Saturday, April 30, 2005

The Bathroom Attendant

A couple of things about Peyote Cafe:

I really hate bathroom attendants. They serve absolutely no purpose and then they want you to pay them for handing you a napkin or something. I'd much rather give a dollar to a homeless crack addict because at leaste they will offer to blow you in the stairwell of a tenement building. When I go into these bar bathrooms, I'm trying not to touch anything (except my own junk) to begin with. Now you want me to touch a sink that has probably been handled by numerous lepers, at least one person with crabs, and maybe someone with ebola. Then I have to give some guy a dollar to give me paper towels? Hell no. I'd rather not wash my hands at all. I keep my undercarriage immaculately clean and I'm pretty proficient at not pissing all over my hands by now, so I don't really need to wash my hands anyway. I think the next time I see a bathroom attendant, I'm going to punch him in the back of the neck.

I am also retiring "Thunderstruck" by AC/DC from my karaoke playlist. Sorry for those of you who didn't get to see my last performance. It just wrecks my throat the next day (that's what your mom said). Anyway, unless there is some really hot girl at the bar that says, "I'd let you stick it in my pooper and slap me in the face if you sing Thunderstruck" then I'm not doing it anymore.

I spent a surprising amount of money at Peyote. I bought a round of drinks and a round of shots for 5 people and it came out to $45 with tip. If you average that out, its like $4.50 per drink (I have amazing math skills). What the fuck? I thought we were in DC, not Monaco. I think the bartender ripped me off.

I really hate the karaoke "dj" who works there. I leave more talented piles of feces in the toilet. This guy thinks he's god because he basically determines the order of who sings when. I stared him down one time because he wouldn't let me go on unless I tipped him. Its actually pretty fun to make someone extremely uncomfortable by standing right next to them and staring at them for extended periods of time. He really needs a swift kick to the groin.

Just remembered this. (Update as of 5/2/05). There was a black girl (not that it matters, but it helps to paint the picture) that sang "She's leaving home" by the Beatles. Fan-fucking-tastic. I can only describe it as being Fantasia Barino-esque. Sort of slow with a scratchy, drawn out wail to it. I'm telling you right now, if Fantasia covered "She's leaving home" the way this girl did, it would be the #1 song in the nation for at least a week. It was the best black person cover of a Beatles song that I have heard since Boyz II Men covered "Yesterday."

A call from Peyote

this is an audio post - click to play

Friday, April 29, 2005


I have an unhealthy obsession with the smell/taste of citrus. I want every product in my bathroom to be citrus flavored. Right now, I have citrus toothpaste, floss, mouthwash, pomade, body wash, bar soap, and shampoo. I hope they come out with citrus deodorant and shaving cream soon. I want my bathroom to be awash in a cacophany of Orange.

Interestingly enough, I don't really eat oranges or drink orange juice. I don't usually get oranges because in DC, they are never really good and you wind up with a wad of that nasty chewey cell wall material in your mouth for 15 minutes. Orange juice, though I like the taste, has a suprising amount of sugar in it and a lot of calories, so I'd rather eat a bacon, egg, and cheese.

I did eat a "uniq fruit" a couple of weeks ago. This used to be what was known as an Ugli fruit, but for some reason they changed the name. I guess those pansy ass Ugli fruits couldn't take the name-calling. Anyway, I got one at the Giant because I was looking for a snack, but couldn't decide on anything. I remembered getting Ugli fruit at Meijer's in college and I think I liked it, so I decided to give it a try. I'll tell you, this is an underrated fruit. It tastes kind of like an orange, only better (like Sunny Delight!). It could be the best fruit of all time, with the possible exception of Mango.

This brings me to another point. Recently, I discovered that Syracuse University changed its maascot from the Orangeman to the Orange. What a bunch of pussies. They already changed the name from the Redmen to the Orangemen back in the day to try and sate the savages who complained about it. Orangemen does not refer to Indians. In fact, the name was changed specifically for that purpose. I can't believe they changed it again for no reason. Well, Indians, I hope you continue to erase yourselves from the national consciousness until the only perception people have of you is that you are alcoholic casino owners who are almost extinct.

Wow, this post got really hateful pretty fast. You know what Clayton Biggsby always says; "If you have hate in your heart, let it out!" I need a beer.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

An open letter to the Washington Wizards

Dear Washington Wizards (nee: Bullets),

Play defense, assholes.

Thank You,
Catheter Man

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

No Class

A wise man once said, "Fat Albert, you're like school on Saturday... no class." Well, I have officially finished my law school classes for the year. It should feel pretty good and it does, but I still have 3 finals to take and then possibly the bar exam and find a job. I am only up to rejection/no answer #63 on my job search, which is pretty impressive since I am vastly overqualified for the great majority of the jobs I have applied for. I did see a sign in Whatsa Bagel advertising their need for bakers, so maybe I'll try that when desparation sets in.

I really am trying, but its hard to persevere when you arrive at home every night hoping for someone, anyone, to call looking for an interview and the only messages you ever get are people trying to sell you satillite tv and consolidate your credit card debt (of which, I'm proud to say I have none). When I was a kid, I could never imagine myself having a job where you wear a suit and tie to work every day (mostly because I was "husky" and suits never really fit me right), but I always imagined that I'd be the one making that decision, not a bunch of lackies in HR departments across the country.

I'm taking today off from school because I need a day away from that place. I'll start making my outlines tomorrow. I realized last year that not only do I start understanding the material much better when I can focus on one subject, but also that going to class is actually a hinderance to understanding the stuff. Since I haven't yet failed an exam in my career, I'm not too worried about these last three, but I know the last one is going to be very hard to motivate for.

Thats about it for today. Off to the internet to apply for some more jobs.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Tuesday Treat

Do you guys even like the Tuesday Treat? I know the last one was pretty long, so this one is short. Its from Enjoy.

Best is Yet to Come

Glad to say that this last full day of France has been the best yet. It was all there, a nice buzz and some tastie waves. Tonight won't be any worse, as the hostel pub is opening up, and the boyz are ready to rock. It's been nice keeping this blog a bloggin', and thanks for the commentations. I've yet to throw on a few pictures and I have a few more things to say. Tomorrow I'm off to London, then Thursday I connect to the beautiful city of Vancouver. Throw some beers in the fridge for me, I'll be home soon.

Monday, April 25, 2005

A Melio's Monday

Sorry for the delay in posting today. I’m not sure what the deal is, but I still seem to be having problems getting on to the net at school. Luckily, I only have one more day of class at that dump. Its actually getting me quite pissed off, but I’m not sure whether to blame the school or my syphilitic computer.

So I missed my final Media Law class this morning. Mostly because my girlfriend was out of town and I could not get a ride to school for the early 10 AM start. Sure, in the real world, that doesn’t seem so early, but to me (not having gone to bed until 2:30 and not having another class until 8 PM), it is.

I did wind up making it to school by about 11:30, which is really like being there for the same amount of time as if I had gone to class, but I just wasn’t up to rushing to school with all the jackasses. By the way, the jackasses are really starting to bug me already this year. People are already stressing out about finals and whatnot, so they have to talk about it to each other on the bus and fill up all the study carrels in the library. I hate these people. Where were you the rest of the year when I was sitting there every day? You stupid foreign bitch! Enough of my hating. I’ll move on.

At about 4 PM, one of my partners in the group project #2 met with me to finish up the Brian Westbrook contract proposal. None of the three of us in the group really care about what we get, so we put in the appropriate half-assed effort and came up with something ok. Once we were finished with the final construction of the project, we headed over to Melio’s, an Italian restaurant/default law school bar in the strip mall next to the law school.

At Melio’s, I found out that not only are 2 beers enough to get you pretty buzzed if you haven’t eaten all day, but also that my fellow group project member was once a professional golfer. Pretty sweet. I guess law school must seem even worse for him. We hung out there until about 7 and now I have to give a presentation on how our contract is supposed to be structured in front of the class. It should be pretty entertaining, as I am still about half-cocked on Miller Lites.

I’ll tell you one thing, I’m not nearly as wasted as one of the other guys at the bar. I saw him take 2 giant Wild Turkey shots before he started yelling about how much he likes to hit people. Good times.

I’m going to go upstairs and grab a diet coke so I don’t pass out during class. Regards.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

2005 NFL Draft Diary (first round)

Welcome to the 2005 NFL Draft. I am hungover, hungry, thirsty, excited, and nauseous all at the same time. Let's go Skins! I have to order some Chinese food or something. Apologies to Weiss and Tara, but I really didn't want to impede on your romantic weekend.

12:00 -- I wake up. Holy crap, I hope I didn't miss anything.

12:02 -- I try and Tivo the draft. Apparently, there isn't enough room. Damn you American Idol!

12:08 -- My first glimpse of Mel Kiper. I think he only sees daylight once a year. Chris Berman loks kind of fat. And old.

12:10 -- Apparently, we finished the Diet Coke last night. I'm fucked.

12:11 -- The next generation Madden looks amazing, but I don't believe for a second that the gameplay actually looks that way.

12:12 -- Paul Tagliabue's looks haven't changed in the last 15 years.

12:16 -- Just ordered chinese food. I got the lunch special, but you need at least $10 for delivery. Hello 4 diet cokes.

12:18 -- I just remebered, I called Muhammed Saud last nightat about 1:45. It rang for a good minute before he picked up. Mission accomplished.

12:23 -- Torry Holt just said that the 49ers "smacked [the Rams'] butts around" before.

12:24 -- Tom Condon has a mullet that is awe-inspiring. Its black at the top and gray at the back. Simply beautiful. P.S. Mr. Condon, if you are reading this, I'd love to work for you.

