Thursday, May 25, 2006


I'm conducting an experiment. I want to bring back "Dag!" Use it as a substitute for "damn" or "shit." Here's an example: say someone is late. "Dag! What took you so long?" Feel free to use it as much or as little as you would like. I just want to see it come back.

Onto the real post.

McDonald's has new desserts! Well, they're not really new, as much as they are just various combinations of their old desserts. The four new faces on the menu are: the Oreo sundae, the chocolate chip (cookie) sundae, the apple pie sundae, and the brownie sundae. Each consists of ice cream, the eponymous "solid" dessert item, hot fudge, whipped cream, and a cherry on top. Upon seeing this turn of events, I had to try one.

Girlfriend and I went to the notorious Adams Morgan Mickey D's and took our chances. For those who are in the know, Sipowicz was not working tonight. But that did not change my extremely low expectations about the quality of "service" there. I went in and ordered an Oreo McFlurry (for Girlfriend) and a Chocolate Chip Sundae without whipped cream for myself. I knew it was a bad omen when I had to point at the picture menu to explain my choice.

The girl who took my order told the manager about the choices and he showed her how to make the new dessert first. It started out fine with the cup, ice cream, and hot fudge, but then things took a turn for the expected. He went over to the crushed Oreos and put that on the sundae, then covered the top with whipped cream and a cherry. Of course, I knew this was "my" order and he was fucking it up, but I let him go all the way with it.

He proudly presented me with this bastardization of my order and I broke the bad news: "I wanted the CHOCOLATE CHIP sundae with NO WHIPPED CREAM." He gave me the stupid grin to show that he didn't understand and I resorted to broken english and picture pointing again. "The cookies (pointing to the picture). No whipped cream. That sundae (pointing again)... and an Oreo MCFLURRY" He finally got the idea.

He put the first sundae in the salad refrigerator. I'm not sure why and I don't want to know. Then he went to the back, got some cookies, put them in a cup, and added the ice cream and the hot fudge. Just when I thought things were going well, HE MADE THE MOVE FOR THE WHIPPED CREAM AGAIN! In my firmest tone, I said, "NO WHIPPED CREAM!" This time he finally took heed.

The truth is, I didn't want the cherry either, but I knew that would really throw him off and it would be easy enough to remove, so once he dropped it on the top, I happily accepted the sundae because it was as close to what I wanted as it was going to get. I then had to remind him about the McFlurry again and he actually made it correctly. After waaaaaaaaay too long in there, I had gotten what I came for.

The verdict: the Chocolate Chip Sundae is pretty damn good. The cookies were warm and gooey and you can't screw up the rest of the ingredients because they are all pre-made. I give it a solid 7 out of 10 Catheters. But it was not worth all of the aggravation of getting it. Either way, the same thing would probably cost $10 at Baskin Robbins, so you're going in up $7.50. If you have the patience of a saint, I recommend it.

Monday, May 22, 2006

The Road to Rhode Island

This past weekend, I went to a wedding in the glorious state of Rhode Island. For those of you scoring at home, that's state #29 for Catheter Man. I could try and write a full post about the weekend, but I'm feeling too lazy to do it justice, so I'll just give you some highlights. Here are some of the best and worst things about the trip.

1) The flight to Providence: surprisingly only one hour long. That was the cool part. The bad part was eating breakfast at National Airport (I refuse to call it Reagan) and experiencing a bacon, egg, and cheese on a soggy plain bagel at... wait for it...Jerry's. Still, it was a better choice than Girlfriend's breakfast burrito from Ranch 1.

One other part of the flight that ruled was Row 4. Don't ever discount how awesome the bulkhead seats are. I even snuck my finger into first class for a little while. What didn't rule was the turbulence. I don't care about the bumpiness. I cared that the flight attendant decided it was too bumpy to use the drink cart and only offered water, coffee, or orange juice during drink service. Seeing as I was denied my right to a Diet Coke, I went with OJ. I knew it was a bad choice when it had ice in it.

2) Newport: Newport is a very cool, New Englandy town. I should mention that as a Family Guy fan, I made sure that the first words out of my mouth when we landed in Rhode Island were: "Side Boob." There is nothing as cool (in a funny way) as the Rhode Island accent. We overheard one woman talking about how her "Cawkapoo runs acrawss the yahd."

Newport is like any typical seaside port town, if you were surrounded by 300 year old buildings and everyone vacationing there looked like Judge Smails. There were tons of what I have dubbed: Sailboat People. Now add places like the New England Quahog Company, Griswold's, and my college buddy and I saying "Side Boob" every five minutes and you have some idea of what the weekend was like.

3) The Rehearsal Dinner. The rehearsal dinner was great. It was at a mansion (I think) right next to the water. It had a very cool tiki bar inside and the banquet room had an amazing water view. Being that this was a wedding weekend, I took the opportunity to stuff myself silly. At the rehearsal dinner, I had a cookie, a brownie, and a slice of apple pie. And that was just dessert.

Another thing I love about rehearsal dinners are the slide shows (with musical accompaniment) featuring embarrassing photos of the bride and grooms awkward teenage years. Those alone are usually worth the price of admission. Most of the speeches were great, too. I'm reasonably sure that the 18 speeches (I'm not exaggerating) from this wedding will never be topped. That being said, if you are the type of couple that has 18 speeches about you at your wedding, you must be doing something right.

4) The Wedding: The best part about Jewish wedding ceremonies is that they are usually pretty short. Not that I (or anyone else) wouldn't love to share the couple's big moment, but I think everyone (including the couple) appreciates the brevity. After a great ceremony, highlighted by beautifully self-written vows by the bride and groom, it was time to get our party on.

