I am one sexy bitch

According to My Heritage.com, I am pretty damn good looking. They have this thing where you can upload your picture and the computer scans it and compares your face with its database of celebrities. So who did I get? My top matches were: for males -- Elvis Presley (61% match). For females -- Maria Sharapova (53% match). I guess that means that if Elvis and Maria Sharapova ever had a kid, it would look like me. So I got that going for me, which is nice.

Stay Tuned

I'm sick of looking at that Christmas Post, but I have no real news to report on the job front. If I don't get something by the 1st, I have a plan in the works: Hungry for Work 2006. Lets hope it doesn't come to that.

Merry Fucking Christmas

Well, as usual, when I put my life in the hands of others, they disappoint me. After going on a few interviews in the last couple of weeks, I actually had a call back of sorts with one company. The director told me that they would let me know by the end of the (this) week. Here I am a week later and down to a pittance in my bank account and still no word from them. I don't want to call because then I would likely lose the mirage of a possibility of a job and then I would likely spend Christmas playing Edward Jaeger Hands (instead of 40s, using Jaeger bottles), cutting myself, and watching vomit porn until I pass out. This, of course, would be pretty awkward because my girlfriend's 13 year old brother and their mom will be here.

So have yourself a merry fucking Christmas and remember: if you see those Salvation Army Bell Ringers do not, under ANY circumstances, make eye contact.

Cheers.

Golden Globe Preview

Since I have nothing better to do today and I haven't posted in a while, I decided to make a Golden Globe Awards Preview post. Admittedly, I have never watched the Golden Globes, I probably haven't seen 95% of the movies nominated, and I absolutely hate awards shows. So this should be pretty accurate. So sit back, get your industrial sized popcorn, and enjoy the post.

1. BEST MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

a. BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
b. THE CONSTANT GARDENER
c. GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK
d. A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE
e. MATCH POINT

Ok, I haven't seen any of these and I have never even heard of 2 of them. Clearly not a good year for movies. I am suprised that Walk The Line didn't get nominated. Ray for rednecks got screwed. And for the record, I'm not ever going to see Brokeback Mountain. It isn't because I'm homophobic (who is scared of gay people). Its because I am so secure in my sexuality that I don't have to go see some crappy love story that I never would have seen if it was a straight couple just to prove that I am down with the butt pirates. All that being said, Brokeback Mountain still wins because I just have no idea about the others.


2. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

a. MARIA BELLO
A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE
b. FELICITY HUFFMAN
TRANSAMERICA
c. GWYNETH PALTROW
PROOF
d. CHARLIZE THERON
NORTH COUNTRY
e. ZIYI ZHANG
MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA

Easiest pick on the board. Charlize Theron made herself ugly to play this role, so she automatically wins. Its the male equivalent of playing a tard in a movie. And no, I didn't see any of these flicks.

3. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA

a. RUSSELL CROWE
CINDERELLA MAN
b. PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN
CAPOTE
c. TERRENCE HOWARD
HUSTLE & FLOW
d. HEATH LEDGER
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
e. DAVID STRATHAIRN
GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK

I really want to go with Philip Seymour Hoffman in this one, but the field is too strong. Since I didn't actually see any of these performances, I'm going to go with Heath Ledger to win because much like Chicago winning a ton of Oscars, Brokeback Mountain could ensure that the movie industry becomes even gayer in the next few years.

4. BEST MOTION PICTURE - MUSICAL OR COMEDY

a. MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS
Heyman Hoskins Prods.; The Weinstein Company
b. PRIDE & PREJUDICE
Working Title Prods.; Focus Features/StudioCanal
c. THE PRODUCERS
Brooksfilms; Universal Pictures/Columbia Pictures
d. THE SQUID AND THE WHALE
American Empirical/Peter Newman – Internal; Samuel Goldwyn Films/Sony Pictures Releasing International
e. WALK THE LINE
Twentieth Century Fox; Twentieth Century Fox

This category really pisses me off. First of all, there are no comedies represented. I know the producers is probably funny, but its a musical. And why does comedy have to share a category with musical? Making something that is truly funny is so much harder than, say, remaking King Kong for the third time, or making a musical into a movie. Anyway, enough of my rant. This is a tough call with The Producers and Walk The Line. I'm going with The Producers because it is a musical and a comedy. The funniest thing in Walk the Line was when I farted pretty loudly halfway through it.

5. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE - MUSICAL OR COMEDY

a. JUDI DENCH
MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS
b. KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
PRIDE & PREJUDICE
c. LAURA LINNEY
THE SQUID AND THE WHALE
d. SARAH JESSICA PARKER
THE FAMILY STONE
e. REESE WITHERSPOON
WALK THE LINE

This is an easy one also. We have the classic token British actress. We have a horseface. And then we have baboon face. Reese Witherspoon in a walk.

6. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE -MUSICAL OR COMEDY

a. PIERCE BROSNAN
THE MATADOR
b. JEFF DANIELS
THE SQUID AND THE WHALE
c. JOHNNY DEPP
CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY
d. NATHAN LANE
THE PRODUCERS
e. CILLIAN MURPHY
BREAKFAST ON PLUTO
f. JOAQUIN PHOENIX
WALK THE LINE

This is a tough one. So many names. I think that if The Producers is going to win best musical or comedy, then the voters will give this one to Joaquin Phoenix.

7. BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

a. KUNG FU HUSTLE (CHINA)
b. MASTER OF THE CRIMSON ARMOR aka THE PROMISE (CHINA)
c. JOYEUX NOEL (MERRY CHRISTMAS) (FRANCE)
d. PARADISE NOW (PALESTINE)
e. TSOTSI (SOUTH AFRICA)

I'm tempted to go with Kung Fu Hustle, but I don't think a kung fu movie would ever win an award, so I'm going with Tsotsi, in the hope that I hear that name as often as I heard Thoth. Thoth!

8. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

a. SCARLETT JOHANSSON
MATCH POINT
b. SHIRLEY MacLAINE
IN HER SHOES
c. FRANCES McDORMAND
NORTH COUNTRY
d. RACHEL WEISZ
THE CONSTANT GARDENER
e. MICHELLE WILLIAMS
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

Again, since I didn't actually see any of these films, I'm going to go with my instinct that voters like to shake it up with the supporting actress category. That is why I'm picking Rachel Weisz even though I don't even know who she is.

9. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

a. GEORGE CLOONEY
SYRIANA
b. MATT DILLON
CRASH
c. WILL FERRELL
THE PRODUCERS
d. PAUL GIAMATTI
CINDERELLA MAN
e. BOB HOSKINS
MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS

As much as I'd love to see Will Ferrell win this award and as much as I think Paul Giamatti might get it because he didn't get anything for Sideways, I'm going with Clooney. I actually did see Crash, but I didn't even remember that Matt Dillon was in it until just now.

10. BEST DIRECTOR - MOTION PICTURE

a. WOODY ALLEN
MATCH POINT
b. GEORGE CLOONEY
GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK
c. PETER JACKSON
KING KONG
d. ANG LEE
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
e. FERNANDO MEIRELLES
THE CONSTANT GARDENER
f. STEVEN SPIELBERG
MUNICH

There's no way Clooney wins for directing, right? That puts Ang Lee, Peter Jackson, and Spielberg in a tight race for this one. Voters usually like to give one film a ton of awards and I think that is going to be Brokeback Mountain this year. So Ang Lee, practice your acceptance speech.

Those are about all the awards that people care about and I don't feel like writing any more, so thats all folks.

Yahoo Fantasy Profile

The J-Man told me about this last night and I had to check it out. You can see every fantasy team you ever had on Yahoo in your Fantasy Profile page. There is even a trophy case! Here is a list of some of the names of my teams.

Thug Life
The Olsen Twins
Fish on Head
Mr. Furley
The Wobbley A's
Wet Like a Peach
Juwanna Mann
Frankencoby
Get off the shed!
Wet Burritos
Jesse and the Rippers
Shamgod Wells
The UNlucky Pierres
Dirty Sams
The Crips
I had sex with your wife
Napolean in Rags
Kitichai Kongtong
Blanket Jackson
Project X
Special Ed -- Yaaaaaaaay!
Your mom goes to college


I am clearly disturbed.

Getting a Job

After recently applying for my 183rd job, I decided to get a little help from the source of all things good and true: the internet(s). When I typed "how to find a job" into the Yahoo search engine, the first page that came up was "THE 50 cent HOW TO GET A JOB LECTURE OR EMPLOYERS HIRE PEOPLE THEY LIKE WHO THEY BELIEVE WILL FIT INTO THEIR ORGANIZATION." First of all, dude, stop screaming at me. Secondly, what does 50 Cent know about getting a job? Reading on, I learned that unfortunately, this site has nothing to do with Curtis Jackson (if that is Fiddy's real name). What follows are some highlights from this site and my reactions to them. Enjoy.

Suggestion #1:
KEEP A LOG

* Dates
* Places You Go
* Names of the People You Meet
* Impressions-What Happened?

Done and done. And I mean done. We're 183 jobs into the log. It ain't helping.

Suggestion #2:
Humans are afraid of people they do not know and humans take care of their buddies. It has been suggested that as many as 7 out 10 positions are filled through personal contacts. The better the job and the better the pay, the greater the chance it will be offered through a personal contact. If this is true, job seekers would be wise to make a list of every person they know and contact them for assistance finding a job.