12:25 -- With the first selection of the 2005 NFL draft, the Niners select Alex Smith, QB from Utah. Boring. Somewhat expected. They had to make this pick (or the fella from Cal). Miami is on the clock.

12:29 -- They keep insinuating that Alex Smith is so smart because he graduated in 2 years. What an assface. I'm sure I could have graduated in 2 years... if I was a nerd. Nerd! Niners drafted a Mormon Nerd! I also realized that we haven't had our first Jesus mention yet. I'm setting the over/under at 1:13.

12:33 -- I am sooooooooooo thirsty.

12:34 -- I liked the old Paramount Theater better than the Javitts center.

12:35 -- Our first glimpse of Hammerin' Hank Goldberg live from Miami!

12:39 -- With the second selection in the 2005, the Miami Dolphins select Ronnie Brown, RB, Auburn. Also expected. He is wearing a tan suit with a pink shirt and tan tie. I wonder why the NFL suits are never as fucked up as the NBA suits. Maybe the extra couple of years of college actually does knock some sense into these kids. Browns are on the clock.

12:43 -- Chinese food just came. I'll try and keep up. Diet coke #1 opened.

12:48 -- The roundtable is back! Jon Jansen, Mike Vrabel, Rodney "Grab and Twist" Harrison, Trent Green?, and A to the muthafuckin' K, homeboy (Andrea Kremer).

12:54 -- With the 3rd selection, the Cleveland Browns select Braylon Edwards, WR, Michigan. Good pick. I bet the Skins trade for him now. How about the #9, Rod Gardner, and a bag of donuts? Chicago is on the clock.

12:57 -- Diet Coke #2

12:59 -- Tivo just wanted to change channels to record "Digging for the Truth." Shouldn't Tivo know that any show with NFL in the title cannot, under any circumstances, be changed?

1:02 -- During the interview with Lil Romeo Crennel, they showed the back of some member of Edward's posse's head. It looked like a raisin. Scottie Pippen wrinkle head style.

1:05 -- I hate to say it, but The Longest Yard actually looks pretty funny.

1:08 -- With the 4th selection, the Chicago Bears select Cedrick Benson, RB, Texas. This officially ruins my fantasy team for next year. Yes, I started Thomas Jones. Yes, my team sucked. My keepers for next year are Andre 3000 Johnson, Roy "the legend" Williams, and Tony Gonzalez. No RBs. terrible. Oh, and Benson's official new nickname is: Ced the Entertainer. Tampa is on the clock.

1:13 -- Benson is crying during his interview with Suzy Kolber. Chicago, you are in trouble. By the way, we just passed the over/under on the mention of Jesus. Benson just started talking about coaches "manipulating" and "talking down" to him. This interview is officially a train wreck.

1:18 -- Diet Coke #3

1:24 -- With the 5th pick, the Tampa Bay Bucs select Carnell "Cadillac" Williams, RB, Auburn. All of my fantasy RB's teams will now select a RB in the draft. Sorry, just checked it and I apparently dropped Pittman and picked up either Nick Goings or Mewelde Moore (who never got a fair shake in Minny -- look it up, he had close to 200 yards every game he played for them and then he got benched for some reason. This just goes to prove my theory: Mike Tice is an idiot.) Titans are on the board.

1:28 -- The NBA Playoffs commercial with the Heat bobbing up and down in the tunnel before the game is DIRECTLY stolen from my 2000 playoffs "Tunderstruck" video. Assholes.

1:30 -- Cadillac Williams is country! Suzy Kolber just asked him if he and Ronnie Brown had a bet on who went first in the draft. Suzy, were you listening to the first thing he said in the interview? Cadillac is clearly confused by this, as am I.

1:35 -- Diet coke #4

1:36 -- With the 6th pick, the Titans select Adam "Pac Man" Jones, CB, WVU. Good pick for the Titans. More importantly, that leaves just Minnesota between the Skins and Mike Williams. They will probably take him. But I have this theory: Mike Tice is an idiot.

1:47 -- Fortune cookie #1 "You are kind and friendly." The Chinese are clearly not very accurate.

1:48 -- With the 7th selection, the Vikes select Troy Williamson, WR, South Carolina. Thank you, Mike Tice. Cardinals are on the clock. If they take Mike Williams, they are morons.

1:49 -- Fortune cookie #2 "You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home." Maybe. I'd rather attract autistic people to my home.

1:55 -- Torry Holt is doing a really good job as an analyst today.

1:58 -- With the 8th pick, the Cardinals take Antrell Rolle, CB, Miami. Solid choice. The Redskins will take Mike Williams right now. No need to wait 13 more minutes. Dan Snyder would take the card to the commissioner himself.

2:03 -- Lonely shot of Aaron Rogers, still sitting there at 9 when he could have gone as high as #1.

2:08 -- Andrea Kremer just screwed up, saying that Antrell Rolle is still available. This is why women shouldn't be allowed on ESPN.

2:09 -- The seats that they make Suzy Kolber and her interviewee (this time Antrell Rolle), look hideously uncomfortable. Why would they do that? Because Suzy Kolber's ass already has enough padding? Why not have couches?

2:12 -- With the 9th pick the Skins select Carlos Rogers, CB, Auburn. SHIT! Remember about a decade ago when we passed on Warren Sapp to take Michael Westbrook? 10 years from now, I'll be saying, "Remember when we passed on Mike Williams to take Carlos Rogers?" Sure, we need a corner, but our wideouts are crap and all shorter than me (except 50/50 Gardner and we all know how reliable he is). Man, I wanted Williams. We'd better not take that Auburn QB at 25. Detroit (what?) is on the clock.

2:18 -- With the 10th pick, the Lions select Mike Williams, WR, USC. Charles Rogers' paper mache collarbone must be worse than everyone thought. The lions are going to be fun to watch next year. Cowgirls are on the clock.

2:22 -- Why do they even do the interviews with the coaches? They never say anything more than cliches and filler.

2:27 -- I'd love another Diet coke right now.

2:28 -- With the 11th pick, Dallas takes DeMarcus Ware, DE, Troy St. Isn't Troy State for people who are too dumb to get into Alabama? Obviously, I've never seen this guy play so I really have no opinion on him. But knowing history, since the Skins have needed a DE for 10 years and refuse to draft them, this is probably another guy I'll say we should hae taken 10 years from now. Chargers are on the clock.

2:33 -- Draft 2004 flashback -- Eli Manning is a fuck face. E-tard.

2:35 -- Who the fuck is George Smith? A local San Diego guy?

2:36 -- I wish one of these draft picks would have the sack to lean into Suzy Kolber and say, "I wanna kiss you."

2:41 -- The San Diego Super Chargers select Shawne Merriman, LB, UMD, with the 12th pick. This is probably as high as a Maryland player has ever gone in the draft. Mel Kiper seems to like this pick because his cave is somewhere near Baltimore. Houston is on the clock.

2:50 -- We have a trade! Saints get the #13 and Texans get #16 and the Saints 3rd rounder next year. Saints are on the clock. Berman's jokes are getting on my nerves already.

2:52 -- With the 13th pick, the Saints take Jammal Brown, OT, OK. This is apparently a move to take Brown away from the Panthers, who are next. Brown didn't allow a sack or hurry all year. Very impressive. Sounds a lot like myself.

2:58 -- They just did a tribute to Sam Mills, who died of cancer last week. I just thought of something. I'm assuming I'll never get my 15 minutes of fame due to my awful luck (although, it IS the year of the catheter), so I have a way to guarantee that I get on tv once. I'm going to make people do something really strange at my funeral, like have a moon bounce and midgets there or make everyone wear helmets and have a food fight. I'll work on it.

3:04 -- With the 14th pick, the Carolina Panthers select Thomas Davis, LB, UGA. What about Derrick Johnson? I thought Davis was a safety. Apparently, the Chiefs wanted him. They are up next.

3:19 -- With the 15th pick, the Chiefs select Derrick Johnson, LB, TX. Good pick. KC finally adds some defense. Houston is on the clock. Best available on my board: Alex Barron from FSU. Houston does need a tackle. We'll see. This draft is starting to drag ass.

3:27 -- Great use of "Choice is yours" by the Black Sheep in the Draft commercial.

3:30 -- I think I need to vaccum my apartment, but I'm too lazy.

3:30 -- Draft flashback 1994 -- "Who the hell is Mel Kiper?" Great clip, only surpassed by: "Playoffs!??!? Playoffs?!?!??"

3:32 -- With the 16th pick, the Houston Texans select Travis Johnson, DT, FSU. Well, they went with a Seminole, but a DT. David Carr has to be pissed about this. If they don't get a left tackle in this draft, Carr might not make it out of next season alive. Cincy is on the clock. This should be entertaining.

3:37 -- Aaron Rodgers is fast approaching Gheorghe Muresan's record for most number of picks taken before leaving the green room.

3:39 -- Draft flashback 1999 -- Eagles fans are morons.

3:40 -- Aaron Rodgers mom is being consoled by Donovan McNabb's mom. Why is Donovan McNabb's mom at the draft and why is she wearing a jersey? Where's Iverson's mom?

3:42 -- I don't think I'll ever get used to Ron Jaworski without a moustache.

3:44 -- With the 17th pick, the Bengals select David Pollack, DE, UGA. Mortensen just said that Cincy could go to the Superbowl this year. Not with this pick. I'm going to label him as a bust already. I love that everyone says he has short arms. Apparently he's 6'2" with 30 inch arms. I am 5'11" with 32 or 33 inch arms (that's what my shirts say anyway), but then again, I'm long. Minnesota's next.