I stuffed my gullet again (including two desserts) and drank enough to kill a small child. But I didn't really get drunk. Maybe it was all the dancing or perhaps the 950,000 calories I consumed that day, but I didn't even get buzzed. Not that it mattered. It was a fun party and I got to hang out with a lot of people from college who I may never see again.

After the party, it was the afterparty. Unfortunately by this time, I was exhausted. I made my way over to the Presidential Suite, where the bride and bridegroom were staying and I could not believe how big the joint was. It was at least the size of a full length basketball court, and that didn't even include the bedroom or the roof deck that you could access through a rickety spiral staircase.

As much as I wanted to continue the festivities, the two days of gluttony and drinking had taken their toll and I had to go to bed about 10 minutes after getting to the room. Apparently I missed 10 pizzas being ordered and consumed, singing and subsequently being kicked off the roofdeck by security, and general rabblerousing until 4 am.

All in all, it was a great weekend and nothing feels better than getting out of DC for a while. I wish the couple nothing but happiness in the future and thank them for a wonderful time.

And of course...

Side boob.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Separated at Birth?

Zach Roloff from Little People Big World and


Friday, May 12, 2006

Catheter Man's 5 Point Plan for Summer Blockbusters

I love the movies. Let me just get that out of the way. I wish there was something I wanted to see every week so I could slip into a padded seat, immerse myself in darkness, and fart away. I will not, however, go to the movies for the sake of going to the movies. That is to say that I have standards. Rules, if you will (and I know that you will). Never has there been a more apropos time to bequeath these rules to the masses. The old studio system has resigned to sit back on its laurels and churn out big budget drivel that idiot America laps up with a spoon. Well not this blogger. You'll have to do more than that to earn my ten bucks. So without further ado, I give you Catheter Man's 5 Point Plan for Summer Blockbusters.

1) I will not see any movie based on a comic book

This rule comes to us courtesy of every movie released after Batman 1. That movie was cool. Of course, I (along with America) was also in my Michael Keaton phase at the time, so my judgment could have been a little off. But somehow in the course of the Batman series, we went from Jack Nicholson to Danny DeVito to Jim Carrey and from Michael Keaton to Val Kilmer to George Clooney. As you can tell, they are barely even trying anymore.

I'm also sure that there have probably been good movies based on comic books that have come out since then (Men in Black), but they are few and far between. Men in Black is the perfect segue to our next rule...

2) I will not see any sequels, prequels, threequels, or any other kind of 'quel

If anyone else saw Men in Black 2, you know just how horrible an idea a sequel can be. That movie felt like an hour and a half long abortion performed through my eye socket (I bet you won't find Roger Ebert giving that review). All of the Star Wars prequels were excrement. The only movie that could be considered a sequel that I actually enjoyed was Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and that was not really a sequel. It was more loosely based on some of Kevin Smith's earlier works. Of course, as we speak, Clerks 2 is coming out. Blech. In this day and age, sequels rarely, if ever, live up to the original and I will not see them.

3) I will not see any remake

This one should go without saying. I didn't want to see King Kong when it was black and white and had a claymation ape. I didn't want to see it the first time they remade it and the special effects were a little better. And I still don't want to see it when everything is done with computers.

Am I the only one who thinks that CGI ruins movies? Part of the reason why the original Star Wars was so cool is that they had real (albeit model-sized) spaceships blowing up. When I can tell everything has been done on a computer, the special effect doesn't seem so special to me. I might as well be watching cartoons. But I digress.

Remakes are lame. Most of the time the original is a classic and there is no point in trying to make it better. And if the movie wasn't that great to begin with, why would anyone want to see it now that it stars Vince Vaughn? I don't get it.

4) Explosions, car chases, and shootouts are stupid

Seriously. We've all seen these things a million times before. Its called every James Bond movie ever. Unless you bring something original to the table, like a pregnant dwarf driving a '39 Buick with a Yeti and all of the characters from Herman's Head in the back seat, shooting a laser guided hamster bazooka at the Guinness Book of World Records fat twins on scooters, then spare me.

5) I will not see any movie starring anyone who is currently on the cover of Us Weekly

Again, this should go without saying. The people that are on the cover of those magazines are not good actors. They are the "beautiful people." And if Revenge of the Nerds taught us anything, its that the beautiful people can be defeated. The first step is boycotting their crappy movies. I'm reasonably confident that anyone with half a nutsack can't name one Jennifer Aniston movie besides Office Space.

So there you have it. Sure, this plan can't hold a candle to Mike Damone's 5 point plan, but it is guaranteed to get you through the summer without wishing you had used your 10 dollars for a toothy hummer from a crackhead rather than mindlessly forking it over to the movie studios or the "Church" of Scientology. I'm not sure if that last statement even made any sense grammatically, but you get the idea. Until next time, America.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Praise you like I should

As my loyal readers know, I have been "at odds" with god for the majority of my life. I'm not sure why this is. It just is. One recent example is my inability to find suitable employment. Although I consider myself a pretty good person in general, things just haven't been going my way of late. It is high time for a mediator.

This past weekend, I found the perfect chance to do just that. I attended a Catholic wedding and seeing that I was in the house of god, I decided to ask his son for a little help. Some of you might find this odd, since I'm jewish. But as Larry David found out, wonderful things start to happen when you find Jesus.

I didn't really expect much after I had my little chat with JC, but this past week I have gotten five legitimate job bites (and one super shady offer to possibly join the Russian mob). Two or three of them sound pretty good. I'm not going to jinx any of them by speaking publicly about the specifics, but I'm pretty confident with my skills and Jesus' help, I could be employed full time within a month. So wish me luck on my quest.

Yours in Christ,

Catheter Man