With the exception of the J-man, why haven't you assholes found me a job yet??!?! This is clearly your fault. And after all I've done for you (probably nothing). For shame. For shame.

Suggestion #3:
Be aware of your appearance. Extremely beautiful people, with charming personalities who smell good, are well groomed and neatly dressed, have little trouble getting job offers. The rest of us should look in the mirror or ask someone we trust for an honest opinion of the image we are projecting. We can determine what outfit to wear by looking at what other employees wear to work. Would not jeans be more appropriate than a blue suit if applying for work on a farm?

Are you calling me ugly? Fuck you, asshole. I may not "smell attractive" or "wash my underwear" or "wear socks" or "fully chew my food" or "refrain from masturbating during an interview" or "make eye contact" or "show up sober" when I go to a potential employer, but that doesn't mean that I'm not qualified.

Suggestion #5:
How we fill out an application is as important as the information we put down. We must follow directions, be neat, complete and avoid spelling errors. The complete application is a reflection of how we deal with paper.

If you are too dumb to fucking fill out an application properly, you are too dumb to figure out the internet(s), so this one is pretty superfluous.

And finally...

Suggestion #6:
A short thank you note reminds the employer that we have applied for a job. We can express appreciation for the courtesy of an interview and confirm that we are interested in the position. If we do not hear from the employer within a reasonable period of time, we can always stop by and remind the employer we are still interested. You can say something like, "Just stopped by to say hello. I know you are busy. I do not want to be a pest, but I do not want you to forget me." If you really want the job, you can continue to make follow-up contacts until the employer hires you or tells you clearly that you are not being considered.

Or until they get security to escort you out of the building using "any means necessary" and leaving you in a crumpled, sobbing heap on the sidewalk with a rope belt, urine-soaked pants, and a half-finished bottle of Wild Irish Rose in your angry fist (not that that's ever happened to me).

So, as you can tell, I am getting pretty frustrated with this whole "working" situation. If not for selling textbooks on the internet, being an assistant swimming pool technician, winning money playing internet poker, and being an extra in movies, I'd be in deep dung right now. As it is, I am pretty fucked. If I don't get a job by New Year's, I'm seriously going to start hanging out at those day laborer stands.

I know a secret...

If you act now, you can own a home in North Bethesda with its very own slave quarters. Yes, the cabin pictured above was the former home of Josiah Henson -- the slave whose 1849 autobiography was the model for Harriet Beecher Stowe's classic novel (and hair band Warrant's early 90's hit), "Uncle Tom's Cabin."

So what would you expect to pay for a house like this? Granted, a personal slave quarters is priceless, but this house is just an example of the rediculous real estate prices around here. Any guesses?


It is listed at $990,000.

Random Sports News

I can already hear the collective groan coming from my female readers (if I have any). Yes, two sports posts in a row. Don't worry, once I get this one out of my system, I'll dispense with the dick and fart jokes post haste. But there are a few things I want to say. So, as the great Tyrone Biggums said, "If there is hate in your heart, let it out!"

The first item is actually not a sarcastic, hate filled rant about anything. I am actually psyched about a trade that one of my teams made. That's right. The Nationals traded for Alphonso Soriano, only the best second baseman in the game. And I'd like to put my catheter of approval on this move by giving him his nickname (I don't know if anyone has done this yet, so indulge me. Henceforth, Soriano will be known as:
The Fonz!
I realize that this is the same nickname I may or may not have given LaPhonso Ellis, but he's clearly not using it right now. So blow me.

Speaking of the trends I started and the NBA, David Stern is trying to legislate long shorts out of the game by fining players who don't comply with the official league shorts length requirements. Yes, there is such a thing. I actually had a poster that detailed the NBA dress code until my dog made mince meat out of it. By the way, what the hell is mince meat? Stern is out of control. He's becoming an old racist Jewish grandfather. First it was the suit requirement off the court (which I understand, but don't like), then its this. Mr. Stern, I hope you are not trying to go back to the early 80's style (when nobody watched the NBA, I might add), because nobody wants to see this.

In other NBA news, I did a random Yahoo fantasy league and my team is off to a slow start. However, Boris Diaw could be the best player in the league. Look at this stat line from his past 5 games:

Pts. Reb. Asst. Blocks Steals
17 8 6 1 3
15 3 9 0 1
14 4 9 4 1
8 8 13 3 1
10 10 5 0 0

The 15 Commandments

I have been participating in fantasy football since high school and since I have never actually won a fantasy football league, this has made me kind of an expert on what not to do during the draft. Of course, usually the knowledge I gain during the course of the season is promptly forgotten about a nanosecond after the Superbowl. So this year, in an attempt to remember some of these pieces of information (and give all of my opponents a look into my drafting strategy), I am writing it down. Hopefully, everyone I play against will forget about this post come August. And now, onto Catheter Man's Rules for Drafting a Fantasy Football Team*.

*Rules only apply to non-keeper leagues. Void where prohibited.


1) Know the scoring rules of your league. It sounds simple, but there are often quirks that make certain positions more (or less) valuable than you might think.

1a) You need at least 2 can't miss running backs. If this means drafting both in the first two rounds, so be it.

2) Take proven veteran wide receivers on stable teams with veteran quarterbacks and good offensive lines.

3) Take a quarterback who has been in the same offense for at least 2 years, with good people around him. Especially offensive line.

4) Don't take any players on a team with a terrible offensive line.

5) Wait on a tight end. They are too unpredictable.

6) Wait on a defense. They are the hardest to predict and don't really vary that much from each other.

7) Wait on a kicker. Same thing applies as above.

8) When in doubt, take the player who has proven he can score in the NFL.

9) Know your coaches (i.e. stay away from Mike Tice's or Mike Shanahan's running backs unless you have no choice).

10) Rookie running backs are risky. Typically only one has a good year.

11) Know who your opponents have picked, especially in the first two rounds.

12) Know your bye week issues and plan for them.

14) When it comes to running backs, back up, back up, back up. You will have injuries.

15) When naming your team it is of the utmost importance (and I can't stress this enough) that you choose either a slang term for some deviant sexual act or a reference to a Will Ferrell movie, character, or skit. This is not negotiable.

March of the Jackasses

The first snowstorm of the year is currently in progress here in DC and as always, the Jackasses are out in force at the supermarkets panicking and buying up all the milk and bread. First of all, we are only going to get a few inches, not a few feet. Anyone who can't live without milk and/or bread for as long as one whole day is a fucking moron.

Ramblings

Rambling time, rambling time, across the USA. Rambling time, Rambling time. Hey Hey!

-- If I had a secret time machine, along with investing all my money in Microsoft, I'd go back to the 50's and play college basketball. I'd be the original White Chocolate. I had a friend who lived in South Africa in high school and they thought he invented the behind the back pass.

-- I recently called the Sprint customer service line and I was clearly talking to someone in Bombay. That really pissed me off. I said I wanted to know my password, not order Lamb Vindaloo!

-- Have you seen these commercials for this new drug to help people with "Restless Leg Disorder"? Are you fucking kidding me? Now people who bounce their knee when sitting have a disorder? The drug companies must be stopped.

-- Anyone who knows me knows I hate talking on the phone. I think I realized why. Over at least the last three years I think I have gotten only one piece of good news over the phone: I was accepted to one of the law reviews at my school. And that wasn't even great news because it was a pretty terrible experience.

-- I don't know what is more pathetic: the fact that I still play video games or the fact that my PS2 broke, so now I'm playing Madden 2000 on the PS1, where Kimble Anders is gaining waaaaay too many yards on me.

-- Maruchen Ramen have the better noodle quality, while Top Ramen have the better flavors.

-- I just saw the movie Fever Pitch for the first time and it was ok (in the I've kind of had a crush on Drew Barrymore since I was five even though she is a grown woman and still has a lisp way).

-- The new King Kong movie has hit the trifecta of reasons to make me not want to see a movie: 1) Its a remake, 2) It is being completely overhyped, and 3) There is extensive CGI involved.

-- I might jinx it right here, but I've made it through the entire NFL season without actually watching that Tim McGraw Week in Review crap on Monday Night Football. I have had a few close calls where I almost forgot to change the channel, but I think I could go 16-0.

-- Don't you think the Spanish Channel should have English subtitles?

-- Is weird Al Yankovic still doing albums? Because I really want him to do a parody of Jesus Walks about Beavis and Butthead. I know, the tv show reference is a tad dated, but Beavis Walks is too good to pass up. weird Al might even be able to get into a Coolio style feud with Kanye West.

Hubble Bubble

The Hubble Space Telescope recently took a picture of a Crab Nebula. Apparently, this star exploded some time ago, leading to the invasion of Earth by the....































Crab People!






















Crab People... Crab People... Taste like crab, talk like people.

I'm so cool

As some of you may know, the current rule of the idiotic celebrity worship culture states that the bigger the sunglasses, the cooler you are. Its only a matter of time before some sort of Olsen/Hilton/Simpson starts wearing these:

10 year Reunion: Everybody Chung Wang Tonight

Has it really been 10 years? It seems like at least twice that long since I graced the halls of my suburban high school. I remember at the time thinking that I couldn't wait to get the hell out of the area, yet here I am 10 years later, much better educated and almost ready to give up on finally getting that dream job. Since I really didn't like most of the people in my high school class (amongst other reasons), I decided it would be best to attend Thanksgiving dinner at my girlfriend's parents' place up in New Jersey, where I could get the added bonus of attending her 10 year reunion.

