Sunday, October 30, 2005


These football picks are not all that much fun, so here's the quick and dirty list again. My record in the NFL this year is (45-53-2). Not too impressive. But the news isn't all bad. I have some great Halloween pics from last night that I will be posting later. So look forward to that. As for now, here are the football pics.

Washington (+2)
Cincy (-8)
Chicago (+3)
Carolina (-8)
Oakland (-1.5) *****lock of the week*******
Arizona (+9)
Cleveland (+2)
New Orleans (-2)
Jacksonville (-3.5)
K.C. (+6)
San Fran (+11)
Denver (-3.5)
New England (-8)
Pittsburgh (-9)

Monday, October 24, 2005

My name is Catheter Man

Someone told me Friday that Earl, the main character from My Name is Earl, reminds him of me. I'm not sure what to make of that.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Touchdown, Catheter Man

All my life I have wanted to score a touchdown in something other than a pickup football game. I have always had great hands (I probably catch at least 90% of the balls thrown to me), but my weight problem usually makes people think I can play nothing but line.

In high school I wanted to try out for tight end on our football team. One reason was that I didn't really want to play offensive line (and being around 5'11, 175 lbs, I probably shouldn't have been anywhere near the line). The second reason was that 2 of the other 3 guys trying out for tight end started on defense as well, so it stands to reason that they could be tired from time to time. Furthermore, it was freaking summer practices. What did the coach have to lose by letting me try out? The worst that happens is I make a fool of myself and go back to the line.

So I went over to the coach that was practicing with the other TEs. The other guys seemed kind of psyched to see me. They were like, "[Catheter Man] you're going to play tight end?" I asked the coach if I could try out. He asked me if the other coach sent me over and being stupidly honest, as I usually am, I said no. He said, "You should go back to the line." I had to protest, "But I have really good hands." Without even throwing me a pass, the coach said, "We have enough tight ends." And with that my tight end career was over before it began.

I did learn something from playing on that football team however. Half the battle is looking the part. The coaches were dumb enough to believe that if you had big pads, you were good. It makes no sense, but that is the way it went. Then there is always the theory of relativity: if your brother was good, you must be good. But I digress.

When I started playing on my rec team, I remembered the "look the part" rule and chose the jersey number 6. I don't know why I chose that particular number, but I figured if I had a single digit number, I would look more like a receiver, even though I would be playing line (although lineman are eligible to catch in this league, so I'm really more of a tight end). That season I caught a few passes (all that were thrown to me), but I still wasn't getting the looks I should have.

This season, I'm at my best "look the part" shape of my life. I'm down to about 160 (probably the lightest lineman in the league) and I chose the number 81. I have been averaging about 2.5 catches a game, with only one or two drops that I should have caught.

Today, the defensive lineman across from me was really bad. He was not going to get to our quarterback, so a few times I just took off down the field and tried to find an open spot. One of these times I was wide open and the qb threw it to me. About 2 feet in front of the end zone I caught it and walked right in for my first touchdown ever. It kind of looked like this:

Ahh, sweet redemption.

Quick Picks

I don't have the time right now to figure out my record, so I'll get back to that next week. For now, here are the quick and dirty picks.

Rams (-3)
Packers (+1)
Colts (-14.5)
Bengals (-1)
Chargers (+4)
Browns (-3)
49ers (+13.5)
Cowboys (+4.5)
Raiders (-3)
Ravens (+1.5)
Titans (+5.5)
Giants (-2.5)
Falcons (-7)

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Shop Teacher: The Legend of Mr. Peebles

In middle school, it was the first time we got to take "elective" subjects, such as Gym, Home Economics, and Wood Shop. Gym every day was great except for the mandatory square dancing unit. I was pretty good at the cooking part of home ec, but I made perhaps the worst crafted pillow in history when I was forced to use the sewing machine for the first time. Wood shop was something I was looking forward to. Our wood shop classes were located in the basement of the school by themselves. The man who presumably spent his entire career in this dungeon was Mr. Peebles. He was nothing short of a legend in the school.

Mr. Peebles was a middle aged black guy who weighed somewhere in the 250-300 pound range. He wore thick army-issue glasses and sort of mumbled to himself all the time. Since we were all pretty young, the main tool we used in class was the coping saw. Mr. Peebles' favorite phrase was undoubtedly: "Ya gotta have da copin' saw." Followed by, "Dees kids [unintelligible] playin' wit da hand tools."

