Thursday, September 29, 2005

Football Pix

I'm back to my usual swing of things in college with another undefeated week. I would have stayed on the Wyoming bandwagon this week, but not when they are giving 18 points. In the NFL, I had a lackluster .500 batting average. Hopefully this week will be better.

College Picks: (2-0) last week, (6-2) on the year

Pitt (+1) @ Rutgers -- I don't care how bad of a coach Dave Wannestedt is, any time Pitt is an underdog to Rutgers, I have to go with the Panthers. They should have their confidence back after beating the tar out of Youngstown State.

Navy (-6) @ Duke -- Navy had an unexpected week off because they were supposed to play at Rice last week. This means they should be rested and ready to kick Duke's blue ass.

NFL Picks: (7-7) last week, (19-26-1) on the year

Houston at Cincinnati (-9.5) -- I have two feet firmly planted on the Bengals bandwagon and I'm riding it to the playoffs. All we need now is a Rudi Shuffle. Since I have Andre 3000 Johnson on my keeper league team, look for him to have 28 yds and no tds.

Indianapolis (-7) at Tennessee -- Will this be the week Indy's offense explodes? You never know. I'm guessing that it may be, considering Peytard is back in the state where he had his glory days (remember, when he never won a big game?). The new-look Colts D should have no problem stopping Captain Questionable Mc Nair and crew.

Seattle (+2) at Washington -- I am actually going to this game. Washington has beaten 2 teams by a total of 3 points. The Skins barely beat Chicago week 1 even though it was Orton's first NFL game. The Dallas game was a total loss except for 2 plays in the 4th quarter. As much confidence as I have in their defense, I have zero confidence in the offense to score at all.

Detroit at Tampa Bay (-6.5) -- There is as little reason to doubt Tampa as there is reason to have confidence in Detroit.

Denver at Jacksonville (-4) -- The Jags D is great. Their offense seems to be going well, and Denver is one of those teams that usually will have an up and down season. Compound this with the fact that Chump Bailey got hurt and they had a short week after the Monday nighter and had to travel to Jacksonville, and I'll go with the Jaguars on this one.

San Diego at New England (-5) -- This is a tough game for the Pats, but they should be able to win at home. I still don't believe that San Diego is for real, no matter how good Tomlinson is. I also might be picking against them out of spite because Tomlinson singlehandedly destroyed one of my fantasy teams last week.

Buffalo at New Orleans (Pick 'em) -- I think this game is actually being played in the state of Louisiana, so maybe the Commissioner has bussed in 75,000 Bills fans to make the Saints feel more at home. Anyway, the people of Louisiana are reeling from the LSU loss and nothing would make them feel better than cramming the ball down JP Losman's throat.

St. Louis (+3) at NY Giants -- Even though the Rams tend to suck on the road and outdoors, I like them to beat the Giants because I don't think that they are that good.

NY Jets at Baltimore (-7) -- This may go down as the ugliest NFL game ever played. Baltimore's D should have a field day with whoever is starting for the Jets.

Minnesota (+6)
at Atlanta -- See what happens when you put in Mewelde Moore, Coach Tice? Do you see what happens when you put in Mewelde Moore? DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PUT IN MEWELDE MOORE? Idiot.

Philadelphia (+1.5) at Kansas City -- KC looked downright terrible on Monday night. Philly is a much better team than Denver, but KC is a tough place to play. This is a shaky pick for me and I wouldn't be suprised if either team won big.

Dallas at Oakland (-3.5) -- This is a game Oakland can and should win. But you never know with Norv neck. Another pick I'm not too confident about.

San Francisco (+2) at Arizona -- The Cards are a disaster. Isn't this game in Mexico or something? Too bad Ron Mexico isn't playing there. Since there will be no real home field advantage, I'm going with the team whose name is already in Spanish.

Green Bay at Carolina (-7.5) -- I'm beginning to feel really bad about betting against Favre every week, but man, the Pack is bad.

This is the best thing I've ever seen

Colla at me

Friday, September 23, 2005

Football Picks: Back in a big way

Well, after my 4-0 start in college football, I'm back down to 4-2 due to a tough week where Michigan actually beat up on someone. For this reason, the Michigan game is not in my picks this week. But I will stay with the Big Ten (for one pick).

College Picks (0-2) last week, (4-2) for the year

Iowa @ Ohio State (-7) -- This should be a great game, but I don't think Iowa can win at the Horseshoe just yet. The only question is if the game is going to be close up until the end (OSU winning by a field goal). I'll put my money on the Ohio State dickheads to win by a TD at least.

