Getting a Job

After recently applying for my 183rd job, I decided to get a little help from the source of all things good and true: the internet(s). When I typed "how to find a job" into the Yahoo search engine, the first page that came up was "THE 50 cent HOW TO GET A JOB LECTURE OR EMPLOYERS HIRE PEOPLE THEY LIKE WHO THEY BELIEVE WILL FIT INTO THEIR ORGANIZATION." First of all, dude, stop screaming at me. Secondly, what does 50 Cent know about getting a job? Reading on, I learned that unfortunately, this site has nothing to do with Curtis Jackson (if that is Fiddy's real name). What follows are some highlights from this site and my reactions to them. Enjoy.

Suggestion #1:
KEEP A LOG

* Dates
* Places You Go
* Names of the People You Meet
* Impressions-What Happened?

Done and done. And I mean done. We're 183 jobs into the log. It ain't helping.

Suggestion #2:
Humans are afraid of people they do not know and humans take care of their buddies. It has been suggested that as many as 7 out 10 positions are filled through personal contacts. The better the job and the better the pay, the greater the chance it will be offered through a personal contact. If this is true, job seekers would be wise to make a list of every person they know and contact them for assistance finding a job.

With the exception of the J-man, why haven't you assholes found me a job yet??!?! This is clearly your fault. And after all I've done for you (probably nothing). For shame. For shame.

Suggestion #3:
Be aware of your appearance. Extremely beautiful people, with charming personalities who smell good, are well groomed and neatly dressed, have little trouble getting job offers. The rest of us should look in the mirror or ask someone we trust for an honest opinion of the image we are projecting. We can determine what outfit to wear by looking at what other employees wear to work. Would not jeans be more appropriate than a blue suit if applying for work on a farm?

Are you calling me ugly? Fuck you, asshole. I may not "smell attractive" or "wash my underwear" or "wear socks" or "fully chew my food" or "refrain from masturbating during an interview" or "make eye contact" or "show up sober" when I go to a potential employer, but that doesn't mean that I'm not qualified.

Suggestion #5:
How we fill out an application is as important as the information we put down. We must follow directions, be neat, complete and avoid spelling errors. The complete application is a reflection of how we deal with paper.

If you are too dumb to fucking fill out an application properly, you are too dumb to figure out the internet(s), so this one is pretty superfluous.

And finally...

Suggestion #6:
A short thank you note reminds the employer that we have applied for a job. We can express appreciation for the courtesy of an interview and confirm that we are interested in the position. If we do not hear from the employer within a reasonable period of time, we can always stop by and remind the employer we are still interested. You can say something like, "Just stopped by to say hello. I know you are busy. I do not want to be a pest, but I do not want you to forget me." If you really want the job, you can continue to make follow-up contacts until the employer hires you or tells you clearly that you are not being considered.

Or until they get security to escort you out of the building using "any means necessary" and leaving you in a crumpled, sobbing heap on the sidewalk with a rope belt, urine-soaked pants, and a half-finished bottle of Wild Irish Rose in your angry fist (not that that's ever happened to me).

So, as you can tell, I am getting pretty frustrated with this whole "working" situation. If not for selling textbooks on the internet, being an assistant swimming pool technician, winning money playing internet poker, and being an extra in movies, I'd be in deep dung right now. As it is, I am pretty fucked. If I don't get a job by New Year's, I'm seriously going to start hanging out at those day laborer stands.