Wednesday, November 30, 2005

I'm so cool

As some of you may know, the current rule of the idiotic celebrity worship culture states that the bigger the sunglasses, the cooler you are. Its only a matter of time before some sort of Olsen/Hilton/Simpson starts wearing these:

Sunday, November 27, 2005

10 year Reunion: Everybody Chung Wang Tonight

Has it really been 10 years? It seems like at least twice that long since I graced the halls of my suburban high school. I remember at the time thinking that I couldn't wait to get the hell out of the area, yet here I am 10 years later, much better educated and almost ready to give up on finally getting that dream job. Since I really didn't like most of the people in my high school class (amongst other reasons), I decided it would be best to attend Thanksgiving dinner at my girlfriend's parents' place up in New Jersey, where I could get the added bonus of attending her 10 year reunion.

My girlfriend grew up in a full-fledged New Jersey "town" (I used to hate when college classmates from New Jersey would ask what town I grew up in. I used to say. "I didn't. I grew up in a city"). Anyway, being that this is a town, there are basically only two bars: one where all the teachers hang out (again, I think this is a New Jersey thing) and another that is a combination sports bar and cheesy club. Her reunion was held at the latter.

When we arrived at the bar, we went upstairs where she had to sign in and get her name tag. The class officers from her senior year manned the sign in table and issued her a name tag with her senior picture on it. We then went up to the bar for what was supposed to be 2 hours of "open bar." For an added bonus, the DJ was playing only music from 1994-5. I haven't heard this much Soul Asylum since last year's NBA playoffs.

I decided to start it out slow (with a little Bella Fleck) and get a Captain and Coke because I had not eaten anything for dinner. Soon thereafter, I wanted to see what there was to eat at this little shindig. To my (skyrockets in flight, afternoon) delight, we had an assortment of stuffed mushrooms, chicken fingers, fried shrimp, steamed dumplings, and a few other finger foods. Mmmmmmmmmm. Bar food.

Once I had my fill of fried foods, I decided that I needed to take advantage of the open bar. I went right up and ordered a Ketel One dirty martini. For some reason, the bartender said that they were not allowed to give out martinis. So I asked for Ketel One on the rocks. For some other reason, they were able to fulfill that request. Now, keep in mind I am in a situation where I only know my girlfriend, one or two of her friends, one guy from college that I was never really friends with (but we make small talk anyway), two boners (if you knew them, you'd say they were boners also) from college, and a girl one of my friends "accidentally" tried to fuck in the ass in the attic of Fiji during the first week of our freshman year. Need alcohol. I was going to have to try harder to get saucy.

At this point in the night I went back to the snack table and chowed down again while my girlfriend talked to some people I didn't know. When I met up with her, we went and talked with a girl who we met up with on our Vegas vacation a couple of years ago. We happened to be standing at the bar where the planners of the reunion had stashed the pictures of all the people who did not RSVP to the party in case they showed up. Just then, I had the brilliant idea of "becoming" one of the people in girlfriend's senior class. But who would be the funniest? A black guy. Unfortunately, girlfriend's high school had even fewer black guys than my high school. So I was forced to become Indian. Dots, not feathers. From now on, my name would be Abey Thomas.

After another round of Ketel One on the rocks, I settled into my position of hanging out with girlfriend while she talked to people she had not seen in 10 years. I thought the night could not get any better when up walked Chung Wang. That's right, Chung Wang. This was a guy who was way too excited for the reunion on the evite, so of course, I couldn't wait to see him at the party. He recognized girlfriend and they got to talking. Upon hearing that we live in DC, he said "I love the Metro!" He also said that in high school he was "dorktacular" and that, not suprisingly, he is now a software engineer. The man was clearly happy to be back, showing all those Zabkas who had teased him how successful he is now. But, boy does he need to get laid.

After Chung Wang, I needed another drink. So I went up to the bar and tried to get another Ketel One on the rocks. Unfortunately, I went to a different bartender who told me that she couldn't do that. So I went with the old Ketel One and tonic. A far cry from the martini I originally wanted, but what the hell? When in Rome.