Wyoming (+3) @ Mississippi -- I have no idea about either of these teams, but I'm playing a hunch that the doo doo pee pee uniforms of Wyoming will distract Ole Miss enough to allow for a Cowboy win.

NFL Picks (8-7-1) last week, (12-19-1) for the year

Jaguars (+2.5) @ Jets -- the Jags D looks good and I think they can beat the Jets even if Leftwich is hurt. I say that the Jags win this game even if Lord Byron plays with a peg leg. If he doesn't, Garrard is underrated as a backup. Furthermore, Lav Coles was molested. I'm not saying he's gay. I'm just saying he New York does happen to be the musical theater capital of the US.

Titans @Rams (-6.5) -- The Rams always play well at home and I am playing against Steven Jackson in my fantasy league this week. This spells trouble for the Titans. Another reason to root against the Titans was that girl from my Sports Law class. You know the type, the girl who knows about sports, but has to overcompensate for her lack of a penis by being an annoying beeyatch and trying to impress everybody in the world with her sports knowledge. She liked the Titans.

Oakland @ Eagles (-8) -- Moss v. T.O.: pretty even. Jordan v. Westbrook: pretty even. Collins v. McNabb: not as even. Raiders D v. Eagles D.: even less even. Norville Turner v. Andy Reid: a complete mismatch. I hate to bet against the Raiders with such a huge spread, but Norv will stop at nothing to ruin a team.

Bengals (-3) @ BEARS -- I am officially on the Bengals bandwagon. I love the big 3 on offense and their defense is pretty good even though I can't name a single player on that side of the ball other than TKO Spikes. I am just as impressed with the Bears defense this season, but the offense can't keep up with the Bengals if they get ahead.

Saints (+4) @ Vikings -- The Saints looked good in week 1 and bad in week 2. This is a bounce back week for them because they are playing the Vikings and I have this theory: Mike Tice is an idiot. I'm not sure how this guy ever became a head coach, but its time for the Tice era to end. Losing Burleson isn't going to help either.

Panthers (-3) @ Dolphins -- Stephen Davis is still healthy, so I'm going with Carolina. Their defense should be able to shut down Dollar Dollar Gus Frerotte.

Browns (+13.5) @ Colts -- The Colts will win this game, but the spread is too big for me to go against the Browns. Of course, watch this be the game that Manning throws for 6 TDs and my whole reasoning will be shot.

Falcons (+3) @ Bills -- The Bills offense has been inept the past two weeks. I don't see much changing against a very good Falcons D.

Bucs (-3.5) @ Packers -- I traded in my Chevy for a Cadillac-ac-ac-ac-ac-ac, you ought to know by now... the Pack is done.

Cardinals @ Seahawks (-6) -- The lack of a rushing attack is going to hurt the Cards in this shootout.

Patriots (+3) @ Steelers -- This should be the best game of the week, if only because of the Pats and Steelers fans. They were the two biggest jersey-wearing contingents at the bar last week. I'd love to see them duke it out.

Cowboys (-6.5)
@ 49ers -- The Cowboys are going to be pissed. This should be the second week in a row that San Francisco takes it up the fartbox. Alex Smith should be starting by next week.

Giants @ Chargers (-6) -- As little as I like the Chargers, someone has to prove what a fraud the Giants are. We can't have another year where the Giants suck and wind up going to the Superbowl. That would be so depressing. Especially since they were given the gift of an extra home game in the worst case of New York-centrism since David Stern rigged the first lottery so that the Knicks could get Patrick Ewing.

Chiefs (+3) @ Broncos -- Come on, the Chiefs are getting 3 points?

Wednesday, September 21, 2005


Sorry about the lack of posts lately. I am taking a well-deserved sabbatical from my blog.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Red, White, and Catheter: A Sesquicentennial of Suckitude

Well, its official. I have just applied for my 150th - 154th jobs. This gets me thinking. Maybe I should change my plan. Whatever I'm doing is obviously not working. So here it is: I want an extreme makeover (home edition). I deserve it. At least an Oprah home makeover.

I talked to my mother about this whole job hunting fiasco and I said that this country sucks because her generation ruined it (think about the Enrons, Worldcoms, etc... there's always some 55 year old schmuck with a platinum and diamond encrusted stapler behind the whole thing). Anyway, I'm not sure what I expected her to say, but she comes out of nowhere with, "I think its because they let all these immigrants in." Then she did her best Axl Rose impression and belted out, "Immigrants and faggots... they make no sense to meeeeeeee! They come to this country... or spread some fucking diseeeeeeeeeeease!"

