Happy Cinco de Mayo!
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Job search between exams
I took my tax exam last night and even though the premise behind all of the questions was the Washington Nationals, it did not make the exam any more enjoyable. In fact, I think it distracted me more than anything. I'm pretty sure I'll pass, mostly because I was wearing my lucky drawers and they haven't let me down yet. To clarify, these lucky drawers are lucky test taking drawers, not lucky sexual drawers (or even lucky job-getting drawers), of which I have none.
I sent out a few more feelers for jobs today (aka: unsolicited emails and resumes to companies). I'm not expecting much in return. I think of all the places I have applied (77), maybe 10 have actually emailed me back (and 8 of those have been to say no). I'm still trying to live the dream and go to a sports agency (preferably NFL), so I'm scraping the bottom of the barrell. I applied to one place that doesn't even have any clients yet. I'm sure they could use my skills in whatever it is they do without any clients.
This brings me to the old story about idiots sending shoes to potential employers (trying to "get their foot in the door."). Eveyone in every HR department across the country seems to say this is the dumbest, corniest thing they have ever heard of. Well, I have a great idea that would really impress people. I'd send my own severed foot in an igloo cooler and actually get my foot in the door. Then they would have to hire me. Of course, it is risky because you can only pull it off twice, but I guess you could start sending other severed body parts if the first two didn't work out. But really, what employer is not going to at least call you back after you send them a severed foot? And who doesn't love amputees?
Still, there are certain standards I have for jobs. I'm willing to move, but I'm not going to move to Texas, Utah, Ohio, or Illinois. If I'm going to sever my foot, it better at least be sunny where I'm going because I can't imagine what kind of smells eminate from a rained-on wheelchair (or prosthetic foot for that matter). I know Texas is probably sunny most of the time, but I don't consider it to be part of the US. If I'm going to move out of the country, its not going to be to Texas. I'll tell you that much right now.
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I got my Sports Law grade back already. The outcome: A-. Why the minus? I don't know either. Every semester at least 2 professors will dock me half a grade (A to A- or B+ to B, for example) for no apparent reason. It must be something about the aura I give off (the unemployable aura). I have no idea why this happens, but it always does. I'm fully expecting a B in Real Estate Planning even though my group will probably get an A- or B+. How do I know this? I rocked my parts of the paper and definitely brought in points that none of the other groups thought of. Therefore, since I think I did well, I'll get screwed and my 2 professor grade docking theory will hold up.
I worked out a formula to give myself .3 grade points in 2 classes per semester and that comes out to a .24 total raise in my GPA (I did this on my phone calculator, so don't expect it to be accurate at all). While that might not boost me up to Magna Cum Laude (he he... cum), it would make my GPA real respectible-like. Good thing I don't give a shite, so the joke's on you professors! All I'm trying to do at this point is pass and get the fuck out of here.
I sent out a few more feelers for jobs today (aka: unsolicited emails and resumes to companies). I'm not expecting much in return. I think of all the places I have applied (77), maybe 10 have actually emailed me back (and 8 of those have been to say no). I'm still trying to live the dream and go to a sports agency (preferably NFL), so I'm scraping the bottom of the barrell. I applied to one place that doesn't even have any clients yet. I'm sure they could use my skills in whatever it is they do without any clients.
This brings me to the old story about idiots sending shoes to potential employers (trying to "get their foot in the door."). Eveyone in every HR department across the country seems to say this is the dumbest, corniest thing they have ever heard of. Well, I have a great idea that would really impress people. I'd send my own severed foot in an igloo cooler and actually get my foot in the door. Then they would have to hire me. Of course, it is risky because you can only pull it off twice, but I guess you could start sending other severed body parts if the first two didn't work out. But really, what employer is not going to at least call you back after you send them a severed foot? And who doesn't love amputees?
Still, there are certain standards I have for jobs. I'm willing to move, but I'm not going to move to Texas, Utah, Ohio, or Illinois. If I'm going to sever my foot, it better at least be sunny where I'm going because I can't imagine what kind of smells eminate from a rained-on wheelchair (or prosthetic foot for that matter). I know Texas is probably sunny most of the time, but I don't consider it to be part of the US. If I'm going to move out of the country, its not going to be to Texas. I'll tell you that much right now.
