This is a new feature I'm starting on my blog. I don't claim to be an expert at anything, but that won't stop me from trying. Here is where I will pick every NFL game and 2 college football games with the spread. I usually would pick the NFL games straight up, but I figure if I can get some gamblers to start using my picks, maybe I can charge for them. Hopefully by the end of the year we will see if I know anything about either level of football. Onto Week 1.
College Games
Boise State (+3.5) @ Oregon State -- Oregon State is no Georgia. Jared Zabransky will not turn the ball over 6 times in the first half again, as Boise State plays with a chip on its collective shoulder and proves that it still belongs with the big boys.
Notre Dame (+7) @ Michigan -- This is my second straight week picking against my Michigan squad. I'm doing this for a number of reasons. First, Charlie Weis looked like he had Norte Dame running like a Kenyan in a marathon last week. Lloyd Carr always loses the first tough out of conference game. Michigan's defense is horrible this year. I think Notre Dame could win this game outright. All that being said, I still will be rooting for my Wolverines.
NFL Games
Oakland (+7.5) @ New England -- This is a tough one. How good is Oakland going to be this year? Sure, they added Lamont Jordan and Randy Moss (and Jerry Porter is back after a triumphant year of destroying my fantasy football season), but Kerry Collins is still their QB and Norv Turner is still their coach. Therefore, no lead is safe. On the other hand, New England lost both Charlie Weis and Romeo Crennell, as well as Bruschi and Patten. Still, I think the New England home field advantage will allow them to win, but it will be a close game. Vinatieri kicks a game winner.
Tampa Bay @ Minnesota (-6) -- Tampa Bay has been crap ever since the departure of Warren Sapp. Their defense used to keep them in games that they should have been blown out in because their offense was terrible. Their offense is still terrible and I don't really trust Cadillac Williams to make it much better. Minnesota lost 50% of its offense in the offseason with Moss leaving, but their defense got much better. I think this will be relatively low-scoring, with Culpepper carrying the Vikes on his back to their first win of the year. Mike Tice is an idiot.
Denver (-4) @ Miami -- Home dog alert! Still, I don't trust Miami at all. Denver will blow them out. Miami's defense is getting old and their offense is nearly non-existent. I mean, Gus Frerotte is their QB.
Tennessee (+7) @ Pittsburgh -- Pittsburgh is without its 2 top backs and their 2nd receiver from last year. Their defense is still good though. But I think the Norm Chow era is going to bring the magic back to the Titans. The problem is that the Titans D is awful. This game will probably be close, as Roethlisberger comes crashing back down to Earth this season. I think the Titans could pull a (male) shocker and win this one outright.
Chicago @ Washington (-6.5) -- This may be the only time I pick the Skins all year, so be forewarned. This is officially the game that nobody wants to watch. Both teams are god-awful on offense, but their defenses will be ok. I think the difference in this one will be a defensive TD from Washington in a low scoring snooze fest.
New Orleans @ Carolina (-6.5) -- All the stuff that has gone on in New Orleans in the past week will serve as another distraction to a team that already has adult ADD. I'd be surprised if they are anywhere near ready to play. Carolina is SI's darkhorse for the Superbowl, but their RBs have to stay healthy for a chance at that.
Seattle (+3) @ Jacksonville -- I really want to dislike Seattle and like Jacksonville this year, but I just can't do it Week One. Shaun Alexander is too good and Byron Leftwich hasn't really proven himself yet. If Fred Taylor is really healthy and Jacksonville can work Matt Jones into the offense, this team could go far, but I just don't trust them yet.
Houston (+4) @ Buffalo -- Speaking of not trusting people...J.P. Losman. I don't like Houston that much, but I think that Losman will cost the Bills their first home game this year due to some rookie mistakes. One the other hand, Houston's offense should be poised for a breakout year or else the David Carr experiment might be drawing to a close.
Cincy (-3) @ Cleveland -- Another home dog. Cincy should roll up on Cleveland this week. I see absolutely nothing to like about Cleveland this year. In fact, I am making this game the Catheter Man Lock of the Week. This game is going to be like figuring out who is the gay on the first episode of the Real World.
Jets @ KC (-3) -- This game might be a shootout, but I think that KC wins at home too mugh for me to pick against them. I love that the Pennington-Coles connection is back in NY, but Curtis Martin is getting too old for this shit. I know I have said that every year for the past 4 years and he proves me wrong every year, but I'm saying that this is the year he finally slows down.
Green Bay (+3) @ Detroit -- This is a tough game to pick. I'm going to have to take GB even though Favre is old, Green is broken, and Walker is overrated. Detroit can draft all the WRs it wants, but it still has to stop someone on defense and I don't think their D is going to stop Favre and company this week.
Dallas (+4.5) @ San Diego -- I think San Diego will win this game, but it will be close. I'm only picking San Diego because its Week 1. If this game were to be played in Week 10, it may be a different story. I think that San Diego was a fluke last year and will come down to reality again this year. Meanwhile, Dallas will make the playoffs even though they have Bledsoe at QB. I just don't think they can pull it together enough to get a tough road win this week.
St. Louis (-4.5) @ San Francisco -- This game should be an absolute blowout. San Francisco is a disaster this year.
Arizona @ Giants (-1.5) -- I really want to pick the Cardinals, but they are the Cardinals. I definitely don't trust Eli Manning to get this win, but Tiki Barber should have a good day against a weak Cards D. Kurt Warner not only has to prove that he can still win games, but also that he can still throw a pass. I have to go with the Giants here because I hate Kurt Warner's wife.
Indy @ Baltimore (+3) -- This is the Catheter Man Upset Special. I think that Baltimore will make it a point to punish Manning to the point where all the fantasy owners that took him high in drafts will start questioning their own manhood. Baltimore's D is going to be sick like the plague this year. If Kyle Boller can do anything on offense, this is going to be a team to be reckoned with. With a D this good, I can't resist taking Baltimore as home dogs.
