Happy Birthday, Mickey D's
Apparently, today is the 50th birthday of the original McDonalds franchise. To celebrate this golden anniversary, I went there and got a large diet coke. So, I gave them some patronage on their birthday, I figure I should get a gift bag for all of my years of being a good customer. What do they give me? Nothing.
Come to think of it, other than the 20-30 pounds of extra weight I gained over the years, McDonalds has only given me one thing: Netflix. Yes, last year during the annual Monopoly contest, I won a free year of Netflix for clogging my arteries and taking years off my life from eating their food. I guess it has been worth it because Netflix is pretty cool. How else would I have been able to see Ernest Goes to Jail for free?
On a side note, the Catheter Man diet is still going very well. I have stopped using the PS2 exercise game because that bitch kept wanting me to "strengthen my core," when I clearly wanted the "weight loss" option. Its still a pretty great idea and I'm sure I'll do it again every once in a while.
So here's the Catheter Man diet, which as of today, allowed me to break the 160 barrier for the first time since probably 8th grade. You are allowed to have as much diet coke as you want. You are also allowed to chew as much sugar-free gum as you want. You are allowed to eat whatever you want (as long as it is a bacon, egg, and cheese bagel). Finally, you are allowed to eat as many times a day as you want (as long as it is one meal). Sound like an eating disorder to you? Maybe, but it works. One man's eating disorder is another man's calorie restriction. Regardless, I have been able to lose weight with the my only exercise being carrying around a backpack with a computer and law books in it, so I'm not changing a thing.
The best part about the diet is that I usually drink (heavily) at least one night on the weekend as well as have some sort of delivery or take out (chinese or chipotle) on Sunday. Did I mention that I don't really exercise? Imagine if I did. I can't wait for football season.
If I'm still in DC for football season (and seeing that as of today, 57 employers did not want to hire me, so I probably will be), I will most likely play on a touch football team. There's a long story behind this team (involving a 40 year old guy with a moustache who plays that we call "porn star"), but I'm trying to diet myself out of a position. Since I've always been bigger than most of my friends (and I played high school football!), I have usually played offensive line. But its cool because lineman can catch passes in this league. Since I'm such a spectacular athlete, I never dropped a catchable pass in the 2 years I played. Now, if I can get my weight down and speed up, maybe I can live the dream of playing wide receiver or something. We'll see. I think I'll go running now to see how it feels running at this weight. Wish me luck.
If you don't hear from me tomorrow, assume that I've had a stroke and alert the media.