Mr. Peebles was always sort of a mystery to us. There was a rumor swirling around that he had once played professional football for the Cleveland Browns. Massive head trauma would be one explanation for his unique speaking style. One of my friends supposedly asked him about it and he reportedly got really angry and slammed his fists into a locker.

However, the best Mr. Peebles story is this: one day he was not in class. The story we got was that he was working after school the previous day and had sawed his thumb off using the band saw. He would not be returning for the rest of the semester. Due to this fact (and that the school apparently could not find anyone as competent as Mr. Peebles to supervise us and our coping saws), we had a parade of substitute teachers who would show us movies every day during class. It was during this time that I developed my true love for the movie: Airplane! I am actually kind of shocked that we got away with watching this (because of the brief nudity) because just a year or two earlier, the housewife mafia nixed a showing of Ernest Goes to Camp in my elementary school because it was PG and not G rated. I had to suffer through The Apple Blossom Gang instead (look it up, its horrible).

I don't think I ever saw Mr. Peebles again. I had a different shop teacher the next year and then I was off to high school. But this Bud's for you Mr. Peebles, A real man of genius. Not in those words salutes you, Mr. Middle School Wood Shop teacher. You teach kids with no mechanical ability to make the finest in keychains and cutting boards. You gotta have the copin' saw now! We don't know what you used to do, but we won't ask because you might get angry. Don't ask about the Browns! You might preach about safety, but you sawed off your thumb and didn't come back for the rest of the semester. Someone call an ambulance! So for being the perfect embodiment of "Do as I say, not as I do," here's to you Mr. Middle School Wood Shop Teacher. Mr. Middle School Wood Shop Teacher.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Kristen, where art thou?

There are only about 20 Sundays a year dedicated to the art of football watching. For the past two, we have been going to Union Jack's in Bethesda. Last week, it was pretty much everything you could have wanted in a bar (save for some shoddy service during the 4:00 games due to what one of the staff members admitted was their busiest day ever). At the very least, this bar was a pair of queens to Caddies' 2-7 offsuit.

Today I arrived at my seat literally at the 1:00 kickoff. The J man and Ike already had their fries and drinks, so I did not expect anything to be amiss with our service. Much like last week, the bar was sparsely populated during the early games. Our waitress shows up to ask my drink order and give me a menu. At about 1:15 I ordered a George Burger, medium rare. I had just played a game of touch football on an empty stomach, so I was pretty hungry. Then I waited.

I should have known something was wrong when I overheard the waitress apologizing to the table next to us because she "totally forgot" their chicken tenders. But I wasn't too worried. It was only about 1:30. Even burgers can take a long time at a bar when everyone orders at the same time.

At about 1:45, it became clear that our waitress might actually have Down Syndrome. My burger was nowhere to be found even though just about everyone else in the place was eating. One waitress came over and asked if we were using our Ketchup. I said I'd trade it to her for a burger.

At 2:00, Ike called the waitress out on it. I believe the exact wording was "He ordered a burger 45 minutes ago and its not here yet." I basically wanted to kick her teeth in (which probably would have made her look better).

2:15 rolled around and we had to tell the manager that I ordered a burger an hour ago and it still wasn't there, despite telling our stupid waitress about it about 15 minutes ago.

Finally, around 2:30 I finally got my burger. The manager said it was free because of how rediculous it was that I had to wait that long. Also, our waitress was mysteriously moved to the other side of the restaurant. Now I was finally ready for my sweet, sweet lunch. But here is basically what I got:

Not only was the burger lukewarm, it was fucking RAW in the middle. By this time I was so pissed and hungry that I just ate it anyway. Now I'll probably get mad cow disease. Not only that, but when I looked for the lettuce, tomato, and onion that they give you on the side, I definitely got the worst possible tomato and onion. They both had an approximate diameter of half an inch and were about 1 millimeter thick.

This is the second time this season that we've had a terrible waitress at a sports bar. I don't get it.

NFL Picks

NFL Picks (9-5) this week, (33-40-1) on the year

The Costanza Theory worked last week. This week, I'm going normal again.

