Tuesday, March 28, 2006

The gods must be crazy

I've moved sideways/down in the world. Now I am pretty much a glorified receptionist at my (temp) job. Although I also process TPS reports and other data-entry related tasks, I also have to answer the phone and sit in the gimpy half-cubicle, where anyone can see my computer screen and/or anything else I'm doing or not doing. To put it plainly, it sucks. But I really don't have much of a choice right now, so I have to take my little moments of enjoyment when I can get them.

One such moment happened today. As I have said before, I work in what could be described as the charitable fringe of society (if I were being paid by the company and not the temp agency, I would truly be a charity case). As such, I am treated to ridiculous conversations, creepy Xerox technicians, and every once in a while, absolutely surreal sights.

As I was minding my own business at my crapicle, some woman/man, standing about 6'4", with blonde highlights at the tips of her/his shoulder length hair walked in and asked if someone's office was in our department. It was only then that I realized that he/she was missing at least one of his/her front teeth. Imagine Leon Spinks crossed with Wanda from In Living Color.It might have been the ugliest woman of all time or the most delusional pre or post-op transsexual ever. Either way, I could barely believe my eyes. What sucked was that I don't even have anyone to share my giddiness about Wanda Spinks with because I am the only "normal" person in my department. However, just as he/she was safely out of range, the hilarious guy who sits across from me leans back in his chair and says, "That's a big girl."

Monday, March 27, 2006

Don't Fuck with de Catheter

I am coming up to New York this week and Mulgrew is scared shitless. Or, to be more precise, he's so scared of the wrath of the Catheter that he's shitting blood. If you don't believe me, check out his latest post. You can find his blog in my links section, under the title: "No Talent Ass Clown."

Mulgrew, I'm in your head (and intestines).

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

I am a con sarn genius

I watched the first half of Sunday's Sopranos last night and was nearly blown away by my own brilliance. I really had no clue that the first part of the episode dealt with Tony's dream/altered consciousness/heaven where he is basically thinking about his new identity as Kevin Finnerty, an Arizona businessman with Altzheimer's. I am so close to being Employee of the Month.

Monday, March 20, 2006

An Uninformed Theory

I gave up the Sopranos about 5 years ago. You know, last season. The reason I did this was not because of any particular hatred for the show or the characters or even the extra money that I had to pay RCN for the privilege of getting HBO. Simply put, the show bored me. Nothing ever happened. It was like taking a girl out for a nice dinner and drinks every week and you didn't even get a half-hearted hand job at the end of the night. I had no choice but to cut the Sopranos off.

Why do I mention this? Well, since this is the last season, I have been giving the show a final chance in the hopes that it gets really good. Unfortunately, since my allegiance is to Family Guy, I end up missing the first half of the show every week. And forget about trying to catch a repeat of the show or even Tivoing it. That's just too much effort. All of this is just a round about preface to the point of this post.

I have a theory!

Now, as you probably know, I am not qualified to do anything, much less offer conjecture on a show I haven't watched for years and which I've only seen half of each episode this season, but bear with me. My theory is about how the Sopranos is going to end. And if I get this right, you all must crown me "Employee of the Month" and send me $12.50.

Ok, so Tony will wake up from his coma (assuming he's in a coma -- remember I've only seen half of each one) and he will have amnesia. There might be some sort of big trial against either Uncle Junior or Tony in which it will become clear that neither of them are playing with a full deck. Junior gets off and/or eventually dies and Tony goes back home while the rest of the gang try and figure out who the new boss is. The crew decides that Tony really is out of his gourd and he seems to genuinely have amnesia. The mob, of course, goes on without him. Without a job or any recognition of his current surroundings, Tony and Carmela decide to move somewhere (I'm guessing Arizona or somewhere else warm)the final shot is Tony driving down the Jersey Turnpike, like in the opening credits with a little smile on his face. If its done correctly, nobody will know if he really had amnesia or just used the accident as a chance to get out of the game.

Sounds like a pretty good theory, right?

In a semi-related note, girlfriend always makes me watch Grey's Anatomy on Sunday nights as well. As I was watching the obviously "diverse" cast, it dawned upon me: How do all of these doctor shows manage to find the .000001% of hospitals with no Jewish doctors? Its uncanny.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Sportin' Waves

Girlfriend and I went to Target for our near-monthly supply run and I wanted to restock my supply of hair jelly. I am a big fan of Citre-Shine pomade because, as you know, I am drawn to citrusy things like Pam Anderson is drawn to disease-ridden men. Of course, Target does not carry Citre Shine for some unknown reason. In fact, they really were lacking in almost all suitably-strong pomades (save for the Crew kind and I'm not buying that out of principle because its $15).

