The Orioles Game

Even though I made a promise to myself that I would no longer willingly give money to Peter Angelos once Washington got a baseball team, I went to the Orioles game yesterday because of a previous promise to my girlfriend's little brother that I would take him to a baseball game at Camden Yards. We learned the previous night that Erik Bedard would be starting for the Orioles. This was great because he is both the Orioles' only good pitcher and on my fantasy team (which is currently in 2nd place). Also, Rafael Palmiero would be making his return to the starting lineup for the first time since being suspended for steriod use. Finally, the weather was supposed to be Africa hot, with a chance of thunderstorms.

We departed my apartment at about 11:30. Girlfriend did not want to go that early even though I told her the game started at 1 (it really started at 1:35). It normally takes about 1 hour to get to Baltimore from here and there are always little things that add time on to the trip. So I figured we would get there about an hour early, with plenty of time to take in the sights and get some food at the park. Her little brother is 13 and a big baseball fan, so I knew he'd want the complete Camden Yards experience.

We got to Baltimore at about 12:30 and entered the stadium near the Eutaw Street gate (where the warehouse is). I had purchased tickets in the center field seats. I think they are some of the best seats in the park and only cost $15. We were about 20 rows up, but decided that we would move up if nobody came and sat in the front. At this point I should mention that it was hot as balls. And the centerfield seats are in direct sunlight for the whole game. It was basically like sitting on the surface of the sun. So we figured we would be able to move later on because only idiots like me would be at this game.

We went over to Eutaw Street to get some food. Boog's BBQ has been a Camden Yards staple since its creation, but I have never really liked it that much. Sure, BBQ is good, but mass produced BBQ is rarely worth the exorbitant stadium pricing. I was happy to find a new BBQ place next to Boog's: Bambino BBQ. This one specialized in ribs. Because what is better than eating piping hot ribs on a 100 degree day? So me and girlfriend's little brother got the ribs platter with a souvenier soda at the bargain price of a combined $34. I'm not joking.

By the way, I'm pissed off at the general malaise of stadiums (stadia?) regarding "souvenier" cups. What the fuck? They are so cheap these days. They don't even have team logos or schedules on them. Usually its just a plastic cup with either a generic sports theme or the brand of soda on it. Not even worth keeping. Bring back the team logos or even player-specific cups. There was a time when souvenier meant that it was worth bringing home. The cups they use now look so cheap, I'm not sure if they would survive a cycle in the dishwasher. I'm no economist (or anything else for that matter), but I bet if you had a cup with (for example) Miguel Tejada on it, people would want to buy it a lot more than the generic Coca Cola cup.

So we get back to our seats and eat our food before the game starts. Girlfriend immediately decides that she's going to spend most of the day in the air-conditioned sports bar in the Warehouse because its fucking hot and she's not feeling well (which begins an afternoon full of "BM" jokes). Speaking of the weather. It was so hot that you had to comment on how hot it was about once every half hour. Never has the phrase, "Its so hot! Milk was a bad choice." been used so much. Since it was so hot and I needed to get my tan back, off came the shirt.

The game started around 1:35 and the first inning was brutal. We had a belly full of ribs and had been out in the sun for an hour already. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that the first inning took no less than 40 minutes to complete. The O's let up a few runs and then scored a couple in the bottom half of the inning. The best hit of the day was Byrnes' shot off the centerfield wall. Then Palmiero came up. There was a combination of boos and cheering, the likes of which probably has never been seen at a home game. One family in our area even stood with their backs turned to Palmiero for his at bat. Of course, he gets an out and the inning ended mercifully.

At this point, we went over to the short porch in right field, where there was one of those mist tents and free cups of ice. It was so hot out there. Milk was a bad choice. The best part of the free ice, other than it being free was that the guy handing it out had one of those chicken wings instead of a fully functional arm. Those of you who were at Turks and Caicos with me can imagine my glee. We went back to the seats and this time went directly to the front row, a couple of sections over. Here we were about 30 feet from Sammy Sosa, who was doing his best to continue his worst year in the majors to date.

