Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Keywords 3

Since I have nothing much else to say today, here are some Ramblings and Keywords.

-- The Redskins are going to be just awful this year. I put the over/under at 4 wins.

-- The old time baseball nicknames were the best. I wish I had a friend named Sparky, don't you?

-- Does anyone else refuse to go to movies anywhere near their opening weekends because they hate people as much as I do?

-- Remember in elementary school when there was like one fat kid per grade (me)? I bet now there's like 15 fat kids per grade.

-- I honestly believe I'm both smart and lazy enough to graduate with a 3.0 average at any college in the country, from Harvard to ITT Tech.

-- If it were possible to slap some sense into the Tivo, mine would be black and blue by now. If I see "Tivo would like to change the channel at 10:00 to record Tivo Suggestion: King of the Hill" one more time, I'm going to drop kick that motherfucker out the window, especially if I'm watching something like 61*.

-- My digestive system is about as fast as Terry Schiavo running the 40, but I swear, once I have a Dairy Queen Blizzard, I start releasing worse gas than Zyklon B. (For those of you who get that reference, it could be my most offensive joke ever).

Keywords recently used to access my site:

Dog in a bathtub
Picture of Deron Williams with girlfriend
Andrea Barber dead rumors
Dancia McKellar
Kimmie Gibler treatment
Braylon Edwards pink shirt
Truth of car crash to Drazen Petrovic
pretend bees drunk car "black sheep" "chris farley"
Raymond Felton's girlfriend
NBA draft jehova witness
Cedric Benson crying
Whale's vagina
I hate you and your weird nipples
Dancia McKellar Nude
Vagina Gaff
Demarcus Ware highlight videos
Worst stunt injury pulled by Bam Margera

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Hi, I'm Tom.

Tonight I had my birthday celebration extravaganza. Since my birthday falls on a weekday this year, I decided to make it tonight based on a number of criteria. I usually don't like to make a big deal out of my birthday because much like New Year's Eve, its always one of those days that is overhyped and overrated. I usually just feel shorter of breath and one day closer to death. But this year I gladly accepted the chance to go out to dinner and drinks, mostly because I am dirt poor right now and could use the break from paying for drinks for a night.

The worst thing about always being nearly broke at the end of August is the looming fantasy football fees that are always right around the corner. I am one of those rare people that feels bad when I owe someone money and I always get it back to them, without exception, the next time I see them. Being unemployable has lead to me not being able to pay for my fantasy teams at the draft, which is both embarassing and depressing for me. But I digress.

Tonight we went to a brewery for dinner, which was pretty good. I had some good beers and ate some great appetizers (along with a decent meal). We then went to our old underage hangout for some after dinner drinks. I chose this place basically as a goof. I didn't expect to see anyone who was over 21, much less anyone we knew. But when we walked in, lo and behold, there were 2 guys from our high school class in there. Pretty sad, but I can't discount the fact that they could have been there as a goof as well.

We walked past the first guy, who was sitting down (I thought I recognized him, but was not really sure so I wasn't going to go up to him. Plus, I wasn't really that close to him, so we would probably just have one of those awkward conversations where I have to say I'm unemployed. No thank you.) The second guy was over by the dart boards and recognized my friend Lupus. (His name isn't really Lupus, but for the purposes of this story it is). They start talking and the high school guy (Tom), clearly doeasn't recognize me by sight. Thats fine. I'm at least 20 lbs less than what I weighed in high school and I was never really friends with him.

So Tom asks what we are doing there and Lupus says, "Its Catheter Man's birthday" and points to me. At this point, I extend my hand, as is the custom in America, to shake Tom's hand and formally say hi to him. I'm not sure what I expected (I'm sure not much), but what I got was, "Hi, I'm Tom." The ultimate put down. Elie Wiesel once said that the opposite of love is not hate, its indifference. I just got an indifference sandwich on rye with mustard. Lupus then told him that we went to high school together and he just then seemed to realize who I was. I then reminded him that we played on the same high school football team just to make sure that it was as uncomfotable for him as possible before I sat down with the rest of our group.

Some people may have been offended or shocked by what had just transpired, but not me. I have come to expect such meetings on the regular. I bet I would make a great covert operative for the CIA (and I would do it too, if I knew more foreign language than just how to say "beer, please" in Spanish) because I am so forgettable. Its a fact. In addition to tonight, four other incidents stick out in my mind.

The most recent was when my girlfriend joined a book club. One of the girls in the club went to college with me. I wasn't good friends with her (or even really friends at all) but we traveled in the same circles and probably met each other about 10 times and were in the same place about 600 times, so I naturally knew who she was and her name (I won't say her first name because its too unusual, but her last name is similar to Fuckface... ok not that similar, but thats what I call her now).

So my girlfriend tells me all the people in the book club, including her friend (who I went to college with also), another girl (who I went to camp with [and incidentally, probably didn't remember me either]), camp girl's sister in law, and Fuckface. I'm like, "Oh, I remember Fuckface. I think I have a picture with her from Halloween one year in college." The next time Fuckface shows up at book club, girlfriend asks if she remembers me and Fuckface has the audacity to say no (I will give her credit for being honest, though.)

Here's the thing. I'm sure I forget a lot of people's names. Hell, if I just met you, there is a good chance I won't remember your name 5 minutes later. But if I see you for the better part of 4 years and I know your name, you should fucking at least remember my name. It just pisses me right off.