After a few more meetings with girlfriend's high school cohorts (including a lesbian mouse), it became clear that Abey Thomas, while actually looking nothing like me (he had a moustache in high school), looked enough like me for people to have to do double takes after seeing the picture. High comedy. I suggest you try it. One girl came by when I was hanging out with another "plus one" and asked if we were from the class of 95. It really was all I could do to hold back my overwhelming desire to say, "Didn't we fuck?" Her boyfriend looked kind of big and ornery anyway.

After the open bar ended, the class officers said that it would be open until the money ran out. I'm really not sure what that even means, but I was ready to get out of there. After the party, we were planning on ending the night where every self-respecting Jerseyite ends their night: in a diner.

Fortunately for me, a couple of days earlier, I had been to two different diners in the same day, so I knew exactly what to look for on the menu. Unfortunately, one of the people in the part did not know how to properly order at the diner. He ordered the Maryland crab a New Jersey. I think he was expecting a red soup because he was silghtly horrified when a cream of crab soup came out. He asked if it was the crab soup and the waitress said, "I'm sorry hon. It looked a little watery when I came in today. I can take it back if you want." He promptly exchanged it for the French onion soup (or should I say the Freedom Onion Soup)?

I, on the other hand, knew exactly what to order. I have a new late night diner staple: Waffle with vanilla ice cream. It could be the best late night snack ever. You get the waffley goodness with the ice cream dankstinia. Oh god, I want one right now. So we finished our meal while the girls talked about a bunch of people I have never heard of and then it was time to finally go home.

I would have to say that the reunion was a rousing success. A good time was had by all (especially Chung Wang) and I was able to eat my new traditional late night meal of waffle and ice cream. Who knows? In 10 years, maybe I'll even show up for my own reunion. Naaaaaaaahhhh.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Spreading the word

Interesting stats:
Number of hits on my site from the keyword "Fire Lloyd Carr": 36
Number of hits on my site from the keyword "Joaquin Phoenix's cleft palate": 1
Number of hits on my site from the keyword "Reese Witherspoon's baboon face": 0

Just something to think about.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Fire Lloyd Carr Now!

Just wanted to increase the number of times this phrase is on the internet. Fire Lloyd Carr. He's a terrible coach.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

G(Q)'s up, Ho's down

GQ magazine, a publication I might have read twice in my life, has named Jennifer Aniston its first ever Woman of the Year. Why? Has someone ever gotten more consistent press for doing so little? Yes, she's actually in a movie this year, but beyond that has she done anything since being on a mildly amusing (yet incomprehensibly popular) sitcom? I dare say not. Oh, she was married to Brad Pitt, who himself hasn't done anything of significance since Fight Club. This, apparently, is enough to be on the cover every stupid supermarket tabloid magazine for the last three years. Which brings me to my theory: Women want to fuck Jennifer Aniston more than men. Can anything else explain their obsession?

And in case you haven't heard it yet, here is a link to the infamous 7th Floor Crew song allegedly done by some University of Miami football players a couple of years ago. Its actually pretty good.

The Best Commercial in years

Taco Town!

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Battle Royale: one crazy ass movie

As I mentioned in my previous post, one of the other extras told me that he just saw a Japanese movie that he really liked (and that he got on Netflix, to boot). Once he told me the plot of the movie, I knew I had to see it. So, after I forgot the name of the movie, I did a little google researching of the key words in the plot and eventually found out it was called Battle Royale (or, in Japanese, Batoru Rowaiaru).

The movie was made in 2000 by famed Japanese director Kinji Fukasaku and the plot goes something like this: It is the dawn of the new millennium and the Japanese economy has gone to shit. With 15% unemployment, the school age children have grown to distrust the government and adults in general. Approximately 800,000 have boycotted going to school altogether.

