Sporks Rule! ( a collection of random thoughts)

Dear Mr. Stern,

Wipe that disgusting, fat, smug grin off your face. You know why? Because your sport is about 3 steps away from becoming as irrelevant as hockey on the American sports scene. People see through your not-so-brilliantly hatched schemes to try and get the marquee teams to win and series to go on longer. Ooh, I bet you were steamed that the Lakers AND the Knicks were out of the playoffs this year. No amount of bad officiating is going to change their records. So people don't trust your obese ass anymore because your sport is about half a Heenan away from being professional wrestling, only not nearly as entertaining. Will this be your ultimate legacy, you fat fuck?

I did not watch one minute of the finals this year. Not even game 7. Not even your Jared-before-Subway, double-chinned ass saying "NBA Champeeeeens." I don't give a shit about your league because you have pretty much ruined it. Plus, you are an egotistical douchebag with a son that has a ridiculous nervous tick.

Yours in Christ,

Catheter Man

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My girlfriend just ordered HBO (I refuse to pay for it, but she takes the cable bill, so have at it). Anyhoo, I saw The Entourage for the first time last night. Absolutely brilliant. I did not even need an explanation of the story behind the series. About 5 minutes into the show, I knew what every character was about. Furthermore, this one show had possibly the best list of guest stars ever. And half of the show was filmed at the Playboy Mansion [as god as my witness, if I do anything in this life, I will have a swimming pool with a grotto]. So here are the guest stars from this episode: Hugh Hefner, Ralph Macchio, Danny Masterson, and Pauly Shore. A virtual Murderer's Row of the Hollywood community. It does not even matter what the show was about, I'd pay $15 a month for a Ralph Macchio channel. Anyway, I have to get into this show, especially if I get this part on the Discovery Channel Show (which I won't because people with an opportunity to make my life better usually laugh at me, and then spit in my pudding). So watch The Entourage. After one show I'm hooked. If only I knew when it aired normally.

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Here's something I noticed recently: guys don't use nearly as many dishes or silverware as girls. If I wasn't on my diet right now, there is a good chance that 92% of my meals would come from Chipotle or some other fast food or delivery place. That drastically cuts down on the dishes. Since I am on the diet, my meals mostly consist of oatmeal and Ramen noodles. 1 bowl for the oatmeal. 1 pot for the noodles. That's it. They don't have to be washed because I just rinse them out and put the same thing in them the next time, so no harm, no foul. My girlfriend uses approximately 8 full place settings per meal (and then asks me why there are dishes in the sink). Guys are clearly the more industrious eaters. (I'm not even sure what that means).

I have decided that males ultimately need 1 pot, 1 bowl, maybe 2 or 3 plates (if you have friends over), and 20 glasses (for drinking booze). Silverware is not necessary at all, as most deliver places give you it for free. Anything else, you can eat with your hands (or a spork). Speaking of a spork, my favorite dish that I never eat is the cajun rice from Popeye's Chicken (the official chicken of the Washington Redskins). That shit rules! (I was reminded of it because Popeye's is one of the very few places outside of an elementary school cafeteria that gives you a spork.)

Sporks Rule!