My problem with being forgettable has played a part in my working experience as well. Some of you may be shocked to hear this, but I actually was once employed by a real company (albeit one that made me start out working the night shift, part-time [but regularly working 40+ hours a week], sharing a phone line with at least 3 other people, and with no benefits). This company did the television production for a sports league. Well, after all of the other recent hires had been promoted (including a few who began working after me), I marched right into my manager's office and demanded to know the reason for this travesty. Instead of coming up with some kind of B.S. Lumberg argument as to why I, out of everyone, did not deserve to be promoted, he just told me I would be working as a Production Assistant for another department.

The department I worked in included 2 people at the top who never did anything (as far as I could tell). One time during the first two days of the NCAA basketball tournament one of the VP-types saw a bunch of us watching the end of one of the games in a room and curtly barked, "Get back to work!" Once he was out of sight, I turned to one of my friends and commented, "That's the first thing he's ever said to me." I had probably been working there about 2 years. Next was my manager, who got all the requests from clients and doled them out to us. And then there was Melissa. I still have no idea what her job was, other than to kiss SERIOUS ass all the time. She must have been training to be a VP.

I had been working for that department for probably 2 or 3 months when something cool came up in New York. There was going to be a fashion show with celebrities in attendance. My new manager picked his usual favorites to work at the fashion show and the rest of us would have to stay back in Jersey and do our normal work (and probably the work of those who were at the fashion show). Well, the day of the show comes and it turns out that they need more help in NY, so those of us who were the "second choice" of our manager got to take the van into NY to the main office to help set up the event.

When we arrived at the main office in New York, none of us were very sure where to go. One of my friends from college worked in that office, so I was leading the pack around with my vague idea of where things were in this office. I went past one door and made eye contact with Melissa. Since I was never told where to actually go, I gave he the old head nod and proceeded to look around for people who looked like they were setting up for a fashion show. Just as I passed the door, I hear Melissa's shrill voice bouncing off the doorway, "P.A.! P.A.! P.A.!" By this point in my tenure, I was still pissed about how the company had been treating me (amongst others). I was still not full time, I shared a desk in a hallway, and I still didn't have any benefits. Melissa calling for me like a dog was about all I could stand. I went into the office, looked her right in the eye and said, "I have a name."

As the seconds ticked by, it became clear that she really didn't know my name and since she was in the presence of some superior who she was trying to kiss up to in the NY office, she could not admit it. I think the superior finally bailed ber out and asked me and the other PAs (who were both stunned and tickled to death by my comment) to do something. The rest of the night went off well and was highlighted by me finding out that I'm taller than Ice Cube and then smelling Carmen Electra's panties.

The "I have a name" story got around the office so quickly that Melissa was forced to apologize to me and the other PAs and even gave us a peace offering of three boxes of cards.

While reading another blog, in which the post was describing the habits of a lazy law school student, I was reminded of another instance of my supreme forgettability.

In law school these days, most classes are not like your father's law school class, with the Professor cold calling students, who are then lead down a confusing, boring, often humiliating line of questioning in order to determine if you know the material, can think like a lawyer, and can read the professor's mind. No, these days, the Socratic Method is but a wisp of the torture device it once was. In my school, the standard procedure was to assign a group of students to be "on call" for each class period, thus virtually guarnanteeing that at least that group of students had read the material and were prepared to answer questions about it in front of the class. Of course, sometimes even students who were on call didn't read and this would reflect poorly on them and maybe even get taken out of their dreaded class participation portion of their grade.

By the way, let me just take this opportunity to voice my opinion on what a load of shit class participation is. Sure, we want all the students to participate in class, but people learn differently. I, for instance, learn a lot more from listening to students questions, trying to answer them in my head, and then see if the professor agrees with me. Some students learn better by reading. Some learn by asking 30 questions a day in class. What I am trying to convey is that class participation rewards those students who would speak in class even if they did not have to, and punishes those of us who don't want to speak in class for whatever reason. Furthermore, it creates incentive to be a "gunner." You know the type, those who raise their hand at every opportunity, talk because they love to hear their own voice, and go up to the professor after class to get face time. These people are wasting everyone's time because as soon as they start talking, people just zone out. That situation doesn't help anyone. Plus, the idiot who is wasting everyone's time ostensibly gets rewarded for this behavior.

Back to my forgettability story. I believe the class was Evidence or Criminal Procedure or something of that nature. I also think that it was the second semester of my second year. Even though I am definitely the type of student that sits in the back row of every class, in law school, I made the effort to sit near the front because 1) my eyesight has progressively gotten worse with each year of trying to read the tiny print in the textbooks, and 2) I didn't want to give professors any other reason to hate me for no reason. So I have a seat in about the 3rd row on the professor's right side. I also make it a point to not miss class if I can help it because I get much more out of class than reading a bunch of cases without applying them in hypothetical situations.

A month or so into the term, my little area of the room is on call. As the professor begins calling on people around me and knocking them off like those lead milk bottles at a state fair, the time is inevitably drawing close to my turn. Usually, there is one case in each assignment that just sucks and that case is always the one I wind up with. Always. So we get to that case and the professor is looking around and I feel her eyes bearing down on me.

Expecting to hear my name and some stupid question or joke about the case, the professor looks me dead in the eye with a confused look on her face and says, "Are you in this class?" Not only was I in the class. I had not missed it once. I felt like she was trying to make some sort of joke at my expense, implying that I always skipped it (again, you can see that professors tend to hate me for no reason). Granted, the class had about 100 people in it, but I was in the front section, third row. She should at least recognize my face. This made me seethe with anger. So I figured that if she doesn't know I'm in the class, then I don't have to be on call. I cleared my throat and proudly said, "I'm a visiting student." Most of the class broke out laughing at this because a lot of them knew me and those that didn't at least recognized that I did, in fact, go to the school and was enrolled in that class.

