Tuesday, February 28, 2006

American Idol Recap: Not this week

Sorry gang. I don't really feel like doing this tonight and tomorrow I will be out to dinner with girlfriend, celebrating her birthday. So tough cookies.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

The Don

Gone but not forgotten.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

It's on (Jason Mulgrew) 187um Killa

When I started this blog, I wanted a way to get noticed by some of the people who share my sick, twisted sense of humor. It was about that time that I discovered Jason Mulgrew's blog and nearly cried as I tried to contain my laughter during my Tax Law class. As I read some of his previous posts, I knew that his sense of humor mirrored mine and so did his writing (admittedly, his is slightly funnier because I have long given up the fat guy lifestyle for one more anorexia-based).

Everything is Wrong with me was one of the first blogs I had in my links section. In fact, I think it was the only one written by someone I did not know. Then, Mr. Mulgrew decided that he wanted some free publicity for his site. He offered a deal in which my blog could be linked on his "Friends of" section if I linked to him and told 10 people about it. Well, I knew a great deal when I saw it. I did exactly that (I didn't even use any fake email addresses either). Within a couple of weeks, my little corner of the internet was listed right there amongst such heavy hitters as Opinionistas and My Blog is Poop.

Everything went swimmingly for quite some time. But then it all changed. It seems as though young Jason is gone from face to heel. Jasamania has flipped into Hollywood Mulgrew. Today, Hollywood Mulgrew unveiled a new site design. A new site design that classifies the other blogs linked therein into "Awesome," "Famous," and "Other."

Now, normally I would not care about being thrown into the "other" category like so much dirty socks, but, unlike the Awesome and Famous categories, the Other category is not even on the front page. In fact, it is on a page that you can't even get to (yet?). I'm not even sure I'm on it. And for that, I am doing something that should have been done a long time ago. I'm starting a 90's rap style feud with Jason Mulgrew. That's right fat boy, its on.

For the purposes of this feud, I will be representing the East Coast, while "Hollywood" Mulgrew has just joined the Westside crew. Since you fired the first shot in this war, I will be taking your link off my front page when my lazy ass gets around to it. You will never be one of People's 50 hottest bachelors again without my link, bitch. My 4-4 makes sure none of your readership grow!

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

American Idol Recap: Just 12 of the Guys

I missed yesterday's show and wanted to get right into the guys competition. I told you I'd probably not follow through every time and what better way to prove it than not showing up for the first show? On the serious tip, I was at the Wizards game watching KG basically not caring at all and still throwing up a double-double (although not as impressive as Colediggy, Solomon, and that girl from Kentucky's double-double in Mexico). I'm not even going to get into the depressing, time-wasting career fair that preceded the game. Anyway, on with the recap.

Gay Aiken -- He actually claimed that he was going to distance himself from Clay Aiken with his song choice, but started out the night extra gay, wearing a pink shirt and singing gay anthem "Come to my Window" by Melissa Etheridge(sp?)... badly. Randy mumbled a few things about pitch and dog, but seemed to kind of like it. Paula basically said he shouldn't have sung it. Simon came with the real and called him out for being average at best.

Shawn Brumder -- Let the gayness continue. Mr. Crooner sings "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Queen. He looked like one of those chorus or drama douchebags from high school that thinks he's the shit at singing and tries to really emote during every word of every song, even if it sounds like hot garbage. Randy called him a boo-dagged-ass bitch. Paula was probably hopped up on goofballs because she didn't hate it. Once again, Simon says whats on everyone's mind. Shawn Brumder is a joke, but the jackasses of America probably like him.

Redneck -- admits that he has trouble remembering the lyrics at times. Hmm, I wonder if he has trouble remembering to bathe? He chose "Simple Man" by Lynard Skynard because he is "a simple man." He sounded like he gargled with used football cleats and smoked 3 cigars before singing tonight. Randy basically told him it sounded like he was giving birth, but he liked it. Paula said he is "growing." Simon called him raw, yet said he is no better than me (Catheter Man) singing Thunderstruck at a bar. Every time Redneck speaks, I check to see if I'm watching COPS instead of American Idol.

Sam Weir
-- He went with "I Want You Back" by the Jackson 5. In all seriousness (and Colediggy can back me up on this) I can sing this song better than he did. Randy said he liked Sam Weir for "trying to do his thing." Paula was reminded of Bobby Brady. EXACTLY. Why didn't I think of that? Simon brings it again. Kudos to him for calling Sam average. Paula then called on the Pantydroppers to scream for him and they did. Paula and Randy seem impressed that it was in tune. Simon is right. It was average. I could have done better.