My girlfriend grew up in a full-fledged New Jersey "town" (I used to hate when college classmates from New Jersey would ask what town I grew up in. I used to say. "I didn't. I grew up in a city"). Anyway, being that this is a town, there are basically only two bars: one where all the teachers hang out (again, I think this is a New Jersey thing) and another that is a combination sports bar and cheesy club. Her reunion was held at the latter.

When we arrived at the bar, we went upstairs where she had to sign in and get her name tag. The class officers from her senior year manned the sign in table and issued her a name tag with her senior picture on it. We then went up to the bar for what was supposed to be 2 hours of "open bar." For an added bonus, the DJ was playing only music from 1994-5. I haven't heard this much Soul Asylum since last year's NBA playoffs.

I decided to start it out slow (with a little Bella Fleck) and get a Captain and Coke because I had not eaten anything for dinner. Soon thereafter, I wanted to see what there was to eat at this little shindig. To my (skyrockets in flight, afternoon) delight, we had an assortment of stuffed mushrooms, chicken fingers, fried shrimp, steamed dumplings, and a few other finger foods. Mmmmmmmmmm. Bar food.

Once I had my fill of fried foods, I decided that I needed to take advantage of the open bar. I went right up and ordered a Ketel One dirty martini. For some reason, the bartender said that they were not allowed to give out martinis. So I asked for Ketel One on the rocks. For some other reason, they were able to fulfill that request. Now, keep in mind I am in a situation where I only know my girlfriend, one or two of her friends, one guy from college that I was never really friends with (but we make small talk anyway), two boners (if you knew them, you'd say they were boners also) from college, and a girl one of my friends "accidentally" tried to fuck in the ass in the attic of Fiji during the first week of our freshman year. Need alcohol. I was going to have to try harder to get saucy.

At this point in the night I went back to the snack table and chowed down again while my girlfriend talked to some people I didn't know. When I met up with her, we went and talked with a girl who we met up with on our Vegas vacation a couple of years ago. We happened to be standing at the bar where the planners of the reunion had stashed the pictures of all the people who did not RSVP to the party in case they showed up. Just then, I had the brilliant idea of "becoming" one of the people in girlfriend's senior class. But who would be the funniest? A black guy. Unfortunately, girlfriend's high school had even fewer black guys than my high school. So I was forced to become Indian. Dots, not feathers. From now on, my name would be Abey Thomas.

After another round of Ketel One on the rocks, I settled into my position of hanging out with girlfriend while she talked to people she had not seen in 10 years. I thought the night could not get any better when up walked Chung Wang. That's right, Chung Wang. This was a guy who was way too excited for the reunion on the evite, so of course, I couldn't wait to see him at the party. He recognized girlfriend and they got to talking. Upon hearing that we live in DC, he said "I love the Metro!" He also said that in high school he was "dorktacular" and that, not suprisingly, he is now a software engineer. The man was clearly happy to be back, showing all those Zabkas who had teased him how successful he is now. But, boy does he need to get laid.

After Chung Wang, I needed another drink. So I went up to the bar and tried to get another Ketel One on the rocks. Unfortunately, I went to a different bartender who told me that she couldn't do that. So I went with the old Ketel One and tonic. A far cry from the martini I originally wanted, but what the hell? When in Rome.

After a few more meetings with girlfriend's high school cohorts (including a lesbian mouse), it became clear that Abey Thomas, while actually looking nothing like me (he had a moustache in high school), looked enough like me for people to have to do double takes after seeing the picture. High comedy. I suggest you try it. One girl came by when I was hanging out with another "plus one" and asked if we were from the class of 95. It really was all I could do to hold back my overwhelming desire to say, "Didn't we fuck?" Her boyfriend looked kind of big and ornery anyway.

After the open bar ended, the class officers said that it would be open until the money ran out. I'm really not sure what that even means, but I was ready to get out of there. After the party, we were planning on ending the night where every self-respecting Jerseyite ends their night: in a diner.

Fortunately for me, a couple of days earlier, I had been to two different diners in the same day, so I knew exactly what to look for on the menu. Unfortunately, one of the people in the part did not know how to properly order at the diner. He ordered the Maryland crab chowder...at a diner...in New Jersey. I think he was expecting a red soup because he was silghtly horrified when a cream of crab soup came out. He asked if it was the crab soup and the waitress said, "I'm sorry hon. It looked a little watery when I came in today. I can take it back if you want." He promptly exchanged it for the French onion soup (or should I say the Freedom Onion Soup)?

I, on the other hand, knew exactly what to order. I have a new late night diner staple: Waffle with vanilla ice cream. It could be the best late night snack ever. You get the waffley goodness with the ice cream dankstinia. Oh god, I want one right now. So we finished our meal while the girls talked about a bunch of people I have never heard of and then it was time to finally go home.

I would have to say that the reunion was a rousing success. A good time was had by all (especially Chung Wang) and I was able to eat my new traditional late night meal of waffle and ice cream. Who knows? In 10 years, maybe I'll even show up for my own reunion. Naaaaaaaahhhh.

Spreading the word

Interesting stats:
Number of hits on my site from the keyword "Fire Lloyd Carr": 36
Number of hits on my site from the keyword "Joaquin Phoenix's cleft palate": 1
Number of hits on my site from the keyword "Reese Witherspoon's baboon face": 0

Just something to think about.

Fire Lloyd Carr Now!

Just wanted to increase the number of times this phrase is on the internet. Fire Lloyd Carr. He's a terrible coach.

G(Q)'s up, Ho's down

GQ magazine, a publication I might have read twice in my life, has named Jennifer Aniston its first ever Woman of the Year. Why? Has someone ever gotten more consistent press for doing so little? Yes, she's actually in a movie this year, but beyond that has she done anything since being on a mildly amusing (yet incomprehensibly popular) sitcom? I dare say not. Oh, she was married to Brad Pitt, who himself hasn't done anything of significance since Fight Club. This, apparently, is enough to be on the cover every stupid supermarket tabloid magazine for the last three years. Which brings me to my theory: Women want to fuck Jennifer Aniston more than men. Can anything else explain their obsession?

And in case you haven't heard it yet, here is a link to the infamous 7th Floor Crew song allegedly done by some University of Miami football players a couple of years ago. Its actually pretty good.

The Best Commercial in years

Taco Town!

Battle Royale: one crazy ass movie

As I mentioned in my previous post, one of the other extras told me that he just saw a Japanese movie that he really liked (and that he got on Netflix, to boot). Once he told me the plot of the movie, I knew I had to see it. So, after I forgot the name of the movie, I did a little google researching of the key words in the plot and eventually found out it was called Battle Royale (or, in Japanese, Batoru Rowaiaru).

The movie was made in 2000 by famed Japanese director Kinji Fukasaku and the plot goes something like this: It is the dawn of the new millennium and the Japanese economy has gone to shit. With 15% unemployment, the school age children have grown to distrust the government and adults in general. Approximately 800,000 have boycotted going to school altogether.

So the government passes a law that says one class per month (I think) (i.e. 9th grade in, say, Wheaton High School), chosen by a random lottery, is taken to an island where they will have three days to have a no holds barred fight to the death to see which student "wins" and gets to go back to society. I'm not really sure why this tactic is supposed to make the students want to go back to class, but who cares? Sound awesome? It gets better.

The movie follows some 9th grade class of about 40 students. They are told they are going on a field trip and while they are on the bus, they are gassed and taken to the island. Once they are there, they are greeted by their former teacher, played by the guy who plays Vic Romano on Most Extreme Elimination Challenge.

He shows them a video that outlines the rules of the game. First, only one person can leave. If there is more than one person left after 3 days, they all will be killed. How do they know who is left? All the kids are fitted with collars that monitor their pulse, movement, and will explode if they try and remove them. Every six hours, announcements are made with the names of the dead and the "danger zones" on the map. If the kids are caught lingering too long in a danger zone, their collar will explode. Each kid gets a pack of supplies with food, water, a map of the island, a compass, a flashlight, and a weapon. The weapons are completely random and range from a machine gun to binoculars. And finally, in addition to the normal class, two delinquents who volunteered to go to the island will also be participating. With that, the game begins.

I have to say that I enjoyed this movie, but I kept wondering if it could have been a lot better if it was made in the U.S. Although, if someone ever made a movie like this in the U.S. they would get castrated by the Christian Right. Being that it was a Japanese movie, I allowed for the weird music choices and sometimes cheesy dialogue. All in all, I have to give Battle Royale 4 Catheters Up. I highly recommend it if you like violence and Asians (who doesn't?).

Catheter Man: Major F'ing Star (part deux)

Today I got to be part of my second major motion picture. The Vanishing, a quasi-remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, starring Nicole Kidman was filming downtown and yours truly got the call to be an extra again.

We were supposed to meet at RFK Stadium at 9:30 am, where we would be transported to the super secret filming location. So girlfriend offered to take me rather than having to take the Metro. We loaded Takoma into the car and headed towards crack-ville. When we got to RFK, I was looking around for a parking lot with people in it. As we drove around the stadium, it became clear that none of the lots directly next to the stadium were the correct one. I really should have read that e-mail more carefully.

