Catheter Man: Major F'ing Star?

Since I have no discernable job skills to offer any profitable company, I have been combing the job boards for positions I can do (I'm up to application #120 now!). One listing on Craig's List intrigued me and I figured I could take a stab at it. The headline read: LOOKING FOR RUGGED, SEMI-FEARLESS MALE AGE 20-28 FOR TV SERIES. I'm rugged, 27, male, and semi-fearless. That sounds like me. I read on:

New series seeking 20-28 year-old male who is willing to sacrifice body in Jackass/Wildboys-esque fashion. Extremely reputable network needs someone who is likeable and loves to have fun. Must be available 2-3 days a week (usually weekdays, but not always) from the end of July through December.

I'm not sure if I'm likeable, but I am willing to hurt myself on camera for the enjoyment of others. Hell, I was the 1998 King of Spring Break. Bottom line: 2-3 days a week sounds like the perfect work schedule for me. Especially if I can make like $500 every time I walk into the building (like the anchors on NBA.comTV). Even if I can't, I would be on fucking tv! How sweet would that be? Of course, I kind of like being anonymous. I live by the words of the immortal Tupac Shakur: "All I want is money, fuck the fame. I'm a simple man."

So I e-mailed the appropriate people with a short letter of interest outlining the facts that I've had the same fraternity hazing as such reality stars as Judd Winick (Real World SF), Randy and Jason Sklar (Cheap Seats), and Adam "Average Joe" Mesh. I also told them how Rob Miller once said that I am the second funniest person he knows. Included were pictures of me with Michael Jordan (a statue of him), me with a Ferrari, and me dressed as Eazy-E on Halloween. I knew that Jheri Curl wig would come in handy.

So I get an e-mail today that they want me to come in and audition. The funny part is that the guy that sent me the email was a good friend of my sister in high school. If I get this gig, I'll finally be ready to forgive her for the fact that she never had any hot friends. So next Tuesday, after my dentist appointment, I'll be auditioning for a show that will probably require me to injure myself weekly. I can think of nothing I'd rather do. Wish me luck.