Well, since we last spoke, I left my job at the "Queer Eye" and took a new one at the "Straight Guy." Bear in mind, its still technically temp work, but at least I'm getting paid a decent wage this time. Makes a man feel good. Like feeling up a passed out chick in the back of a taxi on the way home from a bar.
I'm not feeling too creative right now, given my crazy hours, but I'm sure I'll have some good stories to tell when I get around to it.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Thursday, July 13, 2006
C-Man's ode to technology
You'd think by 2006 we would be at a point in history where every article on the internets that contained an ampersand didn't end up looking like (for example): Baskin *22%##&AMpp4782-34??><+)= Robbins.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Here we go again
Well, the Wizards have done it again. Here's what they needed in order to advance past the first round of the playoffs next year: a power forward or center who plays d and rebounds and (if possible) is not a complete offensive liability, a true point guard, and some scoring off the bench. What did they get? A couple of Russian shooters. If either one of these guys can make the team and play a little next year, I'm not sure that they can bring anything to the table that Jared Jeffries doesn't already have (and lack).
Skinny 6'11" shooters will not help this team in the short run. While its possible that one or both will magically morph into Nowitzki, Kirilenko, or Stojakavic, it probably won't happen (it ever) for a number of years. When Marcus Williams slid in the first round, we should have snatched him up right there. I don't care if he's got character issues. Show me one team without several flawed players. The guy can play.
Instead, we got a friend for Alexander Ovechkin. I'm not saying Pecherov is bad. Honestly, I've never seen the guy play, but if every other European player can be a measuring stick for this pick, he can probably shoot but he doesn't play defense or rebound all that well for his height. I'm guessing he ain't gonna block too many shots either. In terms of what we needed, that's batting 1 for 4. That doesn't cut it on a first rounder.
In the second round, I really wanted Paul Millsap. He's a guy who could have come in and competed for major playing time right away on this team with our horrible power forwards. But, alas, he was taken one spot ahead of us by the Jazz, who get an A+ in the second round by getting Millsap and Dee Brown back to back. The next logical choice for us would have been Gansey, a solid point guard from WV or his teammate, Kevin Pittsnogle. Either one of those guys could have come in with the second unit and logged some decent minutes while not killing us by not scoring. Instead, we got another friend for Alexander Ovechkin. Essentially the same player as we got in the first round, but not as good.
With Chicago, New Jersey, Orlando, and Cleveland all getting better through the draft, we may need to make a splash in the free agent market in order to even make the playoffs. Hell, if the Bobcats have an amazing year, they could even pass us up. Luckily, we'll still be able to beat up on the Hawks and Knicks for another year.
When you sum up what we needed, what was available, and who we got, I have to give the Wizards a solid D- for this draft. I'm hoping that we'll stow away these guys in Europe for a year or two, bring in JC Navarro from Spain, and maybe get a second-tier free agent who plays some friggin' defense. I have to trust that Ernie Grunfeld knows what he's doing because he did, after all, draft Michael Redd in the second round a few years ago [Please stop mentioning that in every article Washington Post. Please.] But you'll have to forgive me, as someone who has suffered for so many years at the hands of Les Boulez.
Skinny 6'11" shooters will not help this team in the short run. While its possible that one or both will magically morph into Nowitzki, Kirilenko, or Stojakavic, it probably won't happen (it ever) for a number of years. When Marcus Williams slid in the first round, we should have snatched him up right there. I don't care if he's got character issues. Show me one team without several flawed players. The guy can play.
Instead, we got a friend for Alexander Ovechkin. I'm not saying Pecherov is bad. Honestly, I've never seen the guy play, but if every other European player can be a measuring stick for this pick, he can probably shoot but he doesn't play defense or rebound all that well for his height. I'm guessing he ain't gonna block too many shots either. In terms of what we needed, that's batting 1 for 4. That doesn't cut it on a first rounder.
In the second round, I really wanted Paul Millsap. He's a guy who could have come in and competed for major playing time right away on this team with our horrible power forwards. But, alas, he was taken one spot ahead of us by the Jazz, who get an A+ in the second round by getting Millsap and Dee Brown back to back. The next logical choice for us would have been Gansey, a solid point guard from WV or his teammate, Kevin Pittsnogle. Either one of those guys could have come in with the second unit and logged some decent minutes while not killing us by not scoring. Instead, we got another friend for Alexander Ovechkin. Essentially the same player as we got in the first round, but not as good.
With Chicago, New Jersey, Orlando, and Cleveland all getting better through the draft, we may need to make a splash in the free agent market in order to even make the playoffs. Hell, if the Bobcats have an amazing year, they could even pass us up. Luckily, we'll still be able to beat up on the Hawks and Knicks for another year.
When you sum up what we needed, what was available, and who we got, I have to give the Wizards a solid D- for this draft. I'm hoping that we'll stow away these guys in Europe for a year or two, bring in JC Navarro from Spain, and maybe get a second-tier free agent who plays some friggin' defense. I have to trust that Ernie Grunfeld knows what he's doing because he did, after all, draft Michael Redd in the second round a few years ago [Please stop mentioning that in every article Washington Post. Please.] But you'll have to forgive me, as someone who has suffered for so many years at the hands of Les Boulez.