3:54 -- With the 18th pick, the Vikes select Erasmus James, DE, Wisconsin. I'm going to go ahead an label him as a bust also. Just a feeling I have. Mort is now talking about Minnesota going to the Superbowl. Despite having crazy Ewing Theory potential, they still have Mike Tice as a coach and I have this theory: Mike Tice is an idiot. Rams are up next.

3:59 -- Wow quick. With the 19th pick, the Rams take Alex Barron, OT, FSU. Thank you. Someone finally takes Barron. This is a great pick. They need a tackle and took one of the best ones out here. He'll learn from Pace. Dallas is on the clock.

4:03 -- The Alex Barron interview is about a 9 on the awkwardness scale.

4:06 -- We have our first Fitness Celebrity sighting. Yes, the John Basedow commercial is back.

4:08 -- With the 20th pick, the Cowboys select Marcus Spears, DE, LSU. Scary. The Cowboys will now beat the Skins twice next year again. I hate our front office. How can Dallas do in one round what we have refused to do for 10 years: immediately fix their outside pass rush. Solid draft for the cowboys so far. Jacksonville is up now.

4:16 -- With the 21st pick, the Jags take Matt Jones, WR, ARK. WOW. This is early for him. Good pick. I wanted him for the Skins. Lookout for the Jags next year. I think he'll be a nasty TE or an OK WR. Ravens are up next.

4:21 -- Sonic commercial. I think that Sonic, Rally's, and Checkers don't actually exist. They just have commercials, but no real locations. I've never seen any of them.

4:23 -- Did I just hear Jane's Addiction in a Coors Light commercial? In college, I used to play the live version of Jane Says after I'd come back from a shower. It is exactly the perfect length to go from towel to completely dressed.

4:24 -- With the 22nd pick, the Ravens select Mark Clayton, WR, OK. Who cares? Every WR that goes to Baltimore immediately gets drained of all the talent he has. I'd be shocked if this guy amounts to anything great. You never want to hear the words: arthritis and knee anywhere near each other on draft day. This guy has issues with both.

4:28 -- The Raiders moved up to 23 via a trade with Seattle. Do they take TE Heath Miller to replace Doug Jolley? That would be very Doug Jollyesque of them.

4:32 -- With the 23rd pick, the Raiders select Fabian Washington, CB, Nebraska. I don't know too much about this kid, but seeing as he went to Nebraska, he's probably a queef-neck. 4.29 speed is impressive, though. Green Bay is on the clock. We may see Rodgers finally go. I hope they take him because I don't want the Skins to even have the choice.

4:39 -- If the Skins get Rodgers, they will have accomplished what they always set out to do at the draft: ignore the glaring need at DE and create a QB controversy. Fuck it, if he's there take him. We ain't going anywhere with Patrick "I love getting sacked" Ramsey.

4:43 --With the 24th pick, the Packers take Aaron Rodgers, QB, Cal. Finally. Now the Skins better not take Jason Campbell. Lets see how the Skins screw this one up.

4:49 -- Suzy Kolber's ass looks simply gigantic.

4:58 -- With the 25th pick, the Skins take Jason Campbell. This pick bothers me for two reasons. 1) you need to take guys in the first two rounds that can play now. If this guy isn't going to play this year, it is a waste of a pick. And there's no need to take QBs in the first round. 2) Some moron in the Skins organization leaked that they wanted him. Whoever leaked it needs to be fired, if not shot. Anyway, awful pick. Skins are going to suck again this year. Seattle's next.

5:03 -- I'll be the first this season to say: "We need to start Campbell." It felt good to get that out of the way.

5:04 -- I'd really like to throw in a fatty lipper right about now.

5:06 -- I just realized, I haven't had any pop up virus ads appear since I started this. Amazing. Fuck you

5:11 -- With the 26th pick, the Seahawks take Chris Spencer, C, Miss. Bad pick. They should have taken Dave Bass, who is the better center and can also play guard. He would be reunited with Steve Hutchinson, who is already out in Seattle. Falcons are on the clock.

5:13 -- In all these draft promos, David Pollack looks like he not only has ADD, but also is a complete bama. Bama ass bama. Remember Bama? It was a big DC word back in the day. If you didn't know that, you're probably a bama.

5:22 -- I'd love another diet coke right now.

5:24 -- With the 27th pick, the Falcons take Roddy White, WR, UAB. Good pick for them. They needed another threat. The problem is (Neil Weisman moved in 2 days early) Vick might not be able to connect with the WRs that well. Thats why Crumpler is their #1 receiver. Chargers are on the clock.

5:30 -- We move to ESPN2. Apparently, the NBA playoffs start tonight. God damn, this round is long.

5:31 -- I'm declaring that whoever the Chargers take with their next selection will be dubbed "Mr. McPeePee" from now on.

5:35 -- With the 28th pick, the Chargers select Luis Castillo, DT, Northwestern. First of all, doesn't he play second base for the Marlins? Secondly, didn't this kid take 'roids? Oh well, things went pretty well for the new Mr. McPeePee considering where he could have gone. Indy is up next. If they don't take defense, they might be more retarded than Peytard Manning.

5:39 -- Suzy Kolber now has an open notebook on her lap to cover herself. Word must have gotten back to her that her ass looked like it ate the west side highway last night.

5:41 -- With the 29th pick, the Colts take Marlin Jackson, CB, Michigan. They had to make this pick. He gives them a CB or S that will help their bad defense. This finally could be the year for the Colts. If the league changes a few more rules for them, they could go all the way!

5:45 -- Thank god, this one is quick. With the 30th pick, the Steelers take Heath Miller, TE, UVA. Solid pick. Best TE available. Looks like a typical Pittsburgh guy, too. Definitely not a bama. The Fecals are on the clock.

5:49 -- With the 31st pick, the Eagles select Mike Patterson, DT, USC. I have nothing on this guy.

5:54 -- Bill Cowher interview. Best moustache in the game. I don't know one person with a moustache. What goes through someone's mind when they decide to grow one? I'd imagine it goes something like this: "You know what would make me look really rediculous? A moustache. Sweet. I'm going to grow one."

6:01 -- With the 32nd pick, the Pats take Logan Mankins, G, Fresno State. Never heard of the guy. From his clips, he looks like an asshole and would have fit in well in Denver. I guess its a good fit in NE as well.

Thats it. I'm spent. Round one is finally over. I have to go shower. I'm exhausted.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Actual Job requirements

Sorry for the delay in posting today. A couple of things contributed to this. First, I was jolted awake by the "asian jingle" ring of my cell phone at about 5:55 AM. I ignored it and went back to sleep. Then, the person called back a few minutes later. Now I'm thinking, "did somebody die or something?" My parents are both pretty psychotic, but I'm sure that they both at least realize that it is not appropriate to call someone before 6 AM for any other reason. So I go to check it and its a number I don't recognize. Now I'm pissed. Who the fuck calls someone that early?

I typed the number into google and got a name I have never heard. So I'm guessing it was a wrong number. They guy must have called me, gotten my voicemail, hung up, then decided to call back for shits and giggles just to make sure that I was indeed awake. Well, I have some news for you Muhammed Saud. You will be getting a drunken call from me at 2 AM tonight. We'll see how you like it. Oh, and please don't martyr yourself in front of my apartment.

My second problem was that I can't get on the internet using my computer at school today. Again, I have no idea why this happened today, but after about 45 minutes of trying to find viruses and restarting my computer approximately 32 times, it still didn't work. So now I'm on the school computers finally posting. Here you go...

I usually spend a good 5-10 minutes a day (at least) looking through job listings. I found one yesterday that had some unbelievable requirements. My comments are in the parentheses. Take a gander:

Necessary Tool Requirements

Telephone, Copy Machine, Facsimile Machine, Computer, Printer, Shredder (Easy enough)

Physical Requirements

Critical Physical Demands: Ability to operate a golf cart (Since when is this a physical demand?)

Occasionally 0% - 33% Frequently 34% - 66% Constantly 67% - 100% (This is apparently their highly scientific breakdown chart)

Sitting: Constantly (I can do that!)
Twisting: Occasionally (Holy crap, I'd have to twist as much as 33% of the time? I'm starting to second guess this job.)
Standing: Frequently (No way! I won't stand that much. I'm sure it can be negotiated down.)
Handling: Occasionally (What does this even mean? I'm intrigued again.)
Walking: Frequently (Didn't you mention something about a golf cart earlier?)
Weight: Ability to lift and/or move up to 50 pounds (First I'll have to stand, now I'll have to lift things?)
Reading: Constantly (Finally, Kindergarten pays off!)
Use of Fingers: Constantly (Dammit, I was hoping for one of those cushy jobs where you don't have to use your fingers.)
Reaching: Frequently (Fine, but only if it involves the golf cart.)
Horizontal Reaching: Occasionally (Good, I'm much better at vertical reaching anyway.)
Typing: Constantly (Does this mean that you put my keyboard on top of some cabinets, so I have to reach for it?)

Pretty strange requirements if you ask me.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Intros/Year of the Catheter Continues/Big Boy's Revenge

I forgot about this the first time I posted this morning, but this is an update for those who either haven't seen today's post or just check again for some reason. Last night in my Sports Law class, the professor wanted to make sure he knew what everyone's name for class participation points purposes. Since he wasn't sure about some people, he decided the best way to do this was to have everyone say their name (so he could associate a name with a face).

Immediately, I thought of the Monday Night Football intros, where players say their name, position, and school. Since the professor is an NFL agent, I thought it would be pretty funny to do that. I figured I would say something like "Catheter Man (except use my real name), Defensive End, University of Michigan." But then I thought, this guy knows my name and always rips on my about going to Michigan, so I did what anyone in my position would do.

