2005 NFL Draft Diary (first round)

Welcome to the 2005 NFL Draft. I am hungover, hungry, thirsty, excited, and nauseous all at the same time. Let's go Skins! I have to order some Chinese food or something. Apologies to Weiss and Tara, but I really didn't want to impede on your romantic weekend.

12:00 -- I wake up. Holy crap, I hope I didn't miss anything.

12:02 -- I try and Tivo the draft. Apparently, there isn't enough room. Damn you American Idol!

12:08 -- My first glimpse of Mel Kiper. I think he only sees daylight once a year. Chris Berman loks kind of fat. And old.

12:10 -- Apparently, we finished the Diet Coke last night. I'm fucked.

12:11 -- The next generation Madden looks amazing, but I don't believe for a second that the gameplay actually looks that way.

12:12 -- Paul Tagliabue's looks haven't changed in the last 15 years.

12:16 -- Just ordered chinese food. I got the lunch special, but you need at least $10 for delivery. Hello 4 diet cokes.

12:18 -- I just remebered, I called Muhammed Saud last nightat about 1:45. It rang for a good minute before he picked up. Mission accomplished.

12:23 -- Torry Holt just said that the 49ers "smacked [the Rams'] butts around" before.

12:24 -- Tom Condon has a mullet that is awe-inspiring. Its black at the top and gray at the back. Simply beautiful. P.S. Mr. Condon, if you are reading this, I'd love to work for you.

12:25 -- With the first selection of the 2005 NFL draft, the Niners select Alex Smith, QB from Utah. Boring. Somewhat expected. They had to make this pick (or the fella from Cal). Miami is on the clock.

12:29 -- They keep insinuating that Alex Smith is so smart because he graduated in 2 years. What an assface. I'm sure I could have graduated in 2 years... if I was a nerd. Nerd! Niners drafted a Mormon Nerd! I also realized that we haven't had our first Jesus mention yet. I'm setting the over/under at 1:13.

12:33 -- I am sooooooooooo thirsty.

12:34 -- I liked the old Paramount Theater better than the Javitts center.

12:35 -- Our first glimpse of Hammerin' Hank Goldberg live from Miami!

12:39 -- With the second selection in the 2005, the Miami Dolphins select Ronnie Brown, RB, Auburn. Also expected. He is wearing a tan suit with a pink shirt and tan tie. I wonder why the NFL suits are never as fucked up as the NBA suits. Maybe the extra couple of years of college actually does knock some sense into these kids. Browns are on the clock.

12:43 -- Chinese food just came. I'll try and keep up. Diet coke #1 opened.

12:48 -- The roundtable is back! Jon Jansen, Mike Vrabel, Rodney "Grab and Twist" Harrison, Trent Green?, and A to the muthafuckin' K, homeboy (Andrea Kremer).

12:54 -- With the 3rd selection, the Cleveland Browns select Braylon Edwards, WR, Michigan. Good pick. I bet the Skins trade for him now. How about the #9, Rod Gardner, and a bag of donuts? Chicago is on the clock.

12:57 -- Diet Coke #2

12:59 -- Tivo just wanted to change channels to record "Digging for the Truth." Shouldn't Tivo know that any show with NFL in the title cannot, under any circumstances, be changed?

1:02 -- During the interview with Lil Romeo Crennel, they showed the back of some member of Edward's posse's head. It looked like a raisin. Scottie Pippen wrinkle head style.

1:05 -- I hate to say it, but The Longest Yard actually looks pretty funny.

1:08 -- With the 4th selection, the Chicago Bears select Cedrick Benson, RB, Texas. This officially ruins my fantasy team for next year. Yes, I started Thomas Jones. Yes, my team sucked. My keepers for next year are Andre 3000 Johnson, Roy "the legend" Williams, and Tony Gonzalez. No RBs. terrible. Oh, and Benson's official new nickname is: Ced the Entertainer. Tampa is on the clock.

1:13 -- Benson is crying during his interview with Suzy Kolber. Chicago, you are in trouble. By the way, we just passed the over/under on the mention of Jesus. Benson just started talking about coaches "manipulating" and "talking down" to him. This interview is officially a train wreck.