2006 NBA Draft Day Spectacular
Welcome to the 2006 NBA Draft. I just realized that I watched about 4 solid games of NBA action (it's FAAAAAAAANtastic!) last season, so I'm not really feeling the draft this year. Plus, it is a pretty crappy draft. So I'll just post a few comments as I think of them. Hopefully they'll be entertaining.
--How has David Stern not had a heart attack yet? As Felch would say, "It blows my mind."
--When the top pick is an Italian named Andrea, you know its a weak draft.
--Do you think the Italians paid off the Raptors to take Andrea, much like they have clearly paid off the refs in the World Cup?
--Where do black people come up with these fake French names? LaMarcus? Come on.
--Adam Morrison is clearly the front runner for Moustache of the Year next season.
--I would much rather have a white guy with diabetes than a white guy with a back problem. Because that back problem is NEVER going away.
--This draft is flying along. Kudos to the brass at the NBA. Now if we could get the first round of the playoffs to be less than a month, we'd be getting somewhere.
--Where are the crazy suits? I'm thoroughly disappointed in these guys. We need someone to break the ice and just go big with a purple pinstripe double breasted number next year.
--I spoke too soon. Tyrus Thomas went with the purple sweater under the pinstripe suit. Pretty close.
--Stu Scott just mentioned the WNBA. Why does that still exist? I'm conviced David Stern is laundering money through that league or something.
-- Shelden Williams is a lock for NBA Smush Face of the Year next season.
--Jay Bilas just projected the 5th pick in the draft as a Dale Davis type. Not a good sign for the talent this year.
-- I'm already bored. I'm just waiting for the Wizards pick. Now that we have Ernie Grunfeld, we might not screw it up. I'll see you next year, when there's some talent available.
--How has David Stern not had a heart attack yet? As Felch would say, "It blows my mind."
--When the top pick is an Italian named Andrea, you know its a weak draft.
--Do you think the Italians paid off the Raptors to take Andrea, much like they have clearly paid off the refs in the World Cup?
--Where do black people come up with these fake French names? LaMarcus? Come on.
--Adam Morrison is clearly the front runner for Moustache of the Year next season.
--I would much rather have a white guy with diabetes than a white guy with a back problem. Because that back problem is NEVER going away.
--This draft is flying along. Kudos to the brass at the NBA. Now if we could get the first round of the playoffs to be less than a month, we'd be getting somewhere.
--Where are the crazy suits? I'm thoroughly disappointed in these guys. We need someone to break the ice and just go big with a purple pinstripe double breasted number next year.
--I spoke too soon. Tyrus Thomas went with the purple sweater under the pinstripe suit. Pretty close.
--Stu Scott just mentioned the WNBA. Why does that still exist? I'm conviced David Stern is laundering money through that league or something.
-- Shelden Williams is a lock for NBA Smush Face of the Year next season.
--Jay Bilas just projected the 5th pick in the draft as a Dale Davis type. Not a good sign for the talent this year.
-- I'm already bored. I'm just waiting for the Wizards pick. Now that we have Ernie Grunfeld, we might not screw it up. I'll see you next year, when there's some talent available.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Waterworld
Sorry about the lack of posting lately. For those who may care about such things, I am not currently under water. Suprisingly, DC freaked out about the weather for good reason this time, although it wasn't that bad. For me at least. And that's all that matters, isn't it?
Tomorrow, I'll have my NBA Draft Spectacular. I promise.
Tomorrow, I'll have my NBA Draft Spectacular. I promise.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Vegas, baby.
Tomorrow I'm off to fabulous Las Vegas for one of the most heterosexual rites of passage known to modern man: the Vegas bachelor party. Sure, I'm as broke as JJ Evans, but its well worth cashing in some Bar Mitzvah bonds to take this much needed break from DC.
Today reminded me of just how much I need to see some silicone-filled mammaries while throwing back warm shots of Cuervo. As I escaped from my overly-gay temping gig for lunch, I walked towards overly-gay Dupont Circle. Normally, this would have been an uneventful journey. But I apparently looked especially good in my khakis in the sweltering heat. I have no explanation for what followed.
Some dude rode by me on his bike. The guy looked like an effeminate, well-groomed latino who is possibly gay. In other words: Alex Rodriguez. He sort of stared at me and I tried to diffuse the situation by giving him the old head nod. Official male speak for: I acknowledge your presence, now move on. As I continued walking, I stared straight ahead as if my life depended on it. No dice. The guy was still riding next to me. This was not good.
A few seconds into this uncomfortable situation, it got worse. He started talking to me and I couldn't play it off like I either didn't hear him or know he was talking to me. The conversation went something like this:
A-Rod: "Do ju go to school aroun here?"
Me: "No."
A-Rod: "Ju look yoost like dees guy who I do sculpture with." [Leering at my body. Literally looking me up and down.]
Me: "Sorry, not me."
A-Rod: "Ju look yoost like him. Ju have to be theen, but not too theen. Ju do sculpture." [Still looking me up and down.]
Me: [Uncomfortably horrified silence]
A-Rod: "So what do ju say? Would ju like to do something like thees?"
Me: "No thanks." [Practically running away at this point]
With that, he luckily dropped the subject or possibly realized I'm not gay, and rode off. Even though all I wanted to do was take a shower, I persevered and got my Julia's Empanadas like a real man.