Well, that last part never happened, but she did hate on immigrants for some reason. I thought all jews had to give immigrants a lifetime pass because we were all trudging through Ellis Island at one point or another. By the way, fuck you Ellis Island for not giving me a shorter and easier to spell name.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

The Picks

Last week was a complete disaster for NFL, but my college streak is still alive. Away we go...


(2-0) last week, (4-0) for the year

Eastern Michigan (+30) @ Michigan
I'm going to keep picking against Michigan until I'm proven wrong. Eastern would have no chance of winning this game even if Charlie Batch and Earl Boykins were playing. That being said, Lloyd Carr is Lloyd Carr and Michigan doesn't beat anyone by 30.

San Diego State @ Ohio State (-27.5)
Ohio State is bound to be pissed after last week, and being the dicks that they are, will try and run up the score to get back into the top half of the top ten. Also, SDSU let up over 40 points to UCLA and Air Force.

(4-12) last week, (4-12) for the year

New England (-3) @ Carolina
No reason to doubt the champs. I am a little concerned about their lack of rushing, though.

Detroit @ Chicago (+1.5)
This one should be interesting. I think Chicago shows that their D is no joke here against a legitimate offense. Well, almost legitimate.

Minnesota @ Cincinnati (-3)
This one looks like one of those games where people will start realizing that Cincy is much better than they expected and Minnesota is much worse.

Pittsburgh (-6) @ Houston
Well, I was wrong about Pittsburgh coming back down to Earth last week. Houston looks like crap also. Pitt in a romp.

Jacksonville @ Indianapolis (-9)
I'm done trying to pick upsets. Peytard and the boys are back to their old ways and light up Jacksonville in the dome.

San Francisco @ Philadelphia (-12.5)
This one actually had no line on the site I check, so I can only assume that everyone was betting on Philly.

Buffalo (+2.5) @ Tampa Bay
I don't know why, but I just don't believe in Tampa yet.

Baltimore (-3.5) @ Tennessee
The last time Anthony Wright started for Baltimore, they wound up going to the Superbowl. The Titans D is awful. Baltimore wins by stuffing the ball down the Titans throats.

St. Louis (+1) @ Arizona
I still can't bring myself to bet on the Cardinals, no matter how retarded Mike Martz is.

Atlanta (+1) @ Seattle
Atlanta is another team that is better than people realize. Their D is for real. Too bad Mathis is out for the year.

San Diego @ Denver (-3)
As much as I hate the Broncos, its pretty hard to win in Denver.

Cleveland (+6.5) @ Green Bay
Green Bay is done.

Miami @ NY Jets (-6)
Nothing like a Herm Edwards spaz out to get the troops in line.

Kansas City (-1) @ Oakland
This game is going to be awesome. Definitely the game of the week. I gotta go with the team not coached by Norv Turner here.

New Orleans (+3) @ NY Giants
The Saints have to be pissed that they are missing a home game this week. Hopefully, they will take it out on the Giants.

Washington @ Dallas (-6)
Round Head Brunell + Dallas + Monday Night + Week 2 = loss for the Skins. Incidentally, if all my NFC East picks come in correctly (at least who I think will win), guess who is 2-0 and sitting pretty atop the division...Dallas. You know its going to happen, if only to give the talking heads something to scream about for the next week.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005


"On your watch, we've lost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two Trade Centers, a piece of The Pentagon, and the city of New Orleans."
--Bill Maher

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

I suck (football)

I guess the only good news to come out of this weekend is that I am now 4-0 in my college picks. You'll have to trust me that I picked Ohio State and Northern Illinois the first week. Why wouldn't you? I don't lie.

For the NFL picks, I was a whopping 4-12, although my lock of the week came in. I'm not sure if I'm going to keep picking all the games because frankly, it takes a long time to even write out the matchups. We'll see how I'm feeling.

So here is where we will keep track of the Weekly 5. This includes what happened to Michigan, my touch football team, the Redskins, and my 2 fantasy teams. This record will reflect how much of a burden I am as a fan/player/owner. This week I was 1-4.