The two people ahead of me said their names and all was going according to plan. Then it got to me and I say in true Charles Woodson style, "You know the name, you know the school." It only got a decent pop from the crowd, which was pretty disappointing because in a sports law class, I thought more people would find that pretty funny. Oh well. Maybe I should have said, "My name is Stuart and I buy my clothes at Sears." That one always brings the house down.


The Year of the Catheter Continues! I just won my Yahoo public head to head fantasy basketball league. It was tough, but Napolean in Rags (the name of my team) pulled through in the end. I'm just proud of my guys. I can't believe I won with the late season injuries to Tim Duncan, Antawn Jamison, and Primoz Brezec. Here's my final roster:

Stephon "Coney Island's Finest" Marbury
Reggie "R-E-G, G-I-E" Miller
Jason "I beat my wife" Kidd
Mike "Steve-O" Miller
Damon "I have no nickname" Jones
Eddie "Old balls" Jones
Gilbert "Revenge of the Nerds" Arenas
Tony "Frog" Parker
Antawn "Antoine, Antwan, Antowain, Anduane" Jamison
Primoz "If you like Georgio, you'll love Primo" Brezec
Joel "I can't believe there is a guy in the NBA named Joel" Pryzbilla
Tim "The Big Boring" Duncan

and finally, the finals MVP goes to none other than

Robert "Tractor" Traylor, who had the best game of his life a couple of days ago and helped me win the championship. Way to go.

Funny story about Traylor. I went to college with him and he was in the same major as me (yes, we are both idiots). One of my friends found a report of his in the library and it was awful. It was an oral report on Michael Jordan that was obviously copied directly out of the encyclopedia. The best part was that this was actually written on the paper for him to say, "So, likes I sayed..." I don't remember how that sentence ended, but you get the point. The guy's no brain surgeon. But then again, he's probably making a million bucks a year, so he's got that going for him (which is nice).


I can't believe I wrote 2 long ass posts about camp and forgot one of the best parts.

There were usually a lot of people from the DC area who went to my camp so the camp arranged for busses to pick everyone up at the parking lot of the Giant on Rockville Pike. For some reason, it was always a tradition that I would go to Bob's Big Boy before I got on the bus to partake in the breakfast buffet. Now, I love all buffets, but breakfast buffets are the gold standard. I would usually eat about 10 pounds of bacon, sausage, hash browns, pancakes, french toast, and whatever else they might have there. Seeing as I have the world's slowest digestive system, I was not too worried about having to drop a deuce on the bus.

Once we got to camp, we'd unpack, meet our counselors, bunkmates, and do some activites. I think we had dinner there that night also. Then we'd go to sleep eventually. Every year without fail, when I was awoken by that first bell in the morning, my insides felt like a science experiment gone horribly wrong. I usually had to sprint to the bathroom and release my unholy luggage from its overhead bin. There really was nothing quite as satisfying as baptizing the camp shitter with an ass explosion the first full day of camp.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

I hate white food

Amongst all my other idiosyncrasies, I think the one that stands out the most is: my aversion to white foods. For starters, I hate milk. I have hated milk for as long as I can remember. In fact, I only recall drinking a glass of milk once in my life and it was part of a fraternity hazing ritual (or, as we told the police, a "race"). I'm not sure why people drink milk. Its pretty disgusting if you really think about it. What other drink has fat in it? If I'm going to drink something with fat in it, I want my money's worth. Give me a glass of bacon soda or steak-ade. Also, I'm pretty sure that every other animal stops drinking milk as soon as it can feed itself. Why do we not only continue to drink milk, but drink the milk of a different animal? It boggles my mind.

The second white food that I hate is whipped cream. To me, it adds nothing but a funky milk-taste to whatever it touches. Nothing destroys a perfectly good dessert for me like whipped cream (with the possible exception of nuts and/or raisins). And for Christ's sake, PLEASE, if you are going to put whipped cream on the dessert, mention that shit on the menu so I can stop the travesty before it occurs.

Sour cream is next on the hit list. First, take a few seconds to think about the name: sour cream. Is anything less appetizing than cream that has gone sour? (On a related note, my friend Colediggy likes to tell a story about Sex Ed in high school, where someone in his class actually asked the teacher this: "If the mother is retarded, is her milk sour?") (and yes, we'll be seeing a lot of each other in hell). Back to sour cream. I really don't like the taste at all, but this one is not as bad as the first two because usually, you can tell the Mexican waiter that you don't want it. Even if it does come with your meal, its usually in its own puddle on the side of the plate. God help you if you get it in my guacamole.

Is there anything more useless than tofu? (not you, Spak). The Nazis used to serve a water and sawdust soup in concentration camps. That sounds more appealing than tofu.

Coconut is another way to ruin a perfectly good dessert. Guess what? Its white. Those little foul-tasting white pubes that people try and pass off as toasted coconut shavings are simply nauseating. If you think Mounds candy bar is disgusting, then Almond Joy is the antichrist. Almonds are the worst nut ever and to combine them with coconut makes me want to kick a baby in the head.

Is there anything appealing at all about Cottage Cheese? There is a reason why we use this term to describe pasty, fat womens' thighs. It looks like someone already ate it and I can't even tell you about the taste because I don't even remember the last time I ate it. If something can make you not taste it for probably 20 years, you know its bad.

Mayo is pretty disgusting as well, however can be tolerated in small amounts. That being said, nobody ever puts on the correct amount. I'll tell you about my last horrible experience with Mayo. I was at a Redskins game and I wanted to get a chicken sandwich (Carl). I saw a picture of one on the menu that had what appeared to be swiss cheese on it, so I was happy (since I LOVE swiss cheese). I ordered the sandwich and took a bite. A few seconds later, it registered, that not only had I not gotten any swiss cheese, I had also bitten through a solid layer of liberally applied Mayo. I nearly shit in my hand and threw it at the field, I was so angry. It was only after I purchased a beach towel to remove the excess mayo that I was finally able to eat the rest of the sandwich.


I used to think of myself as a pretty mediocre writer (much like my sports abilities), but I have to pat myself on the back after this post. To somehow combine the Redskins, Nazis, Mexican waiters, fat women, pubes, the antichrist, retarded mothers, and bacon soda is truly a wonderous use of the English language. I'm warning you right now, that could have been the peak. It could be all downhill from here.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005


Pope Claven I takes his traditional seat at the bar. Posted by Hello

VATICAN CITY -- Cardinal John Ratzenberger of America has been selected by the Roman Catholic church as the new pope.

Cardinal Jorge Arturo Medina Estevez of Chile made the announcement to a cheering crowd in St. Peter's Square.

Ratzenberger, who took the name Claven I, appeared on the balcony of the Vatican Basilica to greet the people and deliver his first papal blessing.

"Dear brothers and sisters, after the great Pope John Paul II, the cardinals have elected me -- a simple, humble worker in the vineyard of the Lord," The Associated Press quoted him as saying.

Once the archbishop of Boston, Massachusetts, and for many years prefect of the Sacred Congregation for the Doctrine of Faith, Ratzenberger, 78, was one of the most powerful men in the Cheers Bar and is widely acknowledged as a leading know-it-all.

Ratzenberger served for 20 years as the US Postal service's informational adviser.

As a young mailman he was on the progressive side of barroom debates but shifted to the right after the Buckner incident of 1986.

Once, he even answered the final question on Jeopardy with the question: "Who are three people that have never been in my kitchen?"

The dean of the College of Mailmen since November 2002, he was elevated to cardinal by Pope Paul VI in June 1977.

Earlier, white smoke rose from a Sistine Chapel chimney and bells rang Tuesday, signaling the selection of a new pope.

The crowd clapped and waved flags as the smoke began to billow over Vatican City about 5:50 p.m. (11:50 a.m. ET).

Suspense built as the throng waited for the symbolic ringing of bells, at which point the crowd broke into a roar of jubilation.

The conclave of 115 cardinals had voted three times previously -- once Monday night and twice Tuesday morning -- before selecting the new pope.

The cardinals' morning ballots were burned at about 11:50 a.m. (5:50 a.m. EDT).

Chemicals are added to the ballots to turn the smoke white or black.

Pope John Paul II, who died April 2 at age 84, had decreed that white smoke be accompanied by the ringing of bells, to avoid a repeat of the confusion after his election in 1978.

Ratzenberger needed two-thirds of the votes to be selected.
Speculation rife

There has been a great deal of speculation about who may be chosen to succeed John Paul II, who died April 2 at the age of 84, but cardinals have been mum.

Some taking part in the conclave said they are looking for a leader who presents a hopeful vision, who can "generate some dynamism and some optimism within Catholicism," CNN Vatican analyst John Allen said.

The first clues to the process of finding a successor were sought during the homily or sermon delivered by Ratzenberger at Monday's public Mass.

"Interesting little article here. It says that, uh... the average human being only uses seventeen percent of his brain. Boy, you realize what that means? We don't use a full, uh... sixty-four percent." Ratzenberger said.

Allen said Ratzenberger delivered a "very blunt" message for the church to "stay true to itself."

John Paul was widely credited with extending the reach of the papacy. He spoke more than a dozen languages and set an unprecedented pattern of pastoral travel, drawing huge crowds all over the world.

He was also strictly traditional on issues of sexuality and the role of women in the church, which won him support among some Catholics but alienated others. Similar disagreement exists over the next pontiff's stances on issues such as birth control, stem cell research and the ordination of female priests.

