This gem comes to us from www.an9ie@blogspot.com. Enjoy.
Bratz dolls - yeurgh
Flipping through the latest Target catalogue (I like catalogues. I find them soothing :) and ye gods, these horrible things are everywhere, with their bedroom eyes and slutty come-hither bee-stung lips. Apparently there's a talking one available that says things like "Let's go out and meet boys!" I wouldn't be surprised if the next lot of talking ones have Skank 101 programmed into them, with gems like:
"Oh Mom, I need to go on the Pill for my skin." (Yeah, pull the other one kiddo. Why don't you just get pregnant instead? My dermatologist says that's great for the complexion. And at least it's honest. I mean, really, in Year 9 I was amazed at the number of girls in my year who were on the Pill for their "skin", or "irregular periods" a.k.a. David from Geography class. It's a wonder Bathurst didn't have an epidemic of hermaphrodite cattle or sheep with really small genitals from all the hormones recycled into the water supply.)
"University degrees are for ugly girls!"
"Let's go Brazilian so boys will like us!"
OK, maybe that last one was a little far-fetched.
They're like ho' templates for little girls. Why are mothers buying these things for their daughters? I presume these are the same mothers who let their daughters leave the house looking like that. (You know what that means, do I have to spell it out? I know the guys love it, but can you spell J-A-I-L-B-A-I-T? Let's just say that with school holidays upon us, the shopping centres will be full of girls who look like they've been to a mass fluffer convention. "The Porn Recruitment Van's in town, everyone! Let's go audition!")
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Monday, April 11, 2005
Collar up by March
izod
Guys, seriously, the collar up thing has to stop. I can deal with you wearing your pastel-colored Izod shirts (that you spent $75 dollars on). I'm not sure why you wasted the money on a shirt that wasn't cool when I wore it back in '83 (so its certainly not cool now), but at least wearing it informs everyone that you are an idiot. Putting the collar up just makes you look rediculous. I don't care if you think you are Alex P. Keaton. The truth is, you are just some schmuck who spent too much on a shirt and everyone is laughing at you behind your back.
Now remember, the next time you think about throwing that collar up, think of this little girl. She looks much cooler than you.
Sunday, April 10, 2005
We won't be fooled again
Apparently, audiences around the country stayed away from "Fever Pitch" in droves during this, its opening weekend. Yes, movie audiences have become much more savvy in the last decade, but I was not expecting them to do this. See, Fever Pitch has what I like to call the "bait and switch" tactic written all over it. The most famous move to use this method (and to great success) was Jerry McGuire. You market the movie as a sports movie to get all the guys to come to see it with their girlfriends, but once they get in the doors, they quicky realize that it is a chick flick.
Male audiences must have realized that Fever Pitch was a prime suspect for the bait and switch and accordingly saw something else this weekend. Bravo, fellas. Don't fall for it again. Screw Hollywood.
Male audiences must have realized that Fever Pitch was a prime suspect for the bait and switch and accordingly saw something else this weekend. Bravo, fellas. Don't fall for it again. Screw Hollywood.
Saturday, April 09, 2005
The Li-Berry
I'm sitting here in the law school library on this glorious Saturday afternoon, when I could be outside doing any number of things. Who am I kidding? I'd probably be on my couch watching tv if I wasn't here. Regardless, I wish I was not here for obvious reasons.
I have this group real estate paper that has been looming all semester. Its due on the 11th, but the girl with the female baldness problem in my group thinks we should all have our parts done by tomorrow so we can spend a week "editing" the final version. This clearly conflicts with my wait-until-the-last-second-to-start technique that I have been perfecting since middle school. Anyway, that is the reason I'm here today.
The problem is (Neil Weisman moved in two days early) that I'm just having one of those days where its mentally impossible to do work. I can't even look at this stupid real estate crap for more than about 30 seconds. The second problem is that the professor went around to each group to assign them one or two parts of the paper to talk about in class on Wednesday and surprise, surprise, he chose one of the parts I am writing (one of the parts I am writing that I have no clue about).