1) Michigan -- lost to Notre Dame at home for the first time in over a decade. I went over this in the Lloyd Carr post.
2) Touch Football -- I had 3 catches for somewhere around 20 yards and we were up 8-0 when my knee collided with a defender's knee as I was running toward the end zone. I had to leave the game because I was probably about 25% at that point. We wound up losing 13-8.
3) Redskins -- Beat one of the worst teams in the league by 2, while ensuring that Round Head Brunell will be their starting QB for a while. This barely counts as a win.
4) Keeper Fantasy Team -- Destroyed. Lets put it this way: if not for Warrick Dunn and Deion Branch, I would have scored 33.4 points. With them, it went all the way up to 61.
5) Non-keeper Team -- Cooley's TD gets called back. Akers misses 2 FGs. Priest Holmes now splits major time. The Rams D lays an egg against the worst offense in the league (next to the Redskins). Hasselbeck tosses three picks. All leading to a 16 point loss.


6) Neil Weisman -- moved in two days early.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Roberts Confirmation

For those of you who aren't watching the Roberts confrimation hearings (why would you? he's getting confirmed no matter what), here's the breakdown of whats going on.

Republicans know he's going to rule in their favor for the most part, so they are trying to say that the only questions people should ask are about his ability to judge cases fairly based on the facts presented. Republicans are basically trying to not have him answer any questions that might show his political inclinations about anything.

Democrats know he's not going to rule in their favor for the most part, so they are trying to say that he has to talk about his political ideology because its impossible to be completely unbiased as a judge (for an extreme example, see Scalia). They want him to say something so dumb that it makes it impossible for him to get confirmed.

It is a shame that a guy who will probably be the Chief Justice for the next 30 years is probably going to sit there and not answer any questions about his fitness to serve and get confirmed anyway because of the Republican domination of the government. The founding fathers are dusting off their Sit 'n Spins right now.

Sunday, September 11, 2005


I will forego telling my Septemer 11th story today because it is really kind of trivial compared to what some other people in NY went through. Instead, please go to this site.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Time for Interim Coach Carr to go

I try and start the "Fire Lloyd Carr" Movement every year, but it never seems to gain any momentum. Every year Michigan is ranked in the top ten in the preseason because of their recruiting strength and big program mystique. Every year Lloyd Carr loses the first tough out of conference game. Every year Michigan drops down to the teens in the rankings and then claws their way back into BCS contention by winning a bunch of games in a row. Every year Lloyd Carr loses one other random Big Ten game. Every year, the BCS bowls slip away due to poor coaching. Its time to hold someone accountable for this. That person is Lloyd Carr.

Making this argument all the time is exhausting and I'm too annoyed to do it right now, but ask yourself this: Can't we get any coach from any level to come and win the easy games and lose most of the tough ones?

Thursday, September 08, 2005

I'm forgettable (Part II)

While reading another blog, in which the post was describing the habits of a lazy law school student, I was reminded of another instance of my supreme forgettability.

In law school these days, most classes are not like your father's law school class, with the Professor cold calling students, who are then lead down a confusing, boring, often humiliating line of questioning in order to determine if you know the material, can think like a lawyer, and can read the professor's mind. No, these days, the Socratic Method is but a wisp of the torture device it once was. In my school, the standard procedure was to assign a group of students to be "on call" for each class period, thus virtually guarnanteeing that at least that group of students had read the material and were prepared to answer questions about it in front of the class. Of course, sometimes even students who were on call didn't read and this would reflect poorly on them and maybe even get taken out of their dreaded class participation portion of their grade.

By the way, let me just take this opportunity to voice my opinion on what a load of shit class participation is. Sure, we want all the students to participate in class, but people learn differently. I, for instance, learn a lot more from listening to students questions, trying to answer them in my head, and then see if the professor agrees with me. Some students learn better by reading. Some learn by asking 30 questions a day in class. What I am trying to convey is that class participation rewards those students who would speak in class even if they did not have to, and punishes those of us who don't want to speak in class for whatever reason. Furthermore, it creates incentive to be a "gunner." You know the type, those who raise their hand at every opportunity, talk because they love to hear their own voice, and go up to the professor after class to get face time. These people are wasting everyone's time because as soon as they start talking, people just zone out. That situation doesn't help anyone. Plus, the idiot who is wasting everyone's time ostensibly gets rewarded for this behavior.

Back to my forgettability story. I believe the class was Evidence or Criminal Procedure or something of that nature. I also think that it was the second semester of my second year. Even though I am definitely the type of student that sits in the back row of every class, in law school, I made the effort to sit near the front because 1) my eyesight has progressively gotten worse with each year of trying to read the tiny print in the textbooks, and 2) I didn't want to give professors any other reason to hate me for no reason. So I have a seat in about the 3rd row on the professor's right side. I also make it a point to not miss class if I can help it because I get much more out of class than reading a bunch of cases without applying them in hypothetical situations.