Philly (-2) @ Hotlanta -- I hate to take Philly in this game, but I just don't think that Atlanta can hang with them yet. Vick is such a bad passer that he ruined Peerless Price's career. Think about that. Philly wins in a close game.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
I am officially unemployable
Today I decided that enough was enough. It was time to drop the search for my dream job (or any job I am remotely interested in or qualified for) and waive the white flag. I called a staffing agency (aka: headhunter) to try and help me get a job. I don't have many requirements, but here's what I want: 1) full time (with benefits), 2) normal working hours (in other words not the night shift), 3) salary, 4) my own desk, computer, and phone line, 5) metro-accessible. Thats it. I don't care what I am doing or who I am working for or even how much I make. I just want a job. You would think that all of those criteria would be pretty standard (except for the metro-accessible part), but I have learned from experience that companies will try and fuck you out of those things. With this in mind, I thought that I could send my overqualifications to a headhunter and be able to get some sort of job pretty quickly.
I sent my resume to this place on Friday and called them this morning to check and see if I could come in and talk to someone about placing me somewhere. The voice on the other end of the phone said that someone would be reviewing my resume and then they would call me if they wanted. As of now, I have still not been contacted and I can only assume that if they do not contact you almost immediately, your shit has probably been filed in the garbage. So there it is. I was shot down by a headhunter. I have been shot down by 2 temp agencies in my day also. Par for the course.
The way things are going, I am going to have to apply to be a waiter at an Irish pub near my apartment, but I really don't have the heart to get shot down there right now.
I sent my resume to this place on Friday and called them this morning to check and see if I could come in and talk to someone about placing me somewhere. The voice on the other end of the phone said that someone would be reviewing my resume and then they would call me if they wanted. As of now, I have still not been contacted and I can only assume that if they do not contact you almost immediately, your shit has probably been filed in the garbage. So there it is. I was shot down by a headhunter. I have been shot down by 2 temp agencies in my day also. Par for the course.
The way things are going, I am going to have to apply to be a waiter at an Irish pub near my apartment, but I really don't have the heart to get shot down there right now.
Sunday, September 04, 2005
Every decision I ever make is wrong (aka: The Costanza Post) (aka: The Annual Fantasy Football Rundown) (aka: Dr. Phil raped me at a wedding).
As some of you may know, I have been participating in fantasy football since early in High School. In fact, I made perhaps the best fantasy football trade of all time (Rodney Peete for Troy Aikman straight up. I convinced Nick Park that Peete got a lot of rushing yards). For all this experience, I think the closest I have ever come to winning was second place twice. I don't see it getting much better this year without a healthy dose of luck, a few more hurricanes, and perhaps a team plane crash.
This year, as has been the norm in the last three, I am in two fantasy football leagues. One is a keeper league, where I basically just donate my entry fee every year due to (what else?) some bad luck with running backs. Whether it was Stephen Davis, Charlie Garner, Jamal Lewis, Travis Henry, Thomas Jones or anyone else, there is always some sort of disaster with my RBs. The worst was Jamal Lewis, where I traded for him near the end of the season and he promptly got injured for an entire year (so I couldn't justify keepering him). This year was no different. We kept 3 players, none of mine were RBs.
The other league is a non-keeper league, where I have had some luck...in the draft. In this 12 man league, I have drafted 1st, 1st, and 5th overall prior to this year. What usually happens with this league is that my team looks great after the draft and then through a series of injuries, bad calls, and acts of god, I end up losing a shitload of games. I think I went through a stretch last season where I lost 3 games by less than 8 points combined. Terrible.
***News Flash***
I began writing this post before I went out tonight and now I'm back. I wanted to relay this story to you in case I forgot it. Best line of the night: as we were walking down the street in Georgetown, there is a girl and a guy who are both pretty sloshed (she more than he), he is holding her shoes because I guess it is too much for her to handle high heels in her state. Then we hear this from her, "Wait. How old are you?" To which he replies... wait for it... wait for it... "A senior in high school." She immediately starts audibly having second thoughts and says, "You're too young for me." It turns out that she was 24 and they wound up going back to "his place" anyway, but only after he changed his story to "I'm 21." Either way, I think she was too drunk to realize that he might have had a retainer.
Back to the Fantasy Football...
I'll start with my non-keeper team, so that you aren't too depressed to continue. I took on a new partner this year partially because he wanted to be in our league and there are no open teams and partially because I was sick of losing all my money each year. At least this way I only lose half of what I would have. I took the card to determine draft order and was somewhat disappointed and relieved to have the #6 overall. It was my worst pick ever, but not terrible. The first round went as such:
1) LaDanian Tomlinson
2) Peyton Manning (I thought we were going to have to take him at 6)
3) Shaun Alexander
4) Poop McAllister
5) Dominick Davis, yes, Dominick Davis (thank you Chubbs)
6) Priest Holmes (2nd best Priest ever, 1st being Priest Lauderdale)
7) Randy Moss
8) Daunte Culpepper
9) Edge James
10) Willis McGaywad
11) Clinton Portis
12) Terrell Owens
I was quite extatic to wind up with Holmes at the #6. If he stays healthy, he could power us to the playoffs by himself. That being said, we had to take Grandmama in the later rounds to make sure we didn't get screwed. Here's the rest of our draft in that league.
2) Torry "Big Game" Holt
3) Rudi Johnson
4) Mark Clayton
5) Roy "The Legend" Williams
6) Larry Johnson
7) Matt Hasselbeck
8) Lee Evans
9) Atlanta D
10) Stephen Davis (if he starts, we're golden, like Jesse)
11) Chris Cooley (sleeper alert!)
12) Steve "Air" McNair (Super Sleeper Alert!!!)
13) David Akers
14) Greg Lewis (Super Duper Sleeper Alert!!!!!)
15) Matt Jones (Who is Matt Jones? A freak of nature.)
16) Titans D (this one sucked, but the D we wanted just got taken 1 pick ahead)
17) Onterrio Smith (we didn't realize he was out for the whole year)
18) Billy Volek (gotta back up McNair)
We then dropped Onterrio Smith and picked up the Rams D because they are better than the Titans and they are playing the Niners in week one, so thats our team. I think we have a pretty good shot.
On to my other league.
This was the keeper league. To make a long story short, I wound up having to keep Andre Johnson, Roy Williams, and Tony Gonzalez. Not a great situation to be in. This was compounded by the fact that every other team kept at least 1 running back, mostly 2, and sometimes 3.