Fat Joe -- He chose "Reasons" by Earth, Wind, and Fire. It sounded like Guy Hollerin singing "Sexual Healing" at a karaoke place, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Its just not his real singing voice. So, what are we supposed to jugde him on? Randy predictibly loved the Earth, Wind, and Fire song. Paula called him "amazing." Come on Simon. YES! Simon calls it a pimpy, third-rate version of the song. Thank you Simon. Why are the other judges even there?

Evil Jared
-- He already wins the craziest sideburns of the year award. He chose yet another of my karaoke favorites: "Dead or Alive" by Bon Jovi. I will admit that he sang it better than me. But just barely. If I were him, I would have left in the part about the loaded six string. Thats clearly where you can really kick it vocally. Randy called him very, very current even though he just did a song from about 10 years ago. Paula is basically fingering herself. Simon liked the song and called him the first one with potential of the night. I agree totally.

Nervous Tic
-- He is singing "One Last Cry" by Brian McKnight. He's actually not half bad compared with the others who have gone so far. Plus he has a lisp. Wouldn't it be great to have an American Idol with a lisp? He kind of reminds me of Radar O'Reilly. Randy liked him. Paula wishes her was her nerdy kid that was showing all the others up. Simon said he liked him, but he had the J Katz demographic (60 and above and 16 and below).

New Lenny Kravitz -- He actually looks like the black Chubbs. About 3 of my readers will get that, but I don't care. Its uncanny. he sang "Shout" by Otis Day and the Knights. Otis, my man! He's got the moves, but the vocals are average. Randy liked the song choice and the moves. Paula loved him. Simon called him the "warm up for the Chippendales." Classic. Simon must go to a lot of male strip shows.

Chinstrap Toothface
-- "If You Really Love Me" by Stevie Wonder. First impression: he'll be lucky to make it past this week. He was totally drowned out by the backup singers and the band. The Pantydroppers loved him. So did Randy and Paula (big surprise). I don't get it. Maybe its his grotesquely swollen jaw that irks me. Simon calls him potentially the best male vocalist ever on the show. WHAT? It must sound really different in the audience.

I'M CAROL! -- If you haven't noticed, this guy just reminds me of that character that Horatio Sans does every few weeks on SNL. He's singing "Copacabana" by Barry Manilow. I kind of wish I had called him Dirty Sanchez because thats what his moustache looks like. His singing was forgettable. But pretty much anyone who sings Copacabana sounds alike. But he is Carol. Annoying. Randy didn't like him. Paula all but called him a joke. Simon called it a nightmare, which it was. By the end, all the judges were arguing over how "not that bad" it was. Ominous.

Constantine II -- Wow, this means Blue is closing tonight. C-II is singing "Father Figure" by George Michael to keep with the gay theme we have going tonight. He rocked it, but should have gone with the mirrored sunglasses and black leather jacket to really pull off the George Michael experience. This guy touches his hair almost as much as Mitch in Dazed and Confused. Randy called him a star. Paula's seat is wet. Simon brought it again. Not the best vocals, but C-II's got "it."

Blue -- You're my boy! He's closes out gay night with "Leave on" by Elton John. Or is it "Livan", an ode to Livan Hernandez? It was original, but weird. Not the greatest performance, but I'll take it. Randy echoed my comments. Paula can't even speak, she wants him to advance so much. Simon now thinks he should make the finals.

Thats it for tonight. Soul Patrol!

Monday, February 20, 2006

The Year of the...Man

Avid readers of this blog will no doubt remember the culmination of the Year of the Catheter a week or two ago. Since I did not win any of the quarters of the Superbowl box pool (I had a 1 in 10 chance), I believed that my luck had dried up and the year of good fortune was over. That was until Saturday night.

Yes, folks. I joined the millions of idiots who donate to the stupid tax. I gave my six dollars for three chances to win 365 million dollars (a perfect amount for "fuck you" money, as Sir Charles Barkley would say). This was not the first time I have attempted to defy the odds. A few months ago, the jackpot was over 200 million and I actually made a chart of the most likely numbers, based on the last 100 drawings. Needless to say, it didn't work.

