2005 NBA Draft Diary

Welcome to the First Annual Not in those words NBA Draft Diary. I love drafts, especially the NBA draft. Thus, I will continue my tradition of the diary to give my take on such likely events as the possibility of the first white player taken #1 since Kent Benson in 1977, Obese Stern trying to pronounce foreign (and black) names, and the inevitable announcers talking over and then ignoring the Wizards' first pick (#49). Let the fun begin. Milwaukee (Algonquin for "The good land") is on the clock.

To catch you up, earlier today Portland traded the #3 pick to Utah for the #6, the #27, and a conditional 1st round pick from next year. Speculation is that Utah wants to select Deron Williams from Illinois to be their point guard for the next 15 years. If Utah gets him, they will be very good next year. Maybe even playoffs. They just had a shitload of injuries this year and are better than their record suggests.

7:30 -- ESPN coverage begins. Fat boy Stern seems really happy (probably because he knows all the other channels are going to get preempted by the President's spin session).

7:34 -- First mention of Kent Benson. I bet nobody tells us that he was the last white guy taken #1. No balls.

7:35 -- Stephen A. Smith is speaking as if only generally annoyed right now. He probably needs about 7 Red Bulls before he starts yelling at people.

7:36 -- With the first pick, the Milwaukee Bucks select: Andrew Bogut, C, Utah.
White guys are back! He's technically foreign (Australian), but us crackers will adopt him because its been 28 friggin' years. People say he could be the next Vlade (Dadi) Divac. Quite the ceiling. And this guy went #1.

7:39 -- First Stu Scott interview. Since it is a white guy, and a foreigner at that, theres no "Sweet Sassy Molassee" ... yet. We learn that Bogut is Croatian and has an awkward picture of himself at Drazen Petrovic's grave, wearing a Toni Kukoc Bucks jersey. I'm thinking about taking away my white guy designation of him and giving him to the Europeans.

7:42 -- With the 2nd pick, the Atlanta Hawks select Marvin Williams, SF, from UNC.
Ok, this guy came off the bench in college and played less and less as the season wore on. Since the Hawks took him, I'm going to label him: Most likely to be a bust and/or get shot and/or horribly disfigured in a car accident. Utah is on the clock.

7:44 -- First use of the word "long." How funny would it be if Jay Bilas was like, "Marvin Williams is just hung like an ox!"?

7:45 -- Dickie V needs to check his shorts for skidmarks.

7:46 -- Marvin Williams' favorite show is apparently "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air." I don't even have a joke here.

7:47 -- With the 3rd pick, the Utah Jazz select Deron Williams, PG, Illinois.
Good pick. Stern looked like he either couldn't read the name right away or had a small stroke before he said "Deron." I'm hoping for the latter. Shit, this draft is flying by so far. I guess these teams all knew who they wanted and who they were going to get anyway.

7:49 -- Deron Williams is going to be a star. He already has the requisite hot, white, blonde wife and daughter. Best pick so far. Hornets are on the clock.

7:52 -- With the 4th pick, the New Orleans Hornets select Chris Paul, PG, Wake Forest.
Another solid pick. As Paul goes for the mandatory Stern handshake, we see that Fatass Stern didn't even wear a suit for this, one of two occasions that the public sees him. He went with the sport coat and khaki pants. Maybe he couldn't get his wardrobe let out for tonight. Anyway, Paul is a great repalacement for Baron Davis.

7:55 -- Chris Paul's brother is apparently going to be his manager. He actually said that he just graduated college and has a lot of time on his hands. If you think these guys are not going crazy in New Orleans, you're nuts. Chris mentions that something called the Essence Festival is going on there next week and his parents are coming down for it. I don't know what that is, but it can't be wholesome family entertainment. Charlotte is on the clock.

7:58 -- With the 5th pick, the Charlotte Bobcats select Raymond Felton, PG, UNC.
I don't love this pick at all. It may be a need for them right now, but there have to be better players out there. I probably would have gone with a scorer. Portland is on the clock. Quick, who is the best headcase available?