So I was presented with a dilemma. I have no hair jelly and I need to get something so I don't look like I'm homeless at work tomorrow. I went into the realm of which we do not dare venture. The black hair products aisle. Amid the sea of relaxers and hair mayonnaises (I'm serious), I found my salvation: Sportin' Waves. It is exactly the strength of pomade I need for my stubborn widow's peak. Plus, as an added bonus, its like $2 and comes in a cool-looking tin.

In the grand tradition of white people stealing black people's ideas, I would like to announce that I have safely landed on black hair planet. Its one small step for white man. One giant leap for white man kind.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Washington Redskins: Offseason Champs Again

If Dan Snyder is good at one thing, its hype. Nothing creates loftier expectations than going out and buying up all the high profile free agents on the market. Usually, this type of move completely backfires and the team ends up watching the playoffs from the comfort of their own recliners. But without getting into that too much, the moves made by the Skins in the last few days have tipped me off to a few different things. I'll explain.

1) Letting Arrington leave
: I believe Arrington is a great talent. He is as athletically gifted as they come and I will always hold a special place in my heart for the guy who ended Troy Aikman's career. I think the reason why the Skins let him go is two fold.
First, he doesn't know how to play his position. He's probably the type of guy who because of his athletic superiority at every level, could rely on his speed and instincts to compensate for being out of position a lot of the time. Due to this, he probably never bothered to learn where he needs to be on every play. And linebacker is a position where you need to know your on-field positioning so well, it should almost be second nature. After five different defensive coordinators in five years, Lavar probably stopped trying to learn.
Secondly, I think that his injury two years ago significantly effected his speed and/or lateral movement. He is no longer able to compensate for being out of position. Once the Redskins saw this, they decided that they would rather have someone else on the field. While they might not be as talented as Lavar, at least they would be in the right position. Arrington became a liability in the defense most of the time and that is the reason for the lack of playing time last season. When it became clear that he was either unwilling or unable to learn the system this year, he punched his own ticket out of town. That being said, I have no doubt that he could be a Pro Bowler again in the right system.

2) Randle el and Lloyd
: The addition of two more small WRs tips the Skins hand in that they will not be taking a WR with their first (second round) pick in the draft. This is fine with me because I doubt they would be able to get a quality immediate starter at that position in the second round.
I also believe this means that the Skins will continue to use the TEs and H-backs more often in the passing game. Cooley should continue his path to becoming one of the most productive TEs in the league and Fauria will finally give the Skins another viable receiver from that position.
Admittedly, the Skins probably spent too much on Randle el, but in addition to being a decent #2 WR, he gives them the kick and punt return threat they have been missing since Brian Mitchell left and he allows them to run those gadget plays that Pittsburgh was so fond of.

3) Archuleta
: I like Archuleta, but this could be a move that means Sean Taylor could be spending more time tossing salads than catching interceptions next season. That kind of scares me. On the other hand, if the Skins' safties are Archuleta and Taylor, they will be nasty against the run and no WR is going to want to go over the middle with those two tanks lurking there.

4) Carter: The Skins getting Andre Carter is like asking a starving man if he wants a McDonalds Filet-o-Fish. When compared with the rest of the menu, it might not be the best choice, but when you're starving, it probably tastes like the best thing you've ever eaten.
Anyone who knows me knows that my biggest problem with the Skins is their stubborn refusal to upgrade the defensive end position for the better part of a decade. Athough Carter didn't play all that well for SF over the past couple of years, he was also on the league's worst defense over those years.
I'm hoping the Skins got Andre Carter: the former first rounder with a new lease on life and a burning desire to prove to everyone why he was chosen in the first round of the draft. Whatever he brings to the table, it will be better than anything the Skins have had in the recent past.
This move probably also signifies that the Skins will not be taking a DE with their first pick in the draft, which pisses me off to no end. But, they also need a cornerback pretty badly, and some depth at offensive line (they had Ray Brown, a freaking senior citizen, playing last year). So there are some more pressing needs at the moment. Regardless, I'm just thankful that the Skins finally addressed their worst position of the last 15 years (even if he is a little light in the ass).

5) The Sum Total of the moves: Despite what some people may think, as well as plenty of evidence to the contrary, I believe that Dan Snyder does actually learn from his mistakes. The off season spending sprees of 2003 and 2000 netted absolutey nothing. So why would he do it again? I believe that this is Joe Gibbs' last season. Although he signed for longer, I don't think anyone expects the old man to stay on much longer. That is why the Skins were able to keep Greg Williams for another season when he could have been a head coach in any number of other places. It is also the reason the Skins now have an Assistant Head Coach -- Offense. Snyder is pulling out all the stops in one last-ditch attempt to win one for the Gibber.