Due to a quirk in the rules, although I finished last in the regular season, I was not able to get the first pick in the draft because in order to do so, I would have had to win out in the toilet bowl tournament (a rule that will probably always have the effect of making the best of the worst teams always get the #1 draft pick). Alas, I was guaranteed the #2 pick and managed not to screw that up.
The best of the worst teams kept Culpepper, Dom Davis, and Kevin Jones, so I should have had my choice of the available running backs. Unfortunately, one of the other owners traded up to get the #1 and picked Cadillac Williams (who I probably would have selected). I then bit the proverbial bullet and took Warrick Dunn with my first pick to be my #1 running back. Here's to another year donating money to people who have much more of it than I do.
Here my team in that league. Feel free to laugh at me and throw fecal matter in my general direction as you are reading this.
Trent Green
Kurt Warner
Warrick Dunn
Mike Anderson
Travis Henry
William Green
Andre Johnson
Roy Williams
Deion Branch
Antwaan Randle-el
Braylon Edwards
Tony Gonzalez
Erron Kinney (he will be dropped soon)
Adam Vinatieri
Nate Kaeding
Atl D
Dallas D
So the team is not terrible and I think I could sneak up on some teams, but there is about a snowball's chance in hell that I can win (or make the playoffs) with that squad. There's a better chance of one or all of my running backs eventually not starting this season and me not winning a game (which would be quite an accomplishment) [Editor's note: at the time of this writing, both William Green and Travis Henry have already "lost" their starting jobs]
Neil Weisman moved in two days early.
This year, as has been the norm in the last three, I am in two fantasy football leagues. One is a keeper league, where I basically just donate my entry fee every year due to (what else?) some bad luck with running backs. Whether it was Stephen Davis, Charlie Garner, Jamal Lewis, Travis Henry, Thomas Jones or anyone else, there is always some sort of disaster with my RBs. The worst was Jamal Lewis, where I traded for him near the end of the season and he promptly got injured for an entire year (so I couldn't justify keepering him). This year was no different. We kept 3 players, none of mine were RBs.
The other league is a non-keeper league, where I have had some luck...in the draft. In this 12 man league, I have drafted 1st, 1st, and 5th overall prior to this year. What usually happens with this league is that my team looks great after the draft and then through a series of injuries, bad calls, and acts of god, I end up losing a shitload of games. I think I went through a stretch last season where I lost 3 games by less than 8 points combined. Terrible.
***News Flash***
I began writing this post before I went out tonight and now I'm back. I wanted to relay this story to you in case I forgot it. Best line of the night: as we were walking down the street in Georgetown, there is a girl and a guy who are both pretty sloshed (she more than he), he is holding her shoes because I guess it is too much for her to handle high heels in her state. Then we hear this from her, "Wait. How old are you?" To which he replies... wait for it... wait for it... "A senior in high school." She immediately starts audibly having second thoughts and says, "You're too young for me." It turns out that she was 24 and they wound up going back to "his place" anyway, but only after he changed his story to "I'm 21." Either way, I think she was too drunk to realize that he might have had a retainer.
Back to the Fantasy Football...
I'll start with my non-keeper team, so that you aren't too depressed to continue. I took on a new partner this year partially because he wanted to be in our league and there are no open teams and partially because I was sick of losing all my money each year. At least this way I only lose half of what I would have. I took the card to determine draft order and was somewhat disappointed and relieved to have the #6 overall. It was my worst pick ever, but not terrible. The first round went as such:
1) LaDanian Tomlinson
2) Peyton Manning (I thought we were going to have to take him at 6)
3) Shaun Alexander
4) Poop McAllister
5) Dominick Davis, yes, Dominick Davis (thank you Chubbs)
6) Priest Holmes (2nd best Priest ever, 1st being Priest Lauderdale)
7) Randy Moss
8) Daunte Culpepper
9) Edge James
10) Willis McGaywad
11) Clinton Portis
12) Terrell Owens
I was quite extatic to wind up with Holmes at the #6. If he stays healthy, he could power us to the playoffs by himself. That being said, we had to take Grandmama in the later rounds to make sure we didn't get screwed. Here's the rest of our draft in that league.
2) Torry "Big Game" Holt
3) Rudi Johnson
4) Mark Clayton
5) Roy "The Legend" Williams
6) Larry Johnson
7) Matt Hasselbeck
8) Lee Evans
9) Atlanta D
10) Stephen Davis (if he starts, we're golden, like Jesse)
11) Chris Cooley (sleeper alert!)
12) Steve "Air" McNair (Super Sleeper Alert!!!)
13) David Akers
14) Greg Lewis (Super Duper Sleeper Alert!!!!!)
15) Matt Jones (Who is Matt Jones? A freak of nature.)
16) Titans D (this one sucked, but the D we wanted just got taken 1 pick ahead)
17) Onterrio Smith (we didn't realize he was out for the whole year)
18) Billy Volek (gotta back up McNair)
We then dropped Onterrio Smith and picked up the Rams D because they are better than the Titans and they are playing the Niners in week one, so thats our team. I think we have a pretty good shot.
On to my other league.
This was the keeper league. To make a long story short, I wound up having to keep Andre Johnson, Roy Williams, and Tony Gonzalez. Not a great situation to be in. This was compounded by the fact that every other team kept at least 1 running back, mostly 2, and sometimes 3.
Due to a quirk in the rules, although I finished last in the regular season, I was not able to get the first pick in the draft because in order to do so, I would have had to win out in the toilet bowl tournament (a rule that will probably always have the effect of making the best of the worst teams always get the #1 draft pick). Alas, I was guaranteed the #2 pick and managed not to screw that up.
The best of the worst teams kept Culpepper, Dom Davis, and Kevin Jones, so I should have had my choice of the available running backs. Unfortunately, one of the other owners traded up to get the #1 and picked Cadillac Williams (who I probably would have selected). I then bit the proverbial bullet and took Warrick Dunn with my first pick to be my #1 running back. Here's to another year donating money to people who have much more of it than I do.
Here my team in that league. Feel free to laugh at me and throw fecal matter in my general direction as you are reading this.