8:00 -- We have the first official cutaway where I'm wondering if that was Felton's mom, his wife/girlfriend/baby mama, or his sister. I'm guessing his mom.

8:03 -- I don't care how much media hype there is or how crazy Tom Cruise is, I'm still not seeing War of the Worlds. And can Hollywood come up with a movie that isn't a sequel or a remake this year? Please?

8:06 -- With the 6th pick, the Portland Trail Blazers select Martell Webster, G, HS.
Apparently, his mom "disappeared" when he was 4 years old and he was raised by his extended family. I couldn't even make that up. I have never seen him play, but I think he will get extended bong practice with his "long" frame in Portland. He reminds Jay of a young Dale Ellis. What does that even mean? 3 consecutive years that Portland takes a high schooler in the first round. They are apparently playing for 2009. This guy is destined to be a bust. Toronto is on the clock.

8:10 -- A cutaway of what has to be his Grandmother, wearing what can only be described as a jaunty chef's hat or a windshield cover. Thats the first real fashion no no of this year. ESPN should bring in a Joan and Melissa Rivers-like team to make fun of anyone like that. Yes, even 82 year old grandmothers.

8:12 -- With the 7th pick, the Torono Raptors select Charlie Villanueva, F, UConn.
Immediately becomes the frontrunner for the 2006 NBA lack of eyebrows of the year award. I think people knew that Toronto wanted Villanueva, but nobody knows why. He was never even that good in college. Stephen A. Smith is steaming right now. The Knicks are on the clock. I can't wait to see how Isaiah screws this up. I'm guessing he goes with Channing Frye, a guy with a possible upside as high as being the next Brendan Haywood.

8:16 -- Stu Scott just asked if Brooklyn was in the house. Cutaway of Spike Lee. Apparently, Brooklyn is, indeed, in the house.

8:18 -- To a raucous Garden crowd, with the 8th pick, the New York Knicks select Channing Frye, C, Arizona. Thank you Isaiah. B-U-S-T. He's garbage. I don't care what the "experts" say. If he couldn't average 8 rebounds in college, he's soft. Warriors are on the clock.

8:21 -- We learn from Stu-pot that Channing Frye thought Hoosiers was "ok." If a freaking BASKETBALL PLAYER does not get fired up when he watches that movie, you know he's going to be a bust.

8:23 -- You know what is weird? Neither the Clippers nor the Wizards have drafted yet. That has to be some sort of lottery record.

8:25 -- With the 9th pick, the Golden State Warriors select Ike Diogu, PF, ASU. Ike is not here.
You gotta love all players named Ike. He's a rebounder, which is what they need since they start Troy Murphy, Ally McDunleavy, and Adonal Foyle currently. Now that is a shitty front line if I've ever heard one. The Lakers are on the clock. Would they draft that other high school kid?

8:28 -- There's that Coach K commercial again. We haven't had one Dukie drafted yet. And we probably won't until the 2nd round. Daniel Ewing, not Shavlik "my balls" Randolph.

8:30 -- With the 10th pick, the Los Angeles Lakers select Andrew Bynum, C, HS.
Wow, not the high schooler I was talking about, but a decent one. Is he the next Shaq? Probably not. But he's probably better than whatever stiff they have in there right now. Still, I would have gone with Granger or Green. That way, they could havemade some trades. Of course, they could be making a trade here. Of note, he's the youngest player ever drafted in the 1st round. Also, he made the Priest Lauderdale annual migration from the crowd, rather than the green room. Who knows what is going on here? Orlando is on the clock.

8:35 -- Whenever I see Mitch Kupchak, I want to call him Teddy KGB. 3 stacks of high society, please.

8:37 -- With the 11th pick, the Orlando Magic select Fran Vazquez, F, Spain.
Excuse me, is this the WNBA draft? Fran? I guess this is a good pick, but he looks a little light in the ass to me. Must Improve: Genitalia. The Clippers are on the clock.