So the government passes a law that says one class per month (I think) (i.e. 9th grade in, say, Wheaton High School), chosen by a random lottery, is taken to an island where they will have three days to have a no holds barred fight to the death to see which student "wins" and gets to go back to society. I'm not really sure why this tactic is supposed to make the students want to go back to class, but who cares? Sound awesome? It gets better.

The movie follows some 9th grade class of about 40 students. They are told they are going on a field trip and while they are on the bus, they are gassed and taken to the island. Once they are there, they are greeted by their former teacher, played by the guy who plays Vic Romano on Most Extreme Elimination Challenge.

He shows them a video that outlines the rules of the game. First, only one person can leave. If there is more than one person left after 3 days, they all will be killed. How do they know who is left? All the kids are fitted with collars that monitor their pulse, movement, and will explode if they try and remove them. Every six hours, announcements are made with the names of the dead and the "danger zones" on the map. If the kids are caught lingering too long in a danger zone, their collar will explode. Each kid gets a pack of supplies with food, water, a map of the island, a compass, a flashlight, and a weapon. The weapons are completely random and range from a machine gun to binoculars. And finally, in addition to the normal class, two delinquents who volunteered to go to the island will also be participating. With that, the game begins.

I have to say that I enjoyed this movie, but I kept wondering if it could have been a lot better if it was made in the U.S. Although, if someone ever made a movie like this in the U.S. they would get castrated by the Christian Right. Being that it was a Japanese movie, I allowed for the weird music choices and sometimes cheesy dialogue. All in all, I have to give Battle Royale 4 Catheters Up. I highly recommend it if you like violence and Asians (who doesn't?).

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Catheter Man: Major F'ing Star (part deux)

Today I got to be part of my second major motion picture. The Vanishing, a quasi-remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, starring Nicole Kidman was filming downtown and yours truly got the call to be an extra again.

We were supposed to meet at RFK Stadium at 9:30 am, where we would be transported to the super secret filming location. So girlfriend offered to take me rather than having to take the Metro. We loaded Takoma into the car and headed towards crack-ville. When we got to RFK, I was looking around for a parking lot with people in it. As we drove around the stadium, it became clear that none of the lots directly next to the stadium were the correct one. I really should have read that e-mail more carefully.

We drove all the way around the stadium once and just as we got back to the front entrance, Takoma promptly puked in the back seat. Good times. So now we're driving around looking for a lot that isn't there with the smell of dog puke wofting from behind us. We stopped so that we (girlfriend) could clean up the puke and I could try and figure out what to do next. Luckily, some woman also was kind of lost, but at least she knew that we were supposed to go to Lot 7.

Once Takoma's breakfast was swept off of the seat, we headed out around the stadium again to try and get to Lot 7. What nobody tells you (or erects a sign to tell you) is that Lot 7 is not really visible from the stadium. We missed the exit for it and then had to drive all the way around the stadium again to get back to it. I finally got to Lot 7 at about 9:40, about 10 minutes late. I then signed in and boarded a school bus where I was transported to the L'Enfant Plaza area to the tents.

At the tent area, I went over to wardrobe, where they told me that what I had on was fine. I went back inside to try and find some breakfast. At my old job I learned that whenever you are part of a project that involves entertainment industry union members, it will be catered. I found the last of the hot breakfast and got a small helping of eggs, hash browns (Hardee's style, not my favorite), and sausage (patty, not link). This is a dangerous combination, seeing as I potentially would not be near a bathroom for the rest of the day, but I also might not eat the rest of the day, so I had to take my chances.

I went and ate my food and then waited. It was about 10:30 by then and there was nothing better to do, so I just sat down. I talked with a couple of the other extras and learned of a cool-sounding Japanese movie that I will be renting from Netflix and possibly reviewing on the site. I also learned that the Ivy League "only say the location and not the name of your college when asked" rule also applies to other schools. The guy next to me said he went to school "in Durham." Since I thought this was slightly rediculous, I just said, "So, Duke?" Of course. I think the next time someone asks me where I went to school, I'm going to say: "in Ann Arbor."