The rest of the game was pretty uneventful, save for the Blue Jays' centerfielder losing a ball in the sun and then having it nail him in the leg on the way down. By the end of the game, the Orioles were down by 3 in the bottom of the 9th. They got 2 runs back with a man on 2nd and 2 outs. Palmiero came up to the plate with a chance to redeem himself in the eyes of Baltimore, nay, the world. Of course he pops out and the game ends disappointingly. Fortunately, I was able to get a good tan as well as some suprisingly good ribs at the game. Plus, we got to sit in the front row for pretty much the entire game, so we got that going for us, which is nice. Regardless, I would still rather not give any money to Peter Angelos ever again given the choice. The man could be the biggest douchebag in sports, and that includes Drew Rosenhaus.

To cap it all off, once we got home we were treated to 2 dog puke stains on my comforter. Indeed, a good time was had by all.

5 Guys

Today I went to my girlfriend's office to hang out for
part of the day because due to my unemployable status,
I don't get out much. This means that I am usually at
home all day playing with the dog and waiting for
emails from employers that never come. The best part
of girlfriend's office is that its near a Five Guys.

So I went to 5 guys for lunch and ordered a hamburger
with lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and jalapeno peppers.
One great thing about 5 guys is that they have a huge
box of peanuts in the shell for people to eat while
they are waiting. You all should remember how I feel
about those with peanut allergies (they deserve to
die), so I love this statement of defiance. I love
peanuts in the shell. You know what my favorite is?
When you get that little retarded peanut that is all
shriveled up and tastes like pure dirt. That is the best.

Anyway, after I eat my peanuts and go up to the
counter to wait for my order, I get it and take it
back to the office (girlfriend's partner was not there
today because she's at some Jesus convention learning
how to lie more effectively). I get back to the office
and flare my nostrils in olfactory anticipation for
the smorgasbord of triglycerides I'm about to consume
when I notice something seriously wrong with my
burger. There are no onions and no jalapeno peppers.
What the fuck? Its not like it was busy in there and
the guy at the counter got overwhelmed. Its not like I
had an unusual or unnecessarily large order. Easy.
Lettuce, Tomato, Onion, hot peppers. I'm so pissed
about this. I could have easily fixed this and treated
the people that work there like mental defectives had
I eaten at the restaurant, but now that I'm at the
office, its not worth it to go all the way back.

I worked in the food service industry (delivering
pizza and working at the counter of a pizza place for
2 weeks until the owner had my friend fire me and my
otehr friend for, amongst other reasons, being "too
fucking tall.") Taking and delivering a correct order
is not that hard. I'm sure I did it high off my ass
many times. The morons at 5 guys didn't even look like
they were on any kind of drugs. And yet, I'm sure its
people like this that are getting the jobs that I
apply for. There's no pride anymore. I blame it on the
American Corporation separating the average joe (not
Mesh or Holcman) so far from the decision making and
the opportunity for advancement that nobody cares
anymore. Thats why I'm moving to Samoa.

Keywords

Since nothing of interest has happened to me today (except for pooping three times), I decided to go with a post that is completely stolen from Jason Mulgrew. Recently, I signed up for a website that tracks keywords, hits, and even locations of my readers. The most interesting thing other than the fact that I'm apparently huge in Williamsburg, Virginia, are the keywords that people use to find this site via various search engines. Below are a list of some of my favorites.

Keywords:

Blubber Belly
Free Borf Tee
Bunkmate Game Questions
Steve Hutchinson Herpes
Michigan Fab 5 Tee Shirts
TV Show Starring Kate Milgrew
Array
DC G-Unit Afterparty
LSU Thunderstruck
Flags of our Fathers
Calling a girl for the first time
Video clips of Demarcus Ware
After Party Agent

I think my favorite one has to be "Steve Hutchinson Herpes." I have no idea why someone would search for that, but my best guess is that some potential girlfriend of Steve's is trying to check up on his medical records using Google. Thank god we don't live in a world where that is possible... yet.

I just wanted to say thanks to all my readers, especially those who don't even know me.

Flags of our Fathers, an acting debut.

Today I had my first acting gig since the infamous Washington Apple incident in fourth grade. If I was in a business, I'd say I was in the wrong business because acting is the easiest job ever. I basically got paid to dress up and sweat my balls off for about six hours. I know it gets a little harder when you actually have to act, but those people got paid much more than I did and they got to have air conditioned trailers to retire to in between takes. Anyway, here's approximately what happened.