A month or so into the term, my little area of the room is on call. As the professor begins calling on people around me and knocking them off like those lead milk bottles at a state fair, the time is inevitably drawing close to my turn. Usually, there is one case in each assignment that just sucks and that case is always the one I wind up with. Always. So we get to that case and the professor is looking around and I feel her eyes bearing down on me.

Expecting to hear my name and some stupid question or joke about the case, the professor looks me dead in the eye with a confused look on her face and says, "Are you in this class?" Not only was I in the class. I had not missed it once. I felt like she was trying to make some sort of joke at my expense, implying that I always skipped it (again, you can see that professors tend to hate me for no reason). Granted, the class had about 100 people in it, but I was in the front section, third row. She should at least recognize my face. This made me seethe with anger. So I figured that if she doesn't know I'm in the class, then I don't have to be on call. I cleared my throat and proudly said, "I'm a visiting student." Most of the class broke out laughing at this because a lot of them knew me and those that didn't at least recognized that I did, in fact, go to the school and was enrolled in that class.

After the laughter died down a little, I figured I'd had my fun and thought she realized her mistake so I said, "No, I'll do it [meaning the case]." Well, she apparently either didn't realize her mistake or was so proud that she could not admit that she was wrong, that she just called on another person as if I really was a visiting student. After class, some of my law school friends in that class could not believe that I 1) actually tried that, and 2) pulled it off without a hitch. I was pretty amused and impressed with myself as well. A lot of these law school professors need to be taken down a few pegs, trust me.

A couple of weeks later, with me still sitting in the same seat and showing up for class every day, the professor finally realized that I was part of the class. In the middle of class, she basically stopped everything to try and embarrass me. She said something along the lines of, "[Catheter Man], didn't I ask if you were in this class?" I said, "Yes. I was joking." She responded, "[Catheter Man] You are in this class?" Yes. "[Catheter Man], I am pronouncing that correctly, right?" Pronounce it however you want. I don't really care. "No. No. No. I want to get it right. [Catheter Man]." Basically, she just wanted to call me out in front of the whole class and let them know that she wasn't going to get played like that. Luckily for me, I had been doing the reading and headed off her little sabotage at the pass.

This is just another example of how forgettable I am. I think I was completely justified in what I did.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

The picks that Vegas doesn't want you to see

This is a new feature I'm starting on my blog. I don't claim to be an expert at anything, but that won't stop me from trying. Here is where I will pick every NFL game and 2 college football games with the spread. I usually would pick the NFL games straight up, but I figure if I can get some gamblers to start using my picks, maybe I can charge for them. Hopefully by the end of the year we will see if I know anything about either level of football. Onto Week 1.

College Games

Boise State (+3.5) @ Oregon State -- Oregon State is no Georgia. Jared Zabransky will not turn the ball over 6 times in the first half again, as Boise State plays with a chip on its collective shoulder and proves that it still belongs with the big boys.

Notre Dame (+7) @ Michigan -- This is my second straight week picking against my Michigan squad. I'm doing this for a number of reasons. First, Charlie Weis looked like he had Norte Dame running like a Kenyan in a marathon last week. Lloyd Carr always loses the first tough out of conference game. Michigan's defense is horrible this year. I think Notre Dame could win this game outright. All that being said, I still will be rooting for my Wolverines.

NFL Games

Oakland (+7.5)
@ New England -- This is a tough one. How good is Oakland going to be this year? Sure, they added Lamont Jordan and Randy Moss (and Jerry Porter is back after a triumphant year of destroying my fantasy football season), but Kerry Collins is still their QB and Norv Turner is still their coach. Therefore, no lead is safe. On the other hand, New England lost both Charlie Weis and Romeo Crennell, as well as Bruschi and Patten. Still, I think the New England home field advantage will allow them to win, but it will be a close game. Vinatieri kicks a game winner.

Tampa Bay @ Minnesota (-6) -- Tampa Bay has been crap ever since the departure of Warren Sapp. Their defense used to keep them in games that they should have been blown out in because their offense was terrible. Their offense is still terrible and I don't really trust Cadillac Williams to make it much better. Minnesota lost 50% of its offense in the offseason with Moss leaving, but their defense got much better. I think this will be relatively low-scoring, with Culpepper carrying the Vikes on his back to their first win of the year. Mike Tice is an idiot.

