop whoever is running the Bills offense, plus they had a week off to pepare. Therefore, Buffalo will win.

Indianapolis (-14) at San Francisco -- This is another one I can't pick with my Costanza theory. There is no way SF is even close in this one.

Carolina at Arizona (+2.5) -- Carolina should be able to run all over the Cards. I think they are getting too much credit for their win last week. I'd like to see McCown do that two weeks in a row.

Washington at Denver (-7) -- Seeing as all of Washington's games have been close thus far and the fact that they have not allowed a 100 yard rusher in the past 8 games, I would pick the Skins to at least keep it close, if not win this game outright. But this week I'm going with Denver, if only to keep my streak of betting against the Skins alive so that they keep winning. I hope they can become the worst 4-0 team ever.

Philadelphia at Dallas (+3.5) -- Philly should crush Dallas in this game even if McNupid is hurt.

Cincinnati at Jacksonville (-2.5) -- Roll on Cincy Bandwagon, roll on.

Pittsburgh (+3) at San Diego -- I like San Diego at home to beat an overrated Steelers squad.

Thank you, drive through...

2005-10-05T17:07:00.000-04:00

Today the J man and I were out in the middle of nowhere when we wanted to get some lunch. Since Monopoly has returned at McDonald's, we wanted to stop there. Last year I won a free year of Netflix by eating way too much McDonald's, so I figure I need to give it another shot.

When we got to the McDonald's it was around 1:30 or 2, so we didn't expect much of a crowd. We walked in and were horrified to see the situation: 1 cashier -- 10 customers in one line. If it were not for Monopoly, we probably would have walked right out of there and into Wendy's (and that is saying a lot because I hate Wendy's [they put mayo on everything and they don't melt their cheese]). Facing the prospect of waiting a good 10-15 minutes to get "fast" food, we decided to pull off the greatest move in McDonald's history.

We got back in the van, went through the drive thru, got our food, parked, and went back inside McDonald's to eat. The woman who was originally in front of us in line was still about 7 people deep. Score! Plus, they tried to get cheap on us with the McNugget sauces at the drive thru (in other words, even though I got a 5 piece chicken selects and the J man got a 10 piece nuggets, they didn't give us any sauces... bitches) so we had to go back in.

Eat that, understaffed McDonald's!

Football Pix

2005-09-29T18:06:00.000-04:00

I'm back to my usual swing of things in college with another undefeated week. I would have stayed on the Wyoming bandwagon this week, but not when they are giving 18 points. In the NFL, I had a lackluster .500 batting average. Hopefully this week will be better.

College Picks: (2-0) last week, (6-2) on the year

Pitt (+1) @ Rutgers -- I don't care how bad of a coach Dave Wannestedt is, any time Pitt is an underdog to Rutgers, I have to go with the Panthers. They should have their confidence back after beating the tar out of Youngstown State.

Navy (-6) @ Duke -- Navy had an unexpected week off because they were supposed to play at Rice last week. This means they should be rested and ready to kick Duke's blue ass.

NFL Picks: (7-7) last week, (19-26-1) on the year

Houston at Cincinnati (-9.5) -- I have two feet firmly planted on the Bengals bandwagon and I'm riding it to the playoffs. All we need now is a Rudi Shuffle. Since I have Andre 3000 Johnson on my keeper league team, look for him to have 28 yds and no tds.

Indianapolis (-7) at Tennessee -- Will this be the week Indy's offense explodes? You never know. I'm guessing that it may be, considering Peytard is back in the state where he had his glory days (remember, when he never won a big game?). The new-look Colts D should have no problem stopping Captain Questionable Mc Nair and crew.

Seattle (+2) at Washington -- I am actually going to this game. Washington has beaten 2 teams by a total of 3 points. The Skins barely beat Chicago week 1 even though it was Orton's first NFL game. The Dallas game was a total loss except for 2 plays in the 4th quarter. As much confidence as I have in their defense, I have zero confidence in the offense to score at all.

Detroit at Tampa Bay (-6.5) -- There is as little reason to doubt Tampa as there is reason to have confidence in Detroit.

Denver at Jacksonville (-4) -- The Jags D is great. Their offense seems to be going well, and Denver is one of those teams that usually will have an up and down season. Compound this with the fact that Chump Bailey got hurt and they had a short week after the Monday nighter and had to travel to Jacksonville, and I'll go with the Jaguars on this one.