But this time, I just randomly chose numbers while trying to avoid touching the crackheads who were in line with me. I got my ticket Friday and basically forgot about the whole thing until sometime Sunday morning. When I woke up, I checked my numbers and lo and behold...I got the powerball. Luckily (or unluckily) I got (only) one more of the other numbers, so I ended up winning $4 and netting $-2. Either way, I am proclaiming it a win for Catheter Man.

Furthermore, I am also proclaiming that since the Year of the Catheter is over, it is now the Year of the Man. I will be having even better luck this year, beginning with my big Powerball win and continuing as I get a job tomorrow at a career fair where I don't even know what companies will attend. I'm going to rock their faces off.

Friday, February 17, 2006

My Inexplicable and Unfounded Aversion

I just realized something today. Its not something I usually spend much time thinking about. Its probably not something anyone usually thinks about. But I realized as I was canceling my Discover (Platinum!) Card that I have an inexplicable and unfounded aversion to Master Card. I have no idea why.

Credit card preferences, I imagine, are much like political affiliation in the south. You just do what your parents did. No questions asked. Growing up, my parents always used Visa. I don't know why. Those were the halcyon years of wine and roses when the card actually looked like the little logo in the corner of your current card. Those were the golden days, when my father sent back his hot and sour soup at the chinese place because it was too cold. When the waiter asked what he wanted, he said it should be hotter. The waiter returned with a spicier, still luke warm soup. My father tried to explain that he wanted the temperature hotter, not the spice. The waiter took back the soup and returned with yet a spicier concoction. This happened once more before my father was left with a room temperature bowl of liquid fire, good enough to scald the Alpha Beta's nether regions. But I digress.

Those were the years even before the hologram. But the credit card went through more changes. Next came the era of the "new" cards. My mother got a Discover card because of the cash back system (I'm convinced after having one for about 6 years that you get less than 1% of your money back). Then came the time of the specialty cards, an era which allowed countless parents to get hundreds of thousands of airline miles by paying for their children's tuition bills via airline credit cards. Yet, for those of us without a steady (or any) income, the credit card was not in our arsenal.

In college, I always had the "emergency" credit card. A card that I was supposed to use only when the situation was so dire, that I could not pay in cash. Although my name was on it, it drew from my parents' account. I think the only times I actually used that card were to get more money on my meal card freshman year (remember the M-Card tard?) and when I broke Colediggy, the Gimp, and my collective double bubble, ice-holder bong sophomore year. Before they even noticed, I went out and bought a new, admittedly less cool version (they didn't have the same one we had) for our enjoyment. When my mother questioned the $60 charge from Stairway to Heaven, I said it was a music store where I bought a couple of cds and some posters for my room. I'm not sure if she believed me.

When I got out of college, I was officially off the payroll, which is why instead of living in a nice, doorman building in Manhattan, I lived in an old Italian couple's basement in Lyndhurst, New Jersey (if they weren't so old, it would have been like living in the Soprano's basement). It was at that time that I decided that I needed a credit card. Once I saw that Visa allowed me to get a card with the Redskins logo on it, I was smitten. I became a loyal Visa customer. I even got their scam insurance in case I was ever unemployed (because my first job fucked with my head so much).

But the thing I always feel when choosing or even seeing credit cards is that I would never, ever, EVER have a Master Card. I have no idea why. I even think Master Card and Visa are the same company, but I would still never own one. In fact, I don't think I've ever even seen one used before. I've had Visa, the aforementioned Discover, and the newly-acquired Delta Skymiles AmEx, but I would never choose a Master Card.

So these are my questions to my readers (if I actually have any). Do you have a Master Card? Do you have an inexplicable and unfounded aversion to Master Card? Have you ever seen someone use one? Does the company even exist? Can you find me a full-time, lucrative job?

Wednesday, February 15, 2006


Something at work must be rubbing off on me. Its probably either in the hand soap, the sodas from the machine, or the boxes of Man 2 Man lube in the basement. Whatever the reason, I have become at least 32% gay on Wednesdays. Why? I not only watch American Idol, but also Project Runway.

I have decided that I will be posting my takes on the American Idol shows for the rest of the season. Bear in mind, if I actually get around to doing this every week, I'll be shocked. On the other hand, I did look at the strawberry flavored dental dams at work, so anything is possible.

Here is my list of nicknames for the 24 contestants who made it to the audience participation portion of the show. I'll probably forget who's who by next week, so I reserve the right to change people's nicknames whenever I want.