Denver (-4) @ Miami -- Home dog alert! Still, I don't trust Miami at all. Denver will blow them out. Miami's defense is getting old and their offense is nearly non-existent. I mean, Gus Frerotte is their QB.

Tennessee (+7) @ Pittsburgh -- Pittsburgh is without its 2 top backs and their 2nd receiver from last year. Their defense is still good though. But I think the Norm Chow era is going to bring the magic back to the Titans. The problem is that the Titans D is awful. This game will probably be close, as Roethlisberger comes crashing back down to Earth this season. I think the Titans could pull a (male) shocker and win this one outright.

Chicago @ Washington (-6.5) -- This may be the only time I pick the Skins all year, so be forewarned. This is officially the game that nobody wants to watch. Both teams are god-awful on offense, but their defenses will be ok. I think the difference in this one will be a defensive TD from Washington in a low scoring snooze fest.

New Orleans @ Carolina (-6.5) -- All the stuff that has gone on in New Orleans in the past week will serve as another distraction to a team that already has adult ADD. I'd be surprised if they are anywhere near ready to play. Carolina is SI's darkhorse for the Superbowl, but their RBs have to stay healthy for a chance at that.

Seattle (+3) @ Jacksonville -- I really want to dislike Seattle and like Jacksonville this year, but I just can't do it Week One. Shaun Alexander is too good and Byron Leftwich hasn't really proven himself yet. If Fred Taylor is really healthy and Jacksonville can work Matt Jones into the offense, this team could go far, but I just don't trust them yet.

Houston (+4) @ Buffalo -- Speaking of not trusting people...J.P. Losman. I don't like Houston that much, but I think that Losman will cost the Bills their first home game this year due to some rookie mistakes. One the other hand, Houston's offense should be poised for a breakout year or else the David Carr experiment might be drawing to a close.

Cincy (-3) @ Cleveland -- Another home dog. Cincy should roll up on Cleveland this week. I see absolutely nothing to like about Cleveland this year. In fact, I am making this game the Catheter Man Lock of the Week. This game is going to be like figuring out who is the gay on the first episode of the Real World.

Jets @ KC (-3) -- This game might be a shootout, but I think that KC wins at home too mugh for me to pick against them. I love that the Pennington-Coles connection is back in NY, but Curtis Martin is getting too old for this shit. I know I have said that every year for the past 4 years and he proves me wrong every year, but I'm saying that this is the year he finally slows down.

Green Bay (+3)
@ Detroit -- This is a tough game to pick. I'm going to have to take GB even though Favre is old, Green is broken, and Walker is overrated. Detroit can draft all the WRs it wants, but it still has to stop someone on defense and I don't think their D is going to stop Favre and company this week.

Dallas (+4.5)
@ San Diego -- I think San Diego will win this game, but it will be close. I'm only picking San Diego because its Week 1. If this game were to be played in Week 10, it may be a different story. I think that San Diego was a fluke last year and will come down to reality again this year. Meanwhile, Dallas will make the playoffs even though they have Bledsoe at QB. I just don't think they can pull it together enough to get a tough road win this week.

St. Louis (-4.5) @ San Francisco -- This game should be an absolute blowout. San Francisco is a disaster this year.

Arizona @ Giants (-1.5) -- I really want to pick the Cardinals, but they are the Cardinals. I definitely don't trust Eli Manning to get this win, but Tiki Barber should have a good day against a weak Cards D. Kurt Warner not only has to prove that he can still win games, but also that he can still throw a pass. I have to go with the Giants here because I hate Kurt Warner's wife.

Indy @ Baltimore (+3) -- This is the Catheter Man Upset Special. I think that Baltimore will make it a point to punish Manning to the point where all the fantasy owners that took him high in drafts will start questioning their own manhood. Baltimore's D is going to be sick like the plague this year. If Kyle Boller can do anything on offense, this is going to be a team to be reckoned with. With a D this good, I can't resist taking Baltimore as home dogs.

Philly (-2) @ Hotlanta -- I hate to take Philly in this game, but I just don't think that Atlanta can hang with them yet. Vick is such a bad passer that he ruined Peerless Price's career. Think about that. Philly wins in a close game.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

I am officially unemployable

Today I decided that enough was enough. It was time to drop the search for my dream job (or any job I am remotely interested in or qualified for) and waive the white flag. I called a staffing agency (aka: headhunter) to try and help me get a job. I don't have many requirements, but here's what I want: 1) full time (with benefits), 2) normal working hours (in other words not the night shift), 3) salary, 4) my own desk, computer, and phone line, 5) metro-accessible. Thats it. I don't care what I am doing or who I am working for or even how much I make. I just want a job. You would think that all of those criteria would be pretty standard (except for the metro-accessible part), but I have learned from experience that companies will try and fuck you out of those things. With this in mind, I thought that I could send my overqualifications to a headhunter and be able to get some sort of job pretty quickly.