San Diego at New England (-5) -- This is a tough game for the Pats, but they should be able to win at home. I still don't believe that San Diego is for real, no matter how good Tomlinson is. I also might be picking against them out of spite because Tomlinson singlehandedly destroyed one of my fantasy teams last week.

Buffalo at New Orleans (Pick 'em) -- I think this game is actually being played in the state of Louisiana, so maybe the Commissioner has bussed in 75,000 Bills fans to make the Saints feel more at home. Anyway, the people of Louisiana are reeling from the LSU loss and nothing would make them feel better than cramming the ball down JP Losman's throat.

St. Louis (+3) at NY Giants -- Even though the Rams tend to suck on the road and outdoors, I like them to beat the Giants because I don't think that they are that good.

NY Jets at Baltimore (-7) -- This may go down as the ugliest NFL game ever played. Baltimore's D should have a field day with whoever is starting for the Jets.

Minnesota (+6) at Atlanta -- See what happens when you put in Mewelde Moore, Coach Tice? Do you see what happens when you put in Mewelde Moore? DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PUT IN MEWELDE MOORE? Idiot.

Philadelphia (+1.5) at Kansas City -- KC looked downright terrible on Monday night. Philly is a much better team than Denver, but KC is a tough place to play. This is a shaky pick for me and I wouldn't be suprised if either team won big.

Dallas at Oakland (-3.5) -- This is a game Oakland can and should win. But you never know with Norv neck. Another pick I'm not too confident about.

San Francisco (+2) at Arizona -- The Cards are a disaster. Isn't this game in Mexico or something? Too bad Ron Mexico isn't playing there. Since there will be no real home field advantage, I'm going with the team whose name is already in Spanish.

Green Bay at Carolina (-7.5) -- I'm beginning to feel really bad about betting against Favre every week, but man, the Pack is bad.

This is the best thing I've ever seen

2005-09-29T16:54:00.000-04:00

Colla at me

Football Picks: Back in a big way

2005-09-23T18:33:00.001-04:00

Well, after my 4-0 start in college football, I'm back down to 4-2 due to a tough week where Michigan actually beat up on someone. For this reason, the Michigan game is not in my picks this week. But I will stay with the Big Ten (for one pick).

College Picks (0-2) last week, (4-2) for the year

Iowa @ Ohio State (-7) -- This should be a great game, but I don't think Iowa can win at the Horseshoe just yet. The only question is if the game is going to be close up until the end (OSU winning by a field goal). I'll put my money on the Ohio State dickheads to win by a TD at least.

Wyoming (+3) @ Mississippi -- I have no idea about either of these teams, but I'm playing a hunch that the doo doo pee pee uniforms of Wyoming will distract Ole Miss enough to allow for a Cowboy win.

NFL Picks (8-7-1) last week, (12-19-1) for the year

Jaguars (+2.5) @ Jets -- the Jags D looks good and I think they can beat the Jets even if Leftwich is hurt. I say that the Jags win this game even if Lord Byron plays with a peg leg. If he doesn't, Garrard is underrated as a backup. Furthermore, Lav Coles was molested. I'm not saying he's gay. I'm just saying he New York does happen to be the musical theater capital of the US.

Titans @Rams (-6.5) -- The Rams always play well at home and I am playing against Steven Jackson in my fantasy league this week. This spells trouble for the Titans. Another reason to root against the Titans was that girl from my Sports Law class. You know the type, the girl who knows about sports, but has to overcompensate for her lack of a penis by being an annoying beeyatch and trying to impress everybody in the world with her sports knowledge. She liked the Titans.

Oakland @ Eagles (-8) -- Moss v. T.O.: pretty even. Jordan v. Westbrook: pretty even. Collins v. McNabb: not as even. Raiders D v. Eagles D.: even less even. Norville Turner v. Andy Reid: a complete mismatch. I hate to bet against the Raiders with such a huge spread, but Norv will stop at nothing to ruin a team.

Bengals (-3) @ BEARS -- I am officially on the Bengals bandwagon. I love the big 3 on offense and their defense is pretty good even though I can't name a single player on that side of the ball other than TKO Spikes. I am just as impressed with the Bears defense this season, but the offense can't keep up with the Bengals if they get ahead.

Saints (+4) @ Vikings -- The Saints looked good in week 1 and bad in week 2. This is a bounce back week for them because they are playing the Vikings and I have this theory: Mike Tice is an idiot. I'm not sure how this guy ever became a head coach, but its time for the Tice era to end. Losing Burleson isn't going to help either.