8:40 -- Yes! A translator interview. Stuart asks two of the most boring questions ever. You know Stu, the translator speaks English also. You can ask normal questions. Como se dice "Boo Yaa?"

8:43 -- My list of best available players: Gerald Green, Danny Granger, Sean May.

8:44 -- With the 12th pick, the Los Angeles Clippers select Yaroslav Korolev, F, Russia. Never heard of him. Seeing as the Clippers took him, he's definitely going to be a bust. The Bobcats are back on the clock.

8:47 -- Dickie V is having a shit fit about Green, Granger, and May all being bypassed.

8:49 -- Stephen A. Smith just had a shit fit about May and McCants not being selected.

8:50 -- With the 13th pick, the Charlotte Bobcats select Sean May, F, UNC.
Um...ok. Don't they have Okafor? I'm not sure where they are going with this pick, but I guess you could play them both at the same time in the East. Minnesota is on the clock. So Charlotte is trying to fill their building by picking all home state guys? Why not Granger? Whoever gets Granger and Garcia to a lesser extent are going to get the steals of the draft.

8:55 -- With the 14th pick, the Minnesota Timberwolves select Rashad McCants, G, UNC.
Well, it looks like Dickie V's spaz attack worked. All the UNC guys are gone. This is a good pick for the T-Wolves. Now maybe they can move Wally Szczezrzbzbizazkz since Garnett hates him. The New Jersey/Brooklyn Nets are on the clock. Who is the best undersized, unathletic stiff available?

9:02 -- With the 15th pick, the Nets select Antione Wright, G, Texas A&M.
I don't know much about this guy, but is he going to help their crap frontcourt? No. I'm not sure why they need another guard on this team. Wright's brother is in jail and his favorite food is Tacos. Interesting. The Raptors are back on the clock. I bet they take Green. Everyone compares him to T-Mac, so the Raptors would love that.

9:07 -- With the 16th pick, the Toronto Raptors select Joey Graham, F, Oklahoma St. Ok, I was wrong about this pick. This is another guy I don't know much about, but he's apparently a great athlete. So he's got that going for him, which is nice. He is my official most likely to die in a firey plane crash pick, as he owns a private pilot's license. Indiana is on the clock.

9:12 -- With the 17th pick, the Pacers select Danny Granger, F, New Mexico.
The Pacers immediately become playoff locks next year. They are going to be nasty. I don't even want to think about it. The Wizards will now be swept by the Pacers, Heat, and Pistons. Great. At least we have the 49th pick. By the way, Granger is the best Jehova's Witness we've seen since a young Michael Jackson in 1964. You think he and Artest will get along? The Celtics are on the clock.

9:17 -- With the 18th pick, the Boston Celtics select Gerald Green, F, HS.
The Celts go back to the High School well. He's supposed to be amazing, however he is almost 20 and still in high school? He should be fun to watch. You have to pick him here. He just said that if he didn't get his education, his mom would probably hit him in the back of the head with something. Cute. Now all of my best available are gone. Next up, Grizzle-two-fizzle.

9:23 -- This draft isn't nearly as fun when your team does not have a first round pick (and you've never seen most of these guys play).

9:24 -- With the 19th pick, Memphis selects the last player in the green room, Hakim Warrick, F, Syracuse.
His mother's name is Queen Warrick. Great name. She's a killaaaaa Queeeeeeen, dynamite with a laser beam... He's a small forward in this league. Really athletic. Great shooter. Killed my bracket (although I still got 2nd in my pool [it is the year of the Catheter]). I like this pick. Best player available. Next up, the Denver Nuggets (this is Washington's pick. I have no idea how it got to Denver, but I think it might have to do with the Chris Webber trade.

9:29 -- Biggest stock drop today, the next Arvydas Sabonis, some 7'2" foreigner who was projected in the top 5 a few months ago.