Tomorrow night I will be making up for all the heterosexuality I've been deprived of over the last 6 months. I'm not sure what that means, but there will definitely be a lot of high fives involved. By the time I get back, I need to have extra heterosexuality in reserves because this job is starting to drive me crazy.
For the love of Pete, someone help me get out of there!
Monday, May 29, 2006
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Dag!
I'm conducting an experiment. I want to bring back "Dag!" Use it as a substitute for "damn" or "shit." Here's an example: say someone is late. "Dag! What took you so long?" Feel free to use it as much or as little as you would like. I just want to see it come back.
Onto the real post.
McDonald's has new desserts! Well, they're not really new, as much as they are just various combinations of their old desserts. The four new faces on the menu are: the Oreo sundae, the chocolate chip (cookie) sundae, the apple pie sundae, and the brownie sundae. Each consists of ice cream, the eponymous "solid" dessert item, hot fudge, whipped cream, and a cherry on top. Upon seeing this turn of events, I had to try one.
Girlfriend and I went to the notorious Adams Morgan Mickey D's and took our chances. For those who are in the know, Sipowicz was not working tonight. But that did not change my extremely low expectations about the quality of "service" there. I went in and ordered an Oreo McFlurry (for Girlfriend) and a Chocolate Chip Sundae without whipped cream for myself. I knew it was a bad omen when I had to point at the picture menu to explain my choice.
The girl who took my order told the manager about the choices and he showed her how to make the new dessert first. It started out fine with the cup, ice cream, and hot fudge, but then things took a turn for the expected. He went over to the crushed Oreos and put that on the sundae, then covered the top with whipped cream and a cherry. Of course, I knew this was "my" order and he was fucking it up, but I let him go all the way with it.
He proudly presented me with this bastardization of my order and I broke the bad news: "I wanted the CHOCOLATE CHIP sundae with NO WHIPPED CREAM." He gave me the stupid grin to show that he didn't understand and I resorted to broken english and picture pointing again. "The cookies (pointing to the picture). No whipped cream. That sundae (pointing again)... and an Oreo MCFLURRY" He finally got the idea.
He put the first sundae in the salad refrigerator. I'm not sure why and I don't want to know. Then he went to the back, got some cookies, put them in a cup, and added the ice cream and the hot fudge. Just when I thought things were going well, HE MADE THE MOVE FOR THE WHIPPED CREAM AGAIN! In my firmest tone, I said, "NO WHIPPED CREAM!" This time he finally took heed.
The truth is, I didn't want the cherry either, but I knew that would really throw him off and it would be easy enough to remove, so once he dropped it on the top, I happily accepted the sundae because it was as close to what I wanted as it was going to get. I then had to remind him about the McFlurry again and he actually made it correctly. After waaaaaaaaay too long in there, I had gotten what I came for.
The verdict: the Chocolate Chip Sundae is pretty damn good. The cookies were warm and gooey and you can't screw up the rest of the ingredients because they are all pre-made. I give it a solid 7 out of 10 Catheters. But it was not worth all of the aggravation of getting it. Either way, the same thing would probably cost $10 at Baskin Robbins, so you're going in up $7.50. If you have the patience of a saint, I recommend it.
Onto the real post.
McDonald's has new desserts! Well, they're not really new, as much as they are just various combinations of their old desserts. The four new faces on the menu are: the Oreo sundae, the chocolate chip (cookie) sundae, the apple pie sundae, and the brownie sundae. Each consists of ice cream, the eponymous "solid" dessert item, hot fudge, whipped cream, and a cherry on top. Upon seeing this turn of events, I had to try one.
Girlfriend and I went to the notorious Adams Morgan Mickey D's and took our chances. For those who are in the know, Sipowicz was not working tonight. But that did not change my extremely low expectations about the quality of "service" there. I went in and ordered an Oreo McFlurry (for Girlfriend) and a Chocolate Chip Sundae without whipped cream for myself. I knew it was a bad omen when I had to point at the picture menu to explain my choice.
The girl who took my order told the manager about the choices and he showed her how to make the new dessert first. It started out fine with the cup, ice cream, and hot fudge, but then things took a turn for the expected. He went over to the crushed Oreos and put that on the sundae, then covered the top with whipped cream and a cherry. Of course, I knew this was "my" order and he was fucking it up, but I let him go all the way with it.
He proudly presented me with this bastardization of my order and I broke the bad news: "I wanted the CHOCOLATE CHIP sundae with NO WHIPPED CREAM." He gave me the stupid grin to show that he didn't understand and I resorted to broken english and picture pointing again. "The cookies (pointing to the picture). No whipped cream. That sundae (pointing again)... and an Oreo MCFLURRY" He finally got the idea.
He put the first sundae in the salad refrigerator. I'm not sure why and I don't want to know. Then he went to the back, got some cookies, put them in a cup, and added the ice cream and the hot fudge. Just when I thought things were going well, HE MADE THE MOVE FOR THE WHIPPED CREAM AGAIN! In my firmest tone, I said, "NO WHIPPED CREAM!" This time he finally took heed.