We drove all the way around the stadium once and just as we got back to the front entrance, Takoma promptly puked in the back seat. Good times. So now we're driving around looking for a lot that isn't there with the smell of dog puke wofting from behind us. We stopped so that we (girlfriend) could clean up the puke and I could try and figure out what to do next. Luckily, some woman also was kind of lost, but at least she knew that we were supposed to go to Lot 7.

Once Takoma's breakfast was swept off of the seat, we headed out around the stadium again to try and get to Lot 7. What nobody tells you (or erects a sign to tell you) is that Lot 7 is not really visible from the stadium. We missed the exit for it and then had to drive all the way around the stadium again to get back to it. I finally got to Lot 7 at about 9:40, about 10 minutes late. I then signed in and boarded a school bus where I was transported to the L'Enfant Plaza area to the tents.

At the tent area, I went over to wardrobe, where they told me that what I had on was fine. I went back inside to try and find some breakfast. At my old job I learned that whenever you are part of a project that involves entertainment industry union members, it will be catered. I found the last of the hot breakfast and got a small helping of eggs, hash browns (Hardee's style, not my favorite), and sausage (patty, not link). This is a dangerous combination, seeing as I potentially would not be near a bathroom for the rest of the day, but I also might not eat the rest of the day, so I had to take my chances.

I went and ate my food and then waited. It was about 10:30 by then and there was nothing better to do, so I just sat down. I talked with a couple of the other extras and learned of a cool-sounding Japanese movie that I will be renting from Netflix and possibly reviewing on the site. I also learned that the Ivy League "only say the location and not the name of your college when asked" rule also applies to other schools. The guy next to me said he went to school "in Durham." Since I thought this was slightly rediculous, I just said, "So, Duke?" Of course. I think the next time someone asks me where I went to school, I'm going to say: "in Ann Arbor."

Then I noticed another table of food near where we were sitting. Two words: Krispy Kreme. Obviously, I had to get me some of that. So I had a glazed donut and then waited. And then waited. Intermittently, they would call certain groups to go to the set, but the blue group (of which I was a proud member), was not called until a little after noon.

We finally boarded the busses to go to the set, which we learned would not be Georgetown (where we assumed we would be), but in the Federal Triangle area across from the Old Post Office Pavillion. We were the first group of extras there, so I thought we might get a pretty good position. They had us line up in front of some building where they were supposed to be giving out flu shots or something, but in reality the shots turn you into a snatcher. I got a spot right in front of this table where there were nurses, right in front of the building. Sweet! And then we waited.

In about 30 more minutes, they brought a bunch of other extras in and had then fill up the line in between the table where I was and the entrance to the building. They were trying to make the line look really full. Then the bad news came. We had to back up really far because when the camera started rolling, we would have to move forward in line. Now I was standing way far back behind the fake news van, so I'll probably only be seen in a very wide shot (look for the white guy in the red shirt the right of the news van.) Unfortunately, I did not see any stars that I recognized, but I did get to see Nicole Kidman's stand-in. So I got that going for me, which is nice.

We did a bunch of different camera angles of the same scene. Since they were filming, they had the street blocked off. That, however, did not prevent the best part of the day from happening. Two old people, who I can only assume were from Kazakhstan, wandered onto the set and asked me what was going on. I said they were filming a movie. The woman said she didn't understand. I pointed out the camera and told her we were filimg a movie again. She then inquired, "So you are waiting to see someone in-ter-es-ting?" (because we were in a big line). I said, "No, we are extras in the movie." She then said in an accent exactly like Borat's, "In my country, we say they need people to be the bushes." I laughed at her (but she thought it was with her) and with that, the Kazakh couple went on their way and we were back to filming, standing, and waiting.

We finished filming around 3:30 and they took some of the extras and bussed them to another location. The rest of us were told to go across the street and wait for the busses to come back. So we waited. And then we waited. And then we waited some more. About 30 minutes into it, people were starting to get pissed. One crazy lady who looked kind of like a combination of Anne Ramsey and a Peking Duck was definitely about to snap. About 45 minutes into it, people were calling the production company and trying to find out what was going on. About 50 minutes into our wait, a random school bus went by and Peking Ramsey tried to flag it down. A guy on crutches hailed a cab and was about to get in, when the busses finally arrived -- over an hour later. Peking Ramsey was so excited she made some sort of noise that I can't even begin to do justice to if I tried to explain it. But it was kind of like the noise that those arab women make whenever a jew dies.

We got back to the tent area and all I wanted to do is sit down, eat, and leave. Well, take a piss, sit down, eat, and leave. So I took a piss and then tried to find some food. I didn't really want anything heavy, so I just settled on pasta salad, cole slaw, and some of that iced cream the kids have been talking about. I sat down and ate and then got in the line to get signed out (I gotta make them ends). I finally signed out and headed back to the Metro.

Before I got to the Metro, I assumed that I would have to buy a pass with my credit card because I only had $1.35 on me at the time (being poor sucks). In a giant stroke of luck, the fare to my stop was exactly $1.35. The perfect end to a somewhat enjoyable day. Ahhh, getting paid to stand around and do nothing. Now I know what is feels like to work for the government. Sha-ZANG!

So the bottom line is: the movie looks like it could be interesting, but not that great in a Manchurian Candidate remake kind of way. There is probably about a 1% chance of me actually being visible in it. The waiting in this one was much worse than the heat in the last one. And I banged Peking Ramsey in a port-o-potty.

Seacrest out!

Its gotta be the shoes

I am launching a campaign (not doing anything and hoping something happens) to become the first blogger with an endorsement deal from a major (or minor) shoe company. If you are a sneaker executive and you want to have your product endorsed by a blogger with mad street cred and as many as 12 loyal readers, feel free to contact me at catheterman@hotmail.com.

In fact, I will sell out to any company. Just offer me something and I will do it.

Correction. Pat Robertson: World's Biggest Douche

This link is for an article that says Pat Robertson is telling residents of Dover, PA not to turn to god if there is a disaster in their town because they voted out ignorant, mouth-breathing, neanderthal school board members who wanted to introduce "intelligent" design into high school science classes. The joke is on you, dickhole. There is no such thing as god. And school science class is neither the time nor the place to promote your idiotic religion.

Bud Selig: World's Biggest Douche

This link is an article which says that instead of choosing an ownership group for the Washington Nationals, Bud Selig and the rest of the owners will just sit around with their thumbs up their asses while the organization gets stripped of the current front office personnel, piece by piece. You, sir, deserve an abortion courtesy of Edward Scissorhands. Worst "Commissioner" Ever.

Korean Rap

If by chance I have any closet Korean readers, please let me know how I can get my hands (or ears) on a copy of "Come Back Home" by the Taiji Boys. Thank you.

And we're BACK!

With the end of the pool season rapidly approaching, my temporary, albeit memorable tenure as a pool technician has come to an end. As a result, I will most likely be back to my bitter, unemployable, daily posting self in a matter of days.

As for now, I just checked Ye Olde Keyword Analysis and there are some doozies. Check these out:

Clayton Biggsby Video Download
Camp Colorwar Themes
LSU & Thunderstruck
Deron Williams Daughter
George Benson Jehovas Witness
Deron Williams Wife
Mr. Peebles
Wife Deron Williams
Catheter Play
Udonis Haslem's Personal Life [my favorite]
How Do You Pronounce Domanick Davis

Who knew there was so much interest about Deron Williams' family? And who the fuck is looking up Mr. Peebles?

You are some sick, twisted freaks. And I love you for it.

Peace out, Napolean.

Ween

I have often said that Halloween is my most religious holiday. I mean, what other holiday encourages dressing up like an idiot (or, a slut if you are a girl), getting drunk, and taking pictures of and with strangers? People are always happy and will come up and talk to you even though you are the three creepy old guys drinking alone in the corner.

This year, my friends and I went with the group costume. Its much easier if one person thinks of an idea and the others can do something related to it. We decided to go as the Balco Boys. I was Palmeiro, Ike was McGwire, and Jeff was Giambi. We all had hats, jerseys, and most importantly: muscle shirts (that made us look like we had muscles). Unfortunately, we didn't have a black friend to play Barry Bonds, so if you are black and would like to be our friend, we are taking applications.

We started out the night at a house party of one of Ike's coworkers and then made our way to the bars. I was psyched to take as many pictures as possible, but after the second one, my camera said that it was low on battery power (even though I charged it all day). Fucking Sony. Anyway, I was still able to take a bunch of pictures. Here are some of the best.


This guy was part of a large contingent of Cobra Kai members. He was the fat, balding Cobra Kai member who wasn't in the movie. I'm guessing the over/under on the number of times this group heard either: "SWEEP THE LEG!" or "PUT HIM IN A BODY BAG!" was about 138. Hell, I heard it twice.


As you can see, the group costume was all the rage this year. This group of girls went as the Average Joes from the movie Dodgeball. Crappy movie, decent costume.


These two get the award for the creepiest costumes of the night. On the left, we have Robin. Robin. Who the fuck wants to go as Robin? I think it might even be worse if it was part of a Batman and Robin group costume. On the right is some sort of Chiquita Banana woman who is holding up a mysterious red pill. I'm about 75% sure that I didn't take it because I remember the rest of the night.


Fook Mi? Fook Yu!


Here we have my buddy Jeff in his Giambi Roids costume with a guy wearing the best costume ever! My favorite part is how happy Jeff is that he's standing next to Dirty Sanchez.


I'd like to fill her cup up to the line with my slime. Actually, I wouldn't.