I sent my resume to this place on Friday and called them this morning to check and see if I could come in and talk to someone about placing me somewhere. The voice on the other end of the phone said that someone would be reviewing my resume and then they would call me if they wanted. As of now, I have still not been contacted and I can only assume that if they do not contact you almost immediately, your shit has probably been filed in the garbage. So there it is. I was shot down by a headhunter. I have been shot down by 2 temp agencies in my day also. Par for the course.

The way things are going, I am going to have to apply to be a waiter at an Irish pub near my apartment, but I really don't have the heart to get shot down there right now.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Every decision I ever make is wrong (aka: The Costanza Post) (aka: The Annual Fantasy Football Rundown) (aka: Dr. Phil raped me at a wedding).

As some of you may know, I have been participating in fantasy football since early in High School. In fact, I made perhaps the best fantasy football trade of all time (Rodney Peete for Troy Aikman straight up. I convinced Nick Park that Peete got a lot of rushing yards). For all this experience, I think the closest I have ever come to winning was second place twice. I don't see it getting much better this year without a healthy dose of luck, a few more hurricanes, and perhaps a team plane crash.

This year, as has been the norm in the last three, I am in two fantasy football leagues. One is a keeper league, where I basically just donate my entry fee every year due to (what else?) some bad luck with running backs. Whether it was Stephen Davis, Charlie Garner, Jamal Lewis, Travis Henry, Thomas Jones or anyone else, there is always some sort of disaster with my RBs. The worst was Jamal Lewis, where I traded for him near the end of the season and he promptly got injured for an entire year (so I couldn't justify keepering him). This year was no different. We kept 3 players, none of mine were RBs.

The other league is a non-keeper league, where I have had some the draft. In this 12 man league, I have drafted 1st, 1st, and 5th overall prior to this year. What usually happens with this league is that my team looks great after the draft and then through a series of injuries, bad calls, and acts of god, I end up losing a shitload of games. I think I went through a stretch last season where I lost 3 games by less than 8 points combined. Terrible.

***News Flash***
I began writing this post before I went out tonight and now I'm back. I wanted to relay this story to you in case I forgot it. Best line of the night: as we were walking down the street in Georgetown, there is a girl and a guy who are both pretty sloshed (she more than he), he is holding her shoes because I guess it is too much for her to handle high heels in her state. Then we hear this from her, "Wait. How old are you?" To which he replies... wait for it... wait for it... "A senior in high school." She immediately starts audibly having second thoughts and says, "You're too young for me." It turns out that she was 24 and they wound up going back to "his place" anyway, but only after he changed his story to "I'm 21." Either way, I think she was too drunk to realize that he might have had a retainer.

Back to the Fantasy Football...

I'll start with my non-keeper team, so that you aren't too depressed to continue. I took on a new partner this year partially because he wanted to be in our league and there are no open teams and partially because I was sick of losing all my money each year. At least this way I only lose half of what I would have. I took the card to determine draft order and was somewhat disappointed and relieved to have the #6 overall. It was my worst pick ever, but not terrible. The first round went as such:

1) LaDanian Tomlinson
2) Peyton Manning (I thought we were going to have to take him at 6)
3) Shaun Alexander
4) Poop McAllister
5) Dominick Davis, yes, Dominick Davis (thank you Chubbs)
6) Priest Holmes (2nd best Priest ever, 1st being Priest Lauderdale)
7) Randy Moss
8) Daunte Culpepper
9) Edge James
10) Willis McGaywad
11) Clinton Portis
12) Terrell Owens

I was quite extatic to wind up with Holmes at the #6. If he stays healthy, he could power us to the playoffs by himself. That being said, we had to take Grandmama in the later rounds to make sure we didn't get screwed. Here's the rest of our draft in that league.