The truth is, I didn't want the cherry either, but I knew that would really throw him off and it would be easy enough to remove, so once he dropped it on the top, I happily accepted the sundae because it was as close to what I wanted as it was going to get. I then had to remind him about the McFlurry again and he actually made it correctly. After waaaaaaaaay too long in there, I had gotten what I came for.
The verdict: the Chocolate Chip Sundae is pretty damn good. The cookies were warm and gooey and you can't screw up the rest of the ingredients because they are all pre-made. I give it a solid 7 out of 10 Catheters. But it was not worth all of the aggravation of getting it. Either way, the same thing would probably cost $10 at Baskin Robbins, so you're going in up $7.50. If you have the patience of a saint, I recommend it.
Monday, May 22, 2006
The Road to Rhode Island
This past weekend, I went to a wedding in the glorious state of Rhode Island. For those of you scoring at home, that's state #29 for Catheter Man. I could try and write a full post about the weekend, but I'm feeling too lazy to do it justice, so I'll just give you some highlights. Here are some of the best and worst things about the trip.
1) The flight to Providence: surprisingly only one hour long. That was the cool part. The bad part was eating breakfast at National Airport (I refuse to call it Reagan) and experiencing a bacon, egg, and cheese on a soggy plain bagel at... wait for it...Jerry's. Still, it was a better choice than Girlfriend's breakfast burrito from Ranch 1.
One other part of the flight that ruled was Row 4. Don't ever discount how awesome the bulkhead seats are. I even snuck my finger into first class for a little while. What didn't rule was the turbulence. I don't care about the bumpiness. I cared that the flight attendant decided it was too bumpy to use the drink cart and only offered water, coffee, or orange juice during drink service. Seeing as I was denied my right to a Diet Coke, I went with OJ. I knew it was a bad choice when it had ice in it.
2) Newport: Newport is a very cool, New Englandy town. I should mention that as a Family Guy fan, I made sure that the first words out of my mouth when we landed in Rhode Island were: "Side Boob." There is nothing as cool (in a funny way) as the Rhode Island accent. We overheard one woman talking about how her "Cawkapoo runs acrawss the yahd."
Newport is like any typical seaside port town, if you were surrounded by 300 year old buildings and everyone vacationing there looked like Judge Smails. There were tons of what I have dubbed: Sailboat People. Now add places like the New England Quahog Company, Griswold's, and my college buddy and I saying "Side Boob" every five minutes and you have some idea of what the weekend was like.
3) The Rehearsal Dinner. The rehearsal dinner was great. It was at a mansion (I think) right next to the water. It had a very cool tiki bar inside and the banquet room had an amazing water view. Being that this was a wedding weekend, I took the opportunity to stuff myself silly. At the rehearsal dinner, I had a cookie, a brownie, and a slice of apple pie. And that was just dessert.
Another thing I love about rehearsal dinners are the slide shows (with musical accompaniment) featuring embarrassing photos of the bride and grooms awkward teenage years. Those alone are usually worth the price of admission. Most of the speeches were great, too. I'm reasonably sure that the 18 speeches (I'm not exaggerating) from this wedding will never be topped. That being said, if you are the type of couple that has 18 speeches about you at your wedding, you must be doing something right.
4) The Wedding: The best part about Jewish wedding ceremonies is that they are usually pretty short. Not that I (or anyone else) wouldn't love to share the couple's big moment, but I think everyone (including the couple) appreciates the brevity. After a great ceremony, highlighted by beautifully self-written vows by the bride and groom, it was time to get our party on.
I stuffed my gullet again (including two desserts) and drank enough to kill a small child. But I didn't really get drunk. Maybe it was all the dancing or perhaps the 950,000 calories I consumed that day, but I didn't even get buzzed. Not that it mattered. It was a fun party and I got to hang out with a lot of people from college who I may never see again.
After the party, it was the afterparty. Unfortunately by this time, I was exhausted. I made my way over to the Presidential Suite, where the bride and bridegroom were staying and I could not believe how big the joint was. It was at least the size of a full length basketball court, and that didn't even include the bedroom or the roof deck that you could access through a rickety spiral staircase.
As much as I wanted to continue the festivities, the two days of gluttony and drinking had taken their toll and I had to go to bed about 10 minutes after getting to the room. Apparently I missed 10 pizzas being ordered and consumed, singing and subsequently being kicked off the roofdeck by security, and general rabblerousing until 4 am.
All in all, it was a great weekend and nothing feels better than getting out of DC for a while. I wish the couple nothing but happiness in the future and thank them for a wonderful time.
And of course...
Side boob.
1) The flight to Providence: surprisingly only one hour long. That was the cool part. The bad part was eating breakfast at National Airport (I refuse to call it Reagan) and experiencing a bacon, egg, and cheese on a soggy plain bagel at... wait for it...Jerry's. Still, it was a better choice than Girlfriend's breakfast burrito from Ranch 1.
One other part of the flight that ruled was Row 4. Don't ever discount how awesome the bulkhead seats are. I even snuck my finger into first class for a little while. What didn't rule was the turbulence. I don't care about the bumpiness. I cared that the flight attendant decided it was too bumpy to use the drink cart and only offered water, coffee, or orange juice during drink service. Seeing as I was denied my right to a Diet Coke, I went with OJ. I knew it was a bad choice when it had ice in it.