**********************************************************************
I got my Sports Law grade back already. The outcome: A-. Why the minus? I don't know either. Every semester at least 2 professors will dock me half a grade (A to A- or B+ to B, for example) for no apparent reason. It must be something about the aura I give off (the unemployable aura). I have no idea why this happens, but it always does. I'm fully expecting a B in Real Estate Planning even though my group will probably get an A- or B+. How do I know this? I rocked my parts of the paper and definitely brought in points that none of the other groups thought of. Therefore, since I think I did well, I'll get screwed and my 2 professor grade docking theory will hold up.
I worked out a formula to give myself .3 grade points in 2 classes per semester and that comes out to a .24 total raise in my GPA (I did this on my phone calculator, so don't expect it to be accurate at all). While that might not boost me up to Magna Cum Laude (he he... cum), it would make my GPA real respectible-like. Good thing I don't give a shite, so the joke's on you professors! All I'm trying to do at this point is pass and get the fuck out of here.
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Eggs ala Catheter
In my ongiong war against my body, I have been forced to come up with new and interesting takes on what some might call an unhealthy diet. My favorite dish that I have created so far is something I think I invented. I'll call it eggs ala catheter. The only downside of this dish is that it takes a fair amount of time to prepare and might give you the Acapulco splatters.
First, you hard boil as many eggs as you would like. I only eat the egg whites in this dish, so that must be accounted for in preparation. 6 is a decent sized portion of whites. I'm not sure what it would taste like with the yolks, but I'm guessing not too good. So hard boil those fuckers.
Second, after you have deshelled them and taken the yolks out, spray some Pam in a frying pan and put the eggs in there. Fry them until they have a nice golden brown color (or whatever you want).
Third, adorn the eggs with whatever condiment you like. I usually go with Sirachi sauce (a spicy Thai sauce). This makes the meal hurt so good.
Enjoy!
First, you hard boil as many eggs as you would like. I only eat the egg whites in this dish, so that must be accounted for in preparation. 6 is a decent sized portion of whites. I'm not sure what it would taste like with the yolks, but I'm guessing not too good. So hard boil those fuckers.
Second, after you have deshelled them and taken the yolks out, spray some Pam in a frying pan and put the eggs in there. Fry them until they have a nice golden brown color (or whatever you want).
Third, adorn the eggs with whatever condiment you like. I usually go with Sirachi sauce (a spicy Thai sauce). This makes the meal hurt so good.
Enjoy!
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Worst #1 Pick Ever
As if they could afford to spare the extra bodies in the post, the Wizards decided to suspend Kwame Brown for the rest of the playoffs essentially for being a pussy. You can read about it here: Link. It seems that Brown was not even in the building last night due to "sickness." Keep in mind that this is a home game and he could have showed up in street clothes and sat on the bench or in the locker room or even in Abe Pollin's (the real-life Mr. Burns) luxury box. But no, Kwame is the biggest pussy the NBA has ever seen. I'm glad Coach Jordan suspended him for the rest of the playoffs (read: 3 more games for the Wiz).
Unfortunately, this all but seals the deal ensuring Kwame will not be on the team next year and thus, was a complete waste of a draft pick. First he does not make a significant impact his rookie year. Fine. I wish we had drafted Pau Gasol, but we can wait. Brown has...potential. Then he cries about how MJ and Collins yell at him during practice. Ok, maybe they were too hard on him. Jordan was washed up and Collins had no idea what was going on. Now he still does not contribute much and thats only when he's not injured. Unbelievable. He can't even come to the arena when he's not playing? Bullshit. Even JPR (that's John Peter Ramos, owner of the first 7 foot Puerto Rican cornrow mullet) shows up to the games.
I have no doubt that Kwame will catch on somewhere else next year (if he decides not to retire) and finally break out. Its what happens to all of Washington's players. We either get them when they are too young to know how to play or too old and washed up to care anymore. This team was supposed to be different. We have a core of young guys that could really do something next year (if we get some inside defensive presence). Now we have to trade Kwame Brown at 50 cents on the dollar (and it was a canadian dollar to begin with) and watch him actually start to care for a different team next year. Such is the life of a Wizards fan.
Hey Kwame, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out of DC. And don't forget to bring your case of Vagisil with you, punk.
