I am one sexy bitch

According to My Heritage.com, I am pretty damn good looking. They have this thing where you can upload your picture and the computer scans it and compares your face with its database of celebrities. So who did I get? My top matches were: for males -- Elvis Presley (61% match). For females -- Maria Sharapova (53% match). I guess that means that if Elvis and Maria Sharapova ever had a kid, it would look like me. So I got that going for me, which is nice.

Stay Tuned

I'm sick of looking at that Christmas Post, but I have no real news to report on the job front. If I don't get something by the 1st, I have a plan in the works: Hungry for Work 2006. Lets hope it doesn't come to that.

Merry Fucking Christmas

Well, as usual, when I put my life in the hands of others, they disappoint me. After going on a few interviews in the last couple of weeks, I actually had a call back of sorts with one company. The director told me that they would let me know by the end of the (this) week. Here I am a week later and down to a pittance in my bank account and still no word from them. I don't want to call because then I would likely lose the mirage of a possibility of a job and then I would likely spend Christmas playing Edward Jaeger Hands (instead of 40s, using Jaeger bottles), cutting myself, and watching vomit porn until I pass out. This, of course, would be pretty awkward because my girlfriend's 13 year old brother and their mom will be here.

So have yourself a merry fucking Christmas and remember: if you see those Salvation Army Bell Ringers do not, under ANY circumstances, make eye contact.

Cheers.

Golden Globe Preview

Since I have nothing better to do today and I haven't posted in a while, I decided to make a Golden Globe Awards Preview post. Admittedly, I have never watched the Golden Globes, I probably haven't seen 95% of the movies nominated, and I absolutely hate awards shows. So this should be pretty accurate. So sit back, get your industrial sized popcorn, and enjoy the post.

1. BEST MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

a. BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
b. THE CONSTANT GARDENER
c. GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK
d. A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE
e. MATCH POINT

Ok, I haven't seen any of these and I have never even heard of 2 of them. Clearly not a good year for movies. I am suprised that Walk The Line didn't get nominated. Ray for rednecks got screwed. And for the record, I'm not ever going to see Brokeback Mountain. It isn't because I'm homophobic (who is scared of gay people). Its because I am so secure in my sexuality that I don't have to go see some crappy love story that I never would have seen if it was a straight couple just to prove that I am down with the butt pirates. All that being said, Brokeback Mountain still wins because I just have no idea about the others.


2. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

a. MARIA BELLO
A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE
b. FELICITY HUFFMAN
TRANSAMERICA
c. GWYNETH PALTROW
PROOF
d. CHARLIZE THERON
NORTH COUNTRY
e. ZIYI ZHANG
MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA

Easiest pick on the board. Charlize Theron made herself ugly to play this role, so she automatically wins. Its the male equivalent of playing a tard in a movie. And no, I didn't see any of these flicks.

3. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA

a. RUSSELL CROWE
CINDERELLA MAN
b. PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN
CAPOTE
c. TERRENCE HOWARD
HUSTLE & FLOW
d. HEATH LEDGER
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
e. DAVID STRATHAIRN
GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK

I really want to go with Philip Seymour Hoffman in this one, but the field is too strong. Since I didn't actually see any of these performances, I'm going to go with Heath Ledger to win because much like Chicago winning a ton of Oscars, Brokeback Mountain could ensure that the movie industry becomes even gayer in the next few years.

4. BEST MOTION PICTURE - MUSICAL OR COMEDY

a. MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS
Heyman Hoskins Prods.; The Weinstein Company
b. PRIDE & PREJUDICE
Working Title Prods.; Focus Features/StudioCanal
c. THE PRODUCERS
Brooksfilms; Universal Pictures/Columbia Pictures
d. THE SQUID AND THE WHALE
American Empirical/Peter Newman – Internal; Samuel Goldwyn Films/Sony Pictures Releasing International
e. WALK THE LINE
Twentieth Century Fox; Twentieth Century Fox

This category really pisses me off. First of all, there are no comedies represented. I know the producers is probably funny, but its a musical. And why does comedy have to share a category with musical? Making something that is truly funny is so much harder than, say, remaking King Kong for the third time, or making a musical into a movie. Anyway, enough of my rant. This is a tough call with The Producers and Walk The Line. I'm going with The Producers because it is a musical and a comedy. The funniest thing in Walk the Line was when I farted pretty loudly halfway through it.

5. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE - MUSICAL OR COMEDY

a. JUDI DENCH
MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS
b. KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
PRIDE & PREJUDICE
c. LAURA LINNEY
THE SQUID AND THE WHALE
d. SARAH JESSICA PARKER
THE FAMILY STONE
e. REESE WITHERSPOON
WALK THE LINE

This is an easy one also. We have the classic token British actress. We have a horseface. And then we have baboon face. Reese Witherspoon in a walk.

6. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE -MUSICAL OR COMEDY

a. PIERCE BROSNAN
THE MATADOR
b. JEFF DANIELS
THE SQUID AND THE WHALE
c. JOHNNY DEPP
CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY
d. NATHAN LANE
THE PRODUCERS
e. CILLIAN MURPHY
BREAKFAST ON PLUTO
f. JOAQUIN PHOENIX
WALK THE LINE

This is a tough one. So many names. I think that if The Producers is going to win best musical or comedy, then the voters will give this one to Joaquin Phoenix.

7. BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

a. KUNG FU HUSTLE (CHINA)
b. MASTER OF THE CRIMSON ARMOR aka THE PROMISE (CHINA)
c. JOYEUX NOEL (MERRY CHRISTMAS) (FRANCE)
d. PARADISE NOW (PALESTINE)
e. TSOTSI (SOUTH AFRICA)

I'm tempted to go with Kung Fu Hustle, but I don't think a kung fu movie would ever win an award, so I'm going with Tsotsi, in the hope that I hear that name as often as I heard Thoth. Thoth!

8. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

a. SCARLETT JOHANSSON
MATCH POINT
b. SHIRLEY MacLAINE
IN HER SHOES
c. FRANCES McDORMAND
NORTH COUNTRY
d. RACHEL WEISZ
THE CONSTANT GARDENER
e. MICHELLE WILLIAMS
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

Again, since I didn't actually see any of these films, I'm going to go with my instinct that voters like to shake it up with the supporting actress category. That is why I'm picking Rachel Weisz even though I don't even know who she is.

9. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

a. GEORGE CLOONEY
SYRIANA
b. MATT DILLON
CRASH
c. WILL FERRELL
THE PRODUCERS
d. PAUL GIAMATTI
CINDERELLA MAN
e. BOB HOSKINS
MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS

As much as I'd love to see Will Ferrell win this award and as much as I think Paul Giamatti might get it because he didn't get anything for Sideways, I'm going with Clooney. I actually did see Crash, but I didn't even remember that Matt Dillon was in it until just now.

10. BEST DIRECTOR - MOTION PICTURE

a. WOODY ALLEN
MATCH POINT
b. GEORGE CLOONEY
GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK
c. PETER JACKSON
KING KONG
d. ANG LEE
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
e. FERNANDO MEIRELLES
THE CONSTANT GARDENER
f. STEVEN SPIELBERG
MUNICH

There's no way Clooney wins for directing, right? That puts Ang Lee, Peter Jackson, and Spielberg in a tight race for this one. Voters usually like to give one film a ton of awards and I think that is going to be Brokeback Mountain this year. So Ang Lee, practice your acceptance speech.

Those are about all the awards that people care about and I don't feel like writing any more, so thats all folks.

Yahoo Fantasy Profile

The J-Man told me about this last night and I had to check it out. You can see every fantasy team you ever had on Yahoo in your Fantasy Profile page. There is even a trophy case! Here is a list of some of the names of my teams.

Thug Life
The Olsen Twins
Fish on Head
Mr. Furley
The Wobbley A's
Wet Like a Peach
Juwanna Mann
Frankencoby
Get off the shed!
Wet Burritos
Jesse and the Rippers
Shamgod Wells
The UNlucky Pierres
Dirty Sams
The Crips
I had sex with your wife
Napolean in Rags
Kitichai Kongtong
Blanket Jackson
Project X
Special Ed -- Yaaaaaaaay!
Your mom goes to college


I am clearly disturbed.

Getting a Job

After recently applying for my 183rd job, I decided to get a little help from the source of all things good and true: the internet(s). When I typed "how to find a job" into the Yahoo search engine, the first page that came up was "THE 50 cent HOW TO GET A JOB LECTURE OR EMPLOYERS HIRE PEOPLE THEY LIKE WHO THEY BELIEVE WILL FIT INTO THEIR ORGANIZATION." First of all, dude, stop screaming at me. Secondly, what does 50 Cent know about getting a job? Reading on, I learned that unfortunately, this site has nothing to do with Curtis Jackson (if that is Fiddy's real name). What follows are some highlights from this site and my reactions to them. Enjoy.

Suggestion #1:
KEEP A LOG

* Dates
* Places You Go
* Names of the People You Meet
* Impressions-What Happened?

Done and done. And I mean done. We're 183 jobs into the log. It ain't helping.

