Catheter Man's 5 Point Plan for Summer Blockbusters

I love the movies. Let me just get that out of the way. I wish there was something I wanted to see every week so I could slip into a padded seat, immerse myself in darkness, and fart away. I will not, however, go to the movies for the sake of going to the movies. That is to say that I have standards. Rules, if you will (and I know that you will). Never has there been a more apropos time to bequeath these rules to the masses. The old studio system has resigned to sit back on its laurels and churn out big budget drivel that idiot America laps up with a spoon. Well not this blogger. You'll have to do more than that to earn my ten bucks. So without further ado, I give you Catheter Man's 5 Point Plan for Summer Blockbusters.

1) I will not see any movie based on a comic book

This rule comes to us courtesy of every movie released after Batman 1. That movie was cool. Of course, I (along with America) was also in my Michael Keaton phase at the time, so my judgment could have been a little off. But somehow in the course of the Batman series, we went from Jack Nicholson to Danny DeVito to Jim Carrey and from Michael Keaton to Val Kilmer to George Clooney. As you can tell, they are barely even trying anymore.

I'm also sure that there have probably been good movies based on comic books that have come out since then (Men in Black), but they are few and far between. Men in Black is the perfect segue to our next rule...

2) I will not see any sequels, prequels, threequels, or any other kind of 'quel

If anyone else saw Men in Black 2, you know just how horrible an idea a sequel can be. That movie felt like an hour and a half long abortion performed through my eye socket (I bet you won't find Roger Ebert giving that review). All of the Star Wars prequels were excrement. The only movie that could be considered a sequel that I actually enjoyed was Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and that was not really a sequel. It was more loosely based on some of Kevin Smith's earlier works. Of course, as we speak, Clerks 2 is coming out. Blech. In this day and age, sequels rarely, if ever, live up to the original and I will not see them.

3) I will not see any remake

This one should go without saying. I didn't want to see King Kong when it was black and white and had a claymation ape. I didn't want to see it the first time they remade it and the special effects were a little better. And I still don't want to see it when everything is done with computers.

Am I the only one who thinks that CGI ruins movies? Part of the reason why the original Star Wars was so cool is that they had real (albeit model-sized) spaceships blowing up. When I can tell everything has been done on a computer, the special effect doesn't seem so special to me. I might as well be watching cartoons. But I digress.

Remakes are lame. Most of the time the original is a classic and there is no point in trying to make it better. And if the movie wasn't that great to begin with, why would anyone want to see it now that it stars Vince Vaughn? I don't get it.

4) Explosions, car chases, and shootouts are stupid

Seriously. We've all seen these things a million times before. Its called every James Bond movie ever. Unless you bring something original to the table, like a pregnant dwarf driving a '39 Buick with a Yeti and all of the characters from Herman's Head in the back seat, shooting a laser guided hamster bazooka at the Guinness Book of World Records fat twins on scooters, then spare me.

5) I will not see any movie starring anyone who is currently on the cover of Us Weekly

Again, this should go without saying. The people that are on the cover of those magazines are not good actors. They are the "beautiful people." And if Revenge of the Nerds taught us anything, its that the beautiful people can be defeated. The first step is boycotting their crappy movies. I'm reasonably confident that anyone with half a nutsack can't name one Jennifer Aniston movie besides Office Space.

So there you have it. Sure, this plan can't hold a candle to Mike Damone's 5 point plan, but it is guaranteed to get you through the summer without wishing you had used your 10 dollars for a toothy hummer from a crackhead rather than mindlessly forking it over to the movie studios or the "Church" of Scientology. I'm not sure if that last statement even made any sense grammatically, but you get the idea. Until next time, America.