After the laughter died down a little, I figured I'd had my fun and thought she realized her mistake so I said, "No, I'll do it [meaning the case]." Well, she apparently either didn't realize her mistake or was so proud that she could not admit that she was wrong, that she just called on another person as if I really was a visiting student. After class, some of my law school friends in that class could not believe that I 1) actually tried that, and 2) pulled it off without a hitch. I was pretty amused and impressed with myself as well. A lot of these law school professors need to be taken down a few pegs, trust me.

A couple of weeks later, with me still sitting in the same seat and showing up for class every day, the professor finally realized that I was part of the class. In the middle of class, she basically stopped everything to try and embarrass me. She said something along the lines of, "[Catheter Man], didn't I ask if you were in this class?" I said, "Yes. I was joking." She responded, "[Catheter Man] You are in this class?" Yes. "[Catheter Man], I am pronouncing that correctly, right?" Pronounce it however you want. I don't really care. "No. No. No. I want to get it right. [Catheter Man]." Basically, she just wanted to call me out in front of the whole class and let them know that she wasn't going to get played like that. Luckily for me, I had been doing the reading and headed off her little sabotage at the pass.

This is just another example of how forgettable I am. I think I was completely justified in what I did.

The first time I encountered my forgettability problem was in high school. There was this girl in middle school who had asked another girl to ask me out in the library one time. Sounds strange? Well this is the conversation as I remember it. Friend: "Catheter Man, M likes you, but she already has a boyfriend. She wants to go out with you for this period." Me: "Um, ok." Me: proceed to sit at the study carrel in the library like a deer in the headlights, thouroughly confused for the next 40 minutes. M (girl who "liked me"): nowhere to be found. Of course, I had no idea what just happened during that incident, but that did not stop me from being proud of the fact that I had apparently "gone out" with a girl, even though I hadn't been anywhere with her, or talked to her, or even made eye contact with her.

But that wasn't the humiliating part. Once we got to high school, we were in some of the same classes. Yes, the Honors world is a small one (fuck you, I am smart). In some class, the teacher made people go through the whole class and say everyone's name as part of a first day activity (weren't those the best, when you completely wasted the first day of every class?)

So M, the girl who supposedly liked me a year or two earlier, went through the whole class without a hitch and when she got to me she paused for a second or two. Of course I thought this was kind of strange, since we had been going to school together for at least 4 years by now (possibly 7, depending on which year it was), but I wasn't worried. Hell, she liked me, she would know my name. More dead air. Now I'm confused. Is this some sort of sick joke? After what seemed like an eternity, she finally spoke up and said, "I'm sorry, I don't remember your name." I'm not sure which was worse, the fact that this bitch could not remember my name or the fact that she knew everyone else's name in the class except mine. Either way, the message was loud and clear: I am completely forgettable.

This is why I kind of want to go to my high school reunion this year. I think I may be able to walk through there without being recognized by more than 5 people. I want to make fun of the bald and fat people as well as those who are trying to relive their high school glory days, but at the same time I don't want to have to talk to the people who might recognize me. Pretty much anyone who I would want to hang out with from high school, I already do, so I have no use for those assholes I wanted to get away from 10 years ago anyway.

What the fuck was I talking about?

Friday, August 26, 2005

Wally World is closed

Sorry folks, I have not felt much like posting over the last couple of days. But I do have some things in the hopper. Stay tuned.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Who says there are no celebrities in DC?

On Friday my friend Ike and I went out to Adams Morgan to check out the new sports bar there. The sports bar we usually went to (by usually, I mean about 2 or 3 times a year) closed down and this one was the closest alternative. When we got there, it was clear that the new sports bar was not going to be very good. Sure, they had flat screens, but there were about 20 people in there and it was already crowded enough to where you couldn't see all the tvs. For fantasy purposes, you need to have a direct sight line to at least 3 or 4 tvs at all times. Plus, there is a severe lack of seating.

Then, without warning, local "celebrity" Matthew Lesko walks in with a woman. The only reason I knew it was him was that he was wearing his stupid question mark suit. Well, you would have thought P. Diddy walked in from the reaction of the crowd. People were going up to talk to him and take pictures with him, which is probably why he wears that joker suit all the time. One guy came up to him and asked "are there government grants for gay physicians?" Lesko said no and the guy was like, "Fucking Bush!" Then he says, "Don't get me wrong, I love bush, just not the White House kind."

After peeing in the woman's bathroom because the guys one was in use and there were about 3 girls in the whole place, I thought there would be no more highlights to the night. However, later on a few deaf girls walked in. And they were hot! Unfortunately, they did not spend too much time in the place, but one of them did brush her ass up against me on the way out, so I got that going for me, which is nice. It just goes to show that you can still have quite an eventful evening even if you go out to a nearly empty sports bar on a Firday night.

Friday, August 19, 2005

My First Ride

Someone once said that you'll always remember your first time. That really doesn't have anything to do with this post. I'm going to coin a new phrase: you'll always remember your first car. Mine was a 1981 Pontiac LeMans. I turned 16 in 1993, so the car was already 12 years old when I got it. The same color as the one above. Same rims. Same whitewalls. Same Cabriolet top (its classy, baby). Bench seats in the back and front. She was a lot to handle for a young, cherubic 16 year old such as myself. I probably should have been killed in it an average of three times a week, but somehow I survived my 2 years with the blue bomber. Unfortunately, she was deemed "too dangerous" for my sister to drive once I left for college. When I came home for the summer, she was gone, presumably put down behind the wood shed.