And what would Halloween be without a child molester?


Jeff with Asian Elvis.


Dis bloke gets mad respeck fo pimpin like my main man, Ali G.



And of course, the most important late night stop: Julia's Empanadas.

Foosball

These football picks are not all that much fun, so here's the quick and dirty list again. My record in the NFL this year is (45-53-2). Not too impressive. But the news isn't all bad. I have some great Halloween pics from last night that I will be posting later. So look forward to that. As for now, here are the football pics.

Washington (+2)
Cincy (-8)
Chicago (+3)
Carolina (-8)
Oakland (-1.5) *****lock of the week*******
Arizona (+9)
Cleveland (+2)
New Orleans (-2)
Jacksonville (-3.5)
K.C. (+6)
San Fran (+11)
Denver (-3.5)
New England (-8)
Pittsburgh (-9)

My name is Catheter Man

Someone told me Friday that Earl, the main character from My Name is Earl, reminds him of me. I'm not sure what to make of that.

Touchdown, Catheter Man

All my life I have wanted to score a touchdown in something other than a pickup football game. I have always had great hands (I probably catch at least 90% of the balls thrown to me), but my weight problem usually makes people think I can play nothing but line.

In high school I wanted to try out for tight end on our football team. One reason was that I didn't really want to play offensive line (and being around 5'11, 175 lbs, I probably shouldn't have been anywhere near the line). The second reason was that 2 of the other 3 guys trying out for tight end started on defense as well, so it stands to reason that they could be tired from time to time. Furthermore, it was freaking summer practices. What did the coach have to lose by letting me try out? The worst that happens is I make a fool of myself and go back to the line.

So I went over to the coach that was practicing with the other TEs. The other guys seemed kind of psyched to see me. They were like, "[Catheter Man] you're going to play tight end?" I asked the coach if I could try out. He asked me if the other coach sent me over and being stupidly honest, as I usually am, I said no. He said, "You should go back to the line." I had to protest, "But I have really good hands." Without even throwing me a pass, the coach said, "We have enough tight ends." And with that my tight end career was over before it began.

I did learn something from playing on that football team however. Half the battle is looking the part. The coaches were dumb enough to believe that if you had big pads, you were good. It makes no sense, but that is the way it went. Then there is always the theory of relativity: if your brother was good, you must be good. But I digress.

When I started playing on my rec team, I remembered the "look the part" rule and chose the jersey number 6. I don't know why I chose that particular number, but I figured if I had a single digit number, I would look more like a receiver, even though I would be playing line (although lineman are eligible to catch in this league, so I'm really more of a tight end). That season I caught a few passes (all that were thrown to me), but I still wasn't getting the looks I should have.

This season, I'm at my best "look the part" shape of my life. I'm down to about 160 (probably the lightest lineman in the league) and I chose the number 81. I have been averaging about 2.5 catches a game, with only one or two drops that I should have caught.

Today, the defensive lineman across from me was really bad. He was not going to get to our quarterback, so a few times I just took off down the field and tried to find an open spot. One of these times I was wide open and the qb threw it to me. About 2 feet in front of the end zone I caught it and walked right in for my first touchdown ever. It kind of looked like this:



Ahh, sweet redemption.

Quick Picks

I don't have the time right now to figure out my record, so I'll get back to that next week. For now, here are the quick and dirty picks.


Rams (-3)
Packers (+1)
Colts (-14.5)
Bengals (-1)
Chargers (+4)
Browns (-3)
49ers (+13.5)
Cowboys (+4.5)
Raiders (-3)
Ravens (+1.5)
Titans (+5.5)
Giants (-2.5)
Falcons (-7)

Shop Teacher: The Legend of Mr. Peebles

In middle school, it was the first time we got to take "elective" subjects, such as Gym, Home Economics, and Wood Shop. Gym every day was great except for the mandatory square dancing unit. I was pretty good at the cooking part of home ec, but I made perhaps the worst crafted pillow in history when I was forced to use the sewing machine for the first time. Wood shop was something I was looking forward to. Our wood shop classes were located in the basement of the school by themselves. The man who presumably spent his entire career in this dungeon was Mr. Peebles. He was nothing short of a legend in the school.

Mr. Peebles was a middle aged black guy who weighed somewhere in the 250-300 pound range. He wore thick army-issue glasses and sort of mumbled to himself all the time. Since we were all pretty young, the main tool we used in class was the coping saw. Mr. Peebles' favorite phrase was undoubtedly: "Ya gotta have da copin' saw." Followed by, "Dees kids [unintelligible] playin' wit da hand tools."

Mr. Peebles was always sort of a mystery to us. There was a rumor swirling around that he had once played professional football for the Cleveland Browns. Massive head trauma would be one explanation for his unique speaking style. One of my friends supposedly asked him about it and he reportedly got really angry and slammed his fists into a locker.

However, the best Mr. Peebles story is this: one day he was not in class. The story we got was that he was working after school the previous day and had sawed his thumb off using the band saw. He would not be returning for the rest of the semester. Due to this fact (and that the school apparently could not find anyone as competent as Mr. Peebles to supervise us and our coping saws), we had a parade of substitute teachers who would show us movies every day during class. It was during this time that I developed my true love for the movie: Airplane! I am actually kind of shocked that we got away with watching this (because of the brief nudity) because just a year or two earlier, the housewife mafia nixed a showing of Ernest Goes to Camp in my elementary school because it was PG and not G rated. I had to suffer through The Apple Blossom Gang instead (look it up, its horrible).

I don't think I ever saw Mr. Peebles again. I had a different shop teacher the next year and then I was off to high school. But this Bud's for you Mr. Peebles, A real man of genius. Not in those words salutes you, Mr. Middle School Wood Shop teacher. You teach kids with no mechanical ability to make the finest in keychains and cutting boards. You gotta have the copin' saw now! We don't know what you used to do, but we won't ask because you might get angry. Don't ask about the Browns! You might preach about safety, but you sawed off your thumb and didn't come back for the rest of the semester. Someone call an ambulance! So for being the perfect embodiment of "Do as I say, not as I do," here's to you Mr. Middle School Wood Shop Teacher. Mr. Middle School Wood Shop Teacher.

Kristen, where art thou?

There are only about 20 Sundays a year dedicated to the art of football watching. For the past two, we have been going to Union Jack's in Bethesda. Last week, it was pretty much everything you could have wanted in a bar (save for some shoddy service during the 4:00 games due to what one of the staff members admitted was their busiest day ever). At the very least, this bar was a pair of queens to Caddies' 2-7 offsuit.

Today I arrived at my seat literally at the 1:00 kickoff. The J man and Ike already had their fries and drinks, so I did not expect anything to be amiss with our service. Much like last week, the bar was sparsely populated during the early games. Our waitress shows up to ask my drink order and give me a menu. At about 1:15 I ordered a George Burger, medium rare. I had just played a game of touch football on an empty stomach, so I was pretty hungry. Then I waited.

I should have known something was wrong when I overheard the waitress apologizing to the table next to us because she "totally forgot" their chicken tenders. But I wasn't too worried. It was only about 1:30. Even burgers can take a long time at a bar when everyone orders at the same time.

At about 1:45, it became clear that our waitress might actually have Down Syndrome. My burger was nowhere to be found even though just about everyone else in the place was eating. One waitress came over and asked if we were using our Ketchup. I said I'd trade it to her for a burger.

At 2:00, Ike called the waitress out on it. I believe the exact wording was "He ordered a burger 45 minutes ago and its not here yet." I basically wanted to kick her teeth in (which probably would have made her look better).

2:15 rolled around and we had to tell the manager that I ordered a burger an hour ago and it still wasn't there, despite telling our stupid waitress about it about 15 minutes ago.

Finally, around 2:30 I finally got my burger. The manager said it was free because of how rediculous it was that I had to wait that long. Also, our waitress was mysteriously moved to the other side of the restaurant. Now I was finally ready for my sweet, sweet lunch. But here is basically what I got:

Not only was the burger lukewarm, it was fucking RAW in the middle. By this time I was so pissed and hungry that I just ate it anyway. Now I'll probably get mad cow disease. Not only that, but when I looked for the lettuce, tomato, and onion that they give you on the side, I definitely got the worst possible tomato and onion. They both had an approximate diameter of half an inch and were about 1 millimeter thick.

This is the second time this season that we've had a terrible waitress at a sports bar. I don't get it.

NFL Picks

NFL Picks (9-5) this week, (33-40-1) on the year

The Costanza Theory worked last week. This week, I'm going normal again.

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh (-3)
Miami (+4.5) at Tampa Bay
Cleveland (+5) at Baltimore
Atlanta (-4.5) at New Orleans
Minnesota at Chicago (-3)
NY Giants (+3.5) at Dallas
Carolina (-1) at Detroit
Cincinnati (-3) at Tennessee
Washington (+6) at Kansas City
New England (+3) at Denver
NY Jets at Buffalo (-3)
San Diego (-2) at Oakland
Houston (+9.5) at Seattle
St. Louis (-13.5) at Indianapolis

Pix (ure pages)

Remember Picture Pages? Bill Cosby and that stupid magic marker. I just thought about that for the first time in I don't know how long. Anyway, even though I didn't go to services this past week, I survived last night despite being pegged in the head by a cell phone (I guess we're even for the concussion I gave you during the after Prom party, Zack). Here are the picks. And just for shits and giggles, a picture of Uncle Rico.