The Guys:

Constantine II
I'm Carol!
Shawn Brumder
Fat Joe
Chinstrap Toothface
New Lenny Kravitz
Evil Jared
Gay Aiken
Nervous Tic
(You're my boy) Blue
Sam Weir

The Girls:

Rachel Ray
Mel M.
Black Sweder Optional
Clown Face
Girl Next Door
8 Mile Barbie
Theory of Relativity
Red State Randi
The girl too boring for a nickname

Granted, some of the names aren't that great, but they are the best I could do on short notice. Thats why I will probably be changing some of them in the coming weeks. So I hope you like them and if you actually get most of them, then god help you. Because you're almost as fucked up as me.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Olympics? More like O-Stink-ics.

You know what really grinds my gears? The non-sport sports at the Olypmics. Specifically: figure skating, gymnastics, and diving. Repeat after me: THESE ARE NOT SPORTS. They might be competitions, but they are not sports. These are not sports because the winner is not determined by the one with the most points or goals or lowest time. They final standings are determined by judges. Any time a "fragile" french judge can influence the outcome of the game, it is not a sport. I realize that boxing also falls into the same category, but it has the possibility of becoming a sport if one of the boxers knocks the other out. I also realize that the above named competitions require skill and training and hard work, but I'm just saying if I want to see a bunch of asians in spandex, I'll go to Cirque du Soleil.

Monday, February 06, 2006

The Year of the Catheter is over

Yes, gang, its true. Its true. Last year at this time, I was coming off a nice second quarter win in my Superbowl boxes pool, which officially began a self-appointed year of good luck for Catheter Man. This year, I went into the Superbowl hoping that the lucky streak would continue, but fearing its swift demise. What happened makes me believe that I might be back to my heretofore unlucky ways this year.

This year, I got 10 boxes because they were only one dollar and I wanted to have a healthy slew of numbers to hope for. I designated one of my boxes the "lucky" one and named it Popozao in honor of Kevin Federline's instant classic. When we pulled the numbers, that one wasn't very lucky, but I did end up with some good ones. One of the best was 7-0 Seahawks.

Well, if you watched the game, you know what happened. As the first quarter wound down, Matt Hasselbeck threw a perfect touchdown pass to Darrell Jackson, only to have it called back by a questionable offensive pass interference call. Away went the seven point score, and with it, the potential two year run for Catheter Man.

The rest of the game didn't really yield any chances for me. The second quarter ended up being pretty crappy for both the Mike Holmgren school of clock management and my numbers. However, girlfriend did win this quarter. So it could be the Year of the Girlfriend. The third and fourth quarters were won by the people who (seemingly, at least) win every year: The J Man and Kid Ike. They are like the Vijay Singh and Tiger Woods of box pools.

The rest of the Superbowl was pretty forgettable. The teams played worse than our rec league team after one of our "all night drinking parties." The commercials were weak (thanks FCC). And the halftime "entertainment" was adequate at best. The funniest thing was that supposedly the Rolling Stones caused a minor controversy (I didn't really watch them) with two lyrics that the censors bleeped out. Next year I think the network might dig up Richie Valens, Buddy Holly, and the Big Bopper so they can have a halftime show that is both 30 years past relevance and guaranteed not to have anything controversial happen.

So until proven otherwise, I will assume that The Year of the Catheter has not been renewed for a second season. This is pretty troubling because I not only still have to find a permanent job, I also have at least one (possibly two) trips to Vegas coming up. I'm going to need all the luck I can get for both of those scenarios. Maybe I should start eating Lucky Charms.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Whatever happened to predictability?

What a way to begin the day! My girlfriend turned on Good Goyim America this morning and as I returned from the shower, I was greeted with none other than Jodie "Stephanie Tanner" Sweetin doing an interview with Robin Roberts. It turns out that our favorite middle child has been battling a Crystal Meth addiction for some time. That puts her #1 in the rankings for Most Fucked Up Child Star from Full House. In case you were wondering, here is the official tote board:

1) Jodie Sweetin -- Crystal Meth Addiction
2) Candace Cameron -- Jesus Freak/Married to a Russian Hockey Player
3) Mary Kate Olsen -- Anorexia (suspected Coke head)
4) Ashley Olsen -- Will not return my phone calls
Tie 5,6) Those little freaks that played Alex and Nicky -- Possibly dead.
7) Kimmie Gibler -- Well adjusted member of society
8) Dwayne -- Whatever