Trent Green
Kurt Warner
Warrick Dunn
Mike Anderson
Travis Henry
William Green
Andre Johnson
Roy Williams
Deion Branch
Antwaan Randle-el
Braylon Edwards
Tony Gonzalez
Erron Kinney (he will be dropped soon)
Adam Vinatieri
Nate Kaeding
Atl D
Dallas D
So the team is not terrible and I think I could sneak up on some teams, but there is about a snowball's chance in hell that I can win (or make the playoffs) with that squad. There's a better chance of one or all of my running backs eventually not starting this season and me not winning a game (which would be quite an accomplishment) [Editor's note: at the time of this writing, both William Green and Travis Henry have already "lost" their starting jobs]
Neil Weisman moved in two days early.
Saturday, September 03, 2005
Rehnquist: Dead
I usually hate to bring up politics on this blog, but now that Rehnquist is dead and the Republicans are going to sneak Roberts onto the Court amid the distraction of their callous disregard for the devastation in New Orleans, I feel I have to. What this ultimately means is that Bush, the same President that brought you the first attack on the continental United States since the Revolutionary war, never finding those responsible for 9/11, a war in Iraq based on tenuous at best justification, and soaring gas prices, gets to appoint another young, white, Christian, male justice to the Supreme Court to help implement the Neo-Conservative Final Solution. We'll probably be back to slavery in the next 30 years if these Justices keep leaving or dying on Bush's watch. Here's to going backwards! Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't call myself a Democrat either. In fact, I think the two party system has completely undermined the idea of democracy by placing votes for sale to special interests and lobbyists, but the 'Crats are clearly the lesser of two evils here. At least the old school Republicans were fiscally responsible.
Here's my theory: There are only two types of people who voted for Bush:
1) You are a Bible-thumping idiot who hates blacks, gays, and any other minority even though you probably have a gay son or daughter.
2) You are rich and like the sound of tax cuts.
I don't care what anyone says, there are no other reasons to vote for him. If you did, you fall into one of those categories, even if you won't admit it.
What do you think will happen first: Bush will find Bin Laden (or the WMDs in Iraq) or OJ will find the "real killers"? Seriously. Its like one of those Chicken or the Egg enigmas (even though the egg clearly came first -- think dinosaurs).
Rediculous Bet #1
Last night I bet the J-Man $10 that the Redskins would win less than 6 games this year. I originally said the over/under was 4, but he gave me 5 and the under. As many of you know, I have some of the worst luck in the business and the J-Man has some of the best, but this is one of those bets where I hope I'm wrong. Even if I lose the bet, I win in the long run because the Skins will have won more games than I thought.
Of course, this means that the Skins will win 6 games and still suck this year. I guess I failed to take into consideration the last couple of games of the year that they usually win in order to have a worse draft pick, but I think we might have traded our entire draft for a magic bean this year, so they might end up getting a great draft pick only to have squandered it on moving up to get Jason Campbell.
Of course, this means that the Skins will win 6 games and still suck this year. I guess I failed to take into consideration the last couple of games of the year that they usually win in order to have a worse draft pick, but I think we might have traded our entire draft for a magic bean this year, so they might end up getting a great draft pick only to have squandered it on moving up to get Jason Campbell.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Keywords 3
Since I have nothing much else to say today, here are some Ramblings and Keywords.
-- The Redskins are going to be just awful this year. I put the over/under at 4 wins.
-- The old time baseball nicknames were the best. I wish I had a friend named Sparky, don't you?
-- Does anyone else refuse to go to movies anywhere near their opening weekends because they hate people as much as I do?
-- Remember in elementary school when there was like one fat kid per grade (me)? I bet now there's like 15 fat kids per grade.
-- I honestly believe I'm both smart and lazy enough to graduate with a 3.0 average at any college in the country, from Harvard to ITT Tech.
-- If it were possible to slap some sense into the Tivo, mine would be black and blue by now. If I see "Tivo would like to change the channel at 10:00 to record Tivo Suggestion: King of the Hill" one more time, I'm going to drop kick that motherfucker out the window, especially if I'm watching something like 61*.
-- My digestive system is about as fast as Terry Schiavo running the 40, but I swear, once I have a Dairy Queen Blizzard, I start releasing worse gas than Zyklon B. (For those of you who get that reference, it could be my most offensive joke ever).
Keywords recently used to access my site:
Dog in a bathtub
Picture of Deron Williams with girlfriend
Andrea Barber dead rumors
Dancia McKellar
Kimmie Gibler treatment
Braylon Edwards pink shirt
Scrumtralescent
Truth of car crash to Drazen Petrovic
pretend bees drunk car "black sheep" "chris farley"
Raymond Felton's girlfriend
NBA draft jehova witness
Cedric Benson crying
Whale's vagina
I hate you and your weird nipples
Dancia McKellar Nude
Vagina Gaff
Demarcus Ware highlight videos
Worst stunt injury pulled by Bam Margera
-- The Redskins are going to be just awful this year. I put the over/under at 4 wins.
-- The old time baseball nicknames were the best. I wish I had a friend named Sparky, don't you?
-- Does anyone else refuse to go to movies anywhere near their opening weekends because they hate people as much as I do?
-- Remember in elementary school when there was like one fat kid per grade (me)? I bet now there's like 15 fat kids per grade.
-- I honestly believe I'm both smart and lazy enough to graduate with a 3.0 average at any college in the country, from Harvard to ITT Tech.
-- If it were possible to slap some sense into the Tivo, mine would be black and blue by now. If I see "Tivo would like to change the channel at 10:00 to record Tivo Suggestion: King of the Hill" one more time, I'm going to drop kick that motherfucker out the window, especially if I'm watching something like 61*.
-- My digestive system is about as fast as Terry Schiavo running the 40, but I swear, once I have a Dairy Queen Blizzard, I start releasing worse gas than Zyklon B. (For those of you who get that reference, it could be my most offensive joke ever).
Keywords recently used to access my site:
Dog in a bathtub
Picture of Deron Williams with girlfriend
Andrea Barber dead rumors
Dancia McKellar
Kimmie Gibler treatment
Braylon Edwards pink shirt
Scrumtralescent
Truth of car crash to Drazen Petrovic
pretend bees drunk car "black sheep" "chris farley"
Raymond Felton's girlfriend
NBA draft jehova witness
Cedric Benson crying
Whale's vagina
I hate you and your weird nipples
Dancia McKellar Nude
Vagina Gaff
Demarcus Ware highlight videos
Worst stunt injury pulled by Bam Margera
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Hi, I'm Tom.
