An Honest Cover Letter

I think the worst part about trying to find a job is society's acceptance of the embellishment, tweaking, and out and out lying that goes on in cover letters and resumes (not to mention classified ads). Nowadays (great word), Secretaries are Administrative Assistants and receptionists are First Impression Officers. Its all just a load of BS. Why can't we, as a society, do away with all of this crap and just tell the truth. Things would be so much easier that way.

As a first step, I have decided to create a truthful cover letter (with most identifying names left out). Lets say I'm trying to become a sports agent (which I am). The letter may go something like this.



Dear ridiculously wealthy agent with a small staff and/or giant conglomerate with a huge sports department,

My name is Catheter Man and I recently graduated from a mediocre law school. I would like to know if you are so hard up to hire someone that you would consider looking at an unsolicited email and possibly even responding to it. My goal is to eventually become a certified NFL agent, however I am willing to start at the bottom and stay there until everyone above me either dies or leaves the company. And no, I don't have any clients or friends who are athletes, but I was in an English critique group with a certain two-time Superbowl MVP in college.

I graduated from one of the top three State Universities in 1999 with a degree in drinking 5 to 6 nights a week and womanizing. Of course, by womanizing, I mean trying to womanize but only partially succeeding most of the time. After that, I worked for a large sports entertainment company prior to enrolling in law school. The reason I left said company was because after finally working my way to a full time position with benefits (after beginning on the night shift, part time), it was going to be at least another year before I could get on salary and do a job I could have done in high school (it had been about 2 and 1/2 years already). Plus, I hated commuting to New Jersey every day. During college, I also completed internships with two other sports-related companies. It was during this time that I developed my skill for mindless data entry and hatred for manual labor.

Since I went to law school, you can be assured that I'm not a complete idiot. I will be able to understand contractual language and other legal matters that surround the sports industry. Since I am not working for a big firm, making six figures right now, you can be assured that I am a partial idiot. I will be able to drink the most without vomiting at all company happy hours and Christmas parties. Furthermore, I took a sports law class in which I created a contract proposal for a current NFL player, so I can basically already do half of your job (and trust me, it wasn't that hard). I also took a negotiation class and own my own copy of the book "Getting to Yes."

Please let me know if there are any positions in your firm for which I may be a good candidate. I know you probably look at it like my salary comes directly out of your pocket, but I'm not really asking for much (just enough to pay the rent and feed the dog). I would really appreciate a chance to talk with you about any opportunity. I will not be calling you because from the amount of time it took me to finally locate your website, it seems like you don't want people to know your company exists. If you have any questions, you can reach me at (202) xxx-xxxx or catheterman@hotmail.com. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Catheter Man
Attachment: Resume