Let me tell you a few things about the 1981 LeMans. First of all, it started at about 40 miles per hour. I'm not sure how or why this happened (or why I never really insisted that it be fixed), but when I turned the ignition, the engine would start and just rev itself up, as if it was chomping at the bit to make the early morning trek to school. I would literally have to stand on the brake pedal to make sure that I didn't rocket down the hill in my neighborhood at 100 miles per hour (it was a steep decline). After a minute or two, the car would calm down and resume normal driving protocol, but trying to keep the reins on that 2 ton beast at 6 in the morning was always a challenge to say the least. I nearly died the one time it snowed an inch and school was actually not cancelled.

The car was kind of quirky. It had 1 fully functional mirror. The driver's side mirror was the only one I could count on at all times. This is why I now have the dangerous habit of basically turning completely around in the driver's seat to see if I can change lanes. There was no passenger side mirror. I don't mean that it fell off or was destroyed in a confrontation with the Asian gang at school. Nope. It was never there. I guess the designers didn't think the car neded one. They were probably in a meeting going, "You know what? They'll never need to merge to the right. Fuck it! No passenger side mirror." So that was safe. There was a rear-view mirror, but it had the odd habit of falling off/working itself off its moorings if I listened to something with too much bass. Again, really safe.

The windows for the back seat did not open. I don't mean that they stopped opening or that they didn't open all the way. They were designed not to open at all. I don't know if you needed to buy a more expensive model to get fully functional windows, but mine didn't come stock. I guess the designers were sitting around thinking, "You know what people who ride in the back seat would never want? A breeze. Fuck it! No functional windows!" Ok, thats not completely true. They did have smoker's windows, which, for those who don't know, are those little triangles that swing out about 15 degrees and are really easy for smokers to ash out of, to be sure. They are also very handy when you don't have your keys on you and need to get into the car because they were just big enough to squeeze your arm through and unlock the door. Again, really safe.

The ceiling of the LeMans was a disaster. It had a dome light in the middle that actually worked, but was filled with bug carcasses. The head liner was basically held up only by the dome light and the seams around the edges of the ceiling, so I had an odd drapery effect going. Another thing that sucked was the factory radio. It was an AM/FM clunker with those huge metal buttons for the programmed stations. I replaced that immediately with a crappy tape deck (seeing as the first one didn't even have 8 track). Then, I hooked it up ghetto style with the Discman/tape adaptor contraption. My Discman was so shitty that I had to balance it on its side so it would skip less. If I listened to a song with too much bass, the speakers would shake and the rear-view mirror would fall off. Sweetness.

By far, the coolest part of the car (other than the fact that I could get 8 of my closest friends in it at once) was where you put the gas in it. In order to fill up the beast, you had to fold down the license plate in the back like James Bond or something and the gas cap was behind that. How sweet is that? You never had to worry if you were on the right side of the pump. It was always the right side! Plus, if someone wanted to put sugar in your gas tank, they would never be able to find that shit.

I have to say, even though it overheated, smelled like mildew, and routinely gave me near-death experiences, the '81 LeMans served me well and made me appreciate a getting a car with complete sets of functional windows and mirrors years later. To this day I have never seen another LeMans since mine. Hell, I can't believe I found that picture on the internet. But I'll always remember my first ride.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Ramblings and Keywords

Its gotten to the point where I am ridiculously bored most days (except today, when I got to do the offseason in Madden). That's Madden 2004 because my 2005 does not work anymore for some reason, which sucks because it had the ever popular Madden Trivia. Great for pre-gaming. I also heard that Madden 2006 sucks big floppy donkey dick so I might not get it. Who am I kidding, I have to get it. Unfortunately, I have to get a job before that happens because I am dangerously close to tapping into my Bar Mitzvah Bonds (which I have no idea how to cash).

I'm setting the over/under on me getting a job at September 9th. I have a couple things in the hopper right now, but who knows. I am unemployable.

Asking only workman's wages
I come looking for a job
But I get no offers
Just a come-on from the whores on Seventh Avenue
I do declare, there were times when I was so lonesome
I took some comfort there

For those who are counting, its up to 131 applications. For those who are licking, its WBALLS. For everyone else, here are some Ramblings and Keywords. Enjoy.

-- I love when girls wear those oversized polo shirt dresses that make it look when they aren't wearing any pants. Especially when the girl is a petite blonde, wearing pink or white.

-- Why is every Chevy Cavalier teal?

-- I think its great that in just 10 years, we've gone from the "white" radio stations cutting the rap part out of Michael Jackson's song, "Black or White" to JC Penny using The Black Sheep's "The Choice is Yours" in their tv ads.

-- I hate Mo Rocca.

-- I don't remember whether I heard this somewhere or made it up. Regardless, its the best cut down ever: "You pancake-eating mogoloid! I hate you and your weird nipples!"

-- I just watched "The Office" for ths first time last night. Its great. Steve Carell is perfect as the douchebag middle management type.

-- Has anybody made more out of less than "The Miz" from the Real World? That guy has been on tv for the last 5 years for absolutely no reason. He'll probably take over Late Night when Conan leaves.

-- Why has Bravo all of a sudden gone from the gay channel to the Kathy Griffin channel?

-- At the wedding I was at recently, I saw something unprecedented: a suit jacket with a popped collar. I wanted to bludgeon the guy with a full bottle of Jack Daniel's.


Some recent keywords people have used to get to my site...