12:00 am last night
I had already called the extras hotline to see when and where I had to show up today and it wasn't too bad. 7:15 am at Pentagon City Mall. We would be taken by bus to the hotel where our costumes were and then to the set. So I set my alarm clock for 5:30 am, an hour I have not seen since, well, I don't even remember. This was going to be a tough wake up because I had just gotten back from going to a wedding in Philly and staying at my girlfriend's parents' place. I am accustomed to sleeping in, especially after weddings and girlfriend and her family have what I refer to as an "I'm up, everybody's up" policy. That and her bedroom door desperately needing a hefty dose of WD40 ensured that I woke up way too early to have been properly rested to wake up early the next day. I was so tired that I even slept on the bus a little on the way home (and I can never sleep on busses or planes). Incidentally, there was some dude named Marquise (I think) on the bus who was a singer and he was calling everyone he knew saying that there was a bidding war for his contract between Roc-a-Fella, Universal, Sony, and Warner Brothers. So look out for Marquise.

Early: This morning.
So I woke up this morning at about 6:15, thinking I only had pressed snooze once. Guess it was more like five times. Dammit! I jumped in the shower, shaved, and did my hair 50's style even though it was going to be covered by a hat. I was out the door and to the Metro by 6:30. Since I absolutely am not a morning person, I have become adept at maximizing each second of time to allow me to wake up as late as I possibly can, while still being the first person at the office (or school). It paid off here, as I was able to not be late, even though I woke up about 45 minutes later than I wanted.

I got my free papers at the Metro stop and was greeted by some of the best news I've ever heard: some businessmen bought the Roy Rogers brand back from whoever had it and are going to bring back Roy's in this area! SWEET! Roy's is bar none the best fast food place ever. Their bacon cheeseburgers are probably what I'll be having for my last meal when I'm on death row. The only places they have Roy's these days are in Manhattan and on the New Jersey turnpike, which is why the value meals cost about $10, but if they are in normal areas, that should drastically cut the price and the amount of ugly and fat people who clog up the lines. But I digress.

7:00 am
I get to Pentagon City Mall and get on one of the busses to the hotel. Early as usual, even though I woke up really late. Thats just the kind of cat I am. That is just one of the workplace skills I bring which never gets noticed. Once the bus fills up, they take us to the hotel and its down to wardrobe. I get into my suit, hat, and overcoat and leave my jeans and backpack with my hangers so that I don't have to carry them around all day. Once someone checks me out and deems me ready for the big screen, I'm off to some ballroom for the highlight of the day: free breakfast. Unfortunately, as I suspected, they did not have Diet Coke (or any sodas for that matter) at the breakfast, so I had some water with my breakfast burrito and croissant. As soon as I put the last bite of breakfast into my mouth it was off to another bus to be driven to the set, the Iwo Jima Memorial.

8:00 am
We arrive at the memorial where some of the other extras already are. We were to be playing the crowd at the dedication of the memorial. The reason for the heavy clothes is that this was supposed to be taking place in November, not the best news for a hot, muggy day in August. Along with the other extras were "the inflatables." These were inflatable dummies that were just heads and torsos on the background chairs, dressed up in 50's attire as well. One of the other extras commented that we were a notch above them on the food chain. I replied with "Yeah, they get paid a little less than us." Not my best work, but give me a break, it was early.

So one of the crew people was placing the extras in certain areas of the crowd to fill it up and gets to my groups of people and says that we should go fill in the empty areas in the middle. I went right for the second row of the middle. I'd say I was about 10 people from the center aisle on the right side (facing the stage) in the second row. I have no idea if this is a good spot, but at least I'd get to see whatever was going on in front of me pretty well. Then, we played the waiting game. I know, I wanted to play Hungry Hungry Hippos also.

10:00 am
I think this was when everything was finally ready to shoot. I caught my first glimpse of Clint Eastwood. He was wearing a tee shirt, khaki pants, and one of those baseball caps that is probably from a ski resort out west where the brim way too big, is a different color than the rest of it, and not broken in properly. They do some shots of the monument and Marines crossing in front of the crowd and its starting to get hot. Really hot. At some point the stars came out to take their places. They were on the other side of the center aisle in the front row, about 25 feet from me. Some people may have been excited about Ryan Phillipe, some may have been excited about Jesse Bradford, but not me. I was psyched to be in the same movie as Adam Beach. Yes, that Adam Beach! For those of you who have been living under a rock for the last 10 years, Adam Beach played Kicking Wing in Joe Dirt, probably the finest motion picture since The Godfather.