Tuesday Treat

Today, the Tuesday treat took longer than expected to find. Usually, I just press the "next blog" button on the top right of the page and quite literally, the next blog will suffice. This time, I went through about 5 different pages that were either set up too wierdly, contained nothing, or were in arabic, so I couldn't cut and paste. Then I got to this fine specimen. It is from (I seem to have a penchant for choosing foreign blogs). Its a long one. Enjoy.

Of Singaporeans and Mongrels

I don't know about other "quitters", but this is perhaps the biggest reason why I choose not to return in the near future.

Not because FTs are taking our jobs.
Not because they are wasting our tax dollars on copulating cows.
Not because the IRAS cannot hire better IT subcontractors.

It's because I don't feel respected as a citizen of this country, by my own government.

I used to joke to my Taiwanese friends that the only thing useful about being a Singaporean is the passport (The Taiwanese need a visa for almost every country on Earth, poor things). Now perhaps, it probably IS the only thing of any value. But don't take my word for it.

Tigerprawn2 sums it up well in this post below.


When I heard on the radio this afternoon the government's decision to build casinos and IRs in Singapore, I was disappointed and sad. Not because the casinos will be built (in fact, I understand the economic benefits the IRs would bring and welcome the decision). I was disappointed because Singaporeans are not allowed entry into the casinos unless they pay an entrance fee of S$100 per day or an annual fee of S$2,000.

And in case you are thinking that my disappointment lies in the high entrance fee, it is not. I am disappointed because the entrance or annual fee requirement only applies to Singaporeans and not foreigners. Is the message here that foreigners enjoy higher rights than Singaporeans on our own Singapore soil? It does not help that my Malaysian friend immediately seized the opportunity to poke fun at me claiming superiority that he can enter freely the 2 casinos to be built on Singapore soil while I as a Singaporean am not allowed to enter unless I pay.

For the first time in my life, I felt almost like a second class citizen on my own homeland! The immediate scenario that rushes to my mind is pre-World War Two Shanghai in the 30's and 40's - there was a garden built on the Bund in Shanghai on Chinese soil but for the enjoyment of foreigners only with a signage at the gates "DOGS AND CHINESE NOT ALLOWED". Well, in this present case I suppose I should feel much better because as a Singaporean I would be allowed entry if I pay the entrance or annual fees but presumably a dog would not be able to pay an entrance or annual fee so technically there is no
way a dog can gain entry; so at least Singaporeans are one class above dogs.

Wait... I seem to recall a scene in the classic Bruce Lee cult movie "Fists of Fury" involving the aforesaid Shanghai Bund garden with the signage where a dog on leash was allowed entry into the garden when accompanying its foreign non-Chinese owner on a walk. So it remains unclear still whether a dog accompanying its foreign non Singaporean owner would be allowed entry into the casinos though I am assuming that the general rule is that dogs are not allowed in Casinos. For the time being, I am contented to just assume that. The other scenario that comes to my mind is british colonial days Hong Kong where the Hong Kong Turf Club and horse betting is only open to British citizens and foreigners whereas the local Chinese in Hong Kong are not allowed entry.

The first thought that comes to mind is what and how am I going to tell my foreign friends in explanation when they ask me why I as a Singaporean am not allowed into a casino on Singapore soil unless I pay while they as foreigners have free entry.

Do I reply that it is because the majority of Singaporeans are such imbeciles who lack the maturity, self-control and better judgment to refrain from becoming gambling addicts hence the need for the government to restrict the entry rights of Singaporeans? Which at least in my mind does not make sense because as rightfully pointed out, 30 years ago it may be right to not allow a casino in Singapore but 30 years later today where Singaporeans make some 4 million trips overseas annually and are well exposed to casinos and gambling worldwide, we are not a country of uneducated illiterate mountain turtle pheasants who will self-destruct once stepping into the casino.

So, what am I going to tell my foreign friends when they ask?

Yes, not allowing Singaporeans entry into the casinos unless they pay an entrance or annual fee will to some degree discourage and/or deter Singaporeans from entering the casinos and to that effect
reduce the possibility of gambling addictions amongst Singaporeans.

Even so, most Singaporeans today who will want to enter the casino to gamble will be able to afford the S$100 entry fee. So it is
not so much an issue of money. If an entry fee is to be imposed why is it not across the board applying to Singaporeans and non-Singaporeans as well? To draw such a line allowing free access and
entry to foreigners while "penalising" Singaporeans does nothing to the decreasing morale and feelings of the people, the Singapore people who make up and constitute Singapore.

It is one thing when there are no casinos on Singapore soil, but when casinos will be built on Singapore soil, why subject Singaporeans to a different set of stricter restrictions and control? Are Singaporeans such an inferior breed to foreigners that they need to be put on a leash if they want to play on a playground built on Singapore soil while foreigners can play freely in that playground anytime?

Already these few years nationalism has been low considering the increasing numbers of Singaporeans who leave Singapore, the "quitters". And there is rising unhappiness amongs Singaporeans with the foreign talents in Singapore who enjoy better salaries, treatment and live a better life in Singapore than most Singaporeans do. At least for myself, I really do not need such discrimination now on Singapore soil to make me feel worse than I already do like a second class citizen not just in Singapore but on earth, because anyone else on earth whether an Eskimo or African or Mongolian, so long as he or she is NOT a Singaporean, can enter the casinos to be built in Singapore freely while I, as a Singaporean am not allowed entry unless I pay.

Suppose when the Hong Kong Disney Land is completed, the Chinese government announces that Hong Kongers are not allowed entry into the Hong Kong Disney Land unless they pay a much higher entrance fee than foreigners for fear that they will become Disney Land addicts and start neglecting work and eventually leading to breakdown in society. Does this make sense? And if gambling is such an evil to be guarded against like how opium nearly destroyed China in the 19th Century and the majority of Singaporeans are naive halfwits who will become addicts as soon as they step into a casino, then obviously we should really question whether Singapore is truly ready for one.

Did I hear correctly that the IR (with the casinos) will change the skyline of Singapore? And this is the "new" Singapore that I as a Singaporean have to give my everything jointly with other fellow Singaporeans to build? A new Singapore where my rights are restricted one class below foreigners? Sure, maybe if this were really 30 or 40 years ago where the majority of Singaporeans were still not so educated and exposed internationally to the outside world as we are today, this kind of class system may be needed and may work.

But 30 years on today, the circumstances for that justification no longer exists. So while the Hong Kongers will certainly be very proud of their Hong Kong Disney Land when it is completed and will no doubt speak proudly of it to the world, the changed skyline of the new Singapore in the future featuring the new IR and casinos will only remain a constant reminder of my second class status as a Singaporean compared to foreigners in Singapore. Let's not even talk about being proud of it, I would not even want to talk or mention it to anyone in the world because it is a personal Singaporean embarrassment.

My personal feelings is that while such a discriminating system may do some good in the short term, in the long term it will only serve to further erode what little nationalism and patriotism Singaporeans have left towards Singapore. Which is more important? To further reduce the possibility of the 2% of Singaporeans who are prone to become casino addicts or the building of stronger nationalism and unity in hard times so that the people of Singapore can stand together as one to pull and push through to better times? In any case, it is also my humble opinion that probably a very large majority of that 2% of Singaporeans who are prone to becoming casino addicts will be able to afford the S$100 entrance fee and will still set foot in the casino anyway; and hence will become casino addicts anyway whether or not there is an entrance or annual fee for Singaporeans only.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Stuff subscription pays off

Which one of these three would you like to see in lingere? Posted by Hello

Yes, I'd love to see Paul Pfeiffer in a lacy thong also, but it is not meant to be (yet). According to, Dancia McKellar (aka Winnie Cooper) did a photo shoot for Stuff Magazine. Normally, I only buy those types of magazines for plane or train rides, but for some reason I started getting Stuff every couple of weeks recently. I have no idea how it happened and I hope they never expect me to pay for it because Stuff could be the worst magazine since Rosie O'Donnell's magazine about krullers and strap-ons. Anyway, if I can get me some sweet Winnie Cooper pics, it will be way worth the $0 I paid for that crap.

Here is a list of former child tv stars I'd like to see less than fully clothed (in no particular order):

1) Soliel Moon-Frye (Punky Brewster)
2) Karyn Parsons (Hillary on Fresh Prince of Bel Air)
3) Tatyana Ali (Ashley on Fresh Prince)
4) Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen (you know who they are)
5) Jenna Von Oy (Six on Blossom)
6) Andrea Barber (Kimmie Gibler on Full House)
7) Tiffany Brissette (Vicki, the robot on Small Wonder)

A new week, a new group project

The real estate project is finally done(like Warrick)! I am assuming I will get a passing grade and thus, since it counts as my upper level writing requirement, will graduate law school this semester. The best thing I learned during this project is that if you "pretend" you don't know what the hell you are doing, eventually the rest of the group will just get fed up and do it for you. Its a great tactic. I suggest you try it.

So now I have one more project to do that is due next Monday. Needless to say, my group hasn't really started yet. But this project will actually be cool.
Project #2: negotiate a contract for the Philadelphia Eagles RB, Brian Westbrook. Pretty sweet, right? This is probably about 50% of the male population's dream assignment. The class is Sports Law and it is taught by an NFL agent (I already asked, he doesn't have a job for me, so he doesn't have a job for you either).

Since this project is ostensibly what I'd like to do for a career, I should have no trouble working on it from dusk 'til dawn for the whole week, but I'm sure I'll get bored and procrastinate anyway. I already filled out a spreadsheet with all kinds of stats from free agent running backs and that was pretty annoying, especially since some asian guy (not to be confused with the "some asian guy" who was a suspect in The Cable Guy) was printing out a document that might have been as long as the bible on the communal printer in the library.

