Sunday, January 29, 2006

Not in those words...Official Blog of The Super Bowl

You know what really grinds my gears? All these ads having to use "the big game" instead of the Super Bowl. It is so dumb that Best Buy has to say "It will be delivered in time for the big game" rather than say what we all know they mean -- Superbowl Sunday. NFL people listen to me. Nobody thinks there is any endorsement, implied or otherwise, if a company uses the words "Super Bowl" in their ads. Stop being so stupid, assfaces.

Back to you, Tom.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Back on the Chain Gang (temporarily)

Editor's Note:
The following was taken from my daily thoughts while filing "TPS reports" for the office where I am currently day laboring (temping).

I can already feel it. After less than a week on the job, the loathing and politics characteristic of so many a workplace have already revealed themselves, as if by osmosis. Do all the same stock characters come with every office? Is there some catalog where misery can be carefully selected by invoice number? Isn't office dysfunction the real reason I fled my last job like corporate greedsanity is a communicable disease? When you're in the shit, you're in full battle mode. 100 yard stare. Fight or flight. All that. Since I'm not really financially or emotionally vested in this place, I can see the score.

There is dissention in the ranks here. Corporate politics have reared their ugly head, even in a company set up to do so much good for the world. Evil is a powerful motherfucker. I can sense that there are major problems with the divisions between the classes that interfere with and perhaps completely handicap this organization's ability to function cohesively and accomplish all it can.

Looking up from the bottom of the lower class (the workers), I can see that my department is pretty efficient at what it does. After three days here, I feel as though I could handle any job in the place. Most of my platoon is content with what they are doing and handle their responsibilities quite well.

Enter management. A woman whom I've never dared to look directly at, for fear that the beast will somehow emit from her soul like tentacles and crush my will to live. In what has become my expectation of all managers, she, rather than running the department using common sense, logic, business acumen, and courteousness, lives in the typical Manager's Bubble, and has created a situation in which the staff not only dislikes her, but does not respect her either.

The manager's signature moves are standard. Calling a meeting for 1:00 and then sending someone down to say she needs another 15 minutes, before finally gracing the department with her presence at 1:45. This move, whether intentional or not (although the more often it occurs, the more intentional it seems), shows a complete lack of common courtesy and professionalism at the very least. At most, it is a passive-aggressive power play to somehow show that "my time is important and yours is not."

Another, more advanced move is undermining not only a subordinate's confidence and ability to perform their duties, but also any chance of them gaining valuable skills that could one day prove useful and allow them to get promoted. Rather than trusting the staff currently in place to handle an assignment they have already been spearheading and would like to continue with, the Manager has decided that "no, no, that would be giving you some power and I want it all to myself." The Manager is trying to bring in a consultant to perform the duties that are in the job description of a current staff member.

But I can't blame the Manager, as she is only a cog in the system. "I was only following orders" has become the American corporate mantra. The system is broken and if Manager wasn't there to fill that role someone else would be.

The company's culture didn't seem all that suspect until I (along with everyone else in the office) received an email that proved all jobs are the same. Since the internet connection is excruciatingly slow sometimes, rather than pony up the money to get a faster connection (however that can be done), the company decided that people were spending too much time doing personal things on the internet, such as shopping, looking for housing, and (gasp!) checking their personal email accounts.

I understand that people are there to work, not play on the internet, but there is a point at which the normal person can use his discretion. Everyone knows if he or she is spending too much time not working. Most people choose not to cross that line. But sometimes, management finds it necessary to end those little conveniences that make office life more pleasant. At my old job, they went so far as to start blocking websites that they deemed "inappropriate" without even informing anyone of the criteria. Luckily, I don't think the IT department at this company is that proficient.

But you know me. I can't complain.

In all actuality, I am almost living the dream right now. I have my own desk, computer, phone, and even a cubicle...with a window! I work normal hours. I don't have a long commute. I'm not treated like crap. I like the people I work with. I'm making ok money. And I'm doing something for the betterment of society. Aside from Neil Weisman moving in two days early, the only problem is that its all going to end quite soon.