Panthers (-3) @ Dolphins -- Stephen Davis is still healthy, so I'm going with Carolina. Their defense should be able to shut down Dollar Dollar Gus Frerotte.

Browns (+13.5) @ Colts -- The Colts will win this game, but the spread is too big for me to go against the Browns. Of course, watch this be the game that Manning throws for 6 TDs and my whole reasoning will be shot.

Falcons (+3) @ Bills -- The Bills offense has been inept the past two weeks. I don't see much changing against a very good Falcons D.

Bucs (-3.5) @ Packers -- I traded in my Chevy for a Cadillac-ac-ac-ac-ac-ac, you ought to know by now... the Pack is done.

Cardinals @ Seahawks (-6) -- The lack of a rushing attack is going to hurt the Cards in this shootout.

Patriots (+3) @ Steelers -- This should be the best game of the week, if only because of the Pats and Steelers fans. They were the two biggest jersey-wearing contingents at the bar last week. I'd love to see them duke it out.

Cowboys (-6.5) @ 49ers -- The Cowboys are going to be pissed. This should be the second week in a row that San Francisco takes it up the fartbox. Alex Smith should be starting by next week.

Giants @ Chargers (-6) -- As little as I like the Chargers, someone has to prove what a fraud the Giants are. We can't have another year where the Giants suck and wind up going to the Superbowl. That would be so depressing. Especially since they were given the gift of an extra home game in the worst case of New York-centrism since David Stern rigged the first lottery so that the Knicks could get Patrick Ewing.

Chiefs (+3) @ Broncos -- Come on, the Chiefs are getting 3 points?

Sabbatical

2005-09-21T15:59:00.000-04:00

Sorry about the lack of posts lately. I am taking a well-deserved sabbatical from my blog.

Red, White, and Catheter: A Sesquicentennial of Suckitude

2005-09-16T13:40:00.000-04:00

Well, its official. I have just applied for my 150th - 154th jobs. This gets me thinking. Maybe I should change my plan. Whatever I'm doing is obviously not working. So here it is: I want an extreme makeover (home edition). I deserve it. At least an Oprah home makeover.

I talked to my mother about this whole job hunting fiasco and I said that this country sucks because her generation ruined it (think about the Enrons, Worldcoms, etc... there's always some 55 year old schmuck with a platinum and diamond encrusted stapler behind the whole thing). Anyway, I'm not sure what I expected her to say, but she comes out of nowhere with, "I think its because they let all these immigrants in." Then she did her best Axl Rose impression and belted out, "Immigrants and faggots... they make no sense to meeeeeeee! They come to this country... or spread some fucking diseeeeeeeeeeease!"

Well, that last part never happened, but she did hate on immigrants for some reason. I thought all jews had to give immigrants a lifetime pass because we were all trudging through Ellis Island at one point or another. By the way, fuck you Ellis Island for not giving me a shorter and easier to spell name.

The Picks

2005-09-15T12:11:00.000-04:00

Last week was a complete disaster for NFL, but my college streak is still alive. Away we go...

College
(2-0) last week, (4-0) for the year

Eastern Michigan (+30) @ Michigan
I'm going to keep picking against Michigan until I'm proven wrong. Eastern would have no chance of winning this game even if Charlie Batch and Earl Boykins were playing. That being said, Lloyd Carr is Lloyd Carr and Michigan doesn't beat anyone by 30.

San Diego State @ Ohio State (-27.5)
Ohio State is bound to be pissed after last week, and being the dicks that they are, will try and run up the score to get back into the top half of the top ten. Also, SDSU let up over 40 points to UCLA and Air Force.

NFL
(4-12) last week, (4-12) for the year

New England (-3) @ Carolina
No reason to doubt the champs. I am a little concerned about their lack of rushing, though.

Detroit @ Chicago (+1.5)
This one should be interesting. I think Chicago shows that their D is no joke here against a legitimate offense. Well, almost legitimate.

Minnesota @ Cincinnati (-3)
This one looks like one of those games where people will start realizing that Cincy is much better than they expected and Minnesota is much worse.

Pittsburgh (-6) @ Houston
Well, I was wrong about Pittsburgh coming back down to Earth last week. Houston looks like crap also. Pitt in a romp.

Jacksonville @ Indianapolis (-9)
I'm done trying to pick upsets. Peytard and the boys are back to their old ways and light up Jacksonville in the dome.