1:18 -- Diet Coke #3

1:24 -- With the 5th pick, the Tampa Bay Bucs select Carnell "Cadillac" Williams, RB, Auburn. All of my fantasy RB's teams will now select a RB in the draft. Sorry, just checked it and I apparently dropped Pittman and picked up either Nick Goings or Mewelde Moore (who never got a fair shake in Minny -- look it up, he had close to 200 yards every game he played for them and then he got benched for some reason. This just goes to prove my theory: Mike Tice is an idiot.) Titans are on the board.

1:28 -- The NBA Playoffs commercial with the Heat bobbing up and down in the tunnel before the game is DIRECTLY stolen from my 2000 playoffs "Tunderstruck" video. Assholes.

1:30 -- Cadillac Williams is country! Suzy Kolber just asked him if he and Ronnie Brown had a bet on who went first in the draft. Suzy, were you listening to the first thing he said in the interview? Cadillac is clearly confused by this, as am I.

1:35 -- Diet coke #4

1:36 -- With the 6th pick, the Titans select Adam "Pac Man" Jones, CB, WVU. Good pick for the Titans. More importantly, that leaves just Minnesota between the Skins and Mike Williams. They will probably take him. But I have this theory: Mike Tice is an idiot.

1:47 -- Fortune cookie #1 "You are kind and friendly." The Chinese are clearly not very accurate.

1:48 -- With the 7th selection, the Vikes select Troy Williamson, WR, South Carolina. Thank you, Mike Tice. Cardinals are on the clock. If they take Mike Williams, they are morons.

1:49 -- Fortune cookie #2 "You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home." Maybe. I'd rather attract autistic people to my home.

1:55 -- Torry Holt is doing a really good job as an analyst today.

1:58 -- With the 8th pick, the Cardinals take Antrell Rolle, CB, Miami. Solid choice. The Redskins will take Mike Williams right now. No need to wait 13 more minutes. Dan Snyder would take the card to the commissioner himself.

2:03 -- Lonely shot of Aaron Rogers, still sitting there at 9 when he could have gone as high as #1.

2:08 -- Andrea Kremer just screwed up, saying that Antrell Rolle is still available. This is why women shouldn't be allowed on ESPN.

2:09 -- The seats that they make Suzy Kolber and her interviewee (this time Antrell Rolle), look hideously uncomfortable. Why would they do that? Because Suzy Kolber's ass already has enough padding? Why not have couches?

2:12 -- With the 9th pick the Skins select Carlos Rogers, CB, Auburn. SHIT! Remember about a decade ago when we passed on Warren Sapp to take Michael Westbrook? 10 years from now, I'll be saying, "Remember when we passed on Mike Williams to take Carlos Rogers?" Sure, we need a corner, but our wideouts are crap and all shorter than me (except 50/50 Gardner and we all know how reliable he is). Man, I wanted Williams. We'd better not take that Auburn QB at 25. Detroit (what?) is on the clock.

2:18 -- With the 10th pick, the Lions select Mike Williams, WR, USC. Charles Rogers' paper mache collarbone must be worse than everyone thought. The lions are going to be fun to watch next year. Cowgirls are on the clock.

2:22 -- Why do they even do the interviews with the coaches? They never say anything more than cliches and filler.

2:27 -- I'd love another Diet coke right now.

2:28 -- With the 11th pick, Dallas takes DeMarcus Ware, DE, Troy St. Isn't Troy State for people who are too dumb to get into Alabama? Obviously, I've never seen this guy play so I really have no opinion on him. But knowing history, since the Skins have needed a DE for 10 years and refuse to draft them, this is probably another guy I'll say we should hae taken 10 years from now. Chargers are on the clock.

2:33 -- Draft 2004 flashback -- Eli Manning is a fuck face. E-tard.

2:35 -- Who the fuck is George Smith? A local San Diego guy?

2:36 -- I wish one of these draft picks would have the sack to lean into Suzy Kolber and say, "I wanna kiss you."

2:41 -- The San Diego Super Chargers select Shawne Merriman, LB, UMD, with the 12th pick. This is probably as high as a Maryland player has ever gone in the draft. Mel Kiper seems to like this pick because his cave is somewhere near Baltimore. Houston is on the clock.

2:50 -- We have a trade! Saints get the #13 and Texans get #16 and the Saints 3rd rounder next year. Saints are on the clock. Berman's jokes are getting on my nerves already.

2:52 -- With the 13th pick, the Saints take Jammal Brown, OT, OK. This is apparently a move to take Brown away from the Panthers, who are next. Brown didn't allow a sack or hurry all year. Very impressive. Sounds a lot like myself.

