Scrumtralescent

I guess by now I realize that I am never going to be an actor. Even though I nearly brought people to tears with my portrayal of the apple in "Let George Do It" in fourth grade, that is pretty much where my acting career ended (I say "pretty much" because although I did play the second baseman in "Casey at the Bat" in 5th grade, I was not able to properly prepare for the role due, in no small part, to the fact that I had just returned from a 3-day absinthe bender, where I mysteriously wound up in a dark basement in Haiti). This was mostly because the English teacher who ran the middle school drama department was an uppity cunt who thought all we should do was Shakespeare plays. My hatred of that teacher was only surpassed by my hatred of Shakespeare, so no acting for me. If I want to wear tights, I'll do it on my own time, thank you very much.

So since I will never be an actor, I will never get the chance to be on Inside the Actor's Studio. For those of you who have not seen it, you must. Its like looking into the eyes of god and him telling you, "you're my favorite creation." At the end of the show, James Lipton (the host), asks the actor a 10 part questionnaire invented by the great Bernard Pivot. Here is my attempt to answer.


What is your favorite word? Thanks

What is your least favorite word? going forward (or any other office-speak)

What turns you on? humor

What turns you off? pretentiousness

What sound do you love? laughing

What sound do you hate? nail files being used

What is your favorite curse word? douchebag -- very underrated and under used

What profession other than yours would you like to attempt? pizza place owner

What profession would you not like to participate in? politics

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates? Get ready for dinner tonight, we're having all you can eat sushi with JFK, Martin Luther King, John Lennon, Chris Farley, and Jesus (he loves fish!).