Eazy-E Tattoo
I'm innocent bitch
George Benson Jehova Witness
Guy Hollerin Attorney
Half field soccer rules
Clint Eastwood Flags of our Fathers Rumsfeld
Minding the store "i don't know how to make drinks.... i know how to make coke."
Want to be a bonesman
Vagina gaff
Karaoke Peyote Cafe

I get a lot of hits from "LSU Thunderstruck Video." There must be a kickass video out there.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Set Pics

I found some pictures from the set of Flags of our Fathers.

This one gives you an idea of what we were wearing that day. I imagine that this is kind of what the shot in the movie will look like, so I proabably won't be seen.

Here is what the entire set looked like. I am in the second row on the right of the center aisle about 7 people in.

Monday, August 15, 2005

The Orioles Game

Even though I made a promise to myself that I would no longer willingly give money to Peter Angelos once Washington got a baseball team, I went to the Orioles game yesterday because of a previous promise to my girlfriend's little brother that I would take him to a baseball game at Camden Yards. We learned the previous night that Erik Bedard would be starting for the Orioles. This was great because he is both the Orioles' only good pitcher and on my fantasy team (which is currently in 2nd place). Also, Rafael Palmiero would be making his return to the starting lineup for the first time since being suspended for steriod use. Finally, the weather was supposed to be Africa hot, with a chance of thunderstorms.

We departed my apartment at about 11:30. Girlfriend did not want to go that early even though I told her the game started at 1 (it really started at 1:35). It normally takes about 1 hour to get to Baltimore from here and there are always little things that add time on to the trip. So I figured we would get there about an hour early, with plenty of time to take in the sights and get some food at the park. Her little brother is 13 and a big baseball fan, so I knew he'd want the complete Camden Yards experience.

We got to Baltimore at about 12:30 and entered the stadium near the Eutaw Street gate (where the warehouse is). I had purchased tickets in the center field seats. I think they are some of the best seats in the park and only cost $15. We were about 20 rows up, but decided that we would move up if nobody came and sat in the front. At this point I should mention that it was hot as balls. And the centerfield seats are in direct sunlight for the whole game. It was basically like sitting on the surface of the sun. So we figured we would be able to move later on because only idiots like me would be at this game.

We went over to Eutaw Street to get some food. Boog's BBQ has been a Camden Yards staple since its creation, but I have never really liked it that much. Sure, BBQ is good, but mass produced BBQ is rarely worth the exorbitant stadium pricing. I was happy to find a new BBQ place next to Boog's: Bambino BBQ. This one specialized in ribs. Because what is better than eating piping hot ribs on a 100 degree day? So me and girlfriend's little brother got the ribs platter with a souvenier soda at the bargain price of a combined $34. I'm not joking.

By the way, I'm pissed off at the general malaise of stadiums (stadia?) regarding "souvenier" cups. What the fuck? They are so cheap these days. They don't even have team logos or schedules on them. Usually its just a plastic cup with either a generic sports theme or the brand of soda on it. Not even worth keeping. Bring back the team logos or even player-specific cups. There was a time when souvenier meant that it was worth bringing home. The cups they use now look so cheap, I'm not sure if they would survive a cycle in the dishwasher. I'm no economist (or anything else for that matter), but I bet if you had a cup with (for example) Miguel Tejada on it, people would want to buy it a lot more than the generic Coca Cola cup.

So we get back to our seats and eat our food before the game starts. Girlfriend immediately decides that she's going to spend most of the day in the air-conditioned sports bar in the Warehouse because its fucking hot and she's not feeling well (which begins an afternoon full of "BM" jokes). Speaking of the weather. It was so hot that you had to comment on how hot it was about once every half hour. Never has the phrase, "Its so hot! Milk was a bad choice." been used so much. Since it was so hot and I needed to get my tan back, off came the shirt.

The game started around 1:35 and the first inning was brutal. We had a belly full of ribs and had been out in the sun for an hour already. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that the first inning took no less than 40 minutes to complete. The O's let up a few runs and then scored a couple in the bottom half of the inning. The best hit of the day was Byrnes' shot off the centerfield wall. Then Palmiero came up. There was a combination of boos and cheering, the likes of which probably has never been seen at a home game. One family in our area even stood with their backs turned to Palmiero for his at bat. Of course, he gets an out and the inning ended mercifully.

At this point, we went over to the short porch in right field, where there was one of those mist tents and free cups of ice. It was so hot out there. Milk was a bad choice. The best part of the free ice, other than it being free was that the guy handing it out had one of those chicken wings instead of a fully functional arm. Those of you who were at Turks and Caicos with me can imagine my glee. We went back to the seats and this time went directly to the front row, a couple of sections over. Here we were about 30 feet from Sammy Sosa, who was doing his best to continue his worst year in the majors to date.

The rest of the game was pretty uneventful, save for the Blue Jays' centerfielder losing a ball in the sun and then having it nail him in the leg on the way down. By the end of the game, the Orioles were down by 3 in the bottom of the 9th. They got 2 runs back with a man on 2nd and 2 outs. Palmiero came up to the plate with a chance to redeem himself in the eyes of Baltimore, nay, the world. Of course he pops out and the game ends disappointingly. Fortunately, I was able to get a good tan as well as some suprisingly good ribs at the game. Plus, we got to sit in the front row for pretty much the entire game, so we got that going for us, which is nice. Regardless, I would still rather not give any money to Peter Angelos ever again given the choice. The man could be the biggest douchebag in sports, and that includes Drew Rosenhaus.

To cap it all off, once we got home we were treated to 2 dog puke stains on my comforter. Indeed, a good time was had by all.

Friday, August 12, 2005

5 Guys

Today I went to my girlfriend's office to hang out for
part of the day because due to my unemployable status,
I don't get out much. This means that I am usually at
home all day playing with the dog and waiting for
emails from employers that never come. The best part
of girlfriend's office is that its near a Five Guys.

