Thursday, June 01, 2006

Vegas, baby.

Tomorrow I'm off to fabulous Las Vegas for one of the most heterosexual rites of passage known to modern man: the Vegas bachelor party. Sure, I'm as broke as JJ Evans, but its well worth cashing in some Bar Mitzvah bonds to take this much needed break from DC.

Today reminded me of just how much I need to see some silicone-filled mammaries while throwing back warm shots of Cuervo. As I escaped from my overly-gay temping gig for lunch, I walked towards overly-gay Dupont Circle. Normally, this would have been an uneventful journey. But I apparently looked especially good in my khakis in the sweltering heat. I have no explanation for what followed.

Some dude rode by me on his bike. The guy looked like an effeminate, well-groomed latino who is possibly gay. In other words: Alex Rodriguez. He sort of stared at me and I tried to diffuse the situation by giving him the old head nod. Official male speak for: I acknowledge your presence, now move on. As I continued walking, I stared straight ahead as if my life depended on it. No dice. The guy was still riding next to me. This was not good.

A few seconds into this uncomfortable situation, it got worse. He started talking to me and I couldn't play it off like I either didn't hear him or know he was talking to me. The conversation went something like this:

A-Rod: "Do ju go to school aroun here?"

Me: "No."

A-Rod: "Ju look yoost like dees guy who I do sculpture with." [Leering at my body. Literally looking me up and down.]

Me: "Sorry, not me."

A-Rod: "Ju look yoost like him. Ju have to be theen, but not too theen. Ju do sculpture." [Still looking me up and down.]

Me: [Uncomfortably horrified silence]

A-Rod: "So what do ju say? Would ju like to do something like thees?"

Me: "No thanks." [Practically running away at this point]

With that, he luckily dropped the subject or possibly realized I'm not gay, and rode off. Even though all I wanted to do was take a shower, I persevered and got my Julia's Empanadas like a real man.

Tomorrow night I will be making up for all the heterosexuality I've been deprived of over the last 6 months. I'm not sure what that means, but there will definitely be a lot of high fives involved. By the time I get back, I need to have extra heterosexuality in reserves because this job is starting to drive me crazy.

For the love of Pete, someone help me get out of there!