College Picks
(0-2) this week, (5-5) on the year
Terrible week last week as I not only lost both games, but also Wyoming's streak of beating the spread came to an end.

New Mexico at Wyoming (-7) -- I don't care if I jinxed them last week, I'm getting back on the Wyoming train.

UNLV at Air Force (-7.5) -- I know nothing about these teams. My preferred sports book site is acting up so I am just going to post this and finish with the NFL picks at a later time today.

Peace out Napolean.



NFL (9-5) this week, (33-40-1) on the year

The Opiate of the Masses

Seeing that title in print kind of makes me wish I had used it as my blog title or at least the byline. That is not the point of this post, however. In case you don't live in New York, Miami, California, DC, Chicago, or any of the other 3 places where Jews live in this country, you may not be aware but today is Yom Kippur. Actually, it starts tonight with a fun-filled long ass service and continues tomorrow with another long ass service. Just to make it an extra great holiday, you are supposed to fast from sundown today until sundown tomorrow. If you can't tell, I do not like this "holiday." In fact, I don't like any Jewish holidays.

Ever since I have had a choice in the matter (when I went to college), I have not "celebrated" the Jewish holidays. To be fair, most Jews don't celebrate any of the holidays except for Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. I just choose to keep it real. Hey, if you are not going to really follow this religion, go all the way with it. In a perfect world, every meal I eat would have bacon on it (by the way, we were driving in some ass backwards area of Virginia today and saw a sign for the most unkosher meal ever: a ham and oyster dinner).

Rosh Hashana is the celebration of the Jewish new year. Hell, I'm all for New Year's celebrations, but I prefer getting hammered and kissing someone (preferably female) at midnight, not having to put on a suit and "praying" while intermittantly standing up for uncomfortable periods of time. Furthermore, why the hell is New Year's a religious holiday for the Jews? There is nothing religious about it. Essentially, we're celebrating the great event of "tomorrow." So I have no qualms about skipping this holiday.

That brings us to Yom Kippur. As if all of us didn't have Jewish mothers, now we need to have a holiday devoted to making you feel bad about yourself? No thank you. This holiday is actually supposed to be the day of atonement, where you "atone" for your sins for the past year. So here's your heaping serving of guilt, served with a side dish of boredom, and a bowl of fasting for dessert. Whats more, you are expected to take off of work to go to services, because in America, the Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur are apparently not federal holidays. Screw you, Sandy Koufax. You ruined it for all of us non-observant Jews.

Here's the thing: I don't believe in organized religion. I'm sure it comforts some people, but mostly its used by a few in power to gain more power and/or cause destruction. I'm not saying that religions don't have their good aspects. If people actually followed the behavioral rules, the world would probably be a much better place, but usually those are even corrupted for political gain. I believe in Truth.

What the Jewish religion needs is some good PR and event planning people. The Jews have produced some of the funniest and most talented entertainers in the world, but we don't have one good holiday? Come on, we can do better than that. You don't have to give me Christmas. I realize that its taken 2000 years to bring it up to its current levels (which, by the way, is just one notch above obnoxious). But give me a Halloween. Give me a St. Patrick's Day. Give me a Martin Luther King Day. Something where you don't go to services and instead have fun.

So to all those who may be angry at me for going to work instead of services tomorrow, I would argue that I am just being an orthodox agnostic, rather than a non-religous jew who goes to services twice a year.

Football Picks -- Get Rich or Tie Drying

I'm starting to see a distinct pattern with my picks: I'm good at college and bad at the NFL. As an experiment this week, I'm going to pick the opposite of who I think will win in the NFL games; Costanza Style. By the way, I have no idea if I used that semicolon correctly. Does anyone know how to use a semicolon? Does anyone know how to use a bartolocolon? Onto the picks...

College Picks
(1-1) last week, (5-3) for the year

Ohio State (-3) at Penn State -- Sure, Penn State is undefeated and the Fuckeyes always seem to lose in Happy Valley, but OSU is one of the best teams in the country and Penn State has two good players. Ohio State might blow them out.

TCU at Wyoming (-6.5) -- I doubted Wyoming last week when they were giving 18 points. They won by 25. I think they are 21-0 against the spread in their last 21 games, so I'm going to ride them for another week. This is definitely the best team I have never seen play.


NFL Picks -- Remember, I'm picking the opposite of what I say in the explanation.
(5-9) last week, (24-35-1) for the year

Tampa Bay at NY Jets (+3.5) -- There should be no way in Hell's Kitchen that the Jets can win this game with Vinny GreenBalls at the helm.

Seattle (+3) at St. Louis -- Seattle took a pounding from the Skins last week and could be without their top 2 WRs. This game also features two of the worst coaches in the NFL trying to figure out ways to lose against eachother. This game is going to be close, so I think its really a pick 'em. That being said, Sean Alexander could always explode for 4 TDs on any given week. The Rams D is just the type he likes to destroy.

New Orleans at Green Bay (-3) -- Stick a fork in the Pack. They are terrible. Ahman Green's yearly injury looks like its setting in and New Orleans is coming off their first "home" victoy. Should be a cakewalk for Brooks and the Saints.

Chicago at Cleveland (-3) -- Chicago can win on the road if their defense can shut down Cleveland. That shouldn't be hard considering the highlight of the Browns' season was Frisman Jackson's week one perfomance. Bears win.

Baltimore (+1.5) at Detroit -- Why exactly is Detroit giving points in this one? Baltimore's QB situation might stink worse than a dirty diaper filled with Indian food, but come on. I can't pick Detroit here, even with the Costanza theory.

New England at Atlanta (-3) -- Vick is hurt and New England is hurting for a win. The Pats should be able to slow down Dunn and Duckett, especially if Vick still plays.

Tennessee at Houston (-3) -- Everyone is saying that this is the week that Houston will finally get on track offensively. That is why I say that this is the week that the Titans get on track offensively and lay the smack down on Carr's candy ass.

Miami at Buffalo (-2.5)-- This game is a real stinker. Normally I would pick Miami because their D should be able to stop whoever is running the Bills offense, plus they had a week off to pepare. Therefore, Buffalo will win.

Indianapolis (-14) at San Francisco -- This is another one I can't pick with my Costanza theory. There is no way SF is even close in this one.

Carolina at Arizona (+2.5) -- Carolina should be able to run all over the Cards. I think they are getting too much credit for their win last week. I'd like to see McCown do that two weeks in a row.

Washington at Denver (-7) -- Seeing as all of Washington's games have been close thus far and the fact that they have not allowed a 100 yard rusher in the past 8 games, I would pick the Skins to at least keep it close, if not win this game outright. But this week I'm going with Denver, if only to keep my streak of betting against the Skins alive so that they keep winning. I hope they can become the worst 4-0 team ever.

Philadelphia at Dallas (+3.5) -- Philly should crush Dallas in this game even if McNupid is hurt.

Cincinnati at Jacksonville (-2.5) -- Roll on Cincy Bandwagon, roll on.

Pittsburgh (+3) at San Diego -- I like San Diego at home to beat an overrated Steelers squad.

Thank you, drive through...

Today the J man and I were out in the middle of nowhere when we wanted to get some lunch. Since Monopoly has returned at McDonald's, we wanted to stop there. Last year I won a free year of Netflix by eating way too much McDonald's, so I figure I need to give it another shot.

When we got to the McDonald's it was around 1:30 or 2, so we didn't expect much of a crowd. We walked in and were horrified to see the situation: 1 cashier -- 10 customers in one line. If it were not for Monopoly, we probably would have walked right out of there and into Wendy's (and that is saying a lot because I hate Wendy's [they put mayo on everything and they don't melt their cheese]). Facing the prospect of waiting a good 10-15 minutes to get "fast" food, we decided to pull off the greatest move in McDonald's history.

We got back in the van, went through the drive thru, got our food, parked, and went back inside McDonald's to eat. The woman who was originally in front of us in line was still about 7 people deep. Score! Plus, they tried to get cheap on us with the McNugget sauces at the drive thru (in other words, even though I got a 5 piece chicken selects and the J man got a 10 piece nuggets, they didn't give us any sauces... bitches) so we had to go back in.

Eat that, understaffed McDonald's!

Football Pix

I'm back to my usual swing of things in college with another undefeated week. I would have stayed on the Wyoming bandwagon this week, but not when they are giving 18 points. In the NFL, I had a lackluster .500 batting average. Hopefully this week will be better.


College Picks: (2-0) last week, (6-2) on the year

Pitt (+1) @ Rutgers -- I don't care how bad of a coach Dave Wannestedt is, any time Pitt is an underdog to Rutgers, I have to go with the Panthers. They should have their confidence back after beating the tar out of Youngstown State.

Navy (-6) @ Duke -- Navy had an unexpected week off because they were supposed to play at Rice last week. This means they should be rested and ready to kick Duke's blue ass.


NFL Picks: (7-7) last week, (19-26-1) on the year

Houston at Cincinnati (-9.5) -- I have two feet firmly planted on the Bengals bandwagon and I'm riding it to the playoffs. All we need now is a Rudi Shuffle. Since I have Andre 3000 Johnson on my keeper league team, look for him to have 28 yds and no tds.

Indianapolis (-7) at Tennessee -- Will this be the week Indy's offense explodes? You never know. I'm guessing that it may be, considering Peytard is back in the state where he had his glory days (remember, when he never won a big game?). The new-look Colts D should have no problem stopping Captain Questionable Mc Nair and crew.

