Someone once said that you'll always remember your first time. That really doesn't have anything to do with this post. I'm going to coin a new phrase: you'll always remember your first car. Mine was a 1981 Pontiac LeMans. I turned 16 in 1993, so the car was already 12 years old when I got it. The same color as the one above. Same rims. Same whitewalls. Same Cabriolet top (its classy, baby). Bench seats in the back and front. She was a lot to handle for a young, cherubic 16 year old such as myself. I probably should have been killed in it an average of three times a week, but somehow I survived my 2 years with the blue bomber. Unfortunately, she was deemed "too dangerous" for my sister to drive once I left for college. When I came home for the summer, she was gone, presumably put down behind the wood shed.
Let me tell you a few things about the 1981 LeMans. First of all, it started at about 40 miles per hour. I'm not sure how or why this happened (or why I never really insisted that it be fixed), but when I turned the ignition, the engine would start and just rev itself up, as if it was chomping at the bit to make the early morning trek to school. I would literally have to stand on the brake pedal to make sure that I didn't rocket down the hill in my neighborhood at 100 miles per hour (it was a steep decline). After a minute or two, the car would calm down and resume normal driving protocol, but trying to keep the reins on that 2 ton beast at 6 in the morning was always a challenge to say the least. I nearly died the one time it snowed an inch and school was actually not cancelled.
The car was kind of quirky. It had 1 fully functional mirror. The driver's side mirror was the only one I could count on at all times. This is why I now have the dangerous habit of basically turning completely around in the driver's seat to see if I can change lanes. There was no passenger side mirror. I don't mean that it fell off or was destroyed in a confrontation with the Asian gang at school. Nope. It was never there. I guess the designers didn't think the car neded one. They were probably in a meeting going, "You know what? They'll never need to merge to the right. Fuck it! No passenger side mirror." So that was safe. There was a rear-view mirror, but it had the odd habit of falling off/working itself off its moorings if I listened to something with too much bass. Again, really safe.
The windows for the back seat did not open. I don't mean that they stopped opening or that they didn't open all the way. They were designed not to open at all. I don't know if you needed to buy a more expensive model to get fully functional windows, but mine didn't come stock. I guess the designers were sitting around thinking, "You know what people who ride in the back seat would never want? A breeze. Fuck it! No functional windows!" Ok, thats not completely true. They did have smoker's windows, which, for those who don't know, are those little triangles that swing out about 15 degrees and are really easy for smokers to ash out of, to be sure. They are also very handy when you don't have your keys on you and need to get into the car because they were just big enough to squeeze your arm through and unlock the door. Again, really safe.
The ceiling of the LeMans was a disaster. It had a dome light in the middle that actually worked, but was filled with bug carcasses. The head liner was basically held up only by the dome light and the seams around the edges of the ceiling, so I had an odd drapery effect going. Another thing that sucked was the factory radio. It was an AM/FM clunker with those huge metal buttons for the programmed stations. I replaced that immediately with a crappy tape deck (seeing as the first one didn't even have 8 track). Then, I hooked it up ghetto style with the Discman/tape adaptor contraption. My Discman was so shitty that I had to balance it on its side so it would skip less. If I listened to a song with too much bass, the speakers would shake and the rear-view mirror would fall off. Sweetness.
By far, the coolest part of the car (other than the fact that I could get 8 of my closest friends in it at once) was where you put the gas in it. In order to fill up the beast, you had to fold down the license plate in the back like James Bond or something and the gas cap was behind that. How sweet is that? You never had to worry if you were on the right side of the pump. It was always the right side! Plus, if someone wanted to put sugar in your gas tank, they would never be able to find that shit.
I have to say, even though it overheated, smelled like mildew, and routinely gave me near-death experiences, the '81 LeMans served me well and made me appreciate a getting a car with complete sets of functional windows and mirrors years later. To this day I have never seen another LeMans since mine. Hell, I can't believe I found that picture on the internet. But I'll always remember my first ride.
