I missed yesterday's show and wanted to get right into the guys competition. I told you I'd probably not follow through every time and what better way to prove it than not showing up for the first show? On the serious tip, I was at the Wizards game watching KG basically not caring at all and still throwing up a double-double (although not as impressive as Colediggy, Solomon, and that girl from Kentucky's double-double in Mexico). I'm not even going to get into the depressing, time-wasting career fair that preceded the game. Anyway, on with the recap.
Gay Aiken -- He actually claimed that he was going to distance himself from Clay Aiken with his song choice, but started out the night extra gay, wearing a pink shirt and singing gay anthem "Come to my Window" by Melissa Etheridge(sp?)... badly. Randy mumbled a few things about pitch and dog, but seemed to kind of like it. Paula basically said he shouldn't have sung it. Simon came with the real and called him out for being average at best.
Shawn Brumder -- Let the gayness continue. Mr. Crooner sings "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Queen. He looked like one of those chorus or drama douchebags from high school that thinks he's the shit at singing and tries to really emote during every word of every song, even if it sounds like hot garbage. Randy called him a boo-dagged-ass bitch. Paula was probably hopped up on goofballs because she didn't hate it. Once again, Simon says whats on everyone's mind. Shawn Brumder is a joke, but the jackasses of America probably like him.
Redneck -- admits that he has trouble remembering the lyrics at times. Hmm, I wonder if he has trouble remembering to bathe? He chose "Simple Man" by Lynard Skynard because he is "a simple man." He sounded like he gargled with used football cleats and smoked 3 cigars before singing tonight. Randy basically told him it sounded like he was giving birth, but he liked it. Paula said he is "growing." Simon called him raw, yet said he is no better than me (Catheter Man) singing Thunderstruck at a bar. Every time Redneck speaks, I check to see if I'm watching COPS instead of American Idol.
Sam Weir -- He went with "I Want You Back" by the Jackson 5. In all seriousness (and Colediggy can back me up on this) I can sing this song better than he did. Randy said he liked Sam Weir for "trying to do his thing." Paula was reminded of Bobby Brady. EXACTLY. Why didn't I think of that? Simon brings it again. Kudos to him for calling Sam average. Paula then called on the Pantydroppers to scream for him and they did. Paula and Randy seem impressed that it was in tune. Simon is right. It was average. I could have done better.
Fat Joe -- He chose "Reasons" by Earth, Wind, and Fire. It sounded like Guy Hollerin singing "Sexual Healing" at a karaoke place, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Its just not his real singing voice. So, what are we supposed to jugde him on? Randy predictibly loved the Earth, Wind, and Fire song. Paula called him "amazing." Come on Simon. YES! Simon calls it a pimpy, third-rate version of the song. Thank you Simon. Why are the other judges even there?
Evil Jared -- He already wins the craziest sideburns of the year award. He chose yet another of my karaoke favorites: "Dead or Alive" by Bon Jovi. I will admit that he sang it better than me. But just barely. If I were him, I would have left in the part about the loaded six string. Thats clearly where you can really kick it vocally. Randy called him very, very current even though he just did a song from about 10 years ago. Paula is basically fingering herself. Simon liked the song and called him the first one with potential of the night. I agree totally.
Nervous Tic -- He is singing "One Last Cry" by Brian McKnight. He's actually not half bad compared with the others who have gone so far. Plus he has a lisp. Wouldn't it be great to have an American Idol with a lisp? He kind of reminds me of Radar O'Reilly. Randy liked him. Paula wishes her was her nerdy kid that was showing all the others up. Simon said he liked him, but he had the J Katz demographic (60 and above and 16 and below).
New Lenny Kravitz -- He actually looks like the black Chubbs. About 3 of my readers will get that, but I don't care. Its uncanny. he sang "Shout" by Otis Day and the Knights. Otis, my man! He's got the moves, but the vocals are average. Randy liked the song choice and the moves. Paula loved him. Simon called him the "warm up for the Chippendales." Classic. Simon must go to a lot of male strip shows.
Chinstrap Toothface -- "If You Really Love Me" by Stevie Wonder. First impression: he'll be lucky to make it past this week. He was totally drowned out by the backup singers and the band. The Pantydroppers loved him. So did Randy and Paula (big surprise). I don't get it. Maybe its his grotesquely swollen jaw that irks me. Simon calls him potentially the best male vocalist ever on the show. WHAT? It must sound really different in the audience.
I'M CAROL! -- If you haven't noticed, this guy just reminds me of that character that Horatio Sans does every few weeks on SNL. He's singing "Copacabana" by Barry Manilow. I kind of wish I had called him Dirty Sanchez because thats what his moustache looks like. His singing was forgettable. But pretty much anyone who sings Copacabana sounds alike. But he is Carol. Annoying. Randy didn't like him. Paula all but called him a joke. Simon called it a nightmare, which it was. By the end, all the judges were arguing over how "not that bad" it was. Ominous.
Constantine II -- Wow, this means Blue is closing tonight. C-II is singing "Father Figure" by George Michael to keep with the gay theme we have going tonight. He rocked it, but should have gone with the mirrored sunglasses and black leather jacket to really pull off the George Michael experience. This guy touches his hair almost as much as Mitch in Dazed and Confused. Randy called him a star. Paula's seat is wet. Simon brought it again. Not the best vocals, but C-II's got "it."
Blue -- You're my boy! He's closes out gay night with "Leave on" by Elton John. Or is it "Livan", an ode to Livan Hernandez? It was original, but weird. Not the greatest performance, but I'll take it. Randy echoed my comments. Paula can't even speak, she wants him to advance so much. Simon now thinks he should make the finals.
Thats it for tonight. Soul Patrol!
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