I haven't skipped this class once this semester because I always thought that I may miss something important, so I was going to skip on Wednesday because I don't give a shit about what other people wrote. Now, not only do I have to go to this class, but I have to have something prepared that sounds coherent and does not leave some huge, obvious chunk out of. See kids, this is just one example of why you should never go back to school.
Well, I feel like I have wasted enough time today and I should at least look into this crap. See you later.
I have this group real estate paper that has been looming all semester. Its due on the 11th, but the girl with the female baldness problem in my group thinks we should all have our parts done by tomorrow so we can spend a week "editing" the final version. This clearly conflicts with my wait-until-the-last-second-to-start technique that I have been perfecting since middle school. Anyway, that is the reason I'm here today.
The problem is (Neil Weisman moved in two days early) that I'm just having one of those days where its mentally impossible to do work. I can't even look at this stupid real estate crap for more than about 30 seconds. The second problem is that the professor went around to each group to assign them one or two parts of the paper to talk about in class on Wednesday and surprise, surprise, he chose one of the parts I am writing (one of the parts I am writing that I have no clue about).
I haven't skipped this class once this semester because I always thought that I may miss something important, so I was going to skip on Wednesday because I don't give a shit about what other people wrote. Now, not only do I have to go to this class, but I have to have something prepared that sounds coherent and does not leave some huge, obvious chunk out of. See kids, this is just one example of why you should never go back to school.
Well, I feel like I have wasted enough time today and I should at least look into this crap. See you later.
Mr. Bergis
I listened to these a while ago and they are friggin hilarious. Check out some prank calls to Mr. Bergis, a redneck who gets extremely pissed off at some DJs.
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/mrbergis.html
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/mrbergis.html
Friday, April 08, 2005
Getting a (blow) Job
I have been unsuccessfully trying to obtain gainful employment for over a year now and I can't help but notice how similar my working dry spell has been to various sexual dry spells I have had during the course of my life. Here's what I mean.
When you are trying to get a job, there are many ways to do it: connections, classifieds, and unsolicited e-mails are just a few examples. This is much like trying to get laid. You can meet a girl through friends, classifieds, or unsolicited conversation at bars. As you may know, its much easier to get your foot in the door (or vagina, as the case may be) via friends. Next easiest is classifieds -- you know they are looking, but it might not be the perfect job for you. This is a lot like the drunk girl at the bar. Sure, she may be passing out on a pile of coats, but do you really want to take her home? Finally, the dream jobs are usually the ones who are seemingly never hiring and whose websites are nearly impossible to find, but when you do find it, you take a shot anyway. This is like that hot girl who always has a boyfriend. You know she's taken, but you might as well talk to her. She's fucking hot! Plus, maybe she'll see something in you that will make her want to dump her boyfriend (like your magnificent specimen of prime Alabama black snake).
So you send out your resumes and/or make calls to these jobs (what is the proper etiquette, anyway?) and you wait to hear back from them. Just like giving a girl "the vibe" all night and asking for her number. However long the wait is in both of these situations is equally painful and most of the time you half-expect the old "I have a boyfriend already" or no reply (from an employer). But there are those few times where the girl actually gives you her number and you're pretty stoked. Same thing with jobs. If I actually get a return e-mail (even if it is the old "we're not hiring right now," I'm extatic. Hey, they care enough to spend that 1 minute replying. You like me! You really like me!
Then there are the few and far between situations where the company tells you to respond and you call. Is there anything worse than getting voice mail? I'll answer: no. I'm always tempted to just hang up without leaving a message, but at that point, I usually do anyway, just to show them that I am interested and I did call. The same rules apply to calling a girl for the first time. You never really know how long to wait before calling and when you actually do, its always a voicemail.
Then begins the oh-so-gut-wrenching wait to see if they actually call you back. Inevitably, you give them your home number (because its just too early to bring the celly into this relationship) and if and when they do call, you are not home. This leads to another awkward situation of "when do I call back?" So you call back the next day and it goes to voicemail again.