2) Newport: Newport is a very cool, New Englandy town. I should mention that as a Family Guy fan, I made sure that the first words out of my mouth when we landed in Rhode Island were: "Side Boob." There is nothing as cool (in a funny way) as the Rhode Island accent. We overheard one woman talking about how her "Cawkapoo runs acrawss the yahd."
Newport is like any typical seaside port town, if you were surrounded by 300 year old buildings and everyone vacationing there looked like Judge Smails. There were tons of what I have dubbed: Sailboat People. Now add places like the New England Quahog Company, Griswold's, and my college buddy and I saying "Side Boob" every five minutes and you have some idea of what the weekend was like.
3) The Rehearsal Dinner. The rehearsal dinner was great. It was at a mansion (I think) right next to the water. It had a very cool tiki bar inside and the banquet room had an amazing water view. Being that this was a wedding weekend, I took the opportunity to stuff myself silly. At the rehearsal dinner, I had a cookie, a brownie, and a slice of apple pie. And that was just dessert.
Another thing I love about rehearsal dinners are the slide shows (with musical accompaniment) featuring embarrassing photos of the bride and grooms awkward teenage years. Those alone are usually worth the price of admission. Most of the speeches were great, too. I'm reasonably sure that the 18 speeches (I'm not exaggerating) from this wedding will never be topped. That being said, if you are the type of couple that has 18 speeches about you at your wedding, you must be doing something right.
4) The Wedding: The best part about Jewish wedding ceremonies is that they are usually pretty short. Not that I (or anyone else) wouldn't love to share the couple's big moment, but I think everyone (including the couple) appreciates the brevity. After a great ceremony, highlighted by beautifully self-written vows by the bride and groom, it was time to get our party on.
I stuffed my gullet again (including two desserts) and drank enough to kill a small child. But I didn't really get drunk. Maybe it was all the dancing or perhaps the 950,000 calories I consumed that day, but I didn't even get buzzed. Not that it mattered. It was a fun party and I got to hang out with a lot of people from college who I may never see again.
After the party, it was the afterparty. Unfortunately by this time, I was exhausted. I made my way over to the Presidential Suite, where the bride and bridegroom were staying and I could not believe how big the joint was. It was at least the size of a full length basketball court, and that didn't even include the bedroom or the roof deck that you could access through a rickety spiral staircase.
As much as I wanted to continue the festivities, the two days of gluttony and drinking had taken their toll and I had to go to bed about 10 minutes after getting to the room. Apparently I missed 10 pizzas being ordered and consumed, singing and subsequently being kicked off the roofdeck by security, and general rabblerousing until 4 am.
All in all, it was a great weekend and nothing feels better than getting out of DC for a while. I wish the couple nothing but happiness in the future and thank them for a wonderful time.
And of course...
Side boob.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Friday, May 12, 2006
Catheter Man's 5 Point Plan for Summer Blockbusters
I love the movies. Let me just get that out of the way. I wish there was something I wanted to see every week so I could slip into a padded seat, immerse myself in darkness, and fart away. I will not, however, go to the movies for the sake of going to the movies. That is to say that I have standards. Rules, if you will (and I know that you will). Never has there been a more apropos time to bequeath these rules to the masses. The old studio system has resigned to sit back on its laurels and churn out big budget drivel that idiot America laps up with a spoon. Well not this blogger. You'll have to do more than that to earn my ten bucks. So without further ado, I give you Catheter Man's 5 Point Plan for Summer Blockbusters.
1) I will not see any movie based on a comic book
This rule comes to us courtesy of every movie released after Batman 1. That movie was cool. Of course, I (along with America) was also in my Michael Keaton phase at the time, so my judgment could have been a little off. But somehow in the course of the Batman series, we went from Jack Nicholson to Danny DeVito to Jim Carrey and from Michael Keaton to Val Kilmer to George Clooney. As you can tell, they are barely even trying anymore.
I'm also sure that there have probably been good movies based on comic books that have come out since then (Men in Black), but they are few and far between. Men in Black is the perfect segue to our next rule...
2) I will not see any sequels, prequels, threequels, or any other kind of 'quel
If anyone else saw Men in Black 2, you know just how horrible an idea a sequel can be. That movie felt like an hour and a half long abortion performed through my eye socket (I bet you won't find Roger Ebert giving that review). All of the Star Wars prequels were excrement. The only movie that could be considered a sequel that I actually enjoyed was Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and that was not really a sequel. It was more loosely based on some of Kevin Smith's earlier works. Of course, as we speak, Clerks 2 is coming out. Blech. In this day and age, sequels rarely, if ever, live up to the original and I will not see them.
3) I will not see any remake
This one should go without saying. I didn't want to see King Kong when it was black and white and had a claymation ape. I didn't want to see it the first time they remade it and the special effects were a little better. And I still don't want to see it when everything is done with computers.
Am I the only one who thinks that CGI ruins movies? Part of the reason why the original Star Wars was so cool is that they had real (albeit model-sized) spaceships blowing up. When I can tell everything has been done on a computer, the special effect doesn't seem so special to me. I might as well be watching cartoons. But I digress.
Remakes are lame. Most of the time the original is a classic and there is no point in trying to make it better. And if the movie wasn't that great to begin with, why would anyone want to see it now that it stars Vince Vaughn? I don't get it.