Suggestion #2:
Humans are afraid of people they do not know and humans take care of their buddies. It has been suggested that as many as 7 out 10 positions are filled through personal contacts. The better the job and the better the pay, the greater the chance it will be offered through a personal contact. If this is true, job seekers would be wise to make a list of every person they know and contact them for assistance finding a job.

With the exception of the J-man, why haven't you assholes found me a job yet??!?! This is clearly your fault. And after all I've done for you (probably nothing). For shame. For shame.

Suggestion #3:
Be aware of your appearance. Extremely beautiful people, with charming personalities who smell good, are well groomed and neatly dressed, have little trouble getting job offers. The rest of us should look in the mirror or ask someone we trust for an honest opinion of the image we are projecting. We can determine what outfit to wear by looking at what other employees wear to work. Would not jeans be more appropriate than a blue suit if applying for work on a farm?

Are you calling me ugly? Fuck you, asshole. I may not "smell attractive" or "wash my underwear" or "wear socks" or "fully chew my food" or "refrain from masturbating during an interview" or "make eye contact" or "show up sober" when I go to a potential employer, but that doesn't mean that I'm not qualified.

Suggestion #5:
How we fill out an application is as important as the information we put down. We must follow directions, be neat, complete and avoid spelling errors. The complete application is a reflection of how we deal with paper.

If you are too dumb to fucking fill out an application properly, you are too dumb to figure out the internet(s), so this one is pretty superfluous.

And finally...

Suggestion #6:
A short thank you note reminds the employer that we have applied for a job. We can express appreciation for the courtesy of an interview and confirm that we are interested in the position. If we do not hear from the employer within a reasonable period of time, we can always stop by and remind the employer we are still interested. You can say something like, "Just stopped by to say hello. I know you are busy. I do not want to be a pest, but I do not want you to forget me." If you really want the job, you can continue to make follow-up contacts until the employer hires you or tells you clearly that you are not being considered.

Or until they get security to escort you out of the building using "any means necessary" and leaving you in a crumpled, sobbing heap on the sidewalk with a rope belt, urine-soaked pants, and a half-finished bottle of Wild Irish Rose in your angry fist (not that that's ever happened to me).

So, as you can tell, I am getting pretty frustrated with this whole "working" situation. If not for selling textbooks on the internet, being an assistant swimming pool technician, winning money playing internet poker, and being an extra in movies, I'd be in deep dung right now. As it is, I am pretty fucked. If I don't get a job by New Year's, I'm seriously going to start hanging out at those day laborer stands.

I know a secret...

If you act now, you can own a home in North Bethesda with its very own slave quarters. Yes, the cabin pictured above was the former home of Josiah Henson -- the slave whose 1849 autobiography was the model for Harriet Beecher Stowe's classic novel (and hair band Warrant's early 90's hit), "Uncle Tom's Cabin."

So what would you expect to pay for a house like this? Granted, a personal slave quarters is priceless, but this house is just an example of the rediculous real estate prices around here. Any guesses?


It is listed at $990,000.

Random Sports News

I can already hear the collective groan coming from my female readers (if I have any). Yes, two sports posts in a row. Don't worry, once I get this one out of my system, I'll dispense with the dick and fart jokes post haste. But there are a few things I want to say. So, as the great Tyrone Biggums said, "If there is hate in your heart, let it out!"

The first item is actually not a sarcastic, hate filled rant about anything. I am actually psyched about a trade that one of my teams made. That's right. The Nationals traded for Alphonso Soriano, only the best second baseman in the game. And I'd like to put my catheter of approval on this move by giving him his nickname (I don't know if anyone has done this yet, so indulge me. Henceforth, Soriano will be known as:
The Fonz!
I realize that this is the same nickname I may or may not have given LaPhonso Ellis, but he's clearly not using it right now. So blow me.

Speaking of the trends I started and the NBA, David Stern is trying to legislate long shorts out of the game by fining players who don't comply with the official league shorts length requirements. Yes, there is such a thing. I actually had a poster that detailed the NBA dress code until my dog made mince meat out of it. By the way, what the hell is mince meat? Stern is out of control. He's becoming an old racist Jewish grandfather. First it was the suit requirement off the court (which I understand, but don't like), then its this. Mr. Stern, I hope you are not trying to go back to the early 80's style (when nobody watched the NBA, I might add), because nobody wants to see this.