Monday, March 13, 2006

The first job offer I've had in months

There was something in the air today in DC. Maybe the fact that it was about 80 degrees brought a little pep to everyone's morning. I have no idea. Regardless, as I was walking from the Metro to work this morning, I passed two workers who were presumably installing a Sub Zero refrigerator in someone's newly-remodeled kitchen. The guys looked like your typical contractor types and since one of them had some sort of tape stuck to his hand, which he was waving about, I naturally looked their way as I was walking. That lead to this exchange:

scraggly-looking contractor guy: "Hey, you want to help us?"
Me: "How much do you pay?"
Contractor: "The minimum."
Me: "No thanks."
Contractor: "You should ditch college and come work with us."(I guess I still look young enough to go to college)
Me: "That's ok." (by this point, I am a good 25 feet past them)
Contractor: "Hey!"
Me: Walking, looking ahead
Contractor: "Hey!"
Me: Turning around
Contractor: "This is what the ladies want!" (He then proceeded to pull up his dusty flannel shirt to reveal his redneck/middle-aged guy "six pack" along with various faded blue-green tattoos).
Me: Chuckling, yet briskly walking further away before he shows me anything else.

All I can say about this incident is, that contractor knows talent when he sees it. I would have hauled the shit out of that refrigerator.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Mulgrew fires back

Well, I haven't heard from Jason Mulgrew since I declared 90's style rap feud on that bama, but today I saw what I can only assume is his lame-ass attempt at retaliation. If you check here, you will see that Mr. Mulgrew is jocking my steez. His Sherman Klump ass even copied me by posting about Jury Duty. Who knows if he even went to jury duty, but sure as shit, two days after I had a post about jury duty, here comes Poppin' Fresh claiming my city, but bitch, you ain't from Compton!

Tugboat even had the audacity to call himself "Larry Awesome." If I'm not mistaken, I believe I came up with your new nickname Hollywood Montrose. Doesn't it just sing? I have another question for you. Did what's his name get at you? Who? Deeeeeeez nuuuuuuuuts!

But seriously, did you actually think you could bite my jury duty post and nobody would notice? Your Morning Zoo ass doesn't even have the skills to throw down with the shit about the priest or the Escalade, so you shouldn't have even tried. And as for that shit about coming from a family of criminals. Shit. Didn't you go to prep school, motherfucker?

Listen up, bitch. I'm coming up to New York this month and if you know what's good for you, you'll stay the fuck out of my way. And if you ever copy my shit again, you best be popping those Xanax like Krispy Kremes. Word is bond.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Jury Duty

No, this post is not about the Pauly Shore movie. It is about the great civic duty I performed today: sitting in a room downtown bored out of my skull. In other words, jury duty.

Some of you may be suprised to learn that I have managed to avoid this task for the past 10 years by constantly living in different states than where my driver's license was issued. On a side note, I also didn't vote until the last election and my vote actually wound up meaning less than if I had voted any other state in the country (not that I live in a state). For whatever reason, my luck ran out this year, when I finally was physically able to go to jury duty for the first time.

I arrived at the court house promptly at 8 am. We had to sign in and get our little Juror badges with our Juror number on it. Once that happened, I went in the appropriate waiting room and waited. At about 9 am, they showed an informational video hosted by local news anchor Renee Poussant and the Chief Judge of the Court. I couldn't help but think that if I were actually on trial (or suing someone) I would not want the jury of my peers to be people who, like me, were half asleep and not really paying attention to this video, which possibly could have been their only real instructions on how to be a juror. The highlight of the video was when they told us that the guy in the robe is the judge. What? No Randy, Paula, and Simon?

After the video, a woman told us that there were two juries that needed to be selected soon and that she'd be back to do that. She also asked if we wanted the tvs in the room on or off. Someone said on. After informing everyone that the tvs only could show the channel they had on, "not HBO or Showtime." She went into the back room and turned them on to PBS. Luckily, I had brought a book. I knew I'd be in for the long haul. What I didn't expect was that the PBS show that they had (I think it was a DVD) was Ken Burns' Baseball. So I had that going for me, which was nice.

I watched Baseball for about an hour when I wanted to go get a drink. We were allowed to go to the snack machines to get food or take a 10 minute break (which, we were informed, was not enough time to go home and come back) to go to the cafeteria. I went with the first option. The sodas were a rip off at $1.50 for a 20 ouncer, but I didn't really feel like going without, so I got a Diet Dr. Pepper because they didn't have Diet Coke (apparently the DC Court system is a Pepsi company).

While I was in the snack machine area, I witnessed something that makes me believe that god (if there is one) has just as sick a sense of humor as I do. A priest got ripped off by the Pepsi machine. Yes, there was a priest reporting for jury duty and we happened to want sodas at the same time. He put his money in the Pepsi machine and pressed whatever soda he wanted. Only then did the machine say that it was out of that product. The priest turns to me and says, "I guess they take your money and then tell you what they don't have." I muttered something and got out of there before he could spot how amused I was at his predicament.