When it does end, I'll tell you about some of the more funny things about the place.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

The final anniversary of Roe v. Wade

Today marks the 33rd anniversary of the Supreme Court's landmark decision in Roe v. Wade. In my estimation it will be the last time (or at least close to the last time) that the decision will stand. Unfortunately for any women in the "red" states, you will probably no longer be able to decide what happens in your own body. Even if having the baby is a threat to your own life.

The course of events that will lead up to the impending overruling of this decision were set into motion when George W. was re-elected. Ironically, Bin Laden just came out with a new mix tape to prove what a terrible President this jackass has been [remember Wanted: Dead or Alive? that was about 4.5 years ago]. Anyway, aside from his corruption, cronyism, awful foreign and domestic policies, the most dangerous thing this president has done is stock the Supreme Court with two more ultra conservative justices.

The thing about the presidency is that it will end. In 2008, there will be someone else at the helm of our ship (god help us if its Cunnilingus Rice or Hillary Clinton) and while W's terms have pretty much been a train wreck, most of what he's done can be fixed by the next president. Furthermore, since a president can't make or interpret the laws of the country, he can't really force all Americans to become born again Christians (for example [as I'm sure he'd like to do {if he actually is a born again and that wasn't just made up for political gain}]). The most potentially lasting and dangerous thing a president can do is appoint a Supreme Court Justice and unfortunately for those of use who believe in things like evolution and the separation of church and state, W has gotten to appoint two.

When the founding fathers of this country envisioned the Supreme Court, they believed that the Justices should not be encumbered by having to run for the office. The idea is that judges should not make decisions based on what is popular or politically advantageous to themselves. They should make their decisions based on the law and the evidence before them. What the founding fathers did not foresee is that due to the lifetime tenure of the Supreme Court Justice, a party in power can appoint idealogues or party shills to the post, rather than the best or most qualified judge in the land.

But, as a Constitutional scholar, I know that the president is under no obligation to appoint the best or most qualified judge in the land. A Supreme Court Justice does not have to be a judge at all. They don't even need to be lawyers. Bush could have appointed Brownie from the Hurricane Katrina disaster and America probably would have had to sit by and watch him get confirmed. This is why the nominations and subsequent confirmations of Roberts and Alito are so troubling.

Just last week, we got a taste of what the foreseeable future will hold under the Roberts Court. The Court blocked the Bush administration's attempt to punish Doctors in Oregon who help terminally ill patients die (Jesus said you have to suffer, silly!). The holding of the Court is not surprising, but what is telling are the justices who dissented in this ruling. I bet you could have guessed that they were Scalia, Thomas, and Roberts. When Alito gets confirmed, the religious right will have an automatic 4 Justice block of votes ready to rule for them. This is the tragedy of the George W. Bush presidency. And that, my friends, is saying a lot.

So this brings me back to Roe v. Wade. Ladies, get your abortions now, because all the Court will need to overturn that decision is one more vote (since you already know how Scalia, Roberts, Thomas, and Alito are voting) out of the remaining 5 Justices. And abortion is just the decision we know they want to overturn. Who knows what other decisions this voting block will make? But as the confirmation of Alito draws nearer and nearer, America takes one step further away from its democratic roots and one step closer to becoming a corporate theocracy.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

You heard it here first

Being a straight male, I really don't get the obsession with Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. I mean, who cares? Really.

But I think I have stumbled onto something. Something big. Seeing as Jolie is pregnant with Pitt's demonic seed, and she is probably about 3 months pregnant (according to some hastily done internet research), I have a theory.

The baby is the Antichrist. Think about it. Look for the birth of the devil child on June 6th of this year. In other words... 6/6/06.

Oh Lord Lucifer Pitt-Jolie, I am your humble servant.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

A note to Mayor Nagin

I'd keep your desire to establish new New Orleans as a "Chocolate" city on the d.l. Take it from a DC resident, if your city becomes any more chocolatey, you're likely to lose your congressional representation.

Top 10 Family Guy Characters

I haven't done a Top 10 list in a while and I thought this one would be apropos. Family Guy is the funniest show on TV and since a show is only as good as its characters, I will now give you my top 10 favorites.

10) Jasper

Jasper is Brian's gay cousin who lives in LA and works at Club Med.

9) Death

First voiced by Norm McDonald and then Adam Carolla, death is usually a pretty funny guest star on the show.