9:31 -- With the 20th pick, the Denver Nuggets select Julius Hodge, G, NC State.
Hodge comes out of the crowd as well. This is another good pick. He's a baller. He powered NC State in the tourney this year and knows how to win. Hopefully he doesn't get lost in Carmelo's wake in Denver. Bar none, best suit in the draft in the last few years. Its sort of a cream colored number with a white shirt and a cream tie. Not since Samaki Walker have wee seen a get-up like that. The Suns are on the clock.

9:37 -- With the 21st pick, the Phoenix Suns select Nate Robinson, G, Washington.
I could have sworn that the Suns had Steve Nash. Robinson is good, but I would not have drafted him here. I think I would go with the Sabonis guy even though he's European. Oh, this is apparently a pick for the Knicks to send Quentin Richardson and him for Kurt Thomas. I'm not sure I understand that for either side. The Nuggets are on the clock again. Come to think of it, this could be the Wizards pick.

9:41 -- The little puppet in the LeBron Sprite commercials is just a rip off of Lil' Penny.

9:43 -- With the 22th pick, the Nuggets select Jarrett Jack, G, Georgia Tech.
Dickie V has his pants around his ankles right now. I like Jack. He's another one of those good point guards coming out this year. Tech always does produce good point guards, so he's worth taking a shot on. The Nuggets could be pretty good in a couple of years. Bold statement there, right? Sacramento is on the clock. They have to take the foreign guy. They love those foreigners (and the band Foreigner).

9:47 -- This draft is starting to drag some serious ass. I wish I had some Diet Coke.

9:51 -- With the 23rd pick, the Kings select Francisco Garcia, G, Louisville.
Great pick. I love his value at this spot. Plus, he's a foreigner, so he'll fit in well in Sacto. I also think we are officially at the point where I won't really like the rest of the players taken in the first round. Houston is on the clock.

9:53 -- With the 24th pick, the Houston Rockets select Luther Head, G, Illinois.
He's good I guess. I have nothing else to say about him. Boring. Seattle is on the clock. Bilas just said they should take the Sabonis guy.

9:59 -- With the 25th pick, Seattle takes Johan Petro, C, France.
He's in the crowd also! This guy is the best Frenchman we've seen since Frederic Weis. He's a good pick. He'll probably be better than Robert Swift, who should be called Robert Stiff. Detriot (What?!) is on the clock.

10:02 -- Do you ever wonder what ever happened to Another Bad Creation? Ayesha was a classic. I'd love to know what RoRo is up to these days.

10:05 -- With the 26th pick, the Detroit Pistons select Jason Maxiell, F, Cincinnati.
Clearly, Detriot needed a thug. I shit you not, the chyron said, "Must Improve: Skill Level." Classic. Must Improve: Not Sucking. Portland is on the clock again.

10:10 -- With the 27th pick, the Jail Blazers select Linas Kleiza, F, Missouri.
Yet another guy I have never heard of. Looks like a spaz. Of course, since the Blazers took him, Bilas notes that he has "not always been coachable." He should fit in perfectly with the mess that is brewing up there. San Antonio is on the clock.

10:16 -- With the 28th pick, the Spurs take Ian Mahinmi, F, France.
Another Frenchman in the crowd! Needless to say, I know nothing about this guy, except that they just said he was a volleyball player. Must Improve: Choice of sport. Miami is on the clock.

10:23 -- With the 29th pick, the Miami Heat select Wayne Simien, F, Kansas.
Sweet. Injury Injury Johnson. I guess its a good pick down at 29, but this guy gets injured more than the J-man's brother. Next up, the final pick of the first round: the New York Knicks are on the clock.

10:28 -- With the 30th pick of the 2005 NBA draft, the Knicks select David Lee, F, Florida.
White guy alert! White guy alert! So we begin and end the first round with a white guy. Quite a historic draft. Frankly, I'm too tired to write anything else about him.

10:30 -- Thank god that crap is over. I have to take the dog out before she shits all over the floor. Hopefully I'll be back in time to see the Wiz take some crappy guard, rather than the frontcourt help that they need. The second round will be conducted by second in command stiff, Russ Granik. FIRE BAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!