4) Explosions, car chases, and shootouts are stupid
Seriously. We've all seen these things a million times before. Its called every James Bond movie ever. Unless you bring something original to the table, like a pregnant dwarf driving a '39 Buick with a Yeti and all of the characters from Herman's Head in the back seat, shooting a laser guided hamster bazooka at the Guinness Book of World Records fat twins on scooters, then spare me.
5) I will not see any movie starring anyone who is currently on the cover of Us Weekly
Again, this should go without saying. The people that are on the cover of those magazines are not good actors. They are the "beautiful people." And if Revenge of the Nerds taught us anything, its that the beautiful people can be defeated. The first step is boycotting their crappy movies. I'm reasonably confident that anyone with half a nutsack can't name one Jennifer Aniston movie besides Office Space.
So there you have it. Sure, this plan can't hold a candle to Mike Damone's 5 point plan, but it is guaranteed to get you through the summer without wishing you had used your 10 dollars for a toothy hummer from a crackhead rather than mindlessly forking it over to the movie studios or the "Church" of Scientology. I'm not sure if that last statement even made any sense grammatically, but you get the idea. Until next time, America.
1) I will not see any movie based on a comic book
This rule comes to us courtesy of every movie released after Batman 1. That movie was cool. Of course, I (along with America) was also in my Michael Keaton phase at the time, so my judgment could have been a little off. But somehow in the course of the Batman series, we went from Jack Nicholson to Danny DeVito to Jim Carrey and from Michael Keaton to Val Kilmer to George Clooney. As you can tell, they are barely even trying anymore.
I'm also sure that there have probably been good movies based on comic books that have come out since then (Men in Black), but they are few and far between. Men in Black is the perfect segue to our next rule...
2) I will not see any sequels, prequels, threequels, or any other kind of 'quel
If anyone else saw Men in Black 2, you know just how horrible an idea a sequel can be. That movie felt like an hour and a half long abortion performed through my eye socket (I bet you won't find Roger Ebert giving that review). All of the Star Wars prequels were excrement. The only movie that could be considered a sequel that I actually enjoyed was Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and that was not really a sequel. It was more loosely based on some of Kevin Smith's earlier works. Of course, as we speak, Clerks 2 is coming out. Blech. In this day and age, sequels rarely, if ever, live up to the original and I will not see them.
3) I will not see any remake
This one should go without saying. I didn't want to see King Kong when it was black and white and had a claymation ape. I didn't want to see it the first time they remade it and the special effects were a little better. And I still don't want to see it when everything is done with computers.
Am I the only one who thinks that CGI ruins movies? Part of the reason why the original Star Wars was so cool is that they had real (albeit model-sized) spaceships blowing up. When I can tell everything has been done on a computer, the special effect doesn't seem so special to me. I might as well be watching cartoons. But I digress.
Remakes are lame. Most of the time the original is a classic and there is no point in trying to make it better. And if the movie wasn't that great to begin with, why would anyone want to see it now that it stars Vince Vaughn? I don't get it.
4) Explosions, car chases, and shootouts are stupid
Seriously. We've all seen these things a million times before. Its called every James Bond movie ever. Unless you bring something original to the table, like a pregnant dwarf driving a '39 Buick with a Yeti and all of the characters from Herman's Head in the back seat, shooting a laser guided hamster bazooka at the Guinness Book of World Records fat twins on scooters, then spare me.
5) I will not see any movie starring anyone who is currently on the cover of Us Weekly
Again, this should go without saying. The people that are on the cover of those magazines are not good actors. They are the "beautiful people." And if Revenge of the Nerds taught us anything, its that the beautiful people can be defeated. The first step is boycotting their crappy movies. I'm reasonably confident that anyone with half a nutsack can't name one Jennifer Aniston movie besides Office Space.
So there you have it. Sure, this plan can't hold a candle to Mike Damone's 5 point plan, but it is guaranteed to get you through the summer without wishing you had used your 10 dollars for a toothy hummer from a crackhead rather than mindlessly forking it over to the movie studios or the "Church" of Scientology. I'm not sure if that last statement even made any sense grammatically, but you get the idea. Until next time, America.
Friday, May 05, 2006
Praise you like I should
As my loyal readers know, I have been "at odds" with god for the majority of my life. I'm not sure why this is. It just is. One recent example is my inability to find suitable employment. Although I consider myself a pretty good person in general, things just haven't been going my way of late. It is high time for a mediator.
This past weekend, I found the perfect chance to do just that. I attended a Catholic wedding and seeing that I was in the house of god, I decided to ask his son for a little help. Some of you might find this odd, since I'm jewish. But as Larry David found out, wonderful things start to happen when you find Jesus.
I didn't really expect much after I had my little chat with JC, but this past week I have gotten five legitimate job bites (and one super shady offer to possibly join the Russian mob). Two or three of them sound pretty good. I'm not going to jinx any of them by speaking publicly about the specifics, but I'm pretty confident with my skills and Jesus' help, I could be employed full time within a month. So wish me luck on my quest.
Yours in Christ,
Catheter Man
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Park's closed. Moose out front shoulda told ya.