Seattle (+2) at Washington -- I am actually going to this game. Washington has beaten 2 teams by a total of 3 points. The Skins barely beat Chicago week 1 even though it was Orton's first NFL game. The Dallas game was a total loss except for 2 plays in the 4th quarter. As much confidence as I have in their defense, I have zero confidence in the offense to score at all.

Detroit at Tampa Bay (-6.5) -- There is as little reason to doubt Tampa as there is reason to have confidence in Detroit.

Denver at Jacksonville (-4) -- The Jags D is great. Their offense seems to be going well, and Denver is one of those teams that usually will have an up and down season. Compound this with the fact that Chump Bailey got hurt and they had a short week after the Monday nighter and had to travel to Jacksonville, and I'll go with the Jaguars on this one.

San Diego at New England (-5) -- This is a tough game for the Pats, but they should be able to win at home. I still don't believe that San Diego is for real, no matter how good Tomlinson is. I also might be picking against them out of spite because Tomlinson singlehandedly destroyed one of my fantasy teams last week.

Buffalo at New Orleans (Pick 'em) -- I think this game is actually being played in the state of Louisiana, so maybe the Commissioner has bussed in 75,000 Bills fans to make the Saints feel more at home. Anyway, the people of Louisiana are reeling from the LSU loss and nothing would make them feel better than cramming the ball down JP Losman's throat.

St. Louis (+3) at NY Giants -- Even though the Rams tend to suck on the road and outdoors, I like them to beat the Giants because I don't think that they are that good.

NY Jets at Baltimore (-7) -- This may go down as the ugliest NFL game ever played. Baltimore's D should have a field day with whoever is starting for the Jets.

Minnesota (+6) at Atlanta -- See what happens when you put in Mewelde Moore, Coach Tice? Do you see what happens when you put in Mewelde Moore? DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PUT IN MEWELDE MOORE? Idiot.

Philadelphia (+1.5) at Kansas City -- KC looked downright terrible on Monday night. Philly is a much better team than Denver, but KC is a tough place to play. This is a shaky pick for me and I wouldn't be suprised if either team won big.

Dallas at Oakland (-3.5) -- This is a game Oakland can and should win. But you never know with Norv neck. Another pick I'm not too confident about.

San Francisco (+2) at Arizona -- The Cards are a disaster. Isn't this game in Mexico or something? Too bad Ron Mexico isn't playing there. Since there will be no real home field advantage, I'm going with the team whose name is already in Spanish.

Green Bay at Carolina (-7.5) -- I'm beginning to feel really bad about betting against Favre every week, but man, the Pack is bad.

This is the best thing I've ever seen

Colla at me

Football Picks: Back in a big way

Well, after my 4-0 start in college football, I'm back down to 4-2 due to a tough week where Michigan actually beat up on someone. For this reason, the Michigan game is not in my picks this week. But I will stay with the Big Ten (for one pick).

College Picks (0-2) last week, (4-2) for the year

Iowa @ Ohio State (-7) -- This should be a great game, but I don't think Iowa can win at the Horseshoe just yet. The only question is if the game is going to be close up until the end (OSU winning by a field goal). I'll put my money on the Ohio State dickheads to win by a TD at least.

Wyoming (+3) @ Mississippi -- I have no idea about either of these teams, but I'm playing a hunch that the doo doo pee pee uniforms of Wyoming will distract Ole Miss enough to allow for a Cowboy win.


NFL Picks (8-7-1) last week, (12-19-1) for the year

Jaguars (+2.5) @ Jets -- the Jags D looks good and I think they can beat the Jets even if Leftwich is hurt. I say that the Jags win this game even if Lord Byron plays with a peg leg. If he doesn't, Garrard is underrated as a backup. Furthermore, Lav Coles was molested. I'm not saying he's gay. I'm just saying he New York does happen to be the musical theater capital of the US.

Titans @Rams (-6.5) -- The Rams always play well at home and I am playing against Steven Jackson in my fantasy league this week. This spells trouble for the Titans. Another reason to root against the Titans was that girl from my Sports Law class. You know the type, the girl who knows about sports, but has to overcompensate for her lack of a penis by being an annoying beeyatch and trying to impress everybody in the world with her sports knowledge. She liked the Titans.

Oakland @ Eagles (-8) -- Moss v. T.O.: pretty even. Jordan v. Westbrook: pretty even. Collins v. McNabb: not as even. Raiders D v. Eagles D.: even less even. Norville Turner v. Andy Reid: a complete mismatch. I hate to bet against the Raiders with such a huge spread, but Norv will stop at nothing to ruin a team.

Bengals (-3) @ BEARS -- I am officially on the Bengals bandwagon. I love the big 3 on offense and their defense is pretty good even though I can't name a single player on that side of the ball other than TKO Spikes. I am just as impressed with the Bears defense this season, but the offense can't keep up with the Bengals if they get ahead.

Saints (+4) @ Vikings -- The Saints looked good in week 1 and bad in week 2. This is a bounce back week for them because they are playing the Vikings and I have this theory: Mike Tice is an idiot. I'm not sure how this guy ever became a head coach, but its time for the Tice era to end. Losing Burleson isn't going to help either.

Panthers (-3) @ Dolphins -- Stephen Davis is still healthy, so I'm going with Carolina. Their defense should be able to shut down Dollar Dollar Gus Frerotte.

Browns (+13.5) @ Colts -- The Colts will win this game, but the spread is too big for me to go against the Browns. Of course, watch this be the game that Manning throws for 6 TDs and my whole reasoning will be shot.

Falcons (+3) @ Bills -- The Bills offense has been inept the past two weeks. I don't see much changing against a very good Falcons D.

Bucs (-3.5) @ Packers -- I traded in my Chevy for a Cadillac-ac-ac-ac-ac-ac, you ought to know by now... the Pack is done.

Cardinals @ Seahawks (-6) -- The lack of a rushing attack is going to hurt the Cards in this shootout.

Patriots (+3) @ Steelers -- This should be the best game of the week, if only because of the Pats and Steelers fans. They were the two biggest jersey-wearing contingents at the bar last week. I'd love to see them duke it out.


Cowboys (-6.5) @ 49ers -- The Cowboys are going to be pissed. This should be the second week in a row that San Francisco takes it up the fartbox. Alex Smith should be starting by next week.

Giants @ Chargers (-6) -- As little as I like the Chargers, someone has to prove what a fraud the Giants are. We can't have another year where the Giants suck and wind up going to the Superbowl. That would be so depressing. Especially since they were given the gift of an extra home game in the worst case of New York-centrism since David Stern rigged the first lottery so that the Knicks could get Patrick Ewing.

Chiefs (+3) @ Broncos -- Come on, the Chiefs are getting 3 points?

Sabbatical

Sorry about the lack of posts lately. I am taking a well-deserved sabbatical from my blog.

Red, White, and Catheter: A Sesquicentennial of Suckitude

Well, its official. I have just applied for my 150th - 154th jobs. This gets me thinking. Maybe I should change my plan. Whatever I'm doing is obviously not working. So here it is: I want an extreme makeover (home edition). I deserve it. At least an Oprah home makeover.

I talked to my mother about this whole job hunting fiasco and I said that this country sucks because her generation ruined it (think about the Enrons, Worldcoms, etc... there's always some 55 year old schmuck with a platinum and diamond encrusted stapler behind the whole thing). Anyway, I'm not sure what I expected her to say, but she comes out of nowhere with, "I think its because they let all these immigrants in." Then she did her best Axl Rose impression and belted out, "Immigrants and faggots... they make no sense to meeeeeeee! They come to this country... or spread some fucking diseeeeeeeeeeease!"

Well, that last part never happened, but she did hate on immigrants for some reason. I thought all jews had to give immigrants a lifetime pass because we were all trudging through Ellis Island at one point or another. By the way, fuck you Ellis Island for not giving me a shorter and easier to spell name.

The Picks

Last week was a complete disaster for NFL, but my college streak is still alive. Away we go...

College
(2-0) last week, (4-0) for the year

Eastern Michigan (+30) @ Michigan
I'm going to keep picking against Michigan until I'm proven wrong. Eastern would have no chance of winning this game even if Charlie Batch and Earl Boykins were playing. That being said, Lloyd Carr is Lloyd Carr and Michigan doesn't beat anyone by 30.

San Diego State @ Ohio State (-27.5)
Ohio State is bound to be pissed after last week, and being the dicks that they are, will try and run up the score to get back into the top half of the top ten. Also, SDSU let up over 40 points to UCLA and Air Force.

NFL
(4-12) last week, (4-12) for the year

New England (-3) @ Carolina
No reason to doubt the champs. I am a little concerned about their lack of rushing, though.

Detroit @ Chicago (+1.5)
This one should be interesting. I think Chicago shows that their D is no joke here against a legitimate offense. Well, almost legitimate.

Minnesota @ Cincinnati (-3)
This one looks like one of those games where people will start realizing that Cincy is much better than they expected and Minnesota is much worse.

Pittsburgh (-6) @ Houston
Well, I was wrong about Pittsburgh coming back down to Earth last week. Houston looks like crap also. Pitt in a romp.

Jacksonville @ Indianapolis (-9)
I'm done trying to pick upsets. Peytard and the boys are back to their old ways and light up Jacksonville in the dome.