So I went to 5 guys for lunch and ordered a hamburger
with lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and jalapeno peppers.
One great thing about 5 guys is that they have a huge
box of peanuts in the shell for people to eat while
they are waiting. You all should remember how I feel
about those with peanut allergies (they deserve to
die), so I love this statement of defiance. I love
peanuts in the shell. You know what my favorite is?
When you get that little retarded peanut that is all
shriveled up and tastes like pure dirt. That is the best.

Anyway, after I eat my peanuts and go up to the
counter to wait for my order, I get it and take it
back to the office (girlfriend's partner was not there
today because she's at some Jesus convention learning
how to lie more effectively). I get back to the office
and flare my nostrils in olfactory anticipation for
the smorgasbord of triglycerides I'm about to consume
when I notice something seriously wrong with my
burger. There are no onions and no jalapeno peppers.
What the fuck? Its not like it was busy in there and
the guy at the counter got overwhelmed. Its not like I
had an unusual or unnecessarily large order. Easy.
Lettuce, Tomato, Onion, hot peppers. I'm so pissed
about this. I could have easily fixed this and treated
the people that work there like mental defectives had
I eaten at the restaurant, but now that I'm at the
office, its not worth it to go all the way back.

I worked in the food service industry (delivering
pizza and working at the counter of a pizza place for
2 weeks until the owner had my friend fire me and my
otehr friend for, amongst other reasons, being "too
fucking tall.") Taking and delivering a correct order
is not that hard. I'm sure I did it high off my ass
many times. The morons at 5 guys didn't even look like
they were on any kind of drugs. And yet, I'm sure its
people like this that are getting the jobs that I
apply for. There's no pride anymore. I blame it on the
American Corporation separating the average joe (not
Mesh or Holcman) so far from the decision making and
the opportunity for advancement that nobody cares
anymore. Thats why I'm moving to Samoa.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005


Since nothing of interest has happened to me today (except for pooping three times), I decided to go with a post that is completely stolen from Jason Mulgrew. Recently, I signed up for a website that tracks keywords, hits, and even locations of my readers. The most interesting thing other than the fact that I'm apparently huge in Williamsburg, Virginia, are the keywords that people use to find this site via various search engines. Below are a list of some of my favorites.


Blubber Belly
Free Borf Tee
Bunkmate Game Questions
Steve Hutchinson Herpes
Michigan Fab 5 Tee Shirts
TV Show Starring Kate Milgrew
DC G-Unit Afterparty
LSU Thunderstruck
Flags of our Fathers
Calling a girl for the first time
Video clips of Demarcus Ware
After Party Agent

I think my favorite one has to be "Steve Hutchinson Herpes." I have no idea why someone would search for that, but my best guess is that some potential girlfriend of Steve's is trying to check up on his medical records using Google. Thank god we don't live in a world where that is possible... yet.

I just wanted to say thanks to all my readers, especially those who don't even know me.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Flags of our Fathers, an acting debut.

Today I had my first acting gig since the infamous Washington Apple incident in fourth grade. If I was in a business, I'd say I was in the wrong business because acting is the easiest job ever. I basically got paid to dress up and sweat my balls off for about six hours. I know it gets a little harder when you actually have to act, but those people got paid much more than I did and they got to have air conditioned trailers to retire to in between takes. Anyway, here's approximately what happened.

12:00 am last night
I had already called the extras hotline to see when and where I had to show up today and it wasn't too bad. 7:15 am at Pentagon City Mall. We would be taken by bus to the hotel where our costumes were and then to the set. So I set my alarm clock for 5:30 am, an hour I have not seen since, well, I don't even remember. This was going to be a tough wake up because I had just gotten back from going to a wedding in Philly and staying at my girlfriend's parents' place. I am accustomed to sleeping in, especially after weddings and girlfriend and her family have what I refer to as an "I'm up, everybody's up" policy. That and her bedroom door desperately needing a hefty dose of WD40 ensured that I woke up way too early to have been properly rested to wake up early the next day. I was so tired that I even slept on the bus a little on the way home (and I can never sleep on busses or planes). Incidentally, there was some dude named Marquise (I think) on the bus who was a singer and he was calling everyone he knew saying that there was a bidding war for his contract between Roc-a-Fella, Universal, Sony, and Warner Brothers. So look out for Marquise.

Early: This morning.
So I woke up this morning at about 6:15, thinking I only had pressed snooze once. Guess it was more like five times. Dammit! I jumped in the shower, shaved, and did my hair 50's style even though it was going to be covered by a hat. I was out the door and to the Metro by 6:30. Since I absolutely am not a morning person, I have become adept at maximizing each second of time to allow me to wake up as late as I possibly can, while still being the first person at the office (or school). It paid off here, as I was able to not be late, even though I woke up about 45 minutes later than I wanted.

I got my free papers at the Metro stop and was greeted by some of the best news I've ever heard: some businessmen bought the Roy Rogers brand back from whoever had it and are going to bring back Roy's in this area! SWEET! Roy's is bar none the best fast food place ever. Their bacon cheeseburgers are probably what I'll be having for my last meal when I'm on death row. The only places they have Roy's these days are in Manhattan and on the New Jersey turnpike, which is why the value meals cost about $10, but if they are in normal areas, that should drastically cut the price and the amount of ugly and fat people who clog up the lines. But I digress.