Unfortunately, this all but seals the deal ensuring Kwame will not be on the team next year and thus, was a complete waste of a draft pick. First he does not make a significant impact his rookie year. Fine. I wish we had drafted Pau Gasol, but we can wait. Brown has...potential. Then he cries about how MJ and Collins yell at him during practice. Ok, maybe they were too hard on him. Jordan was washed up and Collins had no idea what was going on. Now he still does not contribute much and thats only when he's not injured. Unbelievable. He can't even come to the arena when he's not playing? Bullshit. Even JPR (that's John Peter Ramos, owner of the first 7 foot Puerto Rican cornrow mullet) shows up to the games.
I have no doubt that Kwame will catch on somewhere else next year (if he decides not to retire) and finally break out. Its what happens to all of Washington's players. We either get them when they are too young to know how to play or too old and washed up to care anymore. This team was supposed to be different. We have a core of young guys that could really do something next year (if we get some inside defensive presence). Now we have to trade Kwame Brown at 50 cents on the dollar (and it was a canadian dollar to begin with) and watch him actually start to care for a different team next year. Such is the life of a Wizards fan.
Hey Kwame, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out of DC. And don't forget to bring your case of Vagisil with you, punk.
Tuesday Treat
I am in the middle of exams right now. Actually, I haven't started taking them yet, so I'm technically not in the middle. Its more like I'm about to take exams. At least I have been studying (sort of) over the past couple of days. What is the point of all of this? One of my exams is a 48 hour take home (for a 2 credit class, this is unheard of. the professor must think nobody actually paid attention or did reading the whole semester). Originally, the exam date was yesterday at 9 am. When I got to school today, the idea popped into my head that maybe it was due 48 hours from Monday at 9am. This sent me into quite the panicked rush to the registrar's office. I'm sure I could complete this exam within the allotted time left, but I didn't really want to do it yet. Plus, I still have to study for my Federal Personal Income Tax law class tomorrow(I definitely only wrote the full title of that class to impress people who think all I take are dumb classes like media law and aerobics). Anyway, it turns out that I can pick up the exam whenever I want. Point: Catheter Man.
A quick update. This treat is from www.barelylegalblog.blogspot.com (I know. Great name, right?) I think it sums up law school pretty well.
People You Meet During Exams #2: The Braggart
The polar opposite of The Possum is The Braggart. Obviously, this is the person (usually a guy) who has the unyielding desire to inform everybody of his extensive exam preperations. The Braggart is painfully ignorant of any sort of efficiency theory, choosing to substitute quantity over quality when it comes to studying. Nothing vexes the Braggart more than those who choose to spend even one waking moment during exam time on anything other than studying. Unless, of course, they are bragging.
One of the most entertaining interactions you can witness is the meeting of two Braggarts on the way to the library restroom or in the computer lab. Similar to a meeting between two Bull Moose, they will figuratively butt heads in a struggle for bragging supremicy.
Braggart A: "I'm exhausted, I've been here for eight hours."
Braggart B: "Really? I've been here for ten and I'm just getting started."
Braggart A: "Well, I just finished my Tax outline. It's 60 pages long."
Braggart B: "60? Is that all? Mine is 75, and I finished a week ago. But I'm sure you'll still pass."
Braggart B has won. He is the new Alpha of the bragging nerds. Braggart A must retreat back to his cubicle to see if he can lengthen that tax outline at all.
The Braggart seethes when he finds out that someone is doing well in law school by merely using their notes and a commercial outline. "Judas," he mutters to himself as he pulls himself onto his cross of self sacrifice. Hey, Braggart, its a simple cost/benefit analysis (and don't forget who got the 30 pieces of silver at the end of the day).
A quick update. This treat is from www.barelylegalblog.blogspot.com (I know. Great name, right?) I think it sums up law school pretty well.
People You Meet During Exams #2: The Braggart
The polar opposite of The Possum is The Braggart. Obviously, this is the person (usually a guy) who has the unyielding desire to inform everybody of his extensive exam preperations. The Braggart is painfully ignorant of any sort of efficiency theory, choosing to substitute quantity over quality when it comes to studying. Nothing vexes the Braggart more than those who choose to spend even one waking moment during exam time on anything other than studying. Unless, of course, they are bragging.
One of the most entertaining interactions you can witness is the meeting of two Braggarts on the way to the library restroom or in the computer lab. Similar to a meeting between two Bull Moose, they will figuratively butt heads in a struggle for bragging supremicy.
Braggart A: "I'm exhausted, I've been here for eight hours."
Braggart B: "Really? I've been here for ten and I'm just getting started."
Braggart A: "Well, I just finished my Tax outline. It's 60 pages long."