It is with deep regret that I must inform my loyal readers that there will be no Catheter Man NFL Draft Day Spectacular this year. I will be attending a wedding in the upstate region this weekend and will be unable to devote any time to a quality post. Hopefully I will be able to return to my duties next year. Here's to hoping the Colts get Maroney (for my keeper league team's sake) and the Skins don't screw up their pick in the 2nd round. Until next time, folks.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Who's your goalie?
I randomly thought about this a few days ago and I thought it was interesting. Maybe you will too.
I have been a casual NHL fan for the majority of my life. There was a time when the Caps made the playoffs every year. Some of my earliest memories of the Capitals were losing to the Penguins in the playoffs year after year. Don't even talk to me about the time we were ahead 3-0 in a best of 7 and lost the series. Heartbreaking.
Of course, there was also the time when the Caps were the 6 seed and somehow made the Stanley Cup finals. I was actually able to go to game 3. Although we lost, I did get to see one of the best fan fights of all time. Let's just put it this way: a woman was thrown two rows toward the ice. I guess that's what happens when you mix old school mulleted Caps fans with proud Detroiters.
Anyway, the point of this post is that the Goalie position has been remarkably stable for the Caps over the last 25 or so years. I guess they have been unbelievably lucky or skilled at picking goalies because it has been one long tenure after the other. Here is a list of the major goalies that I remember on the Caps.
Bob Mason -- This was the first goalie I remember seeing live. I don't remember much else from those early Caps games, other than Keith Sweat always seemingly being the next big concert at the Cap Centre.
Pete Peeters -- One of the greats, not only because of his double name, weird spelling of "Peeters", and stellar goal play, but also for wearing number 1 as a goalie. Not something you see too often.
Clint Malarchuk -- Who can forget the severed jugular? One of the most disturbing moments ever seen on a hockey rink.
Mike Liut -- He had about one good year in DC. I think he's actually a successful hockey agent now.
Don Beaupre -- This was the beginning of the new era caps. Beaupre was damn good (but not great) for about 5 years.
Jim Carey -- Fortunately (or unfortunately) his rise to stardom coincided with the heyday of Jim Carrey (Ace Ventura) and the introduction of live video into hockey games. We were cursed with a million clips from The Mask. Sssssssssssssssssssssssssmmmmmmmmmmmmokinnnnnnnnnnn'!
Olaf Kolzig -- If feel kind of bad for Olie. He's been here for about 10 years and given everything to this team. He was the guy that caught fire in 98 and got us to the Cup. Now, he's surrounded by inferior talent, Ovechkin and Halpern. The guy deserves to be traded somewhere good next year.
So that's really it. My whole life = 7 goalies. I'm not sure if you find that strange or a little unbelievable, but I just thought I'd mention it.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
The Italian BMT
One of the worst things about working where I do is that there are very few affordable lunch options. The U street area is famous for Ben's Chili Bowl, which is great, but if I want to maintain my girlish figure, I can't eat there more than once a month. There are also a bunch of semi-nice places that I can't really go to because they are semi-expensive and will take a long time to serve me. Ah, the joys of being an hourly "employee." So that limits my options to McDonald's, Quizno's, and Subway.
McDonald's is rarely an option because 1) it could be the dirtiest McDonald's in America, 2) I don't really want to eat that crap more than I have to (Monopoly time), and 3) my idea of ambiance doesn't include a homeless person sitting next to me. Quizno's is ok, but its kind of expensive for what you get, although I do enjoy the pepper bar and horseradish sauce. This limits my choice to Subway.
Now, I don't really like Subway. Everything went downhill ever since they stopped the "U" style cutting of their bread and went to the straight across method. The only things I actually enjoy are the free refills and the fresh baked cookies. Since Subway is really the only option, I have to make the best of it.
The least offensive sandwich to me is the Italian BMT. This includes pepperoni, salami, and ham. Once I add cheese, it passes my test of being the most unkosher meal I can order. But I always had one question about the BMT. What the fuck does BMT stand for? Due to the fact that 99% of the people working for Subway are foreign, I could never ask. But today that all changed.
I ordered my usual 6 inch Italian BMT combo with chocolate chip cookies in lieu of chips and I was stunned to see a white face looking back at me from behind the counter. I took this opportunity to ask the only sandwich artist who could speak fluent English my question for the ages. What does BMT stand for? The guy, who must have just returned from management training answered me immediately: "Brooklyn Manhattan Transfer." What this has to do with a pork sandwich, I'll never know, but one of life's mysteries is hereby solved.
McDonald's is rarely an option because 1) it could be the dirtiest McDonald's in America, 2) I don't really want to eat that crap more than I have to (Monopoly time), and 3) my idea of ambiance doesn't include a homeless person sitting next to me. Quizno's is ok, but its kind of expensive for what you get, although I do enjoy the pepper bar and horseradish sauce. This limits my choice to Subway.
Now, I don't really like Subway. Everything went downhill ever since they stopped the "U" style cutting of their bread and went to the straight across method. The only things I actually enjoy are the free refills and the fresh baked cookies. Since Subway is really the only option, I have to make the best of it.
The least offensive sandwich to me is the Italian BMT. This includes pepperoni, salami, and ham. Once I add cheese, it passes my test of being the most unkosher meal I can order. But I always had one question about the BMT. What the fuck does BMT stand for? Due to the fact that 99% of the people working for Subway are foreign, I could never ask. But today that all changed.