2) Torry "Big Game" Holt
3) Rudi Johnson
4) Mark Clayton
5) Roy "The Legend" Williams
6) Larry Johnson
7) Matt Hasselbeck
8) Lee Evans
9) Atlanta D
10) Stephen Davis (if he starts, we're golden, like Jesse)
11) Chris Cooley (sleeper alert!)
12) Steve "Air" McNair (Super Sleeper Alert!!!)
13) David Akers
14) Greg Lewis (Super Duper Sleeper Alert!!!!!)
15) Matt Jones (Who is Matt Jones? A freak of nature.)
16) Titans D (this one sucked, but the D we wanted just got taken 1 pick ahead)
17) Onterrio Smith (we didn't realize he was out for the whole year)
18) Billy Volek (gotta back up McNair)

We then dropped Onterrio Smith and picked up the Rams D because they are better than the Titans and they are playing the Niners in week one, so thats our team. I think we have a pretty good shot.

On to my other league.

This was the keeper league. To make a long story short, I wound up having to keep Andre Johnson, Roy Williams, and Tony Gonzalez. Not a great situation to be in. This was compounded by the fact that every other team kept at least 1 running back, mostly 2, and sometimes 3.

Due to a quirk in the rules, although I finished last in the regular season, I was not able to get the first pick in the draft because in order to do so, I would have had to win out in the toilet bowl tournament (a rule that will probably always have the effect of making the best of the worst teams always get the #1 draft pick). Alas, I was guaranteed the #2 pick and managed not to screw that up.

The best of the worst teams kept Culpepper, Dom Davis, and Kevin Jones, so I should have had my choice of the available running backs. Unfortunately, one of the other owners traded up to get the #1 and picked Cadillac Williams (who I probably would have selected). I then bit the proverbial bullet and took Warrick Dunn with my first pick to be my #1 running back. Here's to another year donating money to people who have much more of it than I do.

Here my team in that league. Feel free to laugh at me and throw fecal matter in my general direction as you are reading this.

Trent Green
Kurt Warner

Warrick Dunn
Mike Anderson
Travis Henry
William Green

Andre Johnson
Roy Williams
Deion Branch
Antwaan Randle-el
Braylon Edwards

Tony Gonzalez
Erron Kinney (he will be dropped soon)

Adam Vinatieri
Nate Kaeding

Atl D
Dallas D

So the team is not terrible and I think I could sneak up on some teams, but there is about a snowball's chance in hell that I can win (or make the playoffs) with that squad. There's a better chance of one or all of my running backs eventually not starting this season and me not winning a game (which would be quite an accomplishment) [Editor's note: at the time of this writing, both William Green and Travis Henry have already "lost" their starting jobs]

Neil Weisman moved in two days early.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Rehnquist: Dead

I usually hate to bring up politics on this blog, but now that Rehnquist is dead and the Republicans are going to sneak Roberts onto the Court amid the distraction of their callous disregard for the devastation in New Orleans, I feel I have to. What this ultimately means is that Bush, the same President that brought you the first attack on the continental United States since the Revolutionary war, never finding those responsible for 9/11, a war in Iraq based on tenuous at best justification, and soaring gas prices, gets to appoint another young, white, Christian, male justice to the Supreme Court to help implement the Neo-Conservative Final Solution. We'll probably be back to slavery in the next 30 years if these Justices keep leaving or dying on Bush's watch. Here's to going backwards!

Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't call myself a Democrat either. In fact, I think the two party system has completely undermined the idea of democracy by placing votes for sale to special interests and lobbyists, but the 'Crats are clearly the lesser of two evils here. At least the old school Republicans were fiscally responsible.

Here's my theory: There are only two types of people who voted for Bush:
1) You are a Bible-thumping idiot who hates blacks, gays, and any other minority even though you probably have a gay son or daughter.
2) You are rich and like the sound of tax cuts.

I don't care what anyone says, there are no other reasons to vote for him. If you did, you fall into one of those categories, even if you won't admit it.

What do you think will happen first: Bush will find Bin Laden (or the WMDs in Iraq) or OJ will find the "real killers"? Seriously. Its like one of those Chicken or the Egg enigmas (even though the egg clearly came first -- think dinosaurs).

Rediculous Bet #1

Last night I bet the J-Man $10 that the Redskins would win less than 6 games this year. I originally said the over/under was 4, but he gave me 5 and the under. As many of you know, I have some of the worst luck in the business and the J-Man has some of the best, but this is one of those bets where I hope I'm wrong. Even if I lose the bet, I win in the long run because the Skins will have won more games than I thought.

Of course, this means that the Skins will win 6 games and still suck this year. I guess I failed to take into consideration the last couple of games of the year that they usually win in order to have a worse draft pick, but I think we might have traded our entire draft for a magic bean this year, so they might end up getting a great draft pick only to have squandered it on moving up to get Jason Campbell.