2:58 -- They just did a tribute to Sam Mills, who died of cancer last week. I just thought of something. I'm assuming I'll never get my 15 minutes of fame due to my awful luck (although, it IS the year of the catheter), so I have a way to guarantee that I get on tv once. I'm going to make people do something really strange at my funeral, like have a moon bounce and midgets there or make everyone wear helmets and have a food fight. I'll work on it.

3:04 -- With the 14th pick, the Carolina Panthers select Thomas Davis, LB, UGA. What about Derrick Johnson? I thought Davis was a safety. Apparently, the Chiefs wanted him. They are up next.

3:19 -- With the 15th pick, the Chiefs select Derrick Johnson, LB, TX. Good pick. KC finally adds some defense. Houston is on the clock. Best available on my board: Alex Barron from FSU. Houston does need a tackle. We'll see. This draft is starting to drag ass.

3:27 -- Great use of "Choice is yours" by the Black Sheep in the Draft commercial.

3:30 -- I think I need to vaccum my apartment, but I'm too lazy.

3:30 -- Draft flashback 1994 -- "Who the hell is Mel Kiper?" Great clip, only surpassed by: "Playoffs!??!? Playoffs?!?!??"

3:32 -- With the 16th pick, the Houston Texans select Travis Johnson, DT, FSU. Well, they went with a Seminole, but a DT. David Carr has to be pissed about this. If they don't get a left tackle in this draft, Carr might not make it out of next season alive. Cincy is on the clock. This should be entertaining.

3:37 -- Aaron Rodgers is fast approaching Gheorghe Muresan's record for most number of picks taken before leaving the green room.

3:39 -- Draft flashback 1999 -- Eagles fans are morons.

3:40 -- Aaron Rodgers mom is being consoled by Donovan McNabb's mom. Why is Donovan McNabb's mom at the draft and why is she wearing a jersey? Where's Iverson's mom?

3:42 -- I don't think I'll ever get used to Ron Jaworski without a moustache.

3:44 -- With the 17th pick, the Bengals select David Pollack, DE, UGA. Mortensen just said that Cincy could go to the Superbowl this year. Not with this pick. I'm going to label him as a bust already. I love that everyone says he has short arms. Apparently he's 6'2" with 30 inch arms. I am 5'11" with 32 or 33 inch arms (that's what my shirts say anyway), but then again, I'm long. Minnesota's next.

3:54 -- With the 18th pick, the Vikes select Erasmus James, DE, Wisconsin. I'm going to go ahead an label him as a bust also. Just a feeling I have. Mort is now talking about Minnesota going to the Superbowl. Despite having crazy Ewing Theory potential, they still have Mike Tice as a coach and I have this theory: Mike Tice is an idiot. Rams are up next.

3:59 -- Wow quick. With the 19th pick, the Rams take Alex Barron, OT, FSU. Thank you. Someone finally takes Barron. This is a great pick. They need a tackle and took one of the best ones out here. He'll learn from Pace. Dallas is on the clock.

4:03 -- The Alex Barron interview is about a 9 on the awkwardness scale.

4:06 -- We have our first Fitness Celebrity sighting. Yes, the John Basedow commercial is back.

4:08 -- With the 20th pick, the Cowboys select Marcus Spears, DE, LSU. Scary. The Cowboys will now beat the Skins twice next year again. I hate our front office. How can Dallas do in one round what we have refused to do for 10 years: immediately fix their outside pass rush. Solid draft for the cowboys so far. Jacksonville is up now.

4:16 -- With the 21st pick, the Jags take Matt Jones, WR, ARK. WOW. This is early for him. Good pick. I wanted him for the Skins. Lookout for the Jags next year. I think he'll be a nasty TE or an OK WR. Ravens are up next.

4:21 -- Sonic commercial. I think that Sonic, Rally's, and Checkers don't actually exist. They just have commercials, but no real locations. I've never seen any of them.

4:23 -- Did I just hear Jane's Addiction in a Coors Light commercial? In college, I used to play the live version of Jane Says after I'd come back from a shower. It is exactly the perfect length to go from towel to completely dressed.

4:24 -- With the 22nd pick, the Ravens select Mark Clayton, WR, OK. Who cares? Every WR that goes to Baltimore immediately gets drained of all the talent he has. I'd be shocked if this guy amounts to anything great. You never want to hear the words: arthritis and knee anywhere near each other on draft day. This guy has issues with both.