Once I finish with this project, I will be done with 2 of my 5 classes. The others involve a 48-hour (learn the whole class in that time period) take home final, and two in-class finals. The thing that blows about the in-class finals is that we have to download some computer-diabling software that is supposed to prevent you from going on the internet or cutting and pasting from your notes. Obviously, I have no doubt that this thing will destroy my computer and probably erase all of my files, so I'm not too happy about that.

Other than that, I'm just waiting to finish and trying to find a job. Not too much luck over the weekend. Only 1 more feeler sent out. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed because much like the excited southerner, I'm willing to start at the bottom and stay there. I'm pretty sure I have no discernable job skills, since I'm almost 28 and the only "real" job I have ever had involved watching and editing basketball footage.

Time to go look for jobs. Will the 59th time be a charm? Wait and see on the next Not in those words... same catheter time, same catheter channel!

Friday, April 15, 2005

Nats win! Nats win! Posted by Hello

DC United's 4 championship banners Posted by Hello

A view from our seats Posted by Hello

No game is complete without a Dixieland band Posted by Hello

Gonads! Posted by Hello

Just what you want to see at a ballgame, snipers on the roof Posted by Hello

A billboard outside the stadium Posted by Hello

Root, root, root for the home team

Mmmm. Hot dogs. Posted by Hello

I am nearly 28 years old. Last night, I went to the first "home" baseball game in my life. Yes, the Washington Nationals are here (and currently in 1st place!). For a city whose only sports success over the past decade has been in Major League Soccer (DCU, BABY!), a new team is a welcome respite from the futility of the Wizards and the drama-fest of the Redksins. Luckily, after Bud Selig and the owners jerked DC around for the last 10 years and then traded all their best players (except Wilky), the Expos (deez nuts!) have found a new home at RFK Stadium.

Last night, the game was supposed to begin at around 7. I figured it would be tough to get there and then get into the stadium, so I caught the Ghettro and got there around 6. Since "president" Bush was throwing out the first pitch, there was crazy security to get in. It was worse than getting into an airport. Imagine lines about 100 deep all the way around the stadium. We finally get past the security at around 6:40 (I think) and we have to wait for my friend to get through the line. They finally get in around 7. Then its off to will call, where our tickets are supposed to be.

I'm not sure if any of you have ever been to RFK, but there is a reason why the Redskins moved out of there (and its not that its located in the middle of the hood). At will call, there were 6 people working and one computer. One computer. I'll say it again: one computer. What the fuck? Even DC public schools have more than one computer and they were protesting outside the stadium for more funding all night. Well, it took us until about the 3rd inning to actually make it past the model of efficiency that is will call.

Once we got inside, that is where the real fun began. We got to our seats, which were pretty damn good and I could have sworn the guys behind us were talking about Bill Brasky all night. Not really, but thats what they sounded like. Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky took me out to go get a drink with him? Anyways, we go off lookin' for a bar and we can't find one. Finally, Brasky takes me into a vacant lot and says, "Here we are!" Well, we sat there for a year and a half. Sure enough, someone constructed a bar around us! Well, the day they opened it, we ordered a shot, drank it and then burnt the place to the ground. Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, "Always leave things the way you found them!"

In about the 5th inning, we figured the lines for beer and foor should have died down by now, so we went looking. If you have seen RFK, in the outfield there are no seats in the bottom section. There used to be seats there for the Redskins, so there are still concession stands behind them. This being the first game, most people did not know that, so there are no lines at all back there. We go the the beer stand and get some beers. My girlfriend gets peatnuts for $3.50 and pays with a $20. I swear that the woman behind the counter had no clue how to give change and had to ask someone what the change would be for that complex math equation.

Then we go over the the hot dog place. The first one said we would have to wait 5 minutes for them to be done. I wasn't too keen on allowing the RFK concessions people to let me know when they thought the dogs were done (yes I know hot dogs are already cooked, but it still seems gross), so we just went to another place. This stand had cooked dogs, but for some reason, they were all spilling out the back of the 7-11 style warmer, as you can see in the picture above. Aside from this being absolutely hilarious, the cashier got all pissed off at the hot dog grilling guy, which was pretty funny too (you had to be there). Once we finally got the hot dogs, we went back to the seats.

Did I ever tell you about the time I had breakfast with Brasky? Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for eight months straight. When he woke up, he rubbed his eyes and said, "All in all, I prefer gin!"

The Nats won the game (with Hernandez taking a 1-hitter into the 9th and Castilla needing only a single for the cycle getting plunked in his last at bat). A good time was had by all. So, what did we learn about RFK and the Nats?

1) If at all possible, don't go to will call
2) Have as close to exact change for your beer as you can
3) Behind the outfield, there are no lines at the concession stands
4) The stands along the third base side still bounce (with help from bobbing fans)
5) When leaving the stadium, use the old DC General metro entrance
6) Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch!

Thursday, April 14, 2005

McDonald's turns 50

Happy Birthday, Mickey D's Posted by Hello

Apparently, today is the 50th birthday of the original McDonalds franchise. To celebrate this golden anniversary, I went there and got a large diet coke. So, I gave them some patronage on their birthday, I figure I should get a gift bag for all of my years of being a good customer. What do they give me? Nothing.

Come to think of it, other than the 20-30 pounds of extra weight I gained over the years, McDonalds has only given me one thing: Netflix. Yes, last year during the annual Monopoly contest, I won a free year of Netflix for clogging my arteries and taking years off my life from eating their food. I guess it has been worth it because Netflix is pretty cool. How else would I have been able to see Ernest Goes to Jail for free?

On a side note, the Catheter Man diet is still going very well. I have stopped using the PS2 exercise game because that bitch kept wanting me to "strengthen my core," when I clearly wanted the "weight loss" option. Its still a pretty great idea and I'm sure I'll do it again every once in a while.

So here's the Catheter Man diet, which as of today, allowed me to break the 160 barrier for the first time since probably 8th grade. You are allowed to have as much diet coke as you want. You are also allowed to chew as much sugar-free gum as you want. You are allowed to eat whatever you want (as long as it is a bacon, egg, and cheese bagel). Finally, you are allowed to eat as many times a day as you want (as long as it is one meal). Sound like an eating disorder to you? Maybe, but it works. One man's eating disorder is another man's calorie restriction. Regardless, I have been able to lose weight with the my only exercise being carrying around a backpack with a computer and law books in it, so I'm not changing a thing.

The best part about the diet is that I usually drink (heavily) at least one night on the weekend as well as have some sort of delivery or take out (chinese or chipotle) on Sunday. Did I mention that I don't really exercise? Imagine if I did. I can't wait for football season.

If I'm still in DC for football season (and seeing that as of today, 57 employers did not want to hire me, so I probably will be), I will most likely play on a touch football team. There's a long story behind this team (involving a 40 year old guy with a moustache who plays that we call "porn star"), but I'm trying to diet myself out of a position. Since I've always been bigger than most of my friends (and I played high school football!), I have usually played offensive line. But its cool because lineman can catch passes in this league. Since I'm such a spectacular athlete, I never dropped a catchable pass in the 2 years I played. Now, if I can get my weight down and speed up, maybe I can live the dream of playing wide receiver or something. We'll see. I think I'll go running now to see how it feels running at this weight. Wish me luck.

If you don't hear from me tomorrow, assume that I've had a stroke and alert the media.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005


I guess by now I realize that I am never going to be an actor. Even though I nearly brought people to tears with my portrayal of the apple in "Let George Do It" in fourth grade, that is pretty much where my acting career ended (I say "pretty much" because although I did play the second baseman in "Casey at the Bat" in 5th grade, I was not able to properly prepare for the role due, in no small part, to the fact that I had just returned from a 3-day absinthe bender, where I mysteriously wound up in a dark basement in Haiti). This was mostly because the English teacher who ran the middle school drama department was an uppity cunt who thought all we should do was Shakespeare plays. My hatred of that teacher was only surpassed by my hatred of Shakespeare, so no acting for me. If I want to wear tights, I'll do it on my own time, thank you very much.

So since I will never be an actor, I will never get the chance to be on Inside the Actor's Studio. For those of you who have not seen it, you must. Its like looking into the eyes of god and him telling you, "you're my favorite creation." At the end of the show, James Lipton (the host), asks the actor a 10 part questionnaire invented by the great Bernard Pivot. Here is my attempt to answer.

What is your favorite word? Thanks

What is your least favorite word? going forward (or any other office-speak)

What turns you on? humor

What turns you off? pretentiousness

What sound do you love? laughing

What sound do you hate? nail files being used

What is your favorite curse word? douchebag -- very underrated and under used

What profession other than yours would you like to attempt? pizza place owner

What profession would you not like to participate in? politics

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates? Get ready for dinner tonight, we're having all you can eat sushi with JFK, Martin Luther King, John Lennon, Chris Farley, and Jesus (he loves fish!).

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Support the Farts

In an effort to get the word out about his site, Jason Mulgrew, a long-time(read: two-month) favorite of Catheter Man, is setting up a "friends of" page on his site. If I do a couple of things, I can be listed on this page (and maybe parlay my incessant whining and drunken rants into a job where I get my own desk AND computer). So 10 of you lucky bastards will be getting an email from me, telling you about his site. Of course, I probably already told you all about it anyway, but them's the rules.

If, by some chance, you have not partaken in the links section of my site, you will find Jason's site at Wow, I just previewed that and my link actually worked. Anyway, check out his site because its damn funny.

On a side note, I have been working on the ballot for the official Not in Those Words NBA All-Ugly Contest 2005 (or NAMBLA, for short). However, I have a problem. The ballot is a giant word document that has a lot of pictures. If you know how to link to a word document that is on my desktop (not on the web somewhere), please let me know so that the contest can begin.