8) Brian

Brian is a martini-drinking, Prius-driving dog who is often the only voice of sanity in the Griffin household.

7) Mort Goldman

Voiced by the famous Johnny Brennan of the Jerky Boys, Mort has a distinct similarity to Sol Goldberg. Mort is also pretty much afraid of everything.

6) Tom Tucker's upside down head son

He's usually not that funny, but the whole concept of being born with an upside down head is just hilarious to me.

5) Peter Griffin

If Homer Simpson was always at his dumbest, most offensive, and without conscience, you would get Peter Griffin.

4) Stewie Griffin

Stewie is best described as an evil, crotchety old man trapped in a baby's body. We're not really sure if anyone can understand him when he speaks (except Brian usually) or if he's gay.

3) Glenn Quagmire

Quahog's resident pervert, Quagmire is always good for innuendo and general sexual hilarity.

2) Herbert, the pedophile

Perhaps the creepiest character in TV history, Herbert has an unhealthy obsession with Chris Griffin. In one of Family Guy's funniest moments, Herbert sings "Somewhere that's green" from Little Shop of Horrors and imagines his perfect life with Chris.

1) Greased up naked deaf guy

A casualty of the demise of Happy Go Lucky Toy Company, we learn that he was a former lawyer, whose life has been ruined by cocaine.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Done and done

Gregg Williams deserves every penny of the $8 million dollar deal he got a couple of weeks ago. Not until this week did a team totally expose the Redskins defense for what it is: a very good defense with a well below average front four. Williams was able to hide the collection of castoffs and second stringers with blitzes and stunts for the last two months, but Seattle showed the world why a team can't neglect a glaring need such as a pass rushing defensive end for 10 years. Matt Hasselback couldn't have had more time to throw the ball today. All the Redskins could muster was a pass rush about as effective as a typical game of "500."

The Skins simply must use their first draft pick on a defensive end. Of course, the Redskins were forced to waste their first round draft pick this year in order to move up and draft a quarterback who may never start in DC. So we're looking at the end of the second round, a territory where most of the stars like Kiwianuka (or however you spell it) will be long gone. Unfortunately, the Redskins also desperately need a second wide receiver. Preferably one who is taller than I am. So we could go that way with our first pick. And if history is any indication, we'll look at every other position than the one we need most: defensive end.

Even though I don't think the Redskins are good, I can't help but be disappointed in the effort shown in Seattle. When Shaun Alexander left the game, the score was 0-0. It might have been the best thing that could have happened for the Seahawks because Hasselback decided to throw the ball about 80% of the time from then on. With absolutely zero pass rush, he was able to connect with his receivers at will. Even with three turnovers by Seattle, the Skins could not take the lead because Seattle had no problem moving the ball. Without the NFL MVP.

This simply cannot continue to happen every year. Gibbs' teams in the 80's had Mann and Manley. These Redskins don't even have a guy who could hold Dexter Manley's coke vial. Either draft or sign a LEGITIMATE defensive end this season or we will not be a good team. And if we can make it to the second round of the playoffs with as flawed a team as we fielded this year, imagine what would happen if we had a pass rush.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Marion Barry is back on the white horse

DC's former crackhead Mayor is at it again.

Sure, we gambled and had poutine, but...

Why the F didn't I know about this when I was in college?

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

I wish I was Samoan

I bet if I was Samoan, I'd have a job by now (or at least some kick-ass tattoos).

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

The Vomit Comet

If there is one thing that's always funny, its farting. But if there is one other thing that is always funny, its vomit. You may not believe me, but I really don't watch that much tv during the day when I'm "looking for jobs." However, I do watch a lot of tv at night. What does this have to do with vomit? Well, in the past couple of days, I saw perhaps two of the most disturbing/disgusting/hilarious vomit television moments in history.

Moment #1

The show is called Intervention. Every week, they have two separate stories about addicts and then their families stage an intervention at the end of the show. Usually it is some crackhead or alcoholic, but this week one of the stories was about a bulemic. I can't really do it justice, but imagine this scenario. Bulemic and her fat husband go to an all you can eat pizza place, where they proceed to stuff their faces. Bulemic races home in order to get there before her husband so she can "call the dinosaurs." What she does next is genuinely unbelievable.

