Sure, we gambled and had poutine, but...

Why the F didn't I know about this when I was in college?

I wish I was Samoan

I bet if I was Samoan, I'd have a job by now (or at least some kick-ass tattoos).

The Vomit Comet

If there is one thing that's always funny, its farting. But if there is one other thing that is always funny, its vomit. You may not believe me, but I really don't watch that much tv during the day when I'm "looking for jobs." However, I do watch a lot of tv at night. What does this have to do with vomit? Well, in the past couple of days, I saw perhaps two of the most disturbing/disgusting/hilarious vomit television moments in history.

Moment #1

The show is called Intervention. Every week, they have two separate stories about addicts and then their families stage an intervention at the end of the show. Usually it is some crackhead or alcoholic, but this week one of the stories was about a bulemic. I can't really do it justice, but imagine this scenario. Bulemic and her fat husband go to an all you can eat pizza place, where they proceed to stuff their faces. Bulemic races home in order to get there before her husband so she can "call the dinosaurs." What she does next is genuinely unbelievable.

Bulemic goes into her walk in closet and pukes her entire meal into a one gallon zip lock bag. But wait, there's more. She then hides the bag behind her clothes. Why does she do this? She explains that she is afraid that the toilet will get backed up and she'll be found out. But wait, there's more. She waits a week before cleaning out the closet. The next time we see her, she's filling up a cardboard box with a week's worth of puke-filled, one gallon bags. She then takes this box to an open dumpster, where she disposes of the evidence.

I know what you're thinking. Now that's good tv!

Moment #2

I watched an old Viva La Bam, in which Dunn bets Bam that he can beat Bam in a car race. Dunn then calls in the reinforcements. The Bloodhound Gang shows up and steals Bam's Lamborghini. Dunn soups up a limo for the race, complete with nitrous. Bam eventually finds the Lambo and wins the race. Dunn claims that the engine blew, but I think it had to do with the fact that Don Vito was in the back of the limo, eating a 3 foot hoagie.

Anyway, as punishment for losing, Dunn was supposed to kiss Raab Himself at the bar they were hanging out at. Dunn said he wouldn't so that, so Bam told him he had to make him either laugh or puke in order to pay up on the bet. Dunn then gets some nasty ass woman to come over and suck on Don Vito's disgusting yellow toenail. Well, this was too much for Bam, who pukes right on Don Vito's foot. Jimmy Pop from the Bloodhound Gang follows suit. The show ends with a close up of Vito's nasty foot covered in puke.

Now, who wants dinner?

It Begins (again)

Well, as I predicted, I didn't get that job with the company where the interviewer pulled the classic wait-a-long-time-to-get-back-to-me-so-I-have-the-chance-to-get-another-job-or-forget-about-this-one technique. Little did she know that I have so few options that I would not get another job or forget about that one in 3 weeks. I called there the day after she was supposed to get back to me, only to get the temp on the phone, who said she was away and she would call me back the next day. When that didn't happen, I called again during regular business hours and this time nobody picked up. Good times. Predictably, she emailed me later and said that she had gone with another person. No shit. She did say that I was her second choice, but I'm not sure I believe her. So its back to the drawing board. Except that I don't have a drawing board.

I needed to come up with a new plan. And fast. I randomly found some company on the internets that was having a career fair on Saturday and seeing as I had no plans other than watching the Redskins game at 4, I decided that I could take a shot at this job.

The fair was held at a hotel and much to my disappointment, unlike any other fair I've been to, did not have any carneys, funnel cake, or even a freak show. I had to go pretty early because I needed to stop at Kinko's to print out the application because my printer decided it doesn't want to acknowledge that it has paper in the tray. PC Load Letter? What the fuck does that mean?!?! So I'm there extra early and they tell me to go in this conference room to watch a presentation.

The conference room had about 80 chairs set up in front of a drop down screen that was connected to a laptop. There were probably about 5 people in the audience and much like school, nobody was sitting in the front. The woman at the front of the room was talking about the company while displaying a power point presentation. she kept talking about how much you could make and how the company promotes from within, and all the benefits of working there. I was quite taken aback, as I've only worked at places that tried to screw the empoyees. It was all very J.T. Marlinesque, except she never showed us the keys to her Ferrari. After she finished the presentation, some of the people were taken for their interviews. Due to the fact that I was so early, I got to sit there and see the presentation again later.

After about 45 minutes, someone finally came in to tell me it was time for my interview. I went upstairs and had an interview with 3 people from 2 different parts of the company. Finally, some respect for my overqualifications! It seemed like the company is looking to rapidly expand and judging from the looks of most of the people who I saw downstairs, I have to at least have a better than average shot at this one. I think the interview went decently, but who knows. I left and went to watch the Skins kick some Tampan ass.

