I hate white food

Amongst all my other idiosyncrasies, I think the one that stands out the most is: my aversion to white foods. For starters, I hate milk. I have hated milk for as long as I can remember. In fact, I only recall drinking a glass of milk once in my life and it was part of a fraternity hazing ritual (or, as we told the police, a "race"). I'm not sure why people drink milk. Its pretty disgusting if you really think about it. What other drink has fat in it? If I'm going to drink something with fat in it, I want my money's worth. Give me a glass of bacon soda or steak-ade. Also, I'm pretty sure that every other animal stops drinking milk as soon as it can feed itself. Why do we not only continue to drink milk, but drink the milk of a different animal? It boggles my mind.

The second white food that I hate is whipped cream. To me, it adds nothing but a funky milk-taste to whatever it touches. Nothing destroys a perfectly good dessert for me like whipped cream (with the possible exception of nuts and/or raisins). And for Christ's sake, PLEASE, if you are going to put whipped cream on the dessert, mention that shit on the menu so I can stop the travesty before it occurs.

Sour cream is next on the hit list. First, take a few seconds to think about the name: sour cream. Is anything less appetizing than cream that has gone sour? (On a related note, my friend Colediggy likes to tell a story about Sex Ed in high school, where someone in his class actually asked the teacher this: "If the mother is retarded, is her milk sour?") (and yes, we'll be seeing a lot of each other in hell). Back to sour cream. I really don't like the taste at all, but this one is not as bad as the first two because usually, you can tell the Mexican waiter that you don't want it. Even if it does come with your meal, its usually in its own puddle on the side of the plate. God help you if you get it in my guacamole.

Is there anything more useless than tofu? (not you, Spak). The Nazis used to serve a water and sawdust soup in concentration camps. That sounds more appealing than tofu.

Coconut is another way to ruin a perfectly good dessert. Guess what? Its white. Those little foul-tasting white pubes that people try and pass off as toasted coconut shavings are simply nauseating. If you think Mounds candy bar is disgusting, then Almond Joy is the antichrist. Almonds are the worst nut ever and to combine them with coconut makes me want to kick a baby in the head.

Is there anything appealing at all about Cottage Cheese? There is a reason why we use this term to describe pasty, fat womens' thighs. It looks like someone already ate it and I can't even tell you about the taste because I don't even remember the last time I ate it. If something can make you not taste it for probably 20 years, you know its bad.

Mayo is pretty disgusting as well, however can be tolerated in small amounts. That being said, nobody ever puts on the correct amount. I'll tell you about my last horrible experience with Mayo. I was at a Redskins game and I wanted to get a chicken sandwich (Carl). I saw a picture of one on the menu that had what appeared to be swiss cheese on it, so I was happy (since I LOVE swiss cheese). I ordered the sandwich and took a bite. A few seconds later, it registered, that not only had I not gotten any swiss cheese, I had also bitten through a solid layer of liberally applied Mayo. I nearly shit in my hand and threw it at the field, I was so angry. It was only after I purchased a beach towel to remove the excess mayo that I was finally able to eat the rest of the sandwich.



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I used to think of myself as a pretty mediocre writer (much like my sports abilities), but I have to pat myself on the back after this post. To somehow combine the Redskins, Nazis, Mexican waiters, fat women, pubes, the antichrist, retarded mothers, and bacon soda is truly a wonderous use of the English language. I'm warning you right now, that could have been the peak. It could be all downhill from here.