Bulemic goes into her walk in closet and pukes her entire meal into a one gallon zip lock bag. But wait, there's more. She then hides the bag behind her clothes. Why does she do this? She explains that she is afraid that the toilet will get backed up and she'll be found out. But wait, there's more. She waits a week before cleaning out the closet. The next time we see her, she's filling up a cardboard box with a week's worth of puke-filled, one gallon bags. She then takes this box to an open dumpster, where she disposes of the evidence.

I know what you're thinking. Now that's good tv!

Moment #2

I watched an old Viva La Bam, in which Dunn bets Bam that he can beat Bam in a car race. Dunn then calls in the reinforcements. The Bloodhound Gang shows up and steals Bam's Lamborghini. Dunn soups up a limo for the race, complete with nitrous. Bam eventually finds the Lambo and wins the race. Dunn claims that the engine blew, but I think it had to do with the fact that Don Vito was in the back of the limo, eating a 3 foot hoagie.

Anyway, as punishment for losing, Dunn was supposed to kiss Raab Himself at the bar they were hanging out at. Dunn said he wouldn't so that, so Bam told him he had to make him either laugh or puke in order to pay up on the bet. Dunn then gets some nasty ass woman to come over and suck on Don Vito's disgusting yellow toenail. Well, this was too much for Bam, who pukes right on Don Vito's foot. Jimmy Pop from the Bloodhound Gang follows suit. The show ends with a close up of Vito's nasty foot covered in puke.

Now, who wants dinner?

Monday, January 09, 2006

It Begins (again)

Well, as I predicted, I didn't get that job with the company where the interviewer pulled the classic wait-a-long-time-to-get-back-to-me-so-I-have-the-chance-to-get-another-job-or-forget-about-this-one technique. Little did she know that I have so few options that I would not get another job or forget about that one in 3 weeks. I called there the day after she was supposed to get back to me, only to get the temp on the phone, who said she was away and she would call me back the next day. When that didn't happen, I called again during regular business hours and this time nobody picked up. Good times. Predictably, she emailed me later and said that she had gone with another person. No shit. She did say that I was her second choice, but I'm not sure I believe her. So its back to the drawing board. Except that I don't have a drawing board.

I needed to come up with a new plan. And fast. I randomly found some company on the internets that was having a career fair on Saturday and seeing as I had no plans other than watching the Redskins game at 4, I decided that I could take a shot at this job.

The fair was held at a hotel and much to my disappointment, unlike any other fair I've been to, did not have any carneys, funnel cake, or even a freak show. I had to go pretty early because I needed to stop at Kinko's to print out the application because my printer decided it doesn't want to acknowledge that it has paper in the tray. PC Load Letter? What the fuck does that mean?!?! So I'm there extra early and they tell me to go in this conference room to watch a presentation.

The conference room had about 80 chairs set up in front of a drop down screen that was connected to a laptop. There were probably about 5 people in the audience and much like school, nobody was sitting in the front. The woman at the front of the room was talking about the company while displaying a power point presentation. she kept talking about how much you could make and how the company promotes from within, and all the benefits of working there. I was quite taken aback, as I've only worked at places that tried to screw the empoyees. It was all very J.T. Marlinesque, except she never showed us the keys to her Ferrari. After she finished the presentation, some of the people were taken for their interviews. Due to the fact that I was so early, I got to sit there and see the presentation again later.

After about 45 minutes, someone finally came in to tell me it was time for my interview. I went upstairs and had an interview with 3 people from 2 different parts of the company. Finally, some respect for my overqualifications! It seemed like the company is looking to rapidly expand and judging from the looks of most of the people who I saw downstairs, I have to at least have a better than average shot at this one. I think the interview went decently, but who knows. I left and went to watch the Skins kick some Tampan ass.

Since they actually gave me business cards at the interview, I was going to email a thank you note to the interviewers the next day because thats what all the cool kids are doing these days. But my bloody fight to the death with god continues. In a fitting turn of events, my internets connection mysteriously stopped working for about a day and a half when I wanted to do this. I had to call the cable people and after about 30 minutes of tinkering with all the connections, it still wouldn't work. I had to schedule for a service guy to come here and see what was wrong. You may think I would have been so pissed that I would have a mild stroke over the matter, but I have come to expect such things. I laughed it off and tried to log on every once in a while. Luckily, it started working again late last night and I was able to conduct my business.