7:00 am
I get to Pentagon City Mall and get on one of the busses to the hotel. Early as usual, even though I woke up really late. Thats just the kind of cat I am. That is just one of the workplace skills I bring which never gets noticed. Once the bus fills up, they take us to the hotel and its down to wardrobe. I get into my suit, hat, and overcoat and leave my jeans and backpack with my hangers so that I don't have to carry them around all day. Once someone checks me out and deems me ready for the big screen, I'm off to some ballroom for the highlight of the day: free breakfast. Unfortunately, as I suspected, they did not have Diet Coke (or any sodas for that matter) at the breakfast, so I had some water with my breakfast burrito and croissant. As soon as I put the last bite of breakfast into my mouth it was off to another bus to be driven to the set, the Iwo Jima Memorial.

8:00 am
We arrive at the memorial where some of the other extras already are. We were to be playing the crowd at the dedication of the memorial. The reason for the heavy clothes is that this was supposed to be taking place in November, not the best news for a hot, muggy day in August. Along with the other extras were "the inflatables." These were inflatable dummies that were just heads and torsos on the background chairs, dressed up in 50's attire as well. One of the other extras commented that we were a notch above them on the food chain. I replied with "Yeah, they get paid a little less than us." Not my best work, but give me a break, it was early.

So one of the crew people was placing the extras in certain areas of the crowd to fill it up and gets to my groups of people and says that we should go fill in the empty areas in the middle. I went right for the second row of the middle. I'd say I was about 10 people from the center aisle on the right side (facing the stage) in the second row. I have no idea if this is a good spot, but at least I'd get to see whatever was going on in front of me pretty well. Then, we played the waiting game. I know, I wanted to play Hungry Hungry Hippos also.

10:00 am
I think this was when everything was finally ready to shoot. I caught my first glimpse of Clint Eastwood. He was wearing a tee shirt, khaki pants, and one of those baseball caps that is probably from a ski resort out west where the brim way too big, is a different color than the rest of it, and not broken in properly. They do some shots of the monument and Marines crossing in front of the crowd and its starting to get hot. Really hot. At some point the stars came out to take their places. They were on the other side of the center aisle in the front row, about 25 feet from me. Some people may have been excited about Ryan Phillipe, some may have been excited about Jesse Bradford, but not me. I was psyched to be in the same movie as Adam Beach. Yes, that Adam Beach! For those of you who have been living under a rock for the last 10 years, Adam Beach played Kicking Wing in Joe Dirt, probably the finest motion picture since The Godfather.

We had a short break, which I wanted to take advantage of. I went to look at the vintage cars on the set and then to the craft services table. They had water, gatorade, iced coffee and all sorts of snacks there for the taking. They even had a sno cone maker. I opted for a strawberry Nutri Grain bar and a mini muffin and washed it down with some watery gatorade before I returned to the set. Little did I know that this would be our last break, as Clint Eastwood is known for not wasting any time as a director. Dammit, I should have gone for the sno cone.

The only way I know what the approximate times were for these things was the bell tower at Arlington National cemetery. Since my watch was not even close to being 50's style, I did not wear it. At noon, the bell tower did its normal thing followed by 12 dongs (ha!), signifying the time. After that, it played the theme song for each branch of the military. I think they might have even played the coast guard song because there were definitely more than 4. I thought that we might stop filming for a few minutes to keep their heads ringing, but I guess that won't be picked up by the mics.

At this point the lack of sleep and weather were really getting to me. Between takes, I basically closed my eyes and tried to rest. Not that easy when you are wearing 10 lbs of clothes in 90 degree weather. This was also about the point when We were visited by another "celebrity." Donald Rumsfeld and his military contingent came down to press the flesh and be seen. He even brought his own camera crew with him. This visit will be used for some sort of propaganda about Iraq, no doubt.

I was switched to a different area for a shot of the end of the ceremony. Everyone was supposed to get up and look like they were leaving the area once the Marines crossed in front of the crowd. We did about 4 takes of this before I was moved to the other side, where we did the same type of thing. I'm not sure if you will be able to see me in the movie, but look for a guy with a grey overcoat and black fedora on. I'll definitely have to get the DVD and comb through it to see if I can actually recognize myself, as I'll probably be out of focus, if I'm in it at all.

At about 2, it started raining, which was nice because the weather cooled off a little. It also meant that we would be finishing up. We did about 2 more takes and everyone went back to the busses. I got on one of the first ones and we went back to the hotel. Once there, I returned my costume and got my pay slip signed and was ready to go. Not a bad day, especially if you consider that this was my first paying job in about 3 years. If only I could do this every day, I wouldn't have to get a real job. Maybe I should move to LA.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Throw yo program up!

I was going to write a post today but I can't imagine a situation where I can do better than this. It compares college football programs to rappers. Even though I'd say Michigan is more like the Beastie Boys than Rakim, this guy is pretty accurate and funny.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

John Cusack must be stopped!

If there is one actor who has continuously worked against modern man, its Hugh Grant. But he's British, so he doesn't count. One man has sabotaged his bretheren into having to see some of the worst movies ever created... romantic "comedies." His name is John Cusack and he must be stopped.

I am herebly imploring all men to institute the John Cusack Rule. It states: If, in the event I go to the movies with a member of the opposite sex, and I am forced into seeing what may be considered a "date movie," I will not see any movie wherein John Cusack has top billing because I have a penis and testicles, and therefore cannot possible enjoy said movie. Men the world over have joined me in this pledge, not because we hate John Cusack persay, but because we hate the movies he makes. If you can't remember this pledge, you should print it out and keep it in your wallet in case of a Cusack emergency.

It is a shame that Mr. Cusack has lost all male credibility. As a young actor, he was in some funny stuff. Here is a timeline of his movie career with comments by me: Major F'ing Star.