I went back into the waiting room and watched a little more Baseball and read my book. Soon, the woman came back to read off the first list of potential jurors. For those of you not familiar with the voire dire process, they take a bigger pool of people than they actually need and the lawyers choose 12 jurors (and 4 alternates) from that list based on their answers to questions. We were also told that if we are not picked, we should not take it personally. Hilarious. Anyway, she read the first list of names and I was not on it. More waiting.

A little while later, a man came in and repeated the process. The only difference is that this guy was a classic loud-talker. He didn't even need the microphone. I was not on his list either. He actually said that he called 55 people. Was I not even going to get called today? It is the Year of the Man. I couldn't be sure, but I was feeling good about things.

At 10 am, a second group of potential jurors reported to sign-in. Why couldn't I be in the late shift? By about 11, they were all ready and they replayed the informational video. By this time the room was packed and they announced that anyone who had been there since 8 could go out and take a 10 minute break. I decided that I didn't need to see the video again, so I went outside for 10 minutes.

When I came back, my seat had been taken (just when the phlegmy guy next to me whose nose whistled when he breathed had been called for a jury). I sat down in one of the few seats in the snack machine room and did a Sudoku and crossword puzzle. I was really bored. After counting down the minutes until lunch, they let us break at 12:15. Sweet. Freedom! If only for 1 hour.

Since I needed to get away from that building for lunch, I decided against the cafeteria (even if there was a possibility of getting one of those crappy cafeteria style hamburgers. The Verizon (nee MCI) Center is really close to the courthouse, so I walked the few blocks over there and settled on California Tortilla. I don't really like California Tortilla, but it was the only place that wasn't packed to the gills.

When I was walking back to the courthouse, I witnessed the second funniest thing I saw all day. There was a fire truck pulled up to the side of the street and two other official-looking trucks with it. There were also about 10 cops standing around on the sidewalk next to the area. As far as I could tell, there was no fire in the area, so I walked right by the crowd. What I saw was classic. The fire truck had tried to pull over and misjudged the amount of space between it and a parked car. There was a brand new (with the window sticker still in it) white Escalade with its front bumper ripped halfway off, connected to the business end of the fire truck. I can only imagine what the owner of this truck must have thought when he arrived on the scene. As much as I would have love to stay for those fireworks, I had to get back.

Back in the waiting room, I got a different seat. More waiting. More Baseball (they restarted it) and more book. When the woman came back in to announce another list of people, I almost wanted to be picked out of sheer boredom. While she was reading the list, two people's cell phones went off. The woman made some crack about it and went on with her recitation. Then, after she was finished (not picked again!), a woman behind me got a cell phone call and from what I could understand from her half of the conversation was that her kid had hit his teacher. Only in DC, folks. Only in DC.

Finally, at about 2:15, they announced over the loudspeaker that all potential jurors needed to come to the waiting room for an announcement. They told us we could finally leave. So I went to the Jury ATM machine and collected my $4 transportation pay and eventually got out of there. Having accomplished my civic duty of wating in a room all day, I cannot get called for another two years.

So what did I learn today?
1) god hates priests
2) bring your own soda/video ipod/book/PSP to jury duty
3) Satchel Paige won approximately 3000 games. Josh Gibson hit approximately 900 home runs
4) Fire Truck beats Escalade
5) America should probably think twice about this whole "jury of your peers" thing.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Overheard at Work

As fritter away the hours that make up the dull day at work, I get pretty bored. This might be due. in part, to the fact that they don't really have enough work to keep my occupied for 8 full hours and the work that they do give me, I would probably be able to finish in 1/5 of the time if the database was not online and the computers weren't slower than Apple IIe's. In any event, if someone is having a conversation, I like to listen to them because everyone else who works there lives in such a different world from me. Here are some things I've heard.

"Oh my god. U Street was just flooded with lesbians on Saturday."

"I had dried lotion on my face. It looked like something else."

"I think these protein drinks I've been taking are making me weird."

"I only had to wake up to go pee pee once (last night)."

"I'm turning into a bitter, suspicious old queen."

"Its so hard to be a fag sometimes (describing decorating problems)."

"Have you been peeing on each other?"

"Maybe thats why you don't have a Valentine. You should start going commando."

"He's not gay. He's just Canadian."

"Michael Jordan and Phil Collins messed that boy up (talking about Kwame Brown)."

"I was dating a chick that left me for [redacted sports star]. From one fag to another."

"I'm a 40 year-old gay man. How do I know about girly tweens?"

"Palm Springs is like the Rehoboth of LA. All the homos go there on the weekends."

"I met someone, but my heart is with someone else.
Your heart is with Jesus?
Oh well, I tried."

So, as you can see. I am slowly losing my mind at work. But at least I'm laughing all the way to the crazy house.