We had a short break, which I wanted to take advantage of. I went to look at the vintage cars on the set and then to the craft services table. They had water, gatorade, iced coffee and all sorts of snacks there for the taking. They even had a sno cone maker. I opted for a strawberry Nutri Grain bar and a mini muffin and washed it down with some watery gatorade before I returned to the set. Little did I know that this would be our last break, as Clint Eastwood is known for not wasting any time as a director. Dammit, I should have gone for the sno cone.

Noon
The only way I know what the approximate times were for these things was the bell tower at Arlington National cemetery. Since my watch was not even close to being 50's style, I did not wear it. At noon, the bell tower did its normal thing followed by 12 dongs (ha!), signifying the time. After that, it played the theme song for each branch of the military. I think they might have even played the coast guard song because there were definitely more than 4. I thought that we might stop filming for a few minutes to keep their heads ringing, but I guess that won't be picked up by the mics.

At this point the lack of sleep and weather were really getting to me. Between takes, I basically closed my eyes and tried to rest. Not that easy when you are wearing 10 lbs of clothes in 90 degree weather. This was also about the point when We were visited by another "celebrity." Donald Rumsfeld and his military contingent came down to press the flesh and be seen. He even brought his own camera crew with him. This visit will be used for some sort of propaganda about Iraq, no doubt.

1:30
I was switched to a different area for a shot of the end of the ceremony. Everyone was supposed to get up and look like they were leaving the area once the Marines crossed in front of the crowd. We did about 4 takes of this before I was moved to the other side, where we did the same type of thing. I'm not sure if you will be able to see me in the movie, but look for a guy with a grey overcoat and black fedora on. I'll definitely have to get the DVD and comb through it to see if I can actually recognize myself, as I'll probably be out of focus, if I'm in it at all.

At about 2, it started raining, which was nice because the weather cooled off a little. It also meant that we would be finishing up. We did about 2 more takes and everyone went back to the busses. I got on one of the first ones and we went back to the hotel. Once there, I returned my costume and got my pay slip signed and was ready to go. Not a bad day, especially if you consider that this was my first paying job in about 3 years. If only I could do this every day, I wouldn't have to get a real job. Maybe I should move to LA.

Throw yo program up!

I was going to write a post today but I can't imagine a situation where I can do better than this. It compares college football programs to rappers. Even though I'd say Michigan is more like the Beastie Boys than Rakim, this guy is pretty accurate and funny.

John Cusack must be stopped!

If there is one actor who has continuously worked against modern man, its Hugh Grant. But he's British, so he doesn't count. One man has sabotaged his bretheren into having to see some of the worst movies ever created... romantic "comedies." His name is John Cusack and he must be stopped.

I am herebly imploring all men to institute the John Cusack Rule. It states: If, in the event I go to the movies with a member of the opposite sex, and I am forced into seeing what may be considered a "date movie," I will not see any movie wherein John Cusack has top billing because I have a penis and testicles, and therefore cannot possible enjoy said movie. Men the world over have joined me in this pledge, not because we hate John Cusack persay, but because we hate the movies he makes. If you can't remember this pledge, you should print it out and keep it in your wallet in case of a Cusack emergency.

It is a shame that Mr. Cusack has lost all male credibility. As a young actor, he was in some funny stuff. Here is a timeline of his movie career with comments by me: Major F'ing Star.

Class (1983) .... Roscoe Maibaum
Never saw this one, but its hs first movie so he probably didn't have much of a part. So, needless to say, its probably not a romantic "comedy."

Sixteen Candles (1984) .... Bryce
I didn't really ever see this one either. Is this the one with Long Duck Dong? Either way, you have to respect a movie with a stereotypical 80's Asian foreign exchange student. We have to bring that era back. This is every girl's favorite 80's movie. This is where Cusack probably saw what his core audience could be... and liked it.

Stand by Me (1986) .... Denny Lachance
Best movie ever. Amount Cusack is in...about 3 minutes. Coincidence? I think not. By the way, I'm skipping some of the movies he's done that I don't know. Its just easier that way.

One Crazy Summer (1986) .... Hoops McCann
Is this the movie with Demi Moore and Bobcat Goldthwait where they build that boat? What a weird fucking flick. Never really saw it. That means that I have probably seen bits and pieces of it on HBO and Comedy Central over the years, but was never really interested enough to watch the whole thing in one sitting.

Broadcast News (1987) (as John Cusak) .... Angry Messenger
I think this one was supposed to be a good movie, and seeing as how Cusack probably had a small part (angy messenger), I wouldn't doubt it.