4:28 -- The Raiders moved up to 23 via a trade with Seattle. Do they take TE Heath Miller to replace Doug Jolley? That would be very Doug Jollyesque of them.

4:32 -- With the 23rd pick, the Raiders select Fabian Washington, CB, Nebraska. I don't know too much about this kid, but seeing as he went to Nebraska, he's probably a queef-neck. 4.29 speed is impressive, though. Green Bay is on the clock. We may see Rodgers finally go. I hope they take him because I don't want the Skins to even have the choice.

4:39 -- If the Skins get Rodgers, they will have accomplished what they always set out to do at the draft: ignore the glaring need at DE and create a QB controversy. Fuck it, if he's there take him. We ain't going anywhere with Patrick "I love getting sacked" Ramsey.

4:43 --With the 24th pick, the Packers take Aaron Rodgers, QB, Cal. Finally. Now the Skins better not take Jason Campbell. Lets see how the Skins screw this one up.

4:49 -- Suzy Kolber's ass looks simply gigantic.

4:58 -- With the 25th pick, the Skins take Jason Campbell. This pick bothers me for two reasons. 1) you need to take guys in the first two rounds that can play now. If this guy isn't going to play this year, it is a waste of a pick. And there's no need to take QBs in the first round. 2) Some moron in the Skins organization leaked that they wanted him. Whoever leaked it needs to be fired, if not shot. Anyway, awful pick. Skins are going to suck again this year. Seattle's next.

5:03 -- I'll be the first this season to say: "We need to start Campbell." It felt good to get that out of the way.

5:04 -- I'd really like to throw in a fatty lipper right about now.

5:06 -- I just realized, I haven't had any pop up virus ads appear since I started this. Amazing. Fuck you expedia.com.

5:11 -- With the 26th pick, the Seahawks take Chris Spencer, C, Miss. Bad pick. They should have taken Dave Bass, who is the better center and can also play guard. He would be reunited with Steve Hutchinson, who is already out in Seattle. Falcons are on the clock.

5:13 -- In all these draft promos, David Pollack looks like he not only has ADD, but also is a complete bama. Bama ass bama. Remember Bama? It was a big DC word back in the day. If you didn't know that, you're probably a bama.

5:22 -- I'd love another diet coke right now.

5:24 -- With the 27th pick, the Falcons take Roddy White, WR, UAB. Good pick for them. They needed another threat. The problem is (Neil Weisman moved in 2 days early) Vick might not be able to connect with the WRs that well. Thats why Crumpler is their #1 receiver. Chargers are on the clock.

5:30 -- We move to ESPN2. Apparently, the NBA playoffs start tonight. God damn, this round is long.

5:31 -- I'm declaring that whoever the Chargers take with their next selection will be dubbed "Mr. McPeePee" from now on.

5:35 -- With the 28th pick, the Chargers select Luis Castillo, DT, Northwestern. First of all, doesn't he play second base for the Marlins? Secondly, didn't this kid take 'roids? Oh well, things went pretty well for the new Mr. McPeePee considering where he could have gone. Indy is up next. If they don't take defense, they might be more retarded than Peytard Manning.

5:39 -- Suzy Kolber now has an open notebook on her lap to cover herself. Word must have gotten back to her that her ass looked like it ate the west side highway last night.

5:41 -- With the 29th pick, the Colts take Marlin Jackson, CB, Michigan. They had to make this pick. He gives them a CB or S that will help their bad defense. This finally could be the year for the Colts. If the league changes a few more rules for them, they could go all the way!

5:45 -- Thank god, this one is quick. With the 30th pick, the Steelers take Heath Miller, TE, UVA. Solid pick. Best TE available. Looks like a typical Pittsburgh guy, too. Definitely not a bama. The Fecals are on the clock.

5:49 -- With the 31st pick, the Eagles select Mike Patterson, DT, USC. I have nothing on this guy.

5:54 -- Bill Cowher interview. Best moustache in the game. I don't know one person with a moustache. What goes through someone's mind when they decide to grow one? I'd imagine it goes something like this: "You know what would make me look really rediculous? A moustache. Sweet. I'm going to grow one."

6:01 -- With the 32nd pick, the Pats take Logan Mankins, G, Fresno State. Never heard of the guy. From his clips, he looks like an asshole and would have fit in well in Denver. I guess its a good fit in NE as well.

Thats it. I'm spent. Round one is finally over. I have to go shower. I'm exhausted.