In other NBA news, I did a random Yahoo fantasy league and my team is off to a slow start. However, Boris Diaw could be the best player in the league. Look at this stat line from his past 5 games:

Pts. Reb. Asst. Blocks Steals
17 8 6 1 3
15 3 9 0 1
14 4 9 4 1
8 8 13 3 1
10 10 5 0 0

The 15 Commandments

I have been participating in fantasy football since high school and since I have never actually won a fantasy football league, this has made me kind of an expert on what not to do during the draft. Of course, usually the knowledge I gain during the course of the season is promptly forgotten about a nanosecond after the Superbowl. So this year, in an attempt to remember some of these pieces of information (and give all of my opponents a look into my drafting strategy), I am writing it down. Hopefully, everyone I play against will forget about this post come August. And now, onto Catheter Man's Rules for Drafting a Fantasy Football Team*.

*Rules only apply to non-keeper leagues. Void where prohibited.


1) Know the scoring rules of your league. It sounds simple, but there are often quirks that make certain positions more (or less) valuable than you might think.

1a) You need at least 2 can't miss running backs. If this means drafting both in the first two rounds, so be it.

2) Take proven veteran wide receivers on stable teams with veteran quarterbacks and good offensive lines.

3) Take a quarterback who has been in the same offense for at least 2 years, with good people around him. Especially offensive line.

4) Don't take any players on a team with a terrible offensive line.

5) Wait on a tight end. They are too unpredictable.

6) Wait on a defense. They are the hardest to predict and don't really vary that much from each other.

7) Wait on a kicker. Same thing applies as above.

8) When in doubt, take the player who has proven he can score in the NFL.

9) Know your coaches (i.e. stay away from Mike Tice's or Mike Shanahan's running backs unless you have no choice).

10) Rookie running backs are risky. Typically only one has a good year.

11) Know who your opponents have picked, especially in the first two rounds.

12) Know your bye week issues and plan for them.

14) When it comes to running backs, back up, back up, back up. You will have injuries.

15) When naming your team it is of the utmost importance (and I can't stress this enough) that you choose either a slang term for some deviant sexual act or a reference to a Will Ferrell movie, character, or skit. This is not negotiable.

March of the Jackasses

The first snowstorm of the year is currently in progress here in DC and as always, the Jackasses are out in force at the supermarkets panicking and buying up all the milk and bread. First of all, we are only going to get a few inches, not a few feet. Anyone who can't live without milk and/or bread for as long as one whole day is a fucking moron.

Ramblings

Rambling time, rambling time, across the USA. Rambling time, Rambling time. Hey Hey!

-- If I had a secret time machine, along with investing all my money in Microsoft, I'd go back to the 50's and play college basketball. I'd be the original White Chocolate. I had a friend who lived in South Africa in high school and they thought he invented the behind the back pass.

-- I recently called the Sprint customer service line and I was clearly talking to someone in Bombay. That really pissed me off. I said I wanted to know my password, not order Lamb Vindaloo!

-- Have you seen these commercials for this new drug to help people with "Restless Leg Disorder"? Are you fucking kidding me? Now people who bounce their knee when sitting have a disorder? The drug companies must be stopped.

-- Anyone who knows me knows I hate talking on the phone. I think I realized why. Over at least the last three years I think I have gotten only one piece of good news over the phone: I was accepted to one of the law reviews at my school. And that wasn't even great news because it was a pretty terrible experience.

-- I don't know what is more pathetic: the fact that I still play video games or the fact that my PS2 broke, so now I'm playing Madden 2000 on the PS1, where Kimble Anders is gaining waaaaay too many yards on me.

-- Maruchen Ramen have the better noodle quality, while Top Ramen have the better flavors.

-- I just saw the movie Fever Pitch for the first time and it was ok (in the I've kind of had a crush on Drew Barrymore since I was five even though she is a grown woman and still has a lisp way).

-- The new King Kong movie has hit the trifecta of reasons to make me not want to see a movie: 1) Its a remake, 2) It is being completely overhyped, and 3) There is extensive CGI involved.

-- I might jinx it right here, but I've made it through the entire NFL season without actually watching that Tim McGraw Week in Review crap on Monday Night Football. I have had a few close calls where I almost forgot to change the channel, but I think I could go 16-0.

-- Don't you think the Spanish Channel should have English subtitles?

-- Is weird Al Yankovic still doing albums? Because I really want him to do a parody of Jesus Walks about Beavis and Butthead. I know, the tv show reference is a tad dated, but Beavis Walks is too good to pass up. weird Al might even be able to get into a Coolio style feud with Kanye West.

Hubble Bubble

The Hubble Space Telescope recently took a picture of a Crab Nebula. Apparently, this star exploded some time ago, leading to the invasion of Earth by the....































Crab People!






















Crab People... Crab People... Taste like crab, talk like people.