Gonads! 

Just what you want to see at a ballgame, snipers on the roof 

A billboard outside the stadium 

Root, root, root for the home team

Mmmm. Hot dogs. 

I am nearly 28 years old. Last night, I went to the first "home" baseball game in my life. Yes, the Washington Nationals are here (and currently in 1st place!). For a city whose only sports success over the past decade has been in Major League Soccer (DCU, BABY!), a new team is a welcome respite from the futility of the Wizards and the drama-fest of the Redksins. Luckily, after Bud Selig and the owners jerked DC around for the last 10 years and then traded all their best players (except Wilky), the Expos (deez nuts!) have found a new home at RFK Stadium.

Last night, the game was supposed to begin at around 7. I figured it would be tough to get there and then get into the stadium, so I caught the Ghettro and got there around 6. Since "president" Bush was throwing out the first pitch, there was crazy security to get in. It was worse than getting into an airport. Imagine lines about 100 deep all the way around the stadium. We finally get past the security at around 6:40 (I think) and we have to wait for my friend to get through the line. They finally get in around 7. Then its off to will call, where our tickets are supposed to be.

I'm not sure if any of you have ever been to RFK, but there is a reason why the Redskins moved out of there (and its not that its located in the middle of the hood). At will call, there were 6 people working and one computer. One computer. I'll say it again: one computer. What the fuck? Even DC public schools have more than one computer and they were protesting outside the stadium for more funding all night. Well, it took us until about the 3rd inning to actually make it past the model of efficiency that is will call.

Once we got inside, that is where the real fun began. We got to our seats, which were pretty damn good and I could have sworn the guys behind us were talking about Bill Brasky all night. Not really, but thats what they sounded like. Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky took me out to go get a drink with him? Anyways, we go off lookin' for a bar and we can't find one. Finally, Brasky takes me into a vacant lot and says, "Here we are!" Well, we sat there for a year and a half. Sure enough, someone constructed a bar around us! Well, the day they opened it, we ordered a shot, drank it and then burnt the place to the ground. Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, "Always leave things the way you found them!"

In about the 5th inning, we figured the lines for beer and foor should have died down by now, so we went looking. If you have seen RFK, in the outfield there are no seats in the bottom section. There used to be seats there for the Redskins, so there are still concession stands behind them. This being the first game, most people did not know that, so there are no lines at all back there. We go the the beer stand and get some beers. My girlfriend gets peatnuts for $3.50 and pays with a $20. I swear that the woman behind the counter had no clue how to give change and had to ask someone what the change would be for that complex math equation.

Then we go over the the hot dog place. The first one said we would have to wait 5 minutes for them to be done. I wasn't too keen on allowing the RFK concessions people to let me know when they thought the dogs were done (yes I know hot dogs are already cooked, but it still seems gross), so we just went to another place. This stand had cooked dogs, but for some reason, they were all spilling out the back of the 7-11 style warmer, as you can see in the picture above. Aside from this being absolutely hilarious, the cashier got all pissed off at the hot dog grilling guy, which was pretty funny too (you had to be there). Once we finally got the hot dogs, we went back to the seats.

Did I ever tell you about the time I had breakfast with Brasky? Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for eight months straight. When he woke up, he rubbed his eyes and said, "All in all, I prefer gin!"

The Nats won the game (with Hernandez taking a 1-hitter into the 9th and Castilla needing only a single for the cycle getting plunked in his last at bat). A good time was had by all. So, what did we learn about RFK and the Nats?

1) If at all possible, don't go to will call
2) Have as close to exact change for your beer as you can
3) Behind the outfield, there are no lines at the concession stands
4) The stands along the third base side still bounce (with help from bobbing fans)
5) When leaving the stadium, use the old DC General metro entrance
6) Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch!

McDonald's turns 50

Happy Birthday, Mickey D's 

Apparently, today is the 50th birthday of the original McDonalds franchise. To celebrate this golden anniversary, I went there and got a large diet coke. So, I gave them some patronage on their birthday, I figure I should get a gift bag for all of my years of being a good customer. What do they give me? Nothing.

Come to think of it, other than the 20-30 pounds of extra weight I gained over the years, McDonalds has only given me one thing: Netflix. Yes, last year during the annual Monopoly contest, I won a free year of Netflix for clogging my arteries and taking years off my life from eating their food. I guess it has been worth it because Netflix is pretty cool. How else would I have been able to see Ernest Goes to Jail for free?