Then I noticed another table of food near where we were sitting. Two words: Krispy Kreme. Obviously, I had to get me some of that. So I had a glazed donut and then waited. And then waited. Intermittently, they would call certain groups to go to the set, but the blue group (of which I was a proud member), was not called until a little after noon.

We finally boarded the busses to go to the set, which we learned would not be Georgetown (where we assumed we would be), but in the Federal Triangle area across from the Old Post Office Pavillion. We were the first group of extras there, so I thought we might get a pretty good position. They had us line up in front of some building where they were supposed to be giving out flu shots or something, but in reality the shots turn you into a snatcher. I got a spot right in front of this table where there were nurses, right in front of the building. Sweet! And then we waited.

In about 30 more minutes, they brought a bunch of other extras in and had then fill up the line in between the table where I was and the entrance to the building. They were trying to make the line look really full. Then the bad news came. We had to back up really far because when the camera started rolling, we would have to move forward in line. Now I was standing way far back behind the fake news van, so I'll probably only be seen in a very wide shot (look for the white guy in the red shirt the right of the news van.) Unfortunately, I did not see any stars that I recognized, but I did get to see Nicole Kidman's stand-in. So I got that going for me, which is nice.

We did a bunch of different camera angles of the same scene. Since they were filming, they had the street blocked off. That, however, did not prevent the best part of the day from happening. Two old people, who I can only assume were from Kazakhstan, wandered onto the set and asked me what was going on. I said they were filming a movie. The woman said she didn't understand. I pointed out the camera and told her we were filimg a movie again. She then inquired, "So you are waiting to see someone in-ter-es-ting?" (because we were in a big line). I said, "No, we are extras in the movie." She then said in an accent exactly like Borat's, "In my country, we say they need people to be the bushes." I laughed at her (but she thought it was with her) and with that, the Kazakh couple went on their way and we were back to filming, standing, and waiting.

We finished filming around 3:30 and they took some of the extras and bussed them to another location. The rest of us were told to go across the street and wait for the busses to come back. So we waited. And then we waited. And then we waited some more. About 30 minutes into it, people were starting to get pissed. One crazy lady who looked kind of like a combination of Anne Ramsey and a Peking Duck was definitely about to snap. About 45 minutes into it, people were calling the production company and trying to find out what was going on. About 50 minutes into our wait, a random school bus went by and Peking Ramsey tried to flag it down. A guy on crutches hailed a cab and was about to get in, when the busses finally arrived -- over an hour later. Peking Ramsey was so excited she made some sort of noise that I can't even begin to do justice to if I tried to explain it. But it was kind of like the noise that those arab women make whenever a jew dies.

We got back to the tent area and all I wanted to do is sit down, eat, and leave. Well, take a piss, sit down, eat, and leave. So I took a piss and then tried to find some food. I didn't really want anything heavy, so I just settled on pasta salad, cole slaw, and some of that iced cream the kids have been talking about. I sat down and ate and then got in the line to get signed out (I gotta make them ends). I finally signed out and headed back to the Metro.

Before I got to the Metro, I assumed that I would have to buy a pass with my credit card because I only had $1.35 on me at the time (being poor sucks). In a giant stroke of luck, the fare to my stop was exactly $1.35. The perfect end to a somewhat enjoyable day. Ahhh, getting paid to stand around and do nothing. Now I know what is feels like to work for the government. Sha-ZANG!

So the bottom line is: the movie looks like it could be interesting, but not that great in a Manchurian Candidate remake kind of way. There is probably about a 1% chance of me actually being visible in it. The waiting in this one was much worse than the heat in the last one. And I banged Peking Ramsey in a port-o-potty.

Seacrest out!