Eight Men Out (1988) .... Buck Weaver
Have I seen any John Cusack movies? Even a baseball movie with him in it keeps me away from the theater. Again, I heard this one was good but never really saw it.

Tapeheads (1988) .... Ivan Alexeev
This was one of those movies that you used to pass in the video store about 20 times when you were in high school and said to yourself, "self, maybe I should check that one out" but then saw a copy of Porky's Revenge and looked at that instead. Oh, and I never saw this one either.

Say Anything... (1989) .... Lloyd Dobler
Girls, get your fingering fingers ready... Say Anything! Chicks love this movie. I, of course, haven't seen it. In fact, if you are a guy and you have seen this movie, you should probably go to the restroom right now and check to see if you have a penis. You may have had one on the way into the theater, but I bet it shriveled up and fell of by the time this one was over. The only thing I know about this movie is that Cusack plays a pussy who holds a boom box over his head for his girl.

The Grifters (1990) .... Roy Dillon
Its getting to be kind of rediculous. I haven't seen this one either, but I know the title. I'm guessing it was boring.

True Colors (1991) .... Peter Burton
Didn't see it.

Bob Roberts (1992) .... Cutting Edge Host
Didn't see it.

The Road to Wellville (1994) .... Charles Ossining
Now we're getting somewhere. I actually saw this one. Any movie where someone has to crap in a baking pan is on my short list. Regardless of that, this was a fucking strange movie that Cusack didn't make any better or worse.

City Hall (1996) .... Deputy Mayor Kevin Calhoun
Didn't see it.

Grosse Pointe Blank (1997) .... Martin Q. Blank
I saw parts of this one, but I think the double Cusack billing creeped me out and made me not want to watch it. Some people really liked this movie. I can't say I was one of them.

Con Air (1997) .... U.S. Marshal Vince Larkin
The last of the Mohicans is burning! Dave Chappelle's breakout role. Solid cast in this one. But could they have casted a worse US Marshal than Cusack? Maybe Stephen Hawking.

Anastasia (1997) (voice) .... Dimitri
A Disney movie that nobody saw. Thats pretty hard to accomplish. Kudos!

Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil (1997) .... John Kelso
Wasn't this based on a book? Thats all I know about it because I didn't see it.

The Thin Red Line (1998) .... Captain John Gaff
This movie was hilarious. Martin Lawrence was great in it. Oh wait, that was The Thin Blue Line. This was a Viet Nam movie that nobody liked.

Pushing Tin (1999) .... Nick Falzone
A movie about air traffic controllers... sweet. In case you couldn't tell, I was being sarcastic.

Cradle Will Rock (1999) .... Nelson Rockefeller
Didn't see it.

Being John Malkovich (1999) .... Craig Schwartz
Finally. It took Charlie Kaufman to make Cusack respectable again. Great movie, if only for how friggin weird it was.

High Fidelity (2000) .... Rob Gordon
Here's another movie where Cusack plays a pussy, but it was entertaining because of Jack Black.

America's Sweethearts (2001) .... Eddie Thomas
The title alone was enough to make me not want to see this one.

Serendipity (2001) .... Jonathan Trager
I saw this on a plane. I have never wanted to be in a firey plane crash more than when I was watching this garbage.

Runaway Jury (2003) .... Nicholas Easter
This one is on HBO all the time now. Even though I usually like the Grisham stuff, Cusak makes this movie so boring that I have never been able to sit all the way through it.

And finally,

Must Love Dogs (2005) .... Jake
If there is a guy whose girlfriend hasn't said, "that looks good," I'd like to meet her. This one just makes me angry when I see the ads. Come on John, you're not even trying anymore.

As you can see, John Cusack once had a promising career ahead of him. Some of his early movies were pretty good and he's made some decent choices in the recent past, but as a career, he's made some of the worst movies out there. To me, the term "Romantic Comedy" means one thing: not funny. It is because of these movies and hs overall portfolio that I am instituting the John Cusack Rule. Men everywhere are free to join me. He must be stopped.

The Aristocrats

For those of you who are sick bastards like myself, go to ifilm and search for The Aristocrats. Click on the South Park clip. It may be the best thing I have ever seen in my life. DO NOT OPEN IN THE PRESENCE OF ANY OTHER HUMAN BEINGS OR ANIMALS and for god's sake if you know what is good for you don't even think about it at work. Enjoy.