I ordered my usual 6 inch Italian BMT combo with chocolate chip cookies in lieu of chips and I was stunned to see a white face looking back at me from behind the counter. I took this opportunity to ask the only sandwich artist who could speak fluent English my question for the ages. What does BMT stand for? The guy, who must have just returned from management training answered me immediately: "Brooklyn Manhattan Transfer." What this has to do with a pork sandwich, I'll never know, but one of life's mysteries is hereby solved.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
"Tis the Season
This week is probably the second biggest dual-religion holiday week to December's Hannukmas season. And since Chanuka (how the fuck do you spell that shit?) is about as easy to schedule as Chinese New Year, this week in April offers a glimpse of both religions. Here is the big difference between Judaism and Christianity (A Catheter Man comparitive religion special):
Christians are able to take the death of Jesus and create a fun holiday, filled with candy, chocolate, painted eggs, and cartoon bunnies.
Jews take a presumably happy moment of escaping from slavery in Egypt and turn it into a week of not being able to eat bread. Who are the ad wizards that came up with that one?
Christians are able to take the death of Jesus and create a fun holiday, filled with candy, chocolate, painted eggs, and cartoon bunnies.
Jews take a presumably happy moment of escaping from slavery in Egypt and turn it into a week of not being able to eat bread. Who are the ad wizards that came up with that one?
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Is it me?
Last night after a old-fashioned early pregame, J-man, Ike, and I went out to one of our favorite drinking establishments. It turned out to be quite an interesting night. First, when we entered the bar, there were a few cops inside. This was pretty unusual. Then we saw the reason they were there: to arrest a guy for being black on a Saturday night. Uncomfortable for everyone involved.
After drinking for a little while, things devolved into our new favorite pastime: Who is your black celebrity equivalent? Its a simple game, really. All you have to do is come up with each person's black celebrity equivalent. See, its not just a clever name. Anyway, it was decided that mine is Shawn Wayans. I'm not really sure what that means, but it could be much worse. We agreed that our friend Schewey is Rog from What's Happening.
Once we left the bar, things got a little weirder. First, we saw a guy get thrown out of a different bar. That's not so strange, as our friend G man has been known to get "escorted" out of a bar in a full nelson from time to time. What was weird was that this guy had so much momentum coming out of the bar that he literally flew across the sidewalk and landed on his ass in the street. Okaaaaaaay.
Then we went to get some empanadas. Because nothing puts a cap on a night of drinking like hot meat. The guy serving the empanadas had a tattoo of a cross on his freaking forehead. Thats gotta hurt. Plus, it probably limits your job prospects to either professional boxer, gang member, or empanada server. Its good to see this guy took the right route.
All in all, an odd night.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Friday, April 07, 2006
Bored at Work
My department has been unusually empty the last few days and it has given me a chance to think about some things. The one that stnds out in my mind is this: If my company were to field a softball team, it could be the only one in history where the women re better than the men (except me, of course). Just something to think about.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
The gods must be crazy
I've moved sideways/down in the world. Now I am pretty much a glorified receptionist at my (temp) job. Although I also process TPS reports and other data-entry related tasks, I also have to answer the phone and sit in the gimpy half-cubicle, where anyone can see my computer screen and/or anything else I'm doing or not doing. To put it plainly, it sucks. But I really don't have much of a choice right now, so I have to take my little moments of enjoyment when I can get them.
One such moment happened today. As I have said before, I work in what could be described as the charitable fringe of society (if I were being paid by the company and not the temp agency, I would truly be a charity case). As such, I am treated to ridiculous conversations, creepy Xerox technicians, and every once in a while, absolutely surreal sights.
As I was minding my own business at my crapicle, some woman/man, standing about 6'4", with blonde highlights at the tips of her/his shoulder length hair walked in and asked if someone's office was in our department. It was only then that I realized that he/she was missing at least one of his/her front teeth. Imagine Leon Spinks crossed with Wanda from In Living Color.
It might have been the ugliest woman of all time or the most delusional pre or post-op transsexual ever. Either way, I could barely believe my eyes. What sucked was that I don't even have anyone to share my giddiness about Wanda Spinks with because I am the only "normal" person in my department. However, just as he/she was safely out of range, the hilarious guy who sits across from me leans back in his chair and says, "That's a big girl."
One such moment happened today. As I have said before, I work in what could be described as the charitable fringe of society (if I were being paid by the company and not the temp agency, I would truly be a charity case). As such, I am treated to ridiculous conversations, creepy Xerox technicians, and every once in a while, absolutely surreal sights.
As I was minding my own business at my crapicle, some woman/man, standing about 6'4", with blonde highlights at the tips of her/his shoulder length hair walked in and asked if someone's office was in our department. It was only then that I realized that he/she was missing at least one of his/her front teeth. Imagine Leon Spinks crossed with Wanda from In Living Color.
It might have been the ugliest woman of all time or the most delusional pre or post-op transsexual ever. Either way, I could barely believe my eyes. What sucked was that I don't even have anyone to share my giddiness about Wanda Spinks with because I am the only "normal" person in my department. However, just as he/she was safely out of range, the hilarious guy who sits across from me leans back in his chair and says, "That's a big girl."
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