Friday, November 11, 2005

Its gotta be the shoes

I am launching a campaign (not doing anything and hoping something happens) to become the first blogger with an endorsement deal from a major (or minor) shoe company. If you are a sneaker executive and you want to have your product endorsed by a blogger with mad street cred and as many as 12 loyal readers, feel free to contact me at

In fact, I will sell out to any company. Just offer me something and I will do it.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Correction. Pat Robertson: World's Biggest Douche

This link is for an article that says Pat Robertson is telling residents of Dover, PA not to turn to god if there is a disaster in their town because they voted out ignorant, mouth-breathing, neanderthal school board members who wanted to introduce "intelligent" design into high school science classes. The joke is on you, dickhole. There is no such thing as god. And school science class is neither the time nor the place to promote your idiotic religion.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Bud Selig: World's Biggest Douche

This link is an article which says that instead of choosing an ownership group for the Washington Nationals, Bud Selig and the rest of the owners will just sit around with their thumbs up their asses while the organization gets stripped of the current front office personnel, piece by piece. You, sir, deserve an abortion courtesy of Edward Scissorhands. Worst "Commissioner" Ever.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Korean Rap

If by chance I have any closet Korean readers, please let me know how I can get my hands (or ears) on a copy of "Come Back Home" by the Taiji Boys. Thank you.

Friday, November 04, 2005

And we're BACK!

With the end of the pool season rapidly approaching, my temporary, albeit memorable tenure as a pool technician has come to an end. As a result, I will most likely be back to my bitter, unemployable, daily posting self in a matter of days.

As for now, I just checked Ye Olde Keyword Analysis and there are some doozies. Check these out:

Clayton Biggsby Video Download
Camp Colorwar Themes
LSU & Thunderstruck
Deron Williams Daughter
George Benson Jehovas Witness
Deron Williams Wife
Mr. Peebles
Wife Deron Williams
Catheter Play
Udonis Haslem's Personal Life
[my favorite]
How Do You Pronounce Domanick Davis

Who knew there was so much interest about Deron Williams' family? And who the fuck is looking up Mr. Peebles?

You are some sick, twisted freaks. And I love you for it.

Peace out, Napolean.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005


I have often said that Halloween is my most religious holiday. I mean, what other holiday encourages dressing up like an idiot (or, a slut if you are a girl), getting drunk, and taking pictures of and with strangers? People are always happy and will come up and talk to you even though you are the three creepy old guys drinking alone in the corner.

This year, my friends and I went with the group costume. Its much easier if one person thinks of an idea and the others can do something related to it. We decided to go as the Balco Boys. I was Palmeiro, Ike was McGwire, and Jeff was Giambi. We all had hats, jerseys, and most importantly: muscle shirts (that made us look like we had muscles). Unfortunately, we didn't have a black friend to play Barry Bonds, so if you are black and would like to be our friend, we are taking applications.

We started out the night at a house party of one of Ike's coworkers and then made our way to the bars. I was psyched to take as many pictures as possible, but after the second one, my camera said that it was low on battery power (even though I charged it all day). Fucking Sony. Anyway, I was still able to take a bunch of pictures. Here are some of the best.

This guy was part of a large contingent of Cobra Kai members. He was the fat, balding Cobra Kai member who wasn't in the movie. I'm guessing the over/under on the number of times this group heard either: "SWEEP THE LEG!" or "PUT HIM IN A BODY BAG!" was about 138. Hell, I heard it twice.

As you can see, the group costume was all the rage this year. This group of girls went as the Average Joes from the movie Dodgeball. Crappy movie, decent costume.

These two get the award for the creepiest costumes of the night. On the left, we have Robin. Robin. Who the fuck wants to go as Robin? I think it might even be worse if it was part of a Batman and Robin group costume. On the right is some sort of Chiquita Banana woman who is holding up a mysterious red pill. I'm about 75% sure that I didn't take it because I remember the rest of the night.

Fook Mi? Fook Yu!

Here we have my buddy Jeff in his Giambi Roids costume with a guy wearing the best costume ever! My favorite part is how happy Jeff is that he's standing next to Dirty Sanchez.

I'd like to fill her cup up to the line with my slime. Actually, I wouldn't.

And what would Halloween be without a child molester?

Jeff with Asian Elvis.

Dis bloke gets mad respeck fo pimpin like my main man, Ali G.

And of course, the most important late night stop: Julia's Empanadas.