Remember, check out


Tuesday Treat

This gem comes to us from Enjoy.

Bratz dolls - yeurgh

Flipping through the latest Target catalogue (I like catalogues. I find them soothing :) and ye gods, these horrible things are everywhere, with their bedroom eyes and slutty come-hither bee-stung lips. Apparently there's a talking one available that says things like "Let's go out and meet boys!" I wouldn't be surprised if the next lot of talking ones have Skank 101 programmed into them, with gems like:

"Oh Mom, I need to go on the Pill for my skin." (Yeah, pull the other one kiddo. Why don't you just get pregnant instead? My dermatologist says that's great for the complexion. And at least it's honest. I mean, really, in Year 9 I was amazed at the number of girls in my year who were on the Pill for their "skin", or "irregular periods" a.k.a. David from Geography class. It's a wonder Bathurst didn't have an epidemic of hermaphrodite cattle or sheep with really small genitals from all the hormones recycled into the water supply.)

"University degrees are for ugly girls!"

"Let's go Brazilian so boys will like us!"

OK, maybe that last one was a little far-fetched.

They're like ho' templates for little girls. Why are mothers buying these things for their daughters? I presume these are the same mothers who let their daughters leave the house looking like that. (You know what that means, do I have to spell it out? I know the guys love it, but can you spell J-A-I-L-B-A-I-T? Let's just say that with school holidays upon us, the shopping centres will be full of girls who look like they've been to a mass fluffer convention. "The Porn Recruitment Van's in town, everyone! Let's go audition!")

Monday, April 11, 2005

Collar up by March

izod Posted by Hello

Guys, seriously, the collar up thing has to stop. I can deal with you wearing your pastel-colored Izod shirts (that you spent $75 dollars on). I'm not sure why you wasted the money on a shirt that wasn't cool when I wore it back in '83 (so its certainly not cool now), but at least wearing it informs everyone that you are an idiot. Putting the collar up just makes you look rediculous. I don't care if you think you are Alex P. Keaton. The truth is, you are just some schmuck who spent too much on a shirt and everyone is laughing at you behind your back.

Now remember, the next time you think about throwing that collar up, think of this little girl. She looks much cooler than you.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

We won't be fooled again

Apparently, audiences around the country stayed away from "Fever Pitch" in droves during this, its opening weekend. Yes, movie audiences have become much more savvy in the last decade, but I was not expecting them to do this. See, Fever Pitch has what I like to call the "bait and switch" tactic written all over it. The most famous move to use this method (and to great success) was Jerry McGuire. You market the movie as a sports movie to get all the guys to come to see it with their girlfriends, but once they get in the doors, they quicky realize that it is a chick flick.

Male audiences must have realized that Fever Pitch was a prime suspect for the bait and switch and accordingly saw something else this weekend. Bravo, fellas. Don't fall for it again. Screw Hollywood.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

The Li-Berry

I'm sitting here in the law school library on this glorious Saturday afternoon, when I could be outside doing any number of things. Who am I kidding? I'd probably be on my couch watching tv if I wasn't here. Regardless, I wish I was not here for obvious reasons.

I have this group real estate paper that has been looming all semester. Its due on the 11th, but the girl with the female baldness problem in my group thinks we should all have our parts done by tomorrow so we can spend a week "editing" the final version. This clearly conflicts with my wait-until-the-last-second-to-start technique that I have been perfecting since middle school. Anyway, that is the reason I'm here today.

The problem is (Neil Weisman moved in two days early) that I'm just having one of those days where its mentally impossible to do work. I can't even look at this stupid real estate crap for more than about 30 seconds. The second problem is that the professor went around to each group to assign them one or two parts of the paper to talk about in class on Wednesday and surprise, surprise, he chose one of the parts I am writing (one of the parts I am writing that I have no clue about).

I haven't skipped this class once this semester because I always thought that I may miss something important, so I was going to skip on Wednesday because I don't give a shit about what other people wrote. Now, not only do I have to go to this class, but I have to have something prepared that sounds coherent and does not leave some huge, obvious chunk out of. See kids, this is just one example of why you should never go back to school.

Well, I feel like I have wasted enough time today and I should at least look into this crap. See you later.

Mr. Bergis

I listened to these a while ago and they are friggin hilarious. Check out some prank calls to Mr. Bergis, a redneck who gets extremely pissed off at some DJs.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Getting a (blow) Job

I have been unsuccessfully trying to obtain gainful employment for over a year now and I can't help but notice how similar my working dry spell has been to various sexual dry spells I have had during the course of my life. Here's what I mean.

When you are trying to get a job, there are many ways to do it: connections, classifieds, and unsolicited e-mails are just a few examples. This is much like trying to get laid. You can meet a girl through friends, classifieds, or unsolicited conversation at bars. As you may know, its much easier to get your foot in the door (or vagina, as the case may be) via friends. Next easiest is classifieds -- you know they are looking, but it might not be the perfect job for you. This is a lot like the drunk girl at the bar. Sure, she may be passing out on a pile of coats, but do you really want to take her home? Finally, the dream jobs are usually the ones who are seemingly never hiring and whose websites are nearly impossible to find, but when you do find it, you take a shot anyway. This is like that hot girl who always has a boyfriend. You know she's taken, but you might as well talk to her. She's fucking hot! Plus, maybe she'll see something in you that will make her want to dump her boyfriend (like your magnificent specimen of prime Alabama black snake).

So you send out your resumes and/or make calls to these jobs (what is the proper etiquette, anyway?) and you wait to hear back from them. Just like giving a girl "the vibe" all night and asking for her number. However long the wait is in both of these situations is equally painful and most of the time you half-expect the old "I have a boyfriend already" or no reply (from an employer). But there are those few times where the girl actually gives you her number and you're pretty stoked. Same thing with jobs. If I actually get a return e-mail (even if it is the old "we're not hiring right now," I'm extatic. Hey, they care enough to spend that 1 minute replying. You like me! You really like me!

Then there are the few and far between situations where the company tells you to respond and you call. Is there anything worse than getting voice mail? I'll answer: no. I'm always tempted to just hang up without leaving a message, but at that point, I usually do anyway, just to show them that I am interested and I did call. The same rules apply to calling a girl for the first time. You never really know how long to wait before calling and when you actually do, its always a voicemail.

Then begins the oh-so-gut-wrenching wait to see if they actually call you back. Inevitably, you give them your home number (because its just too early to bring the celly into this relationship) and if and when they do call, you are not home. This leads to another awkward situation of "when do I call back?" So you call back the next day and it goes to voicemail again.

Thus begins the little game of phone tag that rapidly starts diminsihing your percieved chances of landing the job (or girl) and wreaks havoc on your mental stability. Every day is a constant battle between: "should I call back or will that turn her off?" Every day, you are waiting for that familiar buzzing in your pocket (since at this point you are desperate and gave them the cell number). Every time someone else calls, you are not only disappointed, but pissed off.

Eventually, you leave one last-ditch message to try and repair the situation (maybe even an e-mail). All the while, you are cursing your bad timing and asking why you couldn't have been there when they called back the first time. Finally, all hope is lost and you accept defeat. Then you go out with your friends and try and drown your sorrows in Puerto Rican rum and carbonated beverages, all the while planning your next method of attack.

This is why dating and getting a job are so hard. I, for one, almost always prefer not knowing if I could have gotten it to knowing that I will never get it. In both cases you are empty handed, but at least in the first situation you still have hope. And hope, if not just a city in Arkansas, is what human existance is built on. I hope I can make it across the border... I hope to see my friend and shake his hand... I hope the pacific is a blue as it has been in my dreams... I hope...

Thursday, April 07, 2005

What is the deal with Tivo?

Many people sing the praises of Tivo because of its ability to record shows digitally while you are not home (or even when you are home). Granted, I have been able to catch many missed prime-time shows due to my rediculous law school schedule that has me going to class Monday through Thursday from 8-10 pm, but I am heartily dissatisfied with the company on a whole.

Tivo has this option called "Season Pass," where it is supposed to record the same show every week (or at least whenever there is a new one on). It started out all fine and dandy, but recently Tivo has not been recording what I set it up for or alternatively, whatever it wants.

Case in point: I have a season pass for South Park. Last night, there was a new one on. Since my class ended at 9:20, I was forced to wait for the law school bus to the Metro until 9:45 (they come at :15 and :45 past the hour). This always makes me livid because most classes end at either :20 or :50 past the hour and they could have the bus show up at :30 and :00 past the hour, but they don't because they are assfaces. Anyway, I get to the Metro probably around 10.

When I get down to the track there is a 10 minute wait for the next train going in my direction. Luckily, I had the Washington Post Express with me and read every word of it and completed the crossword to pass the time. Finally the train comes and takes about another 3 or 4 minutes to get to my stop. Then it is a 5 minute trek up the world's longest escalator and another few minutes to walk to my apartment. Basically, I didn't get home until about 10:30, right in time to miss South Park.

Not to worry, Tivo recorded it, right? Well, I go to the Now Playing list and there it is: South Park. When I press play, not only am I dismayed to find out that South Park did was not there, but in its stead was an infomercial with fat people and Jeff Probst from Survivor (at least I think it was him because I was fast forwarding through the whole thing in disbelief). So what gives? Why is Tivo all messed up? If anyone has any tips, feel free to comment.