Since they actually gave me business cards at the interview, I was going to email a thank you note to the interviewers the next day because thats what all the cool kids are doing these days. But my bloody fight to the death with god continues. In a fitting turn of events, my internets connection mysteriously stopped working for about a day and a half when I wanted to do this. I had to call the cable people and after about 30 minutes of tinkering with all the connections, it still wouldn't work. I had to schedule for a service guy to come here and see what was wrong. You may think I would have been so pissed that I would have a mild stroke over the matter, but I have come to expect such things. I laughed it off and tried to log on every once in a while. Luckily, it started working again late last night and I was able to conduct my business.

So wish me luck.

I Hate Static

Of my arch enemies (i.e. luck, god, Boris, the Swiss, etc.) perhaps the one I hate the most is static cling. There is nothing worse than taking off your jacket and having your shirt or your shorts stick to your body like you were dressed as Freddie Mercury for Halloween. Back when I was younger, I would use this:

Static Guard is pretty damn good at what it does, namely, get rid of static. But these days, I have not been able to use what little money I have on such luxuries. For the same price as Static Guard, I could get approximately 73 packs of Ramen noodles, so I think you know which one I am going for, given the choice.

Luckily, girlfriend still has some disposable income. But I would not think of asking her to buy Static Guard. I resigned myself to just not wearing any of my clothes that were prone to getting staticy. That is, until I ran out of boxers and had to go with some mesh shorts, a prime target for static. So what was I to do? I had to think of something fast. I was either going to get rid of this damn static or go commando. What I found out might put the Static Guard company out of business (assuming it is not part of some huge conglomerate [which it most likely is]). The information I am about to give you should be guarded with your life, unless you feel like telling someone else. All in the name of ending the worldwide pandemic of static.





Febreze does the exact same thing as Static Guard (and smells lovely, to boot!).

If you can fill the unforgiving shorts
With Febreze and make static run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Put me in, Coach

The Redskins extended defensive coordinator Gregg Williams' contract for another 3 years today. Great move. Without him, our defense would probably be pretty bad. The reason I mentioned this is because it seems like all of the crappy coaches in the league are getting fired this year. Norv Turner got the axe today. Hilarious. The other awful coaches who are now unemployed (just like me!) are Mike Martz of St. Louis, Jim Haslett of New Orleans, Mike Tice of Minnesota, Mike Sherman of Green Bay and Dom Capers of Houston.

Here's my question: now that Dennis Green is coahing in Arizona, who will be the token black coach that every team is required to interview? Art Shell?

Happy New Year's, bitches!

Here we are, drwaing to the end of the Year of the Catheter (it ends at the Superbowl) and I have done a lot in these past months. I haven't really accomplished much, but I sure have done a lot. Here is a quick recap of 2005, a year in which I:

1) Won one quarter of the Superbowl "boxes" pool
2) Graduated Law School
3) Started a Blog
4) Drove a Hummer
5) Went backstage at a rock concert
6) Got 2nd place in my NCAA pool
7) Got 2nd place in my Fantasy Football League
8) Was an extra in 2 Major motion pictures
9) Went to the first baseball game in DC in decades
10) Caught 2 touchdowns in my touch football league
11) Auditioned to be on a Discovery Channel show
12) Went to Rafi Palmiero's first game back from his steroid suspension
13) Became Uneployed (officially)
14) Worked as a pool man
15) Became unemployed again
16) Ate at Ben's Chili Bowl for the first time
17) Was rejected from approximately 170 jobs
18) Got a dog

That is about all I can think of right now, but I'm sure I'll remember some more later.

**********************************************************

So the Redskins are in the playoffs for the first time since 1999. I don't count that because I was in college at the time and they weren't really any good (not that I think they are good now), so we're actually talking about the first time since 1992. Now, even though I don't think they are any good this year, they could beat anyone in the NFC playoffs (if they are reasonably healthy). This is a watershed moment in my life.

My question is this: what do people do when their team is in the playoffs? The Redskins haven't really been remotely good since I became an adult so I don't know what to do with myself next week. I think that people might go and watch the game at a bar or have little playoff watching parties at their houses, but I really couldn't tell you. I guess my tenative plan of attack is to go to our usual game-watching spot to view the game because its pretty fun there and there should be a good crowd. I can't even imagine what a win would feel like.

The real question is: Which Clinton Portis alter-ego will show up this week?

1. Jerome From Southeast

2. Dollah Bill

3. Sheriff Gonna Getcha

4. Reverend Gonna Change

5. Dr. "I Don't Know"

I'm hoping for Southeast Jerome.