San Francisco @ Philadelphia (-12.5)
This one actually had no line on the site I check, so I can only assume that everyone was betting on Philly.

Buffalo (+2.5) @ Tampa Bay
I don't know why, but I just don't believe in Tampa yet.

Baltimore (-3.5) @ Tennessee
The last time Anthony Wright started for Baltimore, they wound up going to the Superbowl. The Titans D is awful. Baltimore wins by stuffing the ball down the Titans throats.

St. Louis (+1) @ Arizona
I still can't bring myself to bet on the Cardinals, no matter how retarded Mike Martz is.

Atlanta (+1) @ Seattle
Atlanta is another team that is better than people realize. Their D is for real. Too bad Mathis is out for the year.

San Diego @ Denver (-3)
As much as I hate the Broncos, its pretty hard to win in Denver.

Cleveland (+6.5) @ Green Bay
Green Bay is done.

Miami @ NY Jets (-6)
Nothing like a Herm Edwards spaz out to get the troops in line.

Kansas City (-1) @ Oakland
This game is going to be awesome. Definitely the game of the week. I gotta go with the team not coached by Norv Turner here.

New Orleans (+3) @ NY Giants
The Saints have to be pissed that they are missing a home game this week. Hopefully, they will take it out on the Giants.

Washington @ Dallas (-6)
Round Head Brunell + Dallas + Monday Night + Week 2 = loss for the Skins. Incidentally, if all my NFC East picks come in correctly (at least who I think will win), guess who is 2-0 and sitting pretty atop the division...Dallas. You know its going to happen, if only to give the talking heads something to scream about for the next week.

Bush

"On your watch, we've lost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two Trade Centers, a piece of The Pentagon, and the city of New Orleans."
--Bill Maher

I suck (football)

I guess the only good news to come out of this weekend is that I am now 4-0 in my college picks. You'll have to trust me that I picked Ohio State and Northern Illinois the first week. Why wouldn't you? I don't lie.

For the NFL picks, I was a whopping 4-12, although my lock of the week came in. I'm not sure if I'm going to keep picking all the games because frankly, it takes a long time to even write out the matchups. We'll see how I'm feeling.

So here is where we will keep track of the Weekly 5. This includes what happened to Michigan, my touch football team, the Redskins, and my 2 fantasy teams. This record will reflect how much of a burden I am as a fan/player/owner. This week I was 1-4.

1) Michigan -- lost to Notre Dame at home for the first time in over a decade. I went over this in the Lloyd Carr post.
2) Touch Football -- I had 3 catches for somewhere around 20 yards and we were up 8-0 when my knee collided with a defender's knee as I was running toward the end zone. I had to leave the game because I was probably about 25% at that point. We wound up losing 13-8.
3) Redskins -- Beat one of the worst teams in the league by 2, while ensuring that Round Head Brunell will be their starting QB for a while. This barely counts as a win.
4) Keeper Fantasy Team -- Destroyed. Lets put it this way: if not for Warrick Dunn and Deion Branch, I would have scored 33.4 points. With them, it went all the way up to 61.
5) Non-keeper Team -- Cooley's TD gets called back. Akers misses 2 FGs. Priest Holmes now splits major time. The Rams D lays an egg against the worst offense in the league (next to the Redskins). Hasselbeck tosses three picks. All leading to a 16 point loss.

Bonus

6) Neil Weisman -- moved in two days early.

Roberts Confirmation

For those of you who aren't watching the Roberts confrimation hearings (why would you? he's getting confirmed no matter what), here's the breakdown of whats going on.

Republicans know he's going to rule in their favor for the most part, so they are trying to say that the only questions people should ask are about his ability to judge cases fairly based on the facts presented. Republicans are basically trying to not have him answer any questions that might show his political inclinations about anything.

Democrats know he's not going to rule in their favor for the most part, so they are trying to say that he has to talk about his political ideology because its impossible to be completely unbiased as a judge (for an extreme example, see Scalia). They want him to say something so dumb that it makes it impossible for him to get confirmed.

It is a shame that a guy who will probably be the Chief Justice for the next 30 years is probably going to sit there and not answer any questions about his fitness to serve and get confirmed anyway because of the Republican domination of the government. The founding fathers are dusting off their Sit 'n Spins right now.

Remember

I will forego telling my Septemer 11th story today because it is really kind of trivial compared to what some other people in NY went through. Instead, please go to this site.

Time for Interim Coach Carr to go

I try and start the "Fire Lloyd Carr" Movement every year, but it never seems to gain any momentum. Every year Michigan is ranked in the top ten in the preseason because of their recruiting strength and big program mystique. Every year Lloyd Carr loses the first tough out of conference game. Every year Michigan drops down to the teens in the rankings and then claws their way back into BCS contention by winning a bunch of games in a row. Every year Lloyd Carr loses one other random Big Ten game. Every year, the BCS bowls slip away due to poor coaching. Its time to hold someone accountable for this. That person is Lloyd Carr.

Making this argument all the time is exhausting and I'm too annoyed to do it right now, but ask yourself this: Can't we get any coach from any level to come and win the easy games and lose most of the tough ones?

I'm forgettable (Part II)

While reading another blog, in which the post was describing the habits of a lazy law school student, I was reminded of another instance of my supreme forgettability.

In law school these days, most classes are not like your father's law school class, with the Professor cold calling students, who are then lead down a confusing, boring, often humiliating line of questioning in order to determine if you know the material, can think like a lawyer, and can read the professor's mind. No, these days, the Socratic Method is but a wisp of the torture device it once was. In my school, the standard procedure was to assign a group of students to be "on call" for each class period, thus virtually guarnanteeing that at least that group of students had read the material and were prepared to answer questions about it in front of the class. Of course, sometimes even students who were on call didn't read and this would reflect poorly on them and maybe even get taken out of their dreaded class participation portion of their grade.

By the way, let me just take this opportunity to voice my opinion on what a load of shit class participation is. Sure, we want all the students to participate in class, but people learn differently. I, for instance, learn a lot more from listening to students questions, trying to answer them in my head, and then see if the professor agrees with me. Some students learn better by reading. Some learn by asking 30 questions a day in class. What I am trying to convey is that class participation rewards those students who would speak in class even if they did not have to, and punishes those of us who don't want to speak in class for whatever reason. Furthermore, it creates incentive to be a "gunner." You know the type, those who raise their hand at every opportunity, talk because they love to hear their own voice, and go up to the professor after class to get face time. These people are wasting everyone's time because as soon as they start talking, people just zone out. That situation doesn't help anyone. Plus, the idiot who is wasting everyone's time ostensibly gets rewarded for this behavior.

Back to my forgettability story. I believe the class was Evidence or Criminal Procedure or something of that nature. I also think that it was the second semester of my second year. Even though I am definitely the type of student that sits in the back row of every class, in law school, I made the effort to sit near the front because 1) my eyesight has progressively gotten worse with each year of trying to read the tiny print in the textbooks, and 2) I didn't want to give professors any other reason to hate me for no reason. So I have a seat in about the 3rd row on the professor's right side. I also make it a point to not miss class if I can help it because I get much more out of class than reading a bunch of cases without applying them in hypothetical situations.

A month or so into the term, my little area of the room is on call. As the professor begins calling on people around me and knocking them off like those lead milk bottles at a state fair, the time is inevitably drawing close to my turn. Usually, there is one case in each assignment that just sucks and that case is always the one I wind up with. Always. So we get to that case and the professor is looking around and I feel her eyes bearing down on me.

Expecting to hear my name and some stupid question or joke about the case, the professor looks me dead in the eye with a confused look on her face and says, "Are you in this class?" Not only was I in the class. I had not missed it once. I felt like she was trying to make some sort of joke at my expense, implying that I always skipped it (again, you can see that professors tend to hate me for no reason). Granted, the class had about 100 people in it, but I was in the front section, third row. She should at least recognize my face. This made me seethe with anger. So I figured that if she doesn't know I'm in the class, then I don't have to be on call. I cleared my throat and proudly said, "I'm a visiting student." Most of the class broke out laughing at this because a lot of them knew me and those that didn't at least recognized that I did, in fact, go to the school and was enrolled in that class.

After the laughter died down a little, I figured I'd had my fun and thought she realized her mistake so I said, "No, I'll do it [meaning the case]." Well, she apparently either didn't realize her mistake or was so proud that she could not admit that she was wrong, that she just called on another person as if I really was a visiting student. After class, some of my law school friends in that class could not believe that I 1) actually tried that, and 2) pulled it off without a hitch. I was pretty amused and impressed with myself as well. A lot of these law school professors need to be taken down a few pegs, trust me.

A couple of weeks later, with me still sitting in the same seat and showing up for class every day, the professor finally realized that I was part of the class. In the middle of class, she basically stopped everything to try and embarrass me. She said something along the lines of, "[Catheter Man], didn't I ask if you were in this class?" I said, "Yes. I was joking." She responded, "[Catheter Man] You are in this class?" Yes. "[Catheter Man], I am pronouncing that correctly, right?" Pronounce it however you want. I don't really care. "No. No. No. I want to get it right. [Catheter Man]." Basically, she just wanted to call me out in front of the whole class and let them know that she wasn't going to get played like that. Luckily for me, I had been doing the reading and headed off her little sabotage at the pass.

This is just another example of how forgettable I am. I think I was completely justified in what I did.