Tonight I had my birthday celebration extravaganza. Since my birthday falls on a weekday this year, I decided to make it tonight based on a number of criteria. I usually don't like to make a big deal out of my birthday because much like New Year's Eve, its always one of those days that is overhyped and overrated. I usually just feel shorter of breath and one day closer to death. But this year I gladly accepted the chance to go out to dinner and drinks, mostly because I am dirt poor right now and could use the break from paying for drinks for a night.
The worst thing about always being nearly broke at the end of August is the looming fantasy football fees that are always right around the corner. I am one of those rare people that feels bad when I owe someone money and I always get it back to them, without exception, the next time I see them. Being unemployable has lead to me not being able to pay for my fantasy teams at the draft, which is both embarassing and depressing for me. But I digress.
Tonight we went to a brewery for dinner, which was pretty good. I had some good beers and ate some great appetizers (along with a decent meal). We then went to our old underage hangout for some after dinner drinks. I chose this place basically as a goof. I didn't expect to see anyone who was over 21, much less anyone we knew. But when we walked in, lo and behold, there were 2 guys from our high school class in there. Pretty sad, but I can't discount the fact that they could have been there as a goof as well.
We walked past the first guy, who was sitting down (I thought I recognized him, but was not really sure so I wasn't going to go up to him. Plus, I wasn't really that close to him, so we would probably just have one of those awkward conversations where I have to say I'm unemployed. No thank you.) The second guy was over by the dart boards and recognized my friend Lupus. (His name isn't really Lupus, but for the purposes of this story it is). They start talking and the high school guy (Tom), clearly doeasn't recognize me by sight. Thats fine. I'm at least 20 lbs less than what I weighed in high school and I was never really friends with him.
So Tom asks what we are doing there and Lupus says, "Its Catheter Man's birthday" and points to me. At this point, I extend my hand, as is the custom in America, to shake Tom's hand and formally say hi to him. I'm not sure what I expected (I'm sure not much), but what I got was, "Hi, I'm Tom." The ultimate put down. Elie Wiesel once said that the opposite of love is not hate, its indifference. I just got an indifference sandwich on rye with mustard. Lupus then told him that we went to high school together and he just then seemed to realize who I was. I then reminded him that we played on the same high school football team just to make sure that it was as uncomfotable for him as possible before I sat down with the rest of our group.
Some people may have been offended or shocked by what had just transpired, but not me. I have come to expect such meetings on the regular. I bet I would make a great covert operative for the CIA (and I would do it too, if I knew more foreign language than just how to say "beer, please" in Spanish) because I am so forgettable. Its a fact. In addition to tonight, four other incidents stick out in my mind.
The most recent was when my girlfriend joined a book club. One of the girls in the club went to college with me. I wasn't good friends with her (or even really friends at all) but we traveled in the same circles and probably met each other about 10 times and were in the same place about 600 times, so I naturally knew who she was and her name (I won't say her first name because its too unusual, but her last name is similar to Fuckface... ok not that similar, but thats what I call her now).
So my girlfriend tells me all the people in the book club, including her friend (who I went to college with also), another girl (who I went to camp with [and incidentally, probably didn't remember me either]), camp girl's sister in law, and Fuckface. I'm like, "Oh, I remember Fuckface. I think I have a picture with her from Halloween one year in college." The next time Fuckface shows up at book club, girlfriend asks if she remembers me and Fuckface has the audacity to say no (I will give her credit for being honest, though.)
Here's the thing. I'm sure I forget a lot of people's names. Hell, if I just met you, there is a good chance I won't remember your name 5 minutes later. But if I see you for the better part of 4 years and I know your name, you should fucking at least remember my name. It just pisses me right off.
My problem with being forgettable has played a part in my working experience as well. Some of you may be shocked to hear this, but I actually was once employed by a real company (albeit one that made me start out working the night shift, part-time [but regularly working 40+ hours a week], sharing a phone line with at least 3 other people, and with no benefits). This company did the television production for a sports league. Well, after all of the other recent hires had been promoted (including a few who began working after me), I marched right into my manager's office and demanded to know the reason for this travesty. Instead of coming up with some kind of B.S. Lumberg argument as to why I, out of everyone, did not deserve to be promoted, he just told me I would be working as a Production Assistant for another department.
The department I worked in included 2 people at the top who never did anything (as far as I could tell). One time during the first two days of the NCAA basketball tournament one of the VP-types saw a bunch of us watching the end of one of the games in a room and curtly barked, "Get back to work!" Once he was out of sight, I turned to one of my friends and commented, "That's the first thing he's ever said to me." I had probably been working there about 2 years. Next was my manager, who got all the requests from clients and doled them out to us. And then there was Melissa. I still have no idea what her job was, other than to kiss SERIOUS ass all the time. She must have been training to be a VP.
I had been working for that department for probably 2 or 3 months when something cool came up in New York. There was going to be a fashion show with celebrities in attendance. My new manager picked his usual favorites to work at the fashion show and the rest of us would have to stay back in Jersey and do our normal work (and probably the work of those who were at the fashion show). Well, the day of the show comes and it turns out that they need more help in NY, so those of us who were the "second choice" of our manager got to take the van into NY to the main office to help set up the event.
When we arrived at the main office in New York, none of us were very sure where to go. One of my friends from college worked in that office, so I was leading the pack around with my vague idea of where things were in this office. I went past one door and made eye contact with Melissa. Since I was never told where to actually go, I gave he the old head nod and proceeded to look around for people who looked like they were setting up for a fashion show. Just as I passed the door, I hear Melissa's shrill voice bouncing off the doorway, "P.A.! P.A.! P.A.!" By this point in my tenure, I was still pissed about how the company had been treating me (amongst others). I was still not full time, I shared a desk in a hallway, and I still didn't have any benefits. Melissa calling for me like a dog was about all I could stand. I went into the office, looked her right in the eye and said, "I have a name."
As the seconds ticked by, it became clear that she really didn't know my name and since she was in the presence of some superior who she was trying to kiss up to in the NY office, she could not admit it. I think the superior finally bailed ber out and asked me and the other PAs (who were both stunned and tickled to death by my comment) to do something. The rest of the night went off well and was highlighted by me finding out that I'm taller than Ice Cube and then smelling Carmen Electra's panties.