Thus begins the little game of phone tag that rapidly starts diminsihing your percieved chances of landing the job (or girl) and wreaks havoc on your mental stability. Every day is a constant battle between: "should I call back or will that turn her off?" Every day, you are waiting for that familiar buzzing in your pocket (since at this point you are desperate and gave them the cell number). Every time someone else calls, you are not only disappointed, but pissed off.
Eventually, you leave one last-ditch message to try and repair the situation (maybe even an e-mail). All the while, you are cursing your bad timing and asking why you couldn't have been there when they called back the first time. Finally, all hope is lost and you accept defeat. Then you go out with your friends and try and drown your sorrows in Puerto Rican rum and carbonated beverages, all the while planning your next method of attack.
This is why dating and getting a job are so hard. I, for one, almost always prefer not knowing if I could have gotten it to knowing that I will never get it. In both cases you are empty handed, but at least in the first situation you still have hope. And hope, if not just a city in Arkansas, is what human existance is built on. I hope I can make it across the border... I hope to see my friend and shake his hand... I hope the pacific is a blue as it has been in my dreams... I hope...
When you are trying to get a job, there are many ways to do it: connections, classifieds, and unsolicited e-mails are just a few examples. This is much like trying to get laid. You can meet a girl through friends, classifieds, or unsolicited conversation at bars. As you may know, its much easier to get your foot in the door (or vagina, as the case may be) via friends. Next easiest is classifieds -- you know they are looking, but it might not be the perfect job for you. This is a lot like the drunk girl at the bar. Sure, she may be passing out on a pile of coats, but do you really want to take her home? Finally, the dream jobs are usually the ones who are seemingly never hiring and whose websites are nearly impossible to find, but when you do find it, you take a shot anyway. This is like that hot girl who always has a boyfriend. You know she's taken, but you might as well talk to her. She's fucking hot! Plus, maybe she'll see something in you that will make her want to dump her boyfriend (like your magnificent specimen of prime Alabama black snake).
So you send out your resumes and/or make calls to these jobs (what is the proper etiquette, anyway?) and you wait to hear back from them. Just like giving a girl "the vibe" all night and asking for her number. However long the wait is in both of these situations is equally painful and most of the time you half-expect the old "I have a boyfriend already" or no reply (from an employer). But there are those few times where the girl actually gives you her number and you're pretty stoked. Same thing with jobs. If I actually get a return e-mail (even if it is the old "we're not hiring right now," I'm extatic. Hey, they care enough to spend that 1 minute replying. You like me! You really like me!
Then there are the few and far between situations where the company tells you to respond and you call. Is there anything worse than getting voice mail? I'll answer: no. I'm always tempted to just hang up without leaving a message, but at that point, I usually do anyway, just to show them that I am interested and I did call. The same rules apply to calling a girl for the first time. You never really know how long to wait before calling and when you actually do, its always a voicemail.
Then begins the oh-so-gut-wrenching wait to see if they actually call you back. Inevitably, you give them your home number (because its just too early to bring the celly into this relationship) and if and when they do call, you are not home. This leads to another awkward situation of "when do I call back?" So you call back the next day and it goes to voicemail again.
Thus begins the little game of phone tag that rapidly starts diminsihing your percieved chances of landing the job (or girl) and wreaks havoc on your mental stability. Every day is a constant battle between: "should I call back or will that turn her off?" Every day, you are waiting for that familiar buzzing in your pocket (since at this point you are desperate and gave them the cell number). Every time someone else calls, you are not only disappointed, but pissed off.
Eventually, you leave one last-ditch message to try and repair the situation (maybe even an e-mail). All the while, you are cursing your bad timing and asking why you couldn't have been there when they called back the first time. Finally, all hope is lost and you accept defeat. Then you go out with your friends and try and drown your sorrows in Puerto Rican rum and carbonated beverages, all the while planning your next method of attack.