On a side note, the Catheter Man diet is still going very well. I have stopped using the PS2 exercise game because that bitch kept wanting me to "strengthen my core," when I clearly wanted the "weight loss" option. Its still a pretty great idea and I'm sure I'll do it again every once in a while.

So here's the Catheter Man diet, which as of today, allowed me to break the 160 barrier for the first time since probably 8th grade. You are allowed to have as much diet coke as you want. You are also allowed to chew as much sugar-free gum as you want. You are allowed to eat whatever you want (as long as it is a bacon, egg, and cheese bagel). Finally, you are allowed to eat as many times a day as you want (as long as it is one meal). Sound like an eating disorder to you? Maybe, but it works. One man's eating disorder is another man's calorie restriction. Regardless, I have been able to lose weight with the my only exercise being carrying around a backpack with a computer and law books in it, so I'm not changing a thing.

The best part about the diet is that I usually drink (heavily) at least one night on the weekend as well as have some sort of delivery or take out (chinese or chipotle) on Sunday. Did I mention that I don't really exercise? Imagine if I did. I can't wait for football season.

If I'm still in DC for football season (and seeing that as of today, 57 employers did not want to hire me, so I probably will be), I will most likely play on a touch football team. There's a long story behind this team (involving a 40 year old guy with a moustache who plays that we call "porn star"), but I'm trying to diet myself out of a position. Since I've always been bigger than most of my friends (and I played high school football!), I have usually played offensive line. But its cool because lineman can catch passes in this league. Since I'm such a spectacular athlete, I never dropped a catchable pass in the 2 years I played. Now, if I can get my weight down and speed up, maybe I can live the dream of playing wide receiver or something. We'll see. I think I'll go running now to see how it feels running at this weight. Wish me luck.

If you don't hear from me tomorrow, assume that I've had a stroke and alert the media.

Scrumtralescent

I guess by now I realize that I am never going to be an actor. Even though I nearly brought people to tears with my portrayal of the apple in "Let George Do It" in fourth grade, that is pretty much where my acting career ended (I say "pretty much" because although I did play the second baseman in "Casey at the Bat" in 5th grade, I was not able to properly prepare for the role due, in no small part, to the fact that I had just returned from a 3-day absinthe bender, where I mysteriously wound up in a dark basement in Haiti). This was mostly because the English teacher who ran the middle school drama department was an uppity cunt who thought all we should do was Shakespeare plays. My hatred of that teacher was only surpassed by my hatred of Shakespeare, so no acting for me. If I want to wear tights, I'll do it on my own time, thank you very much.

So since I will never be an actor, I will never get the chance to be on Inside the Actor's Studio. For those of you who have not seen it, you must. Its like looking into the eyes of god and him telling you, "you're my favorite creation." At the end of the show, James Lipton (the host), asks the actor a 10 part questionnaire invented by the great Bernard Pivot. Here is my attempt to answer.


What is your favorite word? Thanks

What is your least favorite word? going forward (or any other office-speak)

What turns you on? humor

What turns you off? pretentiousness

What sound do you love? laughing

What sound do you hate? nail files being used

What is your favorite curse word? douchebag -- very underrated and under used

What profession other than yours would you like to attempt? pizza place owner

What profession would you not like to participate in? politics

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates? Get ready for dinner tonight, we're having all you can eat sushi with JFK, Martin Luther King, John Lennon, Chris Farley, and Jesus (he loves fish!).

Support the Farts

In an effort to get the word out about his site, Jason Mulgrew, a long-time(read: two-month) favorite of Catheter Man, is setting up a "friends of" page on his site. If I do a couple of things, I can be listed on this page (and maybe parlay my incessant whining and drunken rants into a job where I get my own desk AND computer). So 10 of you lucky bastards will be getting an email from me, telling you about his site. Of course, I probably already told you all about it anyway, but them's the rules.

If, by some chance, you have not partaken in the links section of my site, you will find Jason's site at www.jasonmulgrew.com. Wow, I just previewed that and my link actually worked. Anyway, check out his site because its damn funny.

On a side note, I have been working on the ballot for the official Not in Those Words NBA All-Ugly Contest 2005 (or NAMBLA, for short). However, I have a problem. The ballot is a giant word document that has a lot of pictures. If you know how to link to a word document that is on my desktop (not on the web somewhere), please let me know so that the contest can begin.

Remember, check out www.jasonmulgrew.com.

Later.