Luckily, South Park re-airs at 12 for the West coast, so I caught that one. Its going to be a sad day when these cable channels have enough programming to stop re-airing the same shows for the west coast later in the night. Lets all pray that it never happens.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Still available on the Falcons website: the 2005 Ron Mexico jersey! Posted by Hello

An Eventful Wednesday Morning

This morning, I finally had a plumber come in to look at my kitchen sink and toilet. The sink has been dripping continuously for about 2 months, and the toilet has been running for longer than that, so I figured it was time. Well, it turns out that the Brita thing that attaches to the faucet causes pressure to build up and it fucks up sinks, so word to the wise -- just get the Brita pitcher instead.

The best part was that this guy was probably in his early to mid 50's and he started talking to me about my Play Station 2. I figured he was just trying to make small talk, but then he began saying that he has a Game Cube and whatever the new portable Nintendo handheld system is (and how its more advantageous to him than the PSP because he had the Game Boy advance and he can use all of those games on his new system). This gives me great hope that I will still be the video game-playing scumbag at 50 years old that I am today.

After he was finished, I walked to the Metro to go to school. Normally this is pretty uneventful, but today two strange things happened on the way there. First, I saw the Secret Service pull some lady in a Jetta over on the corner of my street. Now, I'm no expert on clandestine ops, but I'm pretty sure that it kind of defeats the whole purpose of having a secret service if they drive around in a police car marked: "Secret Service."

Second, there was a homeless guy sitting outside of CVS. This is usually no big deal because there are always homeless people hanging out around there. But this guy was not only lounging in a beach chair, enjoying the sunny day, but also wearing a Superman t-shirt and reading a Russian-English dictionary. Pretty strange if you ask me.

So I get to the bus stop to go to school and I decide that I need a haircut. Some of you know about my various trials and tribulations (thats a word you don't hear too much) with hair cuts and I had one last summer that deserves its own post (think Slingblade mixed with Forrest Gump), but I have been going to the place up on main campus for a little while and have found it to be adequate.

When I get to the place where the hair salon (for lack of a better word) used to be, it is closed, only to be replaced by a hair salon, nail, and tanning place. Ok. Breathe. This is going to be fine. I've already committed to going all the way there, I might as well get my hair cut. So I go inside and sit down in the chair. First of all, I'm not sure if this happens everywhere but do all of these hair places have a direct hookup to the sound system in a Cancun club? The weirdo techno music already has me out of my element when a Vietnamese man (I know he was Vietnamese. I did 3 tours in DaNang) with enough turquoise jewelry to be in a Gaystrogen commercial saunters up to ask me how I'd like my hair cut. I tell him and we're on our way.

First, he gives me the shampoo treatment. This is always great because I don't usually get it and I didn't shower this morning (waiting for the plumber), so it works out for both of us. I have always wondered why they don't save the shampoo for after the haircut, when you're covered in irritating hairs and spend the rest of the day finding them all over yourself and your clothes. Anyway, he cuts my hair and does not even ask 1) how I want the back done and 2) how I usually style it. These are the marks of a true professional. My answer to the back question (square or round? (I think)) is always: "whatever looks better." Honestly, I could care less what the back of my hair looks like, just make it normal. Then, at the end, I thought I was going to have to tell him that I put gel in my hair and sort of spike it up (I was wearing a hat when I came in, so there's no way he could have known). But lo and behold, this guy takes out the gel and does it without me saying a word. Quality.

So I get out of there and I want a drink (since its been at least an hour since my last Diet Coke). I go into the little campus convenience store and they actually had 1 liters of Diet Coke. Luckily for me, I have been on a winning streak (the year of the catheter) and I had 2 free 1 liter caps in my pocket. Now for the moment of truth.

Me: "I have one of these caps."

Checkout Lady: "Ok."

Me: (walking out without paying, amazed, speechless)

Oh my god! It worked. It felt like I was robbing the place. Now I just have to go up there every time I win one of these free Cokes.

That was my eventful morning. Now I just have 3 hours until my next class and 8 1/2 hours until I go home.

Seacrest OUT!

No wonder my fantasy team (in DC) sucked

vick Posted by Hello

Michael Vick Hit With Sex Suit

Woman claims star NFL quarterback passed along herpes in 2003
APRIL 5--Claiming that Michael Vick gave her herpes, a Georgia woman is suing the star NFL quarterback for negligence and battery. According to the below lawsuit, Sonya Elliot, a 26-year-old health care worker, was infected with the sexually transmitted disease in April 2003 after an unprotected encounter with Vick at the athlete's Duluth, Georgia home. Elliott alleges that after testing positive for Herpes Simplex 2, she confronted the Atlanta Falcons star, 24, about her condition. "I've got something to tell you. I've got it," Vick admitted to her, according to Elliott's State Court complaint, which alleges that Vick then told her that "he had not known how to tell her about his condition, and that it was not something that he liked to talk about." Elliott's complaint also contends that Vick "apologized profusely" for not telling her he was infected with the STD. Elliot's lawsuit alleges that Vick has used the name "Ron Mexico" and, in a related court filing, her lawyers are seeking Vick's admission that he used the "Mexico" alias--and perhaps other fake names--"for the purpose of herpes testing and/or treatment." In her lawsuit, Elliott states that she met Vick at a Virginia Beach nightclub in May 2001 and, shortly thereafter, began a close personal relationship with the football star (though the couple did not have sex until late-2002). Last December, Vick, the top overall pick in the 2001 National Football League draft, signed a ten-year, $130 million contract with the Falcons, the richest deal in league history. (17 pages)

Ron Mexico? He couldn't come up with a better name than that? At least have a plausible last name. It actually sounds like what my porn name would have been when I lived in New York: Steve Amsterdam.

Note to Mike Vick: All representations in this post are based on rumors and are made purely in jest.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

The Tradition Begins: Tuesday Treat

I am hereby instituting a new feature on my blog: the Tuesday Random Entry from Another Topic (or Tuesday TREAT, for short). I know its really from another blog, not topic, but you try thinking of something that beings with T and describes a blog. The rules of this game are that I will hit the "nextblog" button on the top of the page and post some random entry from that blog on my site. Sure, its a lazy way to update, but hopefully a good time will be had by all anyway. Away we go...

This one comes to us courtesy of

Stulte Aprilis

I came downstairs this morning to find that the kitchen had been flooded. Apparently, Molly had been trying to reach a morsel of dog food that was stuck behind the washing machine, and had managed to pull one of the water pipes out while lunging for it. Daisy's bed, complete with bemused dog, was carried into the hall by the initial surge of water. Molly is shaken by her experience but a lot cleaner for it.

My brother has been hogging the computer again but at the moment he's gone to Gloucester for a meeting of the Gloucestershire Amateur Yodelling Society (the G.A.Y.S.) which is run by the renowned American opera singer and yodeller, Bat Guano. In the meantime, the bad weather has gone and wildlife is reappearing after the rainstorms of the past days (Midlands Today reports that traffic chaos is ensuing in Great Morecombe because of an "unusually large swan" in the road).

Finally, this evening we are going to the Cookeses's house-warming party. As presents, we're going to give them:

1 blue portaloo (the latest in sanitation fasion)
3 hand-knitted socks (three in case one goes missing in the wash)
1 T-80 Main Battle Tank, ex-Red Army (for Jon)
6,482,654,198,317 small yellow plastic ducks (a traditional gift in this part of Leckhampton)

Return of the Boom Bap

Its back (in a big way). The Senators jacket made its triumphant return for its 10th consecutive year today. Posted by Hello

Monday, April 04, 2005

One Shining Moment

Thank you Raymond Felton! Courtesy of you hitting your last two free throws, UNC scored 75 points, which means that Million Dollar Booby and I tied for points scored by the winner (me with 79 and him with 71), thus going to the second tiebreaker: points for the losing team. Well, Illinois scored 70. Booby had 66 (pretty close), but I had 71. Catheter Man finally gets some dap! 2nd place in the NCAA Tournament Pool 2005!

The Year of the Catheter continues!

Ramblings II

Since my first installment of Ramblings was so popular, I decided to bring it back for a little something I like to call: Ramblings II. Enjoy.

--Why does the crotch of my jeans wear out way before the rest of the jeans do? Maybe it has something to do with the fact that they get washed maybe 4 times every six months. Or maybe they just can't handle the weight of my junk. The world may never know.

--If I ever get enough money to buy a house, the first upgrade I'm going to make is to install a laundry room. Not just a washer and dryer. I'm talking at least 3 washers and 2 dryers. I'm much too lazy to do my laundry in innings.

--The only thing that makes the nearly insufferable waiting time (caused by 2 or more people trying to check out at once) at CVS manageable is their awesome soundtrack. Yes, I like easy listening music. You wanna fight about it?

--If a retarded person plays golf, how do you ask them what their handicap is?

--I don't think its humanly possible to eat chips and salsa without getting one drop on your clothes.

--Why is it that the people who are the most outwardly religious (aka bible-thumpers) are always the biggest liars, theifs, and cheats?

--Why do people stop right before they get on escalators so that they can time their grand entrance? They give you about a 6 foot buffer zone that is flat, moron. Its not like you're playing Frogger.

--When did we officially stop having jungles and start having rain forests?

--As far as I'm concerned, the Monday after we "spring forward" 1 hour should be a national holiday. You wind up staying up an hour later than normal on Saturday night because of the time change and then you are all messed up on Sunday, which leads to trying to rectify the situation Monday, but you essentially have to wake up an hour earlier than normal.

--You know baseball is a terribly run sport when for the first time in my lifetime, DC has a team and I still don't care (since they have no chance to make the playoffs). Also, congratulations to Alex Sanchez for officially becoming a historical footnote.

--Speaking of terribly run sports, does anyone outside of Canada, Detroit, and Colorado even miss hockey?

--I think Right Said Fred was right. He is too sexy for his cat.