This is why dating and getting a job are so hard. I, for one, almost always prefer not knowing if I could have gotten it to knowing that I will never get it. In both cases you are empty handed, but at least in the first situation you still have hope. And hope, if not just a city in Arkansas, is what human existance is built on. I hope I can make it across the border... I hope to see my friend and shake his hand... I hope the pacific is a blue as it has been in my dreams... I hope...
Thursday, April 07, 2005
What is the deal with Tivo?
Many people sing the praises of Tivo because of its ability to record shows digitally while you are not home (or even when you are home). Granted, I have been able to catch many missed prime-time shows due to my rediculous law school schedule that has me going to class Monday through Thursday from 8-10 pm, but I am heartily dissatisfied with the company on a whole.
Tivo has this option called "Season Pass," where it is supposed to record the same show every week (or at least whenever there is a new one on). It started out all fine and dandy, but recently Tivo has not been recording what I set it up for or alternatively, whatever it wants.
Case in point: I have a season pass for South Park. Last night, there was a new one on. Since my class ended at 9:20, I was forced to wait for the law school bus to the Metro until 9:45 (they come at :15 and :45 past the hour). This always makes me livid because most classes end at either :20 or :50 past the hour and they could have the bus show up at :30 and :00 past the hour, but they don't because they are assfaces. Anyway, I get to the Metro probably around 10.
When I get down to the track there is a 10 minute wait for the next train going in my direction. Luckily, I had the Washington Post Express with me and read every word of it and completed the crossword to pass the time. Finally the train comes and takes about another 3 or 4 minutes to get to my stop. Then it is a 5 minute trek up the world's longest escalator and another few minutes to walk to my apartment. Basically, I didn't get home until about 10:30, right in time to miss South Park.
Not to worry, Tivo recorded it, right? Well, I go to the Now Playing list and there it is: South Park. When I press play, not only am I dismayed to find out that South Park did was not there, but in its stead was an infomercial with fat people and Jeff Probst from Survivor (at least I think it was him because I was fast forwarding through the whole thing in disbelief). So what gives? Why is Tivo all messed up? If anyone has any tips, feel free to comment.
Luckily, South Park re-airs at 12 for the West coast, so I caught that one. Its going to be a sad day when these cable channels have enough programming to stop re-airing the same shows for the west coast later in the night. Lets all pray that it never happens.
Tivo has this option called "Season Pass," where it is supposed to record the same show every week (or at least whenever there is a new one on). It started out all fine and dandy, but recently Tivo has not been recording what I set it up for or alternatively, whatever it wants.
Case in point: I have a season pass for South Park. Last night, there was a new one on. Since my class ended at 9:20, I was forced to wait for the law school bus to the Metro until 9:45 (they come at :15 and :45 past the hour). This always makes me livid because most classes end at either :20 or :50 past the hour and they could have the bus show up at :30 and :00 past the hour, but they don't because they are assfaces. Anyway, I get to the Metro probably around 10.
When I get down to the track there is a 10 minute wait for the next train going in my direction. Luckily, I had the Washington Post Express with me and read every word of it and completed the crossword to pass the time. Finally the train comes and takes about another 3 or 4 minutes to get to my stop. Then it is a 5 minute trek up the world's longest escalator and another few minutes to walk to my apartment. Basically, I didn't get home until about 10:30, right in time to miss South Park.
Not to worry, Tivo recorded it, right? Well, I go to the Now Playing list and there it is: South Park. When I press play, not only am I dismayed to find out that South Park did was not there, but in its stead was an infomercial with fat people and Jeff Probst from Survivor (at least I think it was him because I was fast forwarding through the whole thing in disbelief). So what gives? Why is Tivo all messed up? If anyone has any tips, feel free to comment.
Luckily, South Park re-airs at 12 for the West coast, so I caught that one. Its going to be a sad day when these cable channels have enough programming to stop re-airing the same shows for the west coast later in the night. Lets all pray that it never happens.
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