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh (-3)
Miami (+4.5) at Tampa Bay
Cleveland (+5) at Baltimore
Atlanta (-4.5) at New Orleans
Minnesota at Chicago (-3)
NY Giants (+3.5) at Dallas
Carolina (-1) at Detroit
Cincinnati (-3) at Tennessee
Washington (+6) at Kansas City
New England (+3) at Denver
NY Jets at Buffalo (-3)
San Diego (-2) at Oakland
Houston (+9.5) at Seattle
St. Louis (-13.5) at Indianapolis

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Pix (ure pages)

Remember Picture Pages? Bill Cosby and that stupid magic marker. I just thought about that for the first time in I don't know how long. Anyway, even though I didn't go to services this past week, I survived last night despite being pegged in the head by a cell phone (I guess we're even for the concussion I gave you during the after Prom party, Zack). Here are the picks. And just for shits and giggles, a picture of Uncle Rico.

College Picks
(0-2) this week, (5-5) on the year
Terrible week last week as I not only lost both games, but also Wyoming's streak of beating the spread came to an end.

New Mexico at Wyoming (-7) -- I don't care if I jinxed them last week, I'm getting back on the Wyoming train.

UNLV at Air Force (-7.5) -- I know nothing about these teams. My preferred sports book site is acting up so I am just going to post this and finish with the NFL picks at a later time today.

Peace out Napolean.

NFL (9-5) this week, (33-40-1) on the year

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

The Opiate of the Masses

Seeing that title in print kind of makes me wish I had used it as my blog title or at least the byline. That is not the point of this post, however. In case you don't live in New York, Miami, California, DC, Chicago, or any of the other 3 places where Jews live in this country, you may not be aware but today is Yom Kippur. Actually, it starts tonight with a fun-filled long ass service and continues tomorrow with another long ass service. Just to make it an extra great holiday, you are supposed to fast from sundown today until sundown tomorrow. If you can't tell, I do not like this "holiday." In fact, I don't like any Jewish holidays.

Ever since I have had a choice in the matter (when I went to college), I have not "celebrated" the Jewish holidays. To be fair, most Jews don't celebrate any of the holidays except for Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. I just choose to keep it real. Hey, if you are not going to really follow this religion, go all the way with it. In a perfect world, every meal I eat would have bacon on it (by the way, we were driving in some ass backwards area of Virginia today and saw a sign for the most unkosher meal ever: a ham and oyster dinner).

Rosh Hashana is the celebration of the Jewish new year. Hell, I'm all for New Year's celebrations, but I prefer getting hammered and kissing someone (preferably female) at midnight, not having to put on a suit and "praying" while intermittantly standing up for uncomfortable periods of time. Furthermore, why the hell is New Year's a religious holiday for the Jews? There is nothing religious about it. Essentially, we're celebrating the great event of "tomorrow." So I have no qualms about skipping this holiday.

That brings us to Yom Kippur. As if all of us didn't have Jewish mothers, now we need to have a holiday devoted to making you feel bad about yourself? No thank you. This holiday is actually supposed to be the day of atonement, where you "atone" for your sins for the past year. So here's your heaping serving of guilt, served with a side dish of boredom, and a bowl of fasting for dessert. Whats more, you are expected to take off of work to go to services, because in America, the Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur are apparently not federal holidays. Screw you, Sandy Koufax. You ruined it for all of us non-observant Jews.

Here's the thing: I don't believe in organized religion. I'm sure it comforts some people, but mostly its used by a few in power to gain more power and/or cause destruction. I'm not saying that religions don't have their good aspects. If people actually followed the behavioral rules, the world would probably be a much better place, but usually those are even corrupted for political gain. I believe in Truth.

What the Jewish religion needs is some good PR and event planning people. The Jews have produced some of the funniest and most talented entertainers in the world, but we don't have one good holiday? Come on, we can do better than that. You don't have to give me Christmas. I realize that its taken 2000 years to bring it up to its current levels (which, by the way, is just one notch above obnoxious). But give me a Halloween. Give me a St. Patrick's Day. Give me a Martin Luther King Day. Something where you don't go to services and instead have fun.

So to all those who may be angry at me for going to work instead of services tomorrow, I would argue that I am just being an orthodox agnostic, rather than a non-religous jew who goes to services twice a year.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Football Picks -- Get Rich or Tie Drying

I'm starting to see a distinct pattern with my picks: I'm good at college and bad at the NFL. As an experiment this week, I'm going to pick the opposite of who I think will win in the NFL games; Costanza Style. By the way, I have no idea if I used that semicolon correctly. Does anyone know how to use a semicolon? Does anyone know how to use a bartolocolon? Onto the picks...

