Thursday, July 27, 2006

Back in the saddle again

Well, since we last spoke, I left my job at the "Queer Eye" and took a new one at the "Straight Guy." Bear in mind, its still technically temp work, but at least I'm getting paid a decent wage this time. Makes a man feel good. Like feeling up a passed out chick in the back of a taxi on the way home from a bar.

I'm not feeling too creative right now, given my crazy hours, but I'm sure I'll have some good stories to tell when I get around to it.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

C-Man's ode to technology

You'd think by 2006 we would be at a point in history where every article on the internets that contained an ampersand didn't end up looking like (for example): Baskin *22%##&AMpp4782-34??><+)= Robbins.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Here we go again

Well, the Wizards have done it again. Here's what they needed in order to advance past the first round of the playoffs next year: a power forward or center who plays d and rebounds and (if possible) is not a complete offensive liability, a true point guard, and some scoring off the bench. What did they get? A couple of Russian shooters. If either one of these guys can make the team and play a little next year, I'm not sure that they can bring anything to the table that Jared Jeffries doesn't already have (and lack).

Skinny 6'11" shooters will not help this team in the short run. While its possible that one or both will magically morph into Nowitzki, Kirilenko, or Stojakavic, it probably won't happen (it ever) for a number of years. When Marcus Williams slid in the first round, we should have snatched him up right there. I don't care if he's got character issues. Show me one team without several flawed players. The guy can play.

Instead, we got a friend for Alexander Ovechkin. I'm not saying Pecherov is bad. Honestly, I've never seen the guy play, but if every other European player can be a measuring stick for this pick, he can probably shoot but he doesn't play defense or rebound all that well for his height. I'm guessing he ain't gonna block too many shots either. In terms of what we needed, that's batting 1 for 4. That doesn't cut it on a first rounder.

In the second round, I really wanted Paul Millsap. He's a guy who could have come in and competed for major playing time right away on this team with our horrible power forwards. But, alas, he was taken one spot ahead of us by the Jazz, who get an A+ in the second round by getting Millsap and Dee Brown back to back. The next logical choice for us would have been Gansey, a solid point guard from WV or his teammate, Kevin Pittsnogle. Either one of those guys could have come in with the second unit and logged some decent minutes while not killing us by not scoring. Instead, we got another friend for Alexander Ovechkin. Essentially the same player as we got in the first round, but not as good.

With Chicago, New Jersey, Orlando, and Cleveland all getting better through the draft, we may need to make a splash in the free agent market in order to even make the playoffs. Hell, if the Bobcats have an amazing year, they could even pass us up. Luckily, we'll still be able to beat up on the Hawks and Knicks for another year.

When you sum up what we needed, what was available, and who we got, I have to give the Wizards a solid D- for this draft. I'm hoping that we'll stow away these guys in Europe for a year or two, bring in JC Navarro from Spain, and maybe get a second-tier free agent who plays some friggin' defense. I have to trust that Ernie Grunfeld knows what he's doing because he did, after all, draft Michael Redd in the second round a few years ago [Please stop mentioning that in every article Washington Post. Please.] But you'll have to forgive me, as someone who has suffered for so many years at the hands of Les Boulez.

2006 NBA Draft Day Spectacular

Welcome to the 2006 NBA Draft. I just realized that I watched about 4 solid games of NBA action (it's FAAAAAAAANtastic!) last season, so I'm not really feeling the draft this year. Plus, it is a pretty crappy draft. So I'll just post a few comments as I think of them. Hopefully they'll be entertaining.

--How has David Stern not had a heart attack yet? As Felch would say, "It blows my mind."

--When the top pick is an Italian named Andrea, you know its a weak draft.

--Do you think the Italians paid off the Raptors to take Andrea, much like they have clearly paid off the refs in the World Cup?

--Where do black people come up with these fake French names? LaMarcus? Come on.

--Adam Morrison is clearly the front runner for Moustache of the Year next season.

--I would much rather have a white guy with diabetes than a white guy with a back problem. Because that back problem is NEVER going away.

--This draft is flying along. Kudos to the brass at the NBA. Now if we could get the first round of the playoffs to be less than a month, we'd be getting somewhere.

--Where are the crazy suits? I'm thoroughly disappointed in these guys. We need someone to break the ice and just go big with a purple pinstripe double breasted number next year.

--I spoke too soon. Tyrus Thomas went with the purple sweater under the pinstripe suit. Pretty close.

--Stu Scott just mentioned the WNBA. Why does that still exist? I'm conviced David Stern is laundering money through that league or something.

-- Shelden Williams is a lock for NBA Smush Face of the Year next season.

--Jay Bilas just projected the 5th pick in the draft as a Dale Davis type. Not a good sign for the talent this year.

-- I'm already bored. I'm just waiting for the Wizards pick. Now that we have Ernie Grunfeld, we might not screw it up. I'll see you next year, when there's some talent available.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006


Sorry about the lack of posting lately. For those who may care about such things, I am not currently under water. Suprisingly, DC freaked out about the weather for good reason this time, although it wasn't that bad. For me at least. And that's all that matters, isn't it?

Tomorrow, I'll have my NBA Draft Spectacular. I promise.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Vegas, baby.

Tomorrow I'm off to fabulous Las Vegas for one of the most heterosexual rites of passage known to modern man: the Vegas bachelor party. Sure, I'm as broke as JJ Evans, but its well worth cashing in some Bar Mitzvah bonds to take this much needed break from DC.

Today reminded me of just how much I need to see some silicone-filled mammaries while throwing back warm shots of Cuervo. As I escaped from my overly-gay temping gig for lunch, I walked towards overly-gay Dupont Circle. Normally, this would have been an uneventful journey. But I apparently looked especially good in my khakis in the sweltering heat. I have no explanation for what followed.

Some dude rode by me on his bike. The guy looked like an effeminate, well-groomed latino who is possibly gay. In other words: Alex Rodriguez. He sort of stared at me and I tried to diffuse the situation by giving him the old head nod. Official male speak for: I acknowledge your presence, now move on. As I continued walking, I stared straight ahead as if my life depended on it. No dice. The guy was still riding next to me. This was not good.

A few seconds into this uncomfortable situation, it got worse. He started talking to me and I couldn't play it off like I either didn't hear him or know he was talking to me. The conversation went something like this:

A-Rod: "Do ju go to school aroun here?"

Me: "No."

A-Rod: "Ju look yoost like dees guy who I do sculpture with." [Leering at my body. Literally looking me up and down.]

Me: "Sorry, not me."

A-Rod: "Ju look yoost like him. Ju have to be theen, but not too theen. Ju do sculpture." [Still looking me up and down.]

Me: [Uncomfortably horrified silence]

A-Rod: "So what do ju say? Would ju like to do something like thees?"

Me: "No thanks." [Practically running away at this point]

With that, he luckily dropped the subject or possibly realized I'm not gay, and rode off. Even though all I wanted to do was take a shower, I persevered and got my Julia's Empanadas like a real man.

Tomorrow night I will be making up for all the heterosexuality I've been deprived of over the last 6 months. I'm not sure what that means, but there will definitely be a lot of high fives involved. By the time I get back, I need to have extra heterosexuality in reserves because this job is starting to drive me crazy.

For the love of Pete, someone help me get out of there!