Braggart B: "60? Is that all? Mine is 75, and I finished a week ago. But I'm sure you'll still pass."
Braggart B has won. He is the new Alpha of the bragging nerds. Braggart A must retreat back to his cubicle to see if he can lengthen that tax outline at all.
The Braggart seethes when he finds out that someone is doing well in law school by merely using their notes and a commercial outline. "Judas," he mutters to himself as he pulls himself onto his cross of self sacrifice. Hey, Braggart, its a simple cost/benefit analysis (and don't forget who got the 30 pieces of silver at the end of the day).
Monday, May 02, 2005
Catheter Man: Simpsons Writer?
Ladies and gentlemen, I have a job. Sure, I might not be getting paid for it and nobody will even acknowledge it, but I am a writer for The Simpsons. It feels good to finally have a dream come true. Now, if I can only get some sort of monthly stipend, it would be all good.
For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, last night during the second Simpsons (the one about Bart getting fat), there was a part where Marge wanted him to try health foods. He looked at a tub of cottage cheese and said, "It looks like somebody already ate this." Some of my more astute readers might have remembered that exact line from my post of 4/20/05, entitled: "I hate white food." Therefore, I am a joke writer for The Simpsons now.
I know they probably make these scripts months in advance and record them weeks in advance, but its kind of a major coincidence that I wrote that exact joke a week before this episode aired. This is much stranger than seeing that African guy three times. I can only assume that some writer from the Simpsons found my site and is stealing material.
If there is someone at The Simpsons reading this site, please hire me. I only have about 2 more weeks until I am officially unemployed again and I'd love to get Yeardly Smith's coffee. And next time you steal a joke from me, just mention me in the show or something. Then I could die in peace.
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Big ups to Family Guy for a great comeback episode. I'm glad they warned me about the animated nudity, so I could properly prepare (take off my pants). I loved the intro when Peter listed all the shows Fox put on Sunday nights in between this episode and the last one. Some of those shows were great (like Undeclared and Andy Richter Controls the Universe). Some were just horrible (like The Pitts). Fuck it, I have it on Tivo, I'll list them out for you: Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That 80's Show, Wonder Falls, Fast Lane, Andy Richter Controls the Universe, Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, Freakylinks, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunman, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, King Eddie, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric the Entertainer, The Tick, Louie, and Greg the Bunny.
On the other end of the spectrum, American Dad is still not there yet. I just don't like it. I hope it doesn't become the King of the Hill to Family Guy's Beavis and Butthead. That would be a tragedy. Honestly, is there any logical explanation why King of the Hill has been on as long as it has? A non-funny comedy hasn't made this long of a run since Arli$$ (ZING!).
For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, last night during the second Simpsons (the one about Bart getting fat), there was a part where Marge wanted him to try health foods. He looked at a tub of cottage cheese and said, "It looks like somebody already ate this." Some of my more astute readers might have remembered that exact line from my post of 4/20/05, entitled: "I hate white food." Therefore, I am a joke writer for The Simpsons now.
I know they probably make these scripts months in advance and record them weeks in advance, but its kind of a major coincidence that I wrote that exact joke a week before this episode aired. This is much stranger than seeing that African guy three times. I can only assume that some writer from the Simpsons found my site and is stealing material.
If there is someone at The Simpsons reading this site, please hire me. I only have about 2 more weeks until I am officially unemployed again and I'd love to get Yeardly Smith's coffee. And next time you steal a joke from me, just mention me in the show or something. Then I could die in peace.
********************************************************
Big ups to Family Guy for a great comeback episode. I'm glad they warned me about the animated nudity, so I could properly prepare (take off my pants). I loved the intro when Peter listed all the shows Fox put on Sunday nights in between this episode and the last one. Some of those shows were great (like Undeclared and Andy Richter Controls the Universe). Some were just horrible (like The Pitts). Fuck it, I have it on Tivo, I'll list them out for you: Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That 80's Show, Wonder Falls, Fast Lane, Andy Richter Controls the Universe, Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, Freakylinks, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunman, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, King Eddie, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric the Entertainer, The Tick, Louie, and Greg the Bunny.
On the other end of the spectrum, American Dad is still not there yet. I just don't like it. I hope it doesn't become the King of the Hill to Family Guy's Beavis and Butthead. That would be a tragedy. Honestly, is there any logical explanation why King of the Hill has been on as long as it has? A non-funny comedy hasn't made this long of a run since Arli$$ (ZING!).
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