Class (1983) .... Roscoe Maibaum
Never saw this one, but its hs first movie so he probably didn't have much of a part. So, needless to say, its probably not a romantic "comedy."

Sixteen Candles (1984) .... Bryce

I didn't really ever see this one either. Is this the one with Long Duck Dong? Either way, you have to respect a movie with a stereotypical 80's Asian foreign exchange student. We have to bring that era back. This is every girl's favorite 80's movie. This is where Cusack probably saw what his core audience could be... and liked it.

Stand by Me (1986) .... Denny Lachance

Best movie ever. Amount Cusack is in...about 3 minutes. Coincidence? I think not. By the way, I'm skipping some of the movies he's done that I don't know. Its just easier that way.

One Crazy Summer (1986) .... Hoops McCann
Is this the movie with Demi Moore and Bobcat Goldthwait where they build that boat? What a weird fucking flick. Never really saw it. That means that I have probably seen bits and pieces of it on HBO and Comedy Central over the years, but was never really interested enough to watch the whole thing in one sitting.

Broadcast News (1987) (as John Cusak) .... Angry Messenger
I think this one was supposed to be a good movie, and seeing as how Cusack probably had a small part (angy messenger), I wouldn't doubt it.

Eight Men Out (1988) .... Buck Weaver

Have I seen any John Cusack movies? Even a baseball movie with him in it keeps me away from the theater. Again, I heard this one was good but never really saw it.

Tapeheads (1988) .... Ivan Alexeev

This was one of those movies that you used to pass in the video store about 20 times when you were in high school and said to yourself, "self, maybe I should check that one out" but then saw a copy of Porky's Revenge and looked at that instead. Oh, and I never saw this one either.

Say Anything... (1989) .... Lloyd Dobler
Girls, get your fingering fingers ready... Say Anything! Chicks love this movie. I, of course, haven't seen it. In fact, if you are a guy and you have seen this movie, you should probably go to the restroom right now and check to see if you have a penis. You may have had one on the way into the theater, but I bet it shriveled up and fell of by the time this one was over. The only thing I know about this movie is that Cusack plays a pussy who holds a boom box over his head for his girl.

The Grifters (1990) .... Roy Dillon

Its getting to be kind of rediculous. I haven't seen this one either, but I know the title. I'm guessing it was boring.

True Colors (1991) .... Peter Burton

Didn't see it.

Bob Roberts (1992) .... Cutting Edge Host
Didn't see it.

The Road to Wellville (1994) .... Charles Ossining
Now we're getting somewhere. I actually saw this one. Any movie where someone has to crap in a baking pan is on my short list. Regardless of that, this was a fucking strange movie that Cusack didn't make any better or worse.

City Hall (1996) .... Deputy Mayor Kevin Calhoun
Didn't see it.

Grosse Pointe Blank (1997) .... Martin Q. Blank

I saw parts of this one, but I think the double Cusack billing creeped me out and made me not want to watch it. Some people really liked this movie. I can't say I was one of them.

Con Air (1997) .... U.S. Marshal Vince Larkin
The last of the Mohicans is burning! Dave Chappelle's breakout role. Solid cast in this one. But could they have casted a worse US Marshal than Cusack? Maybe Stephen Hawking.

Anastasia (1997) (voice) .... Dimitri
A Disney movie that nobody saw. Thats pretty hard to accomplish. Kudos!

Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil (1997) .... John Kelso
Wasn't this based on a book? Thats all I know about it because I didn't see it.

The Thin Red Line (1998) .... Captain John Gaff
This movie was hilarious. Martin Lawrence was great in it. Oh wait, that was The Thin Blue Line. This was a Viet Nam movie that nobody liked.

Pushing Tin (1999) .... Nick Falzone

A movie about air traffic controllers... sweet. In case you couldn't tell, I was being sarcastic.

Cradle Will Rock (1999) .... Nelson Rockefeller
Didn't see it.

Being John Malkovich (1999) .... Craig Schwartz

Finally. It took Charlie Kaufman to make Cusack respectable again. Great movie, if only for how friggin weird it was.

High Fidelity (2000) .... Rob Gordon
Here's another movie where Cusack plays a pussy, but it was entertaining because of Jack Black.

America's Sweethearts (2001) .... Eddie Thomas

The title alone was enough to make me not want to see this one.

Serendipity (2001) .... Jonathan Trager

I saw this on a plane. I have never wanted to be in a firey plane crash more than when I was watching this garbage.

Runaway Jury (2003) .... Nicholas Easter
This one is on HBO all the time now. Even though I usually like the Grisham stuff, Cusak makes this movie so boring that I have never been able to sit all the way through it.

And finally,

Must Love Dogs (2005) .... Jake
If there is a guy whose girlfriend hasn't said, "that looks good," I'd like to meet her. This one just makes me angry when I see the ads. Come on John, you're not even trying anymore.

As you can see, John Cusack once had a promising career ahead of him. Some of his early movies were pretty good and he's made some decent choices in the recent past, but as a career, he's made some of the worst movies out there. To me, the term "Romantic Comedy" means one thing: not funny. It is because of these movies and hs overall portfolio that I am instituting the John Cusack Rule. Men everywhere are free to join me. He must be stopped.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

The Aristocrats

For those of you who are sick bastards like myself, go to ifilm and search for The Aristocrats. Click on the South Park clip. It may be the best thing I have ever seen in my life. DO NOT OPEN IN THE PRESENCE OF ANY OTHER HUMAN BEINGS OR ANIMALS and for god's sake if you know what is good for you don't even think about it at work. Enjoy.