So wish me luck.

Friday, January 06, 2006

I Hate Static

Of my arch enemies (i.e. luck, god, Boris, the Swiss, etc.) perhaps the one I hate the most is static cling. There is nothing worse than taking off your jacket and having your shirt or your shorts stick to your body like you were dressed as Freddie Mercury for Halloween. Back when I was younger, I would use this:

Static Guard is pretty damn good at what it does, namely, get rid of static. But these days, I have not been able to use what little money I have on such luxuries. For the same price as Static Guard, I could get approximately 73 packs of Ramen noodles, so I think you know which one I am going for, given the choice.

Luckily, girlfriend still has some disposable income. But I would not think of asking her to buy Static Guard. I resigned myself to just not wearing any of my clothes that were prone to getting staticy. That is, until I ran out of boxers and had to go with some mesh shorts, a prime target for static. So what was I to do? I had to think of something fast. I was either going to get rid of this damn static or go commando. What I found out might put the Static Guard company out of business (assuming it is not part of some huge conglomerate [which it most likely is]). The information I am about to give you should be guarded with your life, unless you feel like telling someone else. All in the name of ending the worldwide pandemic of static.

Febreze does the exact same thing as Static Guard (and smells lovely, to boot!).

If you can fill the unforgiving shorts
With Febreze and make static run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Put me in, Coach

The Redskins extended defensive coordinator Gregg Williams' contract for another 3 years today. Great move. Without him, our defense would probably be pretty bad. The reason I mentioned this is because it seems like all of the crappy coaches in the league are getting fired this year. Norv Turner got the axe today. Hilarious. The other awful coaches who are now unemployed (just like me!) are Mike Martz of St. Louis, Jim Haslett of New Orleans, Mike Tice of Minnesota, Mike Sherman of Green Bay and Dom Capers of Houston.

Here's my question: now that Dennis Green is coahing in Arizona, who will be the token black coach that every team is required to interview? Art Shell?

Monday, January 02, 2006

Happy New Year's, bitches!

Here we are, drwaing to the end of the Year of the Catheter (it ends at the Superbowl) and I have done a lot in these past months. I haven't really accomplished much, but I sure have done a lot. Here is a quick recap of 2005, a year in which I:

1) Won one quarter of the Superbowl "boxes" pool
2) Graduated Law School
3) Started a Blog
4) Drove a Hummer
5) Went backstage at a rock concert
6) Got 2nd place in my NCAA pool
7) Got 2nd place in my Fantasy Football League
8) Was an extra in 2 Major motion pictures
9) Went to the first baseball game in DC in decades
10) Caught 2 touchdowns in my touch football league
11) Auditioned to be on a Discovery Channel show
12) Went to Rafi Palmiero's first game back from his steroid suspension
13) Became Uneployed (officially)
14) Worked as a pool man
15) Became unemployed again
16) Ate at Ben's Chili Bowl for the first time
17) Was rejected from approximately 170 jobs
18) Got a dog

That is about all I can think of right now, but I'm sure I'll remember some more later.


So the Redskins are in the playoffs for the first time since 1999. I don't count that because I was in college at the time and they weren't really any good (not that I think they are good now), so we're actually talking about the first time since 1992. Now, even though I don't think they are any good this year, they could beat anyone in the NFC playoffs (if they are reasonably healthy). This is a watershed moment in my life.

My question is this: what do people do when their team is in the playoffs? The Redskins haven't really been remotely good since I became an adult so I don't know what to do with myself next week. I think that people might go and watch the game at a bar or have little playoff watching parties at their houses, but I really couldn't tell you. I guess my tenative plan of attack is to go to our usual game-watching spot to view the game because its pretty fun there and there should be a good crowd. I can't even imagine what a win would feel like.

The real question is: Which Clinton Portis alter-ego will show up this week?

1. Jerome From Southeast

2. Dollah Bill

3. Sheriff Gonna Getcha

4. Reverend Gonna Change

5. Dr. "I Don't Know"

I'm hoping for Southeast Jerome.