Crabby Dick's

Two things you should know about how much my body sucks.

1) I was on vacation from Thursday until Monday. Despite eating much more than the usual 4 (or so) packets of oatmeal my body has been receiving over the past couple of weeks, as well as drinking every night, I did not shit until yesterday afternoon. Keep in mind, this included, but was not limited to: A bacon omelet with a side of sausage (I was trying to get swiss cheese, but I guess in Russian, "swiss cheese" means "sausage"), a corned beef sandwich on a pretzel roll, a bloody mary, a cheeseburger, a hot dog, Doritos, captain and coke, beer, kamikaze shot, a french toast donut, a lifeguard chair, birthday cake, hush puppies, crab dip, 5 large crabs, beer, another bacon omelet (this time with swiss cheese), a cheesesteak, another cheeseburger, two small children, corn salad, pasta salad, more cake, more beer, leftover burgers, a crabcake sandwich, 2 shrimp, another bloody mary, the Austin Powers Pinball machine, old bay fries, and a rum runner.

2) I gained no less than 6 lbs in those 5 days.

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Best of the Beach

Best Crabs:
Crabber's Cove -- This restaurant won me over with their free hush puppies.

Runner Up:
The Crotch-Grabber -- A girl whose house we passed on the way to the beach. She clearly had some vaginal itch issues.

Best Band:
Burnt Sienna -- Solid band that played great hard rock and pop tunes.

Runner Up:
Liquid A -- Also really good (like Ken's mom's Kimchee Chicken), with a great drummer.

Best Kid:
The 4 year old twins from across the street -- They loved Takoma (and me), and were proclaimed by their grandfather to be "the next generation of Dewey Beach girls."

Runner Up:
Drinking Buddy -- A 12 year old fat kid who was the only one to brave the rocky ocean waters with me and the J Man.

Best Bar:
The Bottle and Cork -- Quite simply "The greatest rock and roll bar in the world."

Runner Up:
The Rusty Rudder -- Right on the Bay with a calypso band from 4-9 and another band from 9-1.

Best Breakfast Spot:
Theo's Family Restaurant -- Sure, its disgusting, staffed by eastern Europeans, and only has Pepsi products, but it does serve breakfast all day and is open all night.

Runner Up:
The Fractured Prune -- Two words: Create your own Donuts.

Best Injury:
Ike scraping up 1/3 of his back after getting nailed by a wave.

Runner Up:
The J-man's sunburned toes.

Best Nostalgic Moment:
Shotgunning cans of beer on the porch.

Runner Up:
Eating at Theo's.

Best Boardwalk Shirt Design:
A disco-era picture of Michael Jackson with the caption: "I'm Innocent, Bitch!"

Runner Up:
A picture of Rick James with the caption: "I'm Dead, Bitch!"

Best Shirt Actually Worn By Someone:
A black guy with a fraternity jersey with the nickname "Tripod" -- speaks for itself.

Runner Up:
A Jamal Mashburn throwback Kentucky jersey.

Best Liquor Bargain:
The case of Twisted Tea left on our porch (an subsequently reclaimed hours later).

Runner Up:
$19.99 Handle of Captain Morgan's.

Best response to "I'm a bank teller":
"That's cool."

Runner Up:
"No. It's not."