San Francisco @ Philadelphia (-12.5)
This one actually had no line on the site I check, so I can only assume that everyone was betting on Philly.

Buffalo (+2.5) @ Tampa Bay
I don't know why, but I just don't believe in Tampa yet.

Baltimore (-3.5) @ Tennessee
The last time Anthony Wright started for Baltimore, they wound up going to the Superbowl. The Titans D is awful. Baltimore wins by stuffing the ball down the Titans throats.

St. Louis (+1) @ Arizona
I still can't bring myself to bet on the Cardinals, no matter how retarded Mike Martz is.

Atlanta (+1) @ Seattle
Atlanta is another team that is better than people realize. Their D is for real. Too bad Mathis is out for the year.

San Diego @ Denver (-3)
As much as I hate the Broncos, its pretty hard to win in Denver.

Cleveland (+6.5) @ Green Bay
Green Bay is done.

Miami @ NY Jets (-6)
Nothing like a Herm Edwards spaz out to get the troops in line.

Kansas City (-1) @ Oakland
This game is going to be awesome. Definitely the game of the week. I gotta go with the team not coached by Norv Turner here.

New Orleans (+3) @ NY Giants
The Saints have to be pissed that they are missing a home game this week. Hopefully, they will take it out on the Giants.

Washington @ Dallas (-6)
Round Head Brunell + Dallas + Monday Night + Week 2 = loss for the Skins. Incidentally, if all my NFC East picks come in correctly (at least who I think will win), guess who is 2-0 and sitting pretty atop the division...Dallas. You know its going to happen, if only to give the talking heads something to scream about for the next week.

Bush

2005-09-14T01:59:00.000-04:00

"On your watch, we've lost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two Trade Centers, a piece of The Pentagon, and the city of New Orleans."
--Bill Maher

I suck (football)

2005-09-13T12:08:00.000-04:00

I guess the only good news to come out of this weekend is that I am now 4-0 in my college picks. You'll have to trust me that I picked Ohio State and Northern Illinois the first week. Why wouldn't you? I don't lie.

For the NFL picks, I was a whopping 4-12, although my lock of the week came in. I'm not sure if I'm going to keep picking all the games because frankly, it takes a long time to even write out the matchups. We'll see how I'm feeling.

So here is where we will keep track of the Weekly 5. This includes what happened to Michigan, my touch football team, the Redskins, and my 2 fantasy teams. This record will reflect how much of a burden I am as a fan/player/owner. This week I was 1-4.

1) Michigan -- lost to Notre Dame at home for the first time in over a decade. I went over this in the Lloyd Carr post.
2) Touch Football -- I had 3 catches for somewhere around 20 yards and we were up 8-0 when my knee collided with a defender's knee as I was running toward the end zone. I had to leave the game because I was probably about 25% at that point. We wound up losing 13-8.
3) Redskins -- Beat one of the worst teams in the league by 2, while ensuring that Round Head Brunell will be their starting QB for a while. This barely counts as a win.
4) Keeper Fantasy Team -- Destroyed. Lets put it this way: if not for Warrick Dunn and Deion Branch, I would have scored 33.4 points. With them, it went all the way up to 61.
5) Non-keeper Team -- Cooley's TD gets called back. Akers misses 2 FGs. Priest Holmes now splits major time. The Rams D lays an egg against the worst offense in the league (next to the Redskins). Hasselbeck tosses three picks. All leading to a 16 point loss.

Bonus

6) Neil Weisman -- moved in two days early.

Roberts Confirmation

2005-09-12T13:45:00.000-04:00

For those of you who aren't watching the Roberts confrimation hearings (why would you? he's getting confirmed no matter what), here's the breakdown of whats going on.

Republicans know he's going to rule in their favor for the most part, so they are trying to say that the only questions people should ask are about his ability to judge cases fairly based on the facts presented. Republicans are basically trying to not have him answer any questions that might show his political inclinations about anything.

Democrats know he's not going to rule in their favor for the most part, so they are trying to say that he has to talk about his political ideology because its impossible to be completely unbiased as a judge (for an extreme example, see Scalia). They want him to say something so dumb that it makes it impossible for him to get confirmed.

It is a shame that a guy who will probably be the Chief Justice for the next 30 years is probably going to sit there and not answer any questions about his fitness to serve and get confirmed anyway because of the Republican domination of the government. The founding fathers are dusting off their Sit 'n Spins right now.