College Picks
(1-1) last week, (5-3) for the year

Ohio State (-3) at Penn State -- Sure, Penn State is undefeated and the Fuckeyes always seem to lose in Happy Valley, but OSU is one of the best teams in the country and Penn State has two good players. Ohio State might blow them out.

TCU at Wyoming (-6.5) -- I doubted Wyoming last week when they were giving 18 points. They won by 25. I think they are 21-0 against the spread in their last 21 games, so I'm going to ride them for another week. This is definitely the best team I have never seen play.

NFL Picks -- Remember, I'm picking the opposite of what I say in the explanation.
(5-9) last week, (24-35-1) for the year

Tampa Bay at NY Jets (+3.5) -- There should be no way in Hell's Kitchen that the Jets can win this game with Vinny GreenBalls at the helm.

Seattle (+3) at St. Louis -- Seattle took a pounding from the Skins last week and could be without their top 2 WRs. This game also features two of the worst coaches in the NFL trying to figure out ways to lose against eachother. This game is going to be close, so I think its really a pick 'em. That being said, Sean Alexander could always explode for 4 TDs on any given week. The Rams D is just the type he likes to destroy.

New Orleans at Green Bay (-3) -- Stick a fork in the Pack. They are terrible. Ahman Green's yearly injury looks like its setting in and New Orleans is coming off their first "home" victoy. Should be a cakewalk for Brooks and the Saints.

Chicago at Cleveland (-3) -- Chicago can win on the road if their defense can shut down Cleveland. That shouldn't be hard considering the highlight of the Browns' season was Frisman Jackson's week one perfomance. Bears win.

Baltimore (+1.5) at Detroit -- Why exactly is Detroit giving points in this one? Baltimore's QB situation might stink worse than a dirty diaper filled with Indian food, but come on. I can't pick Detroit here, even with the Costanza theory.

New England at Atlanta (-3) -- Vick is hurt and New England is hurting for a win. The Pats should be able to slow down Dunn and Duckett, especially if Vick still plays.

Tennessee at Houston (-3) -- Everyone is saying that this is the week that Houston will finally get on track offensively. That is why I say that this is the week that the Titans get on track offensively and lay the smack down on Carr's candy ass.

Miami at Buffalo (-2.5)-- This game is a real stinker. Normally I would pick Miami because their D should be able to stop whoever is running the Bills offense, plus they had a week off to pepare. Therefore, Buffalo will win.

Indianapolis (-14) at San Francisco -- This is another one I can't pick with my Costanza theory. There is no way SF is even close in this one.

Carolina at Arizona (+2.5) -- Carolina should be able to run all over the Cards. I think they are getting too much credit for their win last week. I'd like to see McCown do that two weeks in a row.

Washington at Denver (-7) -- Seeing as all of Washington's games have been close thus far and the fact that they have not allowed a 100 yard rusher in the past 8 games, I would pick the Skins to at least keep it close, if not win this game outright. But this week I'm going with Denver, if only to keep my streak of betting against the Skins alive so that they keep winning. I hope they can become the worst 4-0 team ever.

Philadelphia at Dallas (+3.5) -- Philly should crush Dallas in this game even if McNupid is hurt.

Cincinnati at Jacksonville (-2.5) -- Roll on Cincy Bandwagon, roll on.

Pittsburgh (+3) at San Diego -- I like San Diego at home to beat an overrated Steelers squad.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Thank you, drive through...

Today the J man and I were out in the middle of nowhere when we wanted to get some lunch. Since Monopoly has returned at McDonald's, we wanted to stop there. Last year I won a free year of Netflix by eating way too much McDonald's, so I figure I need to give it another shot.

When we got to the McDonald's it was around 1:30 or 2, so we didn't expect much of a crowd. We walked in and were horrified to see the situation: 1 cashier -- 10 customers in one line. If it were not for Monopoly, we probably would have walked right out of there and into Wendy's (and that is saying a lot because I hate Wendy's [they put mayo on everything and they don't melt their cheese]). Facing the prospect of waiting a good 10-15 minutes to get "fast" food, we decided to pull off the greatest move in McDonald's history.

We got back in the van, went through the drive thru, got our food, parked, and went back inside McDonald's to eat. The woman who was originally in front of us in line was still about 7 people deep. Score! Plus, they tried to get cheap on us with the McNugget sauces at the drive thru (in other words, even though I got a 5 piece chicken selects and the J man got a 10 piece nuggets, they didn't give us any sauces... bitches) so we had to go back in.

Eat that, understaffed McDonald's!