The "I have a name" story got around the office so quickly that Melissa was forced to apologize to me and the other PAs and even gave us a peace offering of three boxes of cards.
While reading another blog, in which the post was describing the habits of a lazy law school student, I was reminded of another instance of my supreme forgettability.
In law school these days, most classes are not like your father's law school class, with the Professor cold calling students, who are then lead down a confusing, boring, often humiliating line of questioning in order to determine if you know the material, can think like a lawyer, and can read the professor's mind. No, these days, the Socratic Method is but a wisp of the torture device it once was. In my school, the standard procedure was to assign a group of students to be "on call" for each class period, thus virtually guarnanteeing that at least that group of students had read the material and were prepared to answer questions about it in front of the class. Of course, sometimes even students who were on call didn't read and this would reflect poorly on them and maybe even get taken out of their dreaded class participation portion of their grade.
By the way, let me just take this opportunity to voice my opinion on what a load of shit class participation is. Sure, we want all the students to participate in class, but people learn differently. I, for instance, learn a lot more from listening to students questions, trying to answer them in my head, and then see if the professor agrees with me. Some students learn better by reading. Some learn by asking 30 questions a day in class. What I am trying to convey is that class participation rewards those students who would speak in class even if they did not have to, and punishes those of us who don't want to speak in class for whatever reason. Furthermore, it creates incentive to be a "gunner." You know the type, those who raise their hand at every opportunity, talk because they love to hear their own voice, and go up to the professor after class to get face time. These people are wasting everyone's time because as soon as they start talking, people just zone out. That situation doesn't help anyone. Plus, the idiot who is wasting everyone's time ostensibly gets rewarded for this behavior.
Back to my forgettability story. I believe the class was Evidence or Criminal Procedure or something of that nature. I also think that it was the second semester of my second year. Even though I am definitely the type of student that sits in the back row of every class, in law school, I made the effort to sit near the front because 1) my eyesight has progressively gotten worse with each year of trying to read the tiny print in the textbooks, and 2) I didn't want to give professors any other reason to hate me for no reason. So I have a seat in about the 3rd row on the professor's right side. I also make it a point to not miss class if I can help it because I get much more out of class than reading a bunch of cases without applying them in hypothetical situations.
A month or so into the term, my little area of the room is on call. As the professor begins calling on people around me and knocking them off like those lead milk bottles at a state fair, the time is inevitably drawing close to my turn. Usually, there is one case in each assignment that just sucks and that case is always the one I wind up with. Always. So we get to that case and the professor is looking around and I feel her eyes bearing down on me.
Expecting to hear my name and some stupid question or joke about the case, the professor looks me dead in the eye with a confused look on her face and says, "Are you in this class?" Not only was I in the class. I had not missed it once. I felt like she was trying to make some sort of joke at my expense, implying that I always skipped it (again, you can see that professors tend to hate me for no reason). Granted, the class had about 100 people in it, but I was in the front section, third row. She should at least recognize my face. This made me seethe with anger. So I figured that if she doesn't know I'm in the class, then I don't have to be on call. I cleared my throat and proudly said, "I'm a visiting student." Most of the class broke out laughing at this because a lot of them knew me and those that didn't at least recognized that I did, in fact, go to the school and was enrolled in that class.
After the laughter died down a little, I figured I'd had my fun and thought she realized her mistake so I said, "No, I'll do it [meaning the case]." Well, she apparently either didn't realize her mistake or was so proud that she could not admit that she was wrong, that she just called on another person as if I really was a visiting student. After class, some of my law school friends in that class could not believe that I 1) actually tried that, and 2) pulled it off without a hitch. I was pretty amused and impressed with myself as well. A lot of these law school professors need to be taken down a few pegs, trust me.
A couple of weeks later, with me still sitting in the same seat and showing up for class every day, the professor finally realized that I was part of the class. In the middle of class, she basically stopped everything to try and embarrass me. She said something along the lines of, "[Catheter Man], didn't I ask if you were in this class?" I said, "Yes. I was joking." She responded, "[Catheter Man] You are in this class?" Yes. "[Catheter Man], I am pronouncing that correctly, right?" Pronounce it however you want. I don't really care. "No. No. No. I want to get it right. [Catheter Man]." Basically, she just wanted to call me out in front of the whole class and let them know that she wasn't going to get played like that. Luckily for me, I had been doing the reading and headed off her little sabotage at the pass.
This is just another example of how forgettable I am. I think I was completely justified in what I did.
The first time I encountered my forgettability problem was in high school. There was this girl in middle school who had asked another girl to ask me out in the library one time. Sounds strange? Well this is the conversation as I remember it. Friend: "Catheter Man, M likes you, but she already has a boyfriend. She wants to go out with you for this period." Me: "Um, ok." Me: proceed to sit at the study carrel in the library like a deer in the headlights, thouroughly confused for the next 40 minutes. M (girl who "liked me"): nowhere to be found. Of course, I had no idea what just happened during that incident, but that did not stop me from being proud of the fact that I had apparently "gone out" with a girl, even though I hadn't been anywhere with her, or talked to her, or even made eye contact with her.
But that wasn't the humiliating part. Once we got to high school, we were in some of the same classes. Yes, the Honors world is a small one (fuck you, I am smart). In some class, the teacher made people go through the whole class and say everyone's name as part of a first day activity (weren't those the best, when you completely wasted the first day of every class?)
So M, the girl who supposedly liked me a year or two earlier, went through the whole class without a hitch and when she got to me she paused for a second or two. Of course I thought this was kind of strange, since we had been going to school together for at least 4 years by now (possibly 7, depending on which year it was), but I wasn't worried. Hell, she liked me, she would know my name. More dead air. Now I'm confused. Is this some sort of sick joke? After what seemed like an eternity, she finally spoke up and said, "I'm sorry, I don't remember your name." I'm not sure which was worse, the fact that this bitch could not remember my name or the fact that she knew everyone else's name in the class except mine. Either way, the message was loud and clear: I am completely forgettable.
