Saturday Night Dead

The good thing about living in New York is that you usually have a group of friends, and then an extended group of friends, and friends of friends (as well as people you just hate, but hang out with anyway). This usually leaves you with at least 2 or 3 options to do something each night of the weekend with any of 223950 people you know. Unfortunately, I don't live in New York anymore. I live in DC. Since 2 of my friends are out of town and one is having dinner with his girlfriend and her friends, I am shit out of luck in the going out department. Incidentally, my girlfriend is out of town as well.

So, what should I do this fine Saturday night? I have been watching the tournament (I need UNC to win tonight, but god won't let that happen because 1) he doesn't exist, 2) I refuse to capitalize his name, 3) I celebrate Passover with a slice of pizza, and 4) that would make me happy.) I also played a little internet poker. I'm actually getting pretty good. In 6 single table tournaments, I finished 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 3rd, 4th, and 6th out of 9 players, respectively (god dammit, give each one some respect!). I started drinking at 9:30. And I might go to the Irish bar on my corner to see if they still have live music later (the bar burned down earlier this year and may not still have the funds to pay the blind guitar player/singer).

At least SNL is one that I have not seen tonight. That show has been pretty awful since Tracy Morgan, Will Ferrell, and Jimmy Fallon left. I know, Jimmy Fallon wasn't that funny, but I loved his DJ (notice I didn't spell out DJ) sketch. AND WE'RE BAAAAAAAACK! Topher Grace is the host, so there is some potential. Usually, they have been going with gimmick hosts (like ones who are the musical guest and the host, like Queen Latifah or ones with no discernable talent, like Paris Hilton). I wonder if Lorne Michaels of 1975 would respect Lorne Michaels of 2005. Artistically, definitely not. Monitarily, probably.

The cast is long overdue for an overhaul. The first person I suggest they bring in is none other than myself. Catheter Man is ready to step up to the plate. Sure, I haven't been in any organized acting activity since I played an apple in "Let George do it," our 4th grade play, but hey, I'd work for cheap. Come to think of it, I may have played the 2nd baseman in "Casey at the Bat" in 5th grade. Both very strenous roles that even Meryl Streep wouldn't try.

So Lorne Michaels, if you are reading this, feel free to email me at catheterman@hotmail.com. Who was the last cast member you hired to have a law degree? Maybe Garrett Morris, but other than that, I can't think of any. Here's what I am offering: I will write, act, edit any video you need, act as a legal intern, and get you lunch. I don't think you'll find a better offer than that. Plus, I'm not afraid to do nude scenes. I know you don't normally go there on tv, but just keep it in mind.

Help me help you. Help me...help you.