Getting a (blow) Job

I have been unsuccessfully trying to obtain gainful employment for over a year now and I can't help but notice how similar my working dry spell has been to various sexual dry spells I have had during the course of my life. Here's what I mean.

When you are trying to get a job, there are many ways to do it: connections, classifieds, and unsolicited e-mails are just a few examples. This is much like trying to get laid. You can meet a girl through friends, classifieds, or unsolicited conversation at bars. As you may know, its much easier to get your foot in the door (or vagina, as the case may be) via friends. Next easiest is classifieds -- you know they are looking, but it might not be the perfect job for you. This is a lot like the drunk girl at the bar. Sure, she may be passing out on a pile of coats, but do you really want to take her home? Finally, the dream jobs are usually the ones who are seemingly never hiring and whose websites are nearly impossible to find, but when you do find it, you take a shot anyway. This is like that hot girl who always has a boyfriend. You know she's taken, but you might as well talk to her. She's fucking hot! Plus, maybe she'll see something in you that will make her want to dump her boyfriend (like your magnificent specimen of prime Alabama black snake).

So you send out your resumes and/or make calls to these jobs (what is the proper etiquette, anyway?) and you wait to hear back from them. Just like giving a girl "the vibe" all night and asking for her number. However long the wait is in both of these situations is equally painful and most of the time you half-expect the old "I have a boyfriend already" or no reply (from an employer). But there are those few times where the girl actually gives you her number and you're pretty stoked. Same thing with jobs. If I actually get a return e-mail (even if it is the old "we're not hiring right now," I'm extatic. Hey, they care enough to spend that 1 minute replying. You like me! You really like me!

Then there are the few and far between situations where the company tells you to respond and you call. Is there anything worse than getting voice mail? I'll answer: no. I'm always tempted to just hang up without leaving a message, but at that point, I usually do anyway, just to show them that I am interested and I did call. The same rules apply to calling a girl for the first time. You never really know how long to wait before calling and when you actually do, its always a voicemail.

Then begins the oh-so-gut-wrenching wait to see if they actually call you back. Inevitably, you give them your home number (because its just too early to bring the celly into this relationship) and if and when they do call, you are not home. This leads to another awkward situation of "when do I call back?" So you call back the next day and it goes to voicemail again.

Thus begins the little game of phone tag that rapidly starts diminsihing your percieved chances of landing the job (or girl) and wreaks havoc on your mental stability. Every day is a constant battle between: "should I call back or will that turn her off?" Every day, you are waiting for that familiar buzzing in your pocket (since at this point you are desperate and gave them the cell number). Every time someone else calls, you are not only disappointed, but pissed off.

Eventually, you leave one last-ditch message to try and repair the situation (maybe even an e-mail). All the while, you are cursing your bad timing and asking why you couldn't have been there when they called back the first time. Finally, all hope is lost and you accept defeat. Then you go out with your friends and try and drown your sorrows in Puerto Rican rum and carbonated beverages, all the while planning your next method of attack.

This is why dating and getting a job are so hard. I, for one, almost always prefer not knowing if I could have gotten it to knowing that I will never get it. In both cases you are empty handed, but at least in the first situation you still have hope. And hope, if not just a city in Arkansas, is what human existance is built on. I hope I can make it across the border... I hope to see my friend and shake his hand... I hope the pacific is a blue as it has been in my dreams... I hope...