This is why I kind of want to go to my high school reunion this year. I think I may be able to walk through there without being recognized by more than 5 people. I want to make fun of the bald and fat people as well as those who are trying to relive their high school glory days, but at the same time I don't want to have to talk to the people who might recognize me. Pretty much anyone who I would want to hang out with from high school, I already do, so I have no use for those assholes I wanted to get away from 10 years ago anyway.
What the fuck was I talking about?
The worst thing about always being nearly broke at the end of August is the looming fantasy football fees that are always right around the corner. I am one of those rare people that feels bad when I owe someone money and I always get it back to them, without exception, the next time I see them. Being unemployable has lead to me not being able to pay for my fantasy teams at the draft, which is both embarassing and depressing for me. But I digress.
Tonight we went to a brewery for dinner, which was pretty good. I had some good beers and ate some great appetizers (along with a decent meal). We then went to our old underage hangout for some after dinner drinks. I chose this place basically as a goof. I didn't expect to see anyone who was over 21, much less anyone we knew. But when we walked in, lo and behold, there were 2 guys from our high school class in there. Pretty sad, but I can't discount the fact that they could have been there as a goof as well.
We walked past the first guy, who was sitting down (I thought I recognized him, but was not really sure so I wasn't going to go up to him. Plus, I wasn't really that close to him, so we would probably just have one of those awkward conversations where I have to say I'm unemployed. No thank you.) The second guy was over by the dart boards and recognized my friend Lupus. (His name isn't really Lupus, but for the purposes of this story it is). They start talking and the high school guy (Tom), clearly doeasn't recognize me by sight. Thats fine. I'm at least 20 lbs less than what I weighed in high school and I was never really friends with him.
So Tom asks what we are doing there and Lupus says, "Its Catheter Man's birthday" and points to me. At this point, I extend my hand, as is the custom in America, to shake Tom's hand and formally say hi to him. I'm not sure what I expected (I'm sure not much), but what I got was, "Hi, I'm Tom." The ultimate put down. Elie Wiesel once said that the opposite of love is not hate, its indifference. I just got an indifference sandwich on rye with mustard. Lupus then told him that we went to high school together and he just then seemed to realize who I was. I then reminded him that we played on the same high school football team just to make sure that it was as uncomfotable for him as possible before I sat down with the rest of our group.
Some people may have been offended or shocked by what had just transpired, but not me. I have come to expect such meetings on the regular. I bet I would make a great covert operative for the CIA (and I would do it too, if I knew more foreign language than just how to say "beer, please" in Spanish) because I am so forgettable. Its a fact. In addition to tonight, four other incidents stick out in my mind.
The most recent was when my girlfriend joined a book club. One of the girls in the club went to college with me. I wasn't good friends with her (or even really friends at all) but we traveled in the same circles and probably met each other about 10 times and were in the same place about 600 times, so I naturally knew who she was and her name (I won't say her first name because its too unusual, but her last name is similar to Fuckface... ok not that similar, but thats what I call her now).
So my girlfriend tells me all the people in the book club, including her friend (who I went to college with also), another girl (who I went to camp with [and incidentally, probably didn't remember me either]), camp girl's sister in law, and Fuckface. I'm like, "Oh, I remember Fuckface. I think I have a picture with her from Halloween one year in college." The next time Fuckface shows up at book club, girlfriend asks if she remembers me and Fuckface has the audacity to say no (I will give her credit for being honest, though.)
Here's the thing. I'm sure I forget a lot of people's names. Hell, if I just met you, there is a good chance I won't remember your name 5 minutes later. But if I see you for the better part of 4 years and I know your name, you should fucking at least remember my name. It just pisses me right off.
My problem with being forgettable has played a part in my working experience as well. Some of you may be shocked to hear this, but I actually was once employed by a real company (albeit one that made me start out working the night shift, part-time [but regularly working 40+ hours a week], sharing a phone line with at least 3 other people, and with no benefits). This company did the television production for a sports league. Well, after all of the other recent hires had been promoted (including a few who began working after me), I marched right into my manager's office and demanded to know the reason for this travesty. Instead of coming up with some kind of B.S. Lumberg argument as to why I, out of everyone, did not deserve to be promoted, he just told me I would be working as a Production Assistant for another department.
The department I worked in included 2 people at the top who never did anything (as far as I could tell). One time during the first two days of the NCAA basketball tournament one of the VP-types saw a bunch of us watching the end of one of the games in a room and curtly barked, "Get back to work!" Once he was out of sight, I turned to one of my friends and commented, "That's the first thing he's ever said to me." I had probably been working there about 2 years. Next was my manager, who got all the requests from clients and doled them out to us. And then there was Melissa. I still have no idea what her job was, other than to kiss SERIOUS ass all the time. She must have been training to be a VP.
I had been working for that department for probably 2 or 3 months when something cool came up in New York. There was going to be a fashion show with celebrities in attendance. My new manager picked his usual favorites to work at the fashion show and the rest of us would have to stay back in Jersey and do our normal work (and probably the work of those who were at the fashion show). Well, the day of the show comes and it turns out that they need more help in NY, so those of us who were the "second choice" of our manager got to take the van into NY to the main office to help set up the event.
When we arrived at the main office in New York, none of us were very sure where to go. One of my friends from college worked in that office, so I was leading the pack around with my vague idea of where things were in this office. I went past one door and made eye contact with Melissa. Since I was never told where to actually go, I gave he the old head nod and proceeded to look around for people who looked like they were setting up for a fashion show. Just as I passed the door, I hear Melissa's shrill voice bouncing off the doorway, "P.A.! P.A.! P.A.!" By this point in my tenure, I was still pissed about how the company had been treating me (amongst others). I was still not full time, I shared a desk in a hallway, and I still didn't have any benefits. Melissa calling for me like a dog was about all I could stand. I went into the office, looked her right in the eye and said, "I have a name."
As the seconds ticked by, it became clear that she really didn't know my name and since she was in the presence of some superior who she was trying to kiss up to in the NY office, she could not admit it. I think the superior finally bailed ber out and asked me and the other PAs (who were both stunned and tickled to death by my comment) to do something. The rest of the night went off well and was highlighted by me finding out that I'm taller than Ice Cube and then smelling Carmen Electra's panties.
The "I have a name" story got around the office so quickly that Melissa was forced to apologize to me and the other PAs and even gave us a peace offering of three boxes of cards.
While reading another blog, in which the post was describing the habits of a lazy law school student, I was reminded of another instance of my supreme forgettability.
In law school these days, most classes are not like your father's law school class, with the Professor cold calling students, who are then lead down a confusing, boring, often humiliating line of questioning in order to determine if you know the material, can think like a lawyer, and can read the professor's mind. No, these days, the Socratic Method is but a wisp of the torture device it once was. In my school, the standard procedure was to assign a group of students to be "on call" for each class period, thus virtually guarnanteeing that at least that group of students had read the material and were prepared to answer questions about it in front of the class. Of course, sometimes even students who were on call didn't read and this would reflect poorly on them and maybe even get taken out of their dreaded class participation portion of their grade.
By the way, let me just take this opportunity to voice my opinion on what a load of shit class participation is. Sure, we want all the students to participate in class, but people learn differently. I, for instance, learn a lot more from listening to students questions, trying to answer them in my head, and then see if the professor agrees with me. Some students learn better by reading. Some learn by asking 30 questions a day in class. What I am trying to convey is that class participation rewards those students who would speak in class even if they did not have to, and punishes those of us who don't want to speak in class for whatever reason. Furthermore, it creates incentive to be a "gunner." You know the type, those who raise their hand at every opportunity, talk because they love to hear their own voice, and go up to the professor after class to get face time. These people are wasting everyone's time because as soon as they start talking, people just zone out. That situation doesn't help anyone. Plus, the idiot who is wasting everyone's time ostensibly gets rewarded for this behavior.
Back to my forgettability story. I believe the class was Evidence or Criminal Procedure or something of that nature. I also think that it was the second semester of my second year. Even though I am definitely the type of student that sits in the back row of every class, in law school, I made the effort to sit near the front because 1) my eyesight has progressively gotten worse with each year of trying to read the tiny print in the textbooks, and 2) I didn't want to give professors any other reason to hate me for no reason. So I have a seat in about the 3rd row on the professor's right side. I also make it a point to not miss class if I can help it because I get much more out of class than reading a bunch of cases without applying them in hypothetical situations.
A month or so into the term, my little area of the room is on call. As the professor begins calling on people around me and knocking them off like those lead milk bottles at a state fair, the time is inevitably drawing close to my turn. Usually, there is one case in each assignment that just sucks and that case is always the one I wind up with. Always. So we get to that case and the professor is looking around and I feel her eyes bearing down on me.
Expecting to hear my name and some stupid question or joke about the case, the professor looks me dead in the eye with a confused look on her face and says, "Are you in this class?" Not only was I in the class. I had not missed it once. I felt like she was trying to make some sort of joke at my expense, implying that I always skipped it (again, you can see that professors tend to hate me for no reason). Granted, the class had about 100 people in it, but I was in the front section, third row. She should at least recognize my face. This made me seethe with anger. So I figured that if she doesn't know I'm in the class, then I don't have to be on call. I cleared my throat and proudly said, "I'm a visiting student." Most of the class broke out laughing at this because a lot of them knew me and those that didn't at least recognized that I did, in fact, go to the school and was enrolled in that class.
After the laughter died down a little, I figured I'd had my fun and thought she realized her mistake so I said, "No, I'll do it [meaning the case]." Well, she apparently either didn't realize her mistake or was so proud that she could not admit that she was wrong, that she just called on another person as if I really was a visiting student. After class, some of my law school friends in that class could not believe that I 1) actually tried that, and 2) pulled it off without a hitch. I was pretty amused and impressed with myself as well. A lot of these law school professors need to be taken down a few pegs, trust me.
A couple of weeks later, with me still sitting in the same seat and showing up for class every day, the professor finally realized that I was part of the class. In the middle of class, she basically stopped everything to try and embarrass me. She said something along the lines of, "[Catheter Man], didn't I ask if you were in this class?" I said, "Yes. I was joking." She responded, "[Catheter Man] You are in this class?" Yes. "[Catheter Man], I am pronouncing that correctly, right?" Pronounce it however you want. I don't really care. "No. No. No. I want to get it right. [Catheter Man]." Basically, she just wanted to call me out in front of the whole class and let them know that she wasn't going to get played like that. Luckily for me, I had been doing the reading and headed off her little sabotage at the pass.
This is just another example of how forgettable I am. I think I was completely justified in what I did.
The first time I encountered my forgettability problem was in high school. There was this girl in middle school who had asked another girl to ask me out in the library one time. Sounds strange? Well this is the conversation as I remember it. Friend: "Catheter Man, M likes you, but she already has a boyfriend. She wants to go out with you for this period." Me: "Um, ok." Me: proceed to sit at the study carrel in the library like a deer in the headlights, thouroughly confused for the next 40 minutes. M (girl who "liked me"): nowhere to be found. Of course, I had no idea what just happened during that incident, but that did not stop me from being proud of the fact that I had apparently "gone out" with a girl, even though I hadn't been anywhere with her, or talked to her, or even made eye contact with her.
But that wasn't the humiliating part. Once we got to high school, we were in some of the same classes. Yes, the Honors world is a small one (fuck you, I am smart). In some class, the teacher made people go through the whole class and say everyone's name as part of a first day activity (weren't those the best, when you completely wasted the first day of every class?)
So M, the girl who supposedly liked me a year or two earlier, went through the whole class without a hitch and when she got to me she paused for a second or two. Of course I thought this was kind of strange, since we had been going to school together for at least 4 years by now (possibly 7, depending on which year it was), but I wasn't worried. Hell, she liked me, she would know my name. More dead air. Now I'm confused. Is this some sort of sick joke? After what seemed like an eternity, she finally spoke up and said, "I'm sorry, I don't remember your name." I'm not sure which was worse, the fact that this bitch could not remember my name or the fact that she knew everyone else's name in the class except mine. Either way, the message was loud and clear: I am completely forgettable.
This is why I kind of want to go to my high school reunion this year. I think I may be able to walk through there without being recognized by more than 5 people. I want to make fun of the bald and fat people as well as those who are trying to relive their high school glory days, but at the same time I don't want to have to talk to the people who might recognize me. Pretty much anyone who I would want to hang out with from high school, I already do, so I have no use for those assholes I wanted